Wife expects me to be "on" after a work trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team wife... taking care of 3 kids alone is much more difficult than my job!!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you sleep in a hotel room? I would have no sympathy if my husband got a quiet room to himself with zero interruption and “couldn’t sleep”

There isn’t any reason you shouldn’t come back rested. Next time take an ambien or a Xanax

Female here, and I don't sleep well in hotel rooms either. Zero interruption is a fantasy - have you never stayed in a hotel? People have parties in hotels, there are kids, there are people who have loud sex or sound like they are stomping around. On top of that, the surroundings aren't familiar; it isn't your bed, your pillows, your environment, etc, so relaxation is already hard. To say that flights are not comfortable is an understatement, even if you are flying first class. Many people on travel party for sure, but I would say even more people are working 12-14 hours a day.

That said, I agree that OP needs to take over child care after being gone. I think a better solution, however, if they could afford it, is to outsource some childcare for the days that he is traveling.

What hotels are you staying in???

I stay in Marriotts and I never have these issues. Parties? Never happens. Very rarely is there any other type of noise and if there is, I ask to be moved, the end. Problem solved.

How do you people get through life being such snowflakes? I can’t even.

Apparently, your work takes you to places where no one else wants to go, and rooms are always available for you to switch to.

Furthermore, you sound like a peach. If this is how you are when you are well rested, I'd hate to be one of your coworkers! (ps. they think you're a bitch too!)

[Anonymous]

I do agree that a 9mo and 3 year old should be sleeping through the night most nights.

I also agree that addressing YOUR SLEEP ISSUE will help you be rested, and present. Don’t be a martyr.


I also think it’s a fair division of labor just the timing around business travel, and the age and stage of the game.

Sorry OP, but you have to push through for at least one night when you’re back to give relief. Then go back to 50/50.

Being well rested will help with this. Rx, melatonin, sleep machine, brand of hotels, room location, whatever - learn to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Team wife. Unless she SAH, then team husband.”


So are we not allowed to be human and need help/ sleep too? What an absolutely ruthless and ignorant thing to write.

PP here. I have been at SAHM since my first was born 11 years ago. After my husband went back to work (2 weeks after birth for each) he no longer did any night wakings. I EBF’d exclusively and also sleep-trained at 6 months. There was no need. After that if the kids were sick or had nightmares I handled those too, without resentment.

[Anonymous]

Team wife. But discuss methods of getting the kids to sleep better (the 3yo should be for sure). The 9mo shouldn’t be waking regularly anymore either but I am strict with sleep unless kids are sick...this stage should be almost over IMO. Just help. And find a way to sleep better at hotels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should do CIO. Problem solved. Kids that age shouldn’t be waking up all night. Mine were sleep trained at 4 months. Flame away, but I sleep well every night.

Ditto. No flames here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is strictly a nighttime issue. We always agree on the day time division of work. We have a 9 mo old and a 3 year old (also a 7 yr old but he sleeps overnight no issue) and I would say the 9 month old still gets up 4/7 nights a week and the 3 year old a similar amount of time. The baby wants a bottle and goes back down. The 3 year old uses the restroom, needs tucked in, sometimes needs water or back rubbed. We are both fine with this level of need. We usually just switch nights off 50/50. But when I come back to traveling she expects me to take 2 to 3 nights in a row. I sleep TERRIBLE at hotels and really need sleep MORE than normal when I return. She said she's exhausted from doing a week solo and would love nothing more than "a cheap empty hotel room to sleep in." I get both sides but I am beginning to really hate coming home because I know my shifts will start ASAP. What are the solutions here?

Take 400 mg of magnesium glycinate at 8:00 pm when you are sleeping in hotels. You will sleep well. Turn off computer and tv early and read a magazine or
old school book in hotel rooms. Put towels over any source of light that is glowing in hotel room to make it dark. This will help your hotel sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you sleep in a hotel room? I would have no sympathy if my husband got a quiet room to himself with zero interruption and “couldn’t sleep”

There isn’t any reason you shouldn’t come back rested. Next time take an ambien or a Xanax

Female here, and I don't sleep well in hotel rooms either. Zero interruption is a fantasy - have you never stayed in a hotel? People have parties in hotels, there are kids, there are people who have loud sex or sound like they are stomping around. On top of that, the surroundings aren't familiar; it isn't your bed, your pillows, your environment, etc, so relaxation is already hard. To say that flights are not comfortable is an understatement, even if you are flying first class. Many people on travel party for sure, but I would say even more people are working 12-14 hours a day.

