Wife expects me to be "on" after a work trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I dont know if anyone mentioned this because I didnt read the whole thread, but a part of the problem is that your 3 year old is spoiled as hell. There is NO WAY I would entertain a 3 year old at night like that. There is no back run and tucking in in the middle of the night. 3 is old enough to get up and potty alone often times, and if not at least cut out all the extras. Just accompany the kid to the toilet and go bakc to bed. But I'm skeptical they need help with that.

I agree. A 3yo should not be up multiple nights a week needing attention. That is neither normal nor acceptable. If 3yo needs to potty, s/he can do so solo.

The situation with the three year old speaks volume and tells me there is a lot more going on than OP told us about. Most likely OP is the kind of parent who lets her kids do whatever and puts their needs first. The DH isn’t supportive of this parenting approach but OP doesn’t seem to get this. So he kind of shrugs and leaves it all up to OP rather than try to fight that battle. So he thinks if the kids aren’t sleeping this is her problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you sleep in a hotel room? I would have no sympathy if my husband got a quiet room to himself with zero interruption and “couldn’t sleep”

There isn’t any reason you shouldn’t come back rested. Next time take an ambien or a Xanax

Female here, and I don't sleep well in hotel rooms either. Zero interruption is a fantasy - have you never stayed in a hotel? People have parties in hotels, there are kids, there are people who have loud sex or sound like they are stomping around. On top of that, the surroundings aren't familiar; it isn't your bed, your pillows, your environment, etc, so relaxation is already hard. To say that flights are not comfortable is an understatement, even if you are flying first class. Many people on travel party for sure, but I would say even more people are working 12-14 hours a day.

That said, I agree that OP needs to take over child care after being gone. I think a better solution, however, if they could afford it, is to outsource some childcare for the days that he is traveling.

What hotels are you staying in???

I stay in Marriotts and I never have these issues. Parties? Never happens. Very rarely is there any other type of noise and if there is, I ask to be moved, the end. Problem solved.

How do you people get through life being such snowflakes? I can’t even.

NP. Marriott is a lovely chain. OP sounds like he stays at a hotel 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is strictly a nighttime issue. We always agree on the day time division of work. We have a 9 mo old and a 3 year old (also a 7 yr old but he sleeps overnight no issue) and I would say the 9 month old still gets up 4/7 nights a week and the 3 year old a similar amount of time. The baby wants a bottle and goes back down. The 3 year old uses the restroom, needs tucked in, sometimes needs water or back rubbed. We are both fine with this level of need. We usually just switch nights off 50/50. But when I come back to traveling she expects me to take 2 to 3 nights in a row. I sleep TERRIBLE at hotels and really need sleep MORE than normal when I return. She said she's exhausted from doing a week solo and would love nothing more than "a cheap empty hotel room to sleep in." I get both sides but I am beginning to really hate coming home because I know my shifts will start ASAP. What are the solutions here?

OP, I have a 3 yo who hasn’t gotten up in the middle of the night for about 18 months, unless he was sick. Make an appointment with your pediatrician to talk about this. Plan it for a day she is off so you can both talk to the doctor.

My mom was a floor nurse, and it was exhausting.

Also, yay you for listening. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I dont know if anyone mentioned this because I didnt read the whole thread, but a part of the problem is that your 3 year old is spoiled as hell. There is NO WAY I would entertain a 3 year old at night like that. There is no back run and tucking in in the middle of the night. 3 is old enough to get up and potty alone often times, and if not at least cut out all the extras. Just accompany the kid to the toilet and go bakc to bed. But I'm skeptical they need help with that.

I agree. A 3yo should not be up multiple nights a week needing attention. That is neither normal nor acceptable. If 3yo needs to potty, s/he can do so solo.

The situation with the three year old speaks volume and tells me there is a lot more going on than OP told us about. Most likely OP is the kind of parent who lets her kids do whatever and puts their needs first. The DH isn’t supportive of this parenting approach but OP doesn’t seem to get this. So he kind of shrugs and leaves it all up to OP rather than try to fight that battle. So he thinks if the kids aren’t sleeping this is her problem.

You sure read a lot into OP's post that HE didn't say. Sounds like you didn't read the thread at all, since you think it's a woman posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I dont know if anyone mentioned this because I didnt read the whole thread, but a part of the problem is that your 3 year old is spoiled as hell. There is NO WAY I would entertain a 3 year old at night like that. There is no back run and tucking in in the middle of the night. 3 is old enough to get up and potty alone often times, and if not at least cut out all the extras. Just accompany the kid to the toilet and go bakc to bed. But I'm skeptical they need help with that.

This this this.

Your husband probably doesn’t want to be “on” because your actions have resulted in your kids not sleeping. Kind of like a dad not wanting to change a 3 year olds diapers.

Only someone who assumes that sleep and potty training are the sole responsibility of the mother would frame it that way ...

