How to deal with family member who plays victim ALL THE TIME

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is making 250K and is seriously asking her family for financial help?

Are you and DH making millions or something? I can’t imagine someone making 250K with only 2 kids needing financial help.

OP, how does your HHI compare to hers?

Irrelevant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore, back away from all of them. If she makes $250, she is very comfortable and probably also gets child support. She needs to manage the money better.

Cant. Tried it. MIL expects DH to always help as family is family no matter what was said or done by SIL. They always have excuses but I have reached my breaking point. I honestly will have a nervous breakdown one of these days. There is no pleasing them, nothing is enough.

So what if she expects it? Does DH go along with everything MIL wants? If so, couples counseling stat.

He is starting to pull back now but MIL keeps trying to make him feel sorry for SIL so he helps her out

You and your DH are adults who should be capable of owning your reactions to requests you don't agree with and your DH needs a spine. No one can MAKE him feel something and you CAN ignore and back away if you and DH CHOOSE to do so.

[Anonymous]

Ignore, ignore, ignore! Distance yourself if you can, otherwise, it's just not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Being a part of a family that helps each other out is a good thing. That's not what this is. It's one sided help and you are acting as a bank. You have a DH problem. He needs to stand up to mommy.

[Anonymous]

OP seems to be only answering the financial stuff and not the relationship stuff. In one post, she seems to think since the ASD diagnosis was 12 years ago, things should be fine now (ASD is forever and it is hard to raise a child with ASD no matter their age or how long you have known). She doesn’t answer how much the ex is in SIL’s life or their children’s. She also doesn’t answer what relationships she and DH have with their nephew and other niece/nephew (we have no knowledge on gender or age) and what they have done to promote those relationships.

I think this should be in the Money forum and not the Family Relationships forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP seems to be only answering the financial stuff and not the relationship stuff. In one post, she seems to think since the ASD diagnosis was 12 years ago, things should be fine now (ASD is forever and it is hard to raise a child with ASD no matter their age or how long you have known). She doesn’t answer how much the ex is in SIL’s life or their children’s. She also doesn’t answer what relationships she and DH have with their nephew and other niece/nephew (we have no knowledge on gender or age) and what they have done to promote those relationships.

I think this should be in the Money forum and not the Family Relationships forum.

No, I think this should be in Family Relationships because SIL is using her son's autism diagnosis as a reason to guilt trip her family into giving her money even though she makes $250K/year herself.

She would never lay a guilt trip like that on anyone else, just family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP seems to be only answering the financial stuff and not the relationship stuff. In one post, she seems to think since the ASD diagnosis was 12 years ago, things should be fine now (ASD is forever and it is hard to raise a child with ASD no matter their age or how long you have known). She doesn’t answer how much the ex is in SIL’s life or their children’s. She also doesn’t answer what relationships she and DH have with their nephew and other niece/nephew (we have no knowledge on gender or age) and what they have done to promote those relationships.

I think this should be in the Money forum and not the Family Relationships forum.

No, I think this should be in Family Relationships because SIL is using her son's autism diagnosis as a reason to guilt trip her family into giving her money even though she makes $250K/year herself.

She would never lay a guilt trip like that on anyone else, just family.

Maybe SIL really needs the emotional help, but OP and DH are not doing that, so she settles for the financial help (to be able to throw money at the emotion bit).

[Anonymous]

Try just empathy, without trying to fix anything. Find some stock phrases to respond to the latest drama, and repeat again and again. Things like "that must be hard" or "ah yes, you mentioned that, how challenging" or "right, yes, that does sound difficult to manage". But don't do any "but...." or "may I suggest" or any of that.

It does sound like your need to get your DH on the same page. That SIL has resources to help herself, that a certain amount of empathy and listening is fine, but not if it becomes a call to action multiple times a month.

[Anonymous]

We have a similar dynamic with FIL and BIL, although thank goodness BIL is single and doesn’t have any kids. He’s completely inept personally and professionally and every time he has issues at work FIL calls DH because “we have to do something about your brother!” Apparently this dynamic has been in play forever, FIL thinks that BIL can do nothing wrong—when he had problems in school it was the school’s or the teachers fault, when he gets written up at work it’s because his colleagues or judges are out to get him, etc. Total victim mentality.

BIL is now 50 and he and FIL are completely enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship with each other, and BIL feeds into FIL’s narcissism because he’s constantly seeking his approval.

It took YEARS for my husband to realize that FIL is a narcissist and he can tell him no. Now when FIL tries to rope him in to helping BIL my husband refuses to discuss it with him and tries to talk to his brother instead. It also helps that we don’t live near them.

OP, your husband needs to push back. Don’t discuss SIL with MIL. If MIL tries to put a guilt trip on your husband, he needs to end the conversation. If his sister needs legitimate help, she can talk to your husband and explain why someone with such a high income can’t manage without his help. Point out inconsistencies to him so he can see the manipulation. It will probably always be a MIL and SIL teaming up against him, but giving into them won’t improve the family relationship because they don’t want a genuine relationship, they just want to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP seems to be only answering the financial stuff and not the relationship stuff. In one post, she seems to think since the ASD diagnosis was 12 years ago, things should be fine now (ASD is forever and it is hard to raise a child with ASD no matter their age or how long you have known). She doesn’t answer how much the ex is in SIL’s life or their children’s. She also doesn’t answer what relationships she and DH have with their nephew and other niece/nephew (we have no knowledge on gender or age) and what they have done to promote those relationships.

I think this should be in the Money forum and not the Family Relationships forum.

No, I think this should be in Family Relationships because SIL is using her son's autism diagnosis as a reason to guilt trip her family into giving her money even though she makes $250K/year herself.