That said, I agree that OP needs to take over child care after being gone. I think a better solution, however, if they could afford it, is to outsource some childcare for the days that he is traveling.

You need to get better at staying in hotels! Download a white noise app, it's FREE. Get an eye mask. Buy some ear plugs. Take a unisom. Works pretty well. Not perfectly, but pretty good.

I wear ear plugs; they don't block all noise. I take melatonin, and it kinda helps with the jet lag but I still wake up in the middle of the night. I'm not doping myself up with ambien or Xanax - that's insane. I've tried stuff like Benadryl, and I wake up groggy on it. For me it isn't a good idea to sleep with eye mask unless I don't care if I wake up groggy the next day. I need light to wake me up (so I usually sleep with blinds mostly drawn but not completely so some sunlight can peek in).

I try to pack light, so I can bring 1 pillow, but don't often have room for it in my luggage. There's nothing I can do about the hotel mattress. Most hotel mattresses suck, and my work won't pay for high end hotels with nice mattresses. There is nothing I can do about how uncomfortable flights are, and there is nothing I can do about working long hours.

My point is that posters here make it sound like work travel is a vacation. Maybe it is for some people, but it isn't for me... and I'm guessing - most people!

If your sleep is that dependent upon every detail being exactly right, I would recommend doing a sleep study because there’s probably an underlying issue that’s disrupting your sleep, even to a lesser extent when you’re home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Team wife. Unless she SAH, then team husband.”


So are we not allowed to be human and need help/ sleep too? What an absolutely ruthless and ignorant thing to write.

When you stay home you do not need as much brain power as someone who works in an office. To support you, no less. Get over it.

You also get zero breaks from your kids. At least when I’m at work I can use restroom privately.

[Anonymous]

Team wife and also, sleep train those kids!

[Anonymous]

NP here. You realize most of us on here would LOVE a few kid free nights in a hotel. Get some melatonin if needed and go to bed early. No one is waking you up. It sounds amazing.

I don’t think I’d have much sympathy for my DH if he came home complaining about his awful kid free sleep after I watched 3 kids myself.

[Anonymous]

My husband travels a TON for work. He’s usually terribly jet lagged when he gets home. I continue the first night of being totally on, but after that we split the nights. Also the week before he leaves I am off night duty. We never talked about it, just fell into that pattern.

Days/weeks of being on 24/7 are not just bedtime. It’s being the only adult they can rely on all the time. I’m glad you’re stepping up for your wife, OP. Work on figuring out how to sleep in hotels, it’s such a luxury to sleep on your own schedule (even working) when you have little kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my vote is sleep train. No reason for either kid to be up at night.

Thats what I said, this is craziness

The three year old for sure. I can see a 9 month old waking up at night during a growth spurt or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Team wife. Unless she SAH, then team husband.”


So are we not allowed to be human and need help/ sleep too? What an absolutely ruthless and ignorant thing to write.

When you stay home you do not need as much brain power as someone who works in an office. To support you, no less. Get over it.

You also get zero breaks from your kids. At least when I’m at work I can use restroom privately.

This is a you problem. Close the door and have some rules and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Team wife. Unless she SAH, then team husband.”


So are we not allowed to be human and need help/ sleep too? What an absolutely ruthless and ignorant thing to write.

When you stay home you do not need as much brain power as someone who works in an office. To support you, no less. Get over it.

You also get zero breaks from your kids. At least when I’m at work I can use restroom privately.

This is a you problem. Close the door and have some rules and boundaries.

DP, the boundary is the closed door. But hat doesn’t mean someone won’t start knocking on the door because they knocked over the dog’s water bowl or Larla took Darla’s crayons. My co-workers generally don’t track me down in the restroom and start banging on the stall door, they let me get back to my desk before hitting me with the current crisis.