Dad doesn't like waking up? Dad buys Ferber and initiates sleep training. Dad doesn't like changing diapers? Dad buys Oh Crap, takes 3 days off work, and does the boot camp.

I don’t think this and my husband played an equal role in both.

BUT in this situation it seems safe to assume that the mother is the one in charge of the kids’ sleep. After all isn’t the husband away a lot on business travel? The DH can Ferber all he wants but if the mom is running into the kid’s room multiple times a night then Ferber won’t do any good.

The PP said "your (the mom's) actions have resulted in your kids not sleeping." And I have no idea why it would be "safe to assume that the mother is the one in charge of the kid's sleep." The OP is an RN who does shiftwork.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I dont know if anyone mentioned this because I didnt read the whole thread, but a part of the problem is that your 3 year old is spoiled as hell. There is NO WAY I would entertain a 3 year old at night like that. There is no back run and tucking in in the middle of the night. 3 is old enough to get up and potty alone often times, and if not at least cut out all the extras. Just accompany the kid to the toilet and go bakc to bed. But I'm skeptical they need help with that.

This this this.

Your husband probably doesn’t want to be “on” because your actions have resulted in your kids not sleeping. Kind of like a dad not wanting to change a 3 year olds diapers.

Only someone who assumes that sleep and potty training are the sole responsibility of the mother would frame it that way ...

Dad doesn't like waking up? Dad buys Ferber and initiates sleep training. Dad doesn't like changing diapers? Dad buys Oh Crap, takes 3 days off work, and does the boot camp.

I don’t think this and my husband played an equal role in both.

BUT in this situation it seems safe to assume that the mother is the one in charge of the kids’ sleep. After all isn’t the husband away a lot on business travel? The DH can Ferber all he wants but if the mom is running into the kid’s room multiple times a night then Ferber won’t do any good.

The PP said "your (the mom's) actions have resulted in your kids not sleeping." And I have no idea why it would be "safe to assume that the mother is the one in charge of the kid's sleep." The OP is an RN who does shiftwork.

Np: I wonder if this is part of the issue? Seems sometimes is dad is out of town, sometimes mom does shift work- so different routines and approaches depending on which parent is handling nighttime can lead to sleep problems. Not flaming at all because it happens even if well intentioned. OP maybe you and wife should sit down and discuss and make sure you are handling things the same way and in agreement (ideally with the goal to get 3yo to stop waking at night) and then work on the 9mo soon- depending on how frequently the waking is.

[Anonymous]

Guys, not everything is solved by your children sleeping through the night. I’m pretty sure it’s not just night wake ups that are affecting this family. While dad wants off of a few nights when he gets home, it’s just cumulative fatigue for everybody.

And get real your kids wake up every once in a while in the night, even with sleep training and early night potty training. It’s easy to armchair parent from a screen and keyboard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I dont know if anyone mentioned this because I didnt read the whole thread, but a part of the problem is that your 3 year old is spoiled as hell. There is NO WAY I would entertain a 3 year old at night like that. There is no back run and tucking in in the middle of the night. 3 is old enough to get up and potty alone often times, and if not at least cut out all the extras. Just accompany the kid to the toilet and go bakc to bed. But I'm skeptical they need help with that.

I agree. A 3yo should not be up multiple nights a week needing attention. That is neither normal nor acceptable. If 3yo needs to potty, s/he can do so solo.

The situation with the three year old speaks volume and tells me there is a lot more going on than OP told us about. Most likely OP is the kind of parent who lets her kids do whatever and puts their needs first. The DH isn’t supportive of this parenting approach but OP doesn’t seem to get this. So he kind of shrugs and leaves it all up to OP rather than try to fight that battle. So he thinks if the kids aren’t sleeping this is her problem.

He doesn’t say this at all. He says they are both fine with this level of need. OP, if you don’t have major time change issues I really think you can get better at sleeping in hotels. When my kids were little and up all the time I was so freakin tired that would have been heaven and I’m not a good sleeper. Can you get a workout in when you travel? Hard workout, light dinner, no alcohol, meditate, ear plugs, request a room in quiet location....

[Anonymous]

He needs to parent his own kids. Welcome to 2019.

[Anonymous]

man up OP. seriously.

- father of 3 who travels internationally regularly for work.

[Anonymous]

you guys, OP already said he was in the wrong


also kids whatever blah blah but being a good sleeper is an important adult skill that you can work on. I hope OP trains himself to use ear plugs and a mask just because it's really useful.

[Anonymous]

You mean your wife expects you to be a parent when you’re home? The gall.

[Anonymous]

Give your wife a trip away. Let her have a few nights alone in a hotel room.

Go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mean your wife expects you to be a parent when you’re home? The gall.

+1. You know if the roles were reversed, you would expect her to be “on”. End of discussion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give your wife a trip away. Let her have a few nights alone in a hotel room.

Go from there.

Do you think that will stop the relentless nagging?