She would never lay a guilt trip like that on anyone else, just family.

Maybe SIL really needs the emotional help, but OP and DH are not doing that, so she settles for the financial help (to be able to throw money at the emotion bit).

What makes you think we haven’t shown any empathy or provided emotional support? We have. Unfortunately as far as the in-laws dynamic is concerned, daughter in laws are always going to lose. No matter what they do for their husbands family it’s never enough, never right. There is expectation to keep giving and never receive, there is expectation that they can mistreat you since you are like family and families fight and it doesn’t mean anything but at the same time there is also expectation to keep things from you and exclude you from conversations since you are not really family. Sometimes I wonder if I had known how manipulative my in-laws were would I have still married my DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP seems to be only answering the financial stuff and not the relationship stuff. In one post, she seems to think since the ASD diagnosis was 12 years ago, things should be fine now (ASD is forever and it is hard to raise a child with ASD no matter their age or how long you have known). She doesn’t answer how much the ex is in SIL’s life or their children’s. She also doesn’t answer what relationships she and DH have with their nephew and other niece/nephew (we have no knowledge on gender or age) and what they have done to promote those relationships.

I think this should be in the Money forum and not the Family Relationships forum.

No, I think this should be in Family Relationships because SIL is using her son's autism diagnosis as a reason to guilt trip her family into giving her money even though she makes $250K/year herself.

She would never lay a guilt trip like that on anyone else, just family.

Maybe SIL really needs the emotional help, but OP and DH are not doing that, so she settles for the financial help (to be able to throw money at the emotion bit).

What makes you think we haven’t shown any empathy or provided emotional support? [b]We have. Unfortunately as far as the in-laws dynamic is concerned, daughter in laws are always going to lose. No matter what they do for their husbands family it’s never enough, never right. There is expectation to keep giving and never receive, there is expectation that they can mistreat you since you are like family and families fight and it doesn’t mean anything but at the same time there is also expectation to keep things from you and exclude you from conversations since you are not really family. Sometimes I wonder if I had known how manipulative my in-laws were would I have still married my DH?

You have only given examples of financial support. How often do you see your nephew and his sibling? How often do they come to your house? Have they ever stayed overnight without SIL? Are you active in any of their interests? do you attend any of their “events” (sports games, concerts, recitals...)? Do you have any sort of relationship with them beyond their mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP seems to be only answering the financial stuff and not the relationship stuff. In one post, she seems to think since the ASD diagnosis was 12 years ago, things should be fine now (ASD is forever and it is hard to raise a child with ASD no matter their age or how long you have known). She doesn’t answer how much the ex is in SIL’s life or their children’s. She also doesn’t answer what relationships she and DH have with their nephew and other niece/nephew (we have no knowledge on gender or age) and what they have done to promote those relationships.

I think this should be in the Money forum and not the Family Relationships forum.

No, I think this should be in Family Relationships because SIL is using her son's autism diagnosis as a reason to guilt trip her family into giving her money even though she makes $250K/year herself.

She would never lay a guilt trip like that on anyone else, just family.

Maybe SIL really needs the emotional help, but OP and DH are not doing that, so she settles for the financial help (to be able to throw money at the emotion bit).

What makes you think we haven’t shown any empathy or provided emotional support? [b]We have. Unfortunately as far as the in-laws dynamic is concerned, daughter in laws are always going to lose. No matter what they do for their husbands family it’s never enough, never right. There is expectation to keep giving and never receive, there is expectation that they can mistreat you since you are like family and families fight and it doesn’t mean anything but at the same time there is also expectation to keep things from you and exclude you from conversations since you are not really family. Sometimes I wonder if I had known how manipulative my in-laws were would I have still married my DH?

You have only given examples of financial support. How often do you see your nephew and his sibling? How often do they come to your house? Have they ever stayed overnight without SIL? Are you active in any of their interests? do you attend any of their “events” (sports games, concerts, recitals...)? Do you have any sort of relationship with them beyond their mother?

Well, what has SIL done for Op lately? It sounds like all SIL knows how to do is take. And one sided relationships like that get old in a hurry.

[Anonymous]

Irony: OP complaining about a divorced, special needs parent, while seeking emotional support on an anonymous board

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Irony: OP complaining about a divorced, special needs parent, while seeking emotional support on an anonymous board

Op ain't her SIL's emotional tampon.

The woman needs to get a grip on her budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore, back away from all of them. If she makes $250, she is very comfortable and probably also gets child support. She needs to manage the money better.

Cant. Tried it. MIL expects DH to always help as family is family no matter what was said or done by SIL. They always have excuses but I have reached my breaking point. I honestly will have a nervous breakdown one of these days. There is no pleasing them, nothing is enough.

It is up to your husband to deal with it. Discuss with your husband what you feel is a tolerable amount of charity (whether $x/month, $y/quarter, $z/year, etc) and leave it to him to handle.

I am a husband and I come from one of those types of family. I had to learn to put my foot down. I will budget what we think is an appropriate amount and find a way to portion it out. I have told my mother that I can only afford so much before payday. Or that I have to wait until I've paid for such-and-such before I can give out any more. Like the time I told my mother that we had to have the roof repaired and until the bill came in, I couldn't give any money to my sibling until I knew how much it was going to be, how much could be financed and how much my payments were going to be. Then I gave my sibling a certain amount of money (not the full amount asked for) after the dust settled.

He should know that it will be hard the first few times and you have to set up some pretty big excuses (getting roof repaired, grandkids braces, car broke down, etc) and dig your trenches, but it can be done. And then once it becomes the new norm that you have to prioritize your family, house, car, life, first, then the expectations are that after you've handled your priorities, you'll give sibling money. But it can be done.

Talk to your husband, come up with a plan and let him execute.