How to deal with family member who plays victim ALL THE TIME

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore, back away from all of them. If she makes $250, she is very comfortable and probably also gets child support. She needs to manage the money better.

Cant. Tried it. MIL expects DH to always help as family is family no matter what was said or done by SIL. They always have excuses but I have reached my breaking point. I honestly will have a nervous breakdown one of these days. There is no pleasing them, nothing is enough.

So what if she expects it? Does DH go along with everything MIL wants? If so, couples counseling stat.

He is starting to pull back now but MIL keeps trying to make him feel sorry for SIL so he helps her out

You need to be the squeakier wheel than MIL. Tell DH that you want him to stop enabling his sister, that is putting strain on you both and you are emotionally drained by it, and hold firm. This is a DH problem not a MIL or SIL problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is making 250K and is seriously asking her family for financial help?

Are you and DH making millions or something? I can’t imagine someone making 250K with only 2 kids needing financial help.

[Anonymous]

What kind of relationship do you and your DH have with your 14 nephew and SIL other child that is separate from his mother? Do live close enough to go to some of their activities? I would look beyond your SIL and be there more for her children as their mother sounds very stressed.

[Anonymous]

Is she co-parenting with her ex, or is he not involved at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is making 250K and is seriously asking her family for financial help?

+1
Our combined HHI is less than that. What does she need more money for?

[Anonymous]

Is this a financial need, or a financial kindness you’re griping about?

Her child’s needs must have been significant to get evaluated and diagnosed at age 2. On top of dealing with that, having your husband leave.

OP, did you know that having a child with special needs (both mental/behavioural and physical) is a huge reason that many marriages fail?

Her income may mean little if she’s been paying OOP for the therapies and help to get her apparently early diagnosable child the help he needed to now go to a mainstream school. That doesn’t mean that help isn’t still needed.

Is it really hard to hear her out and pat her on the back occasionally?

And the financial stuff.. I’ll ask again - are you being asked to pay her electric bill, or is MIL wanting to pay for something nice for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a financial need, or a financial kindness you’re griping about?

Her child’s needs must have been significant to get evaluated and diagnosed at age 2. On top of dealing with that, having your husband leave.

OP, did you know that having a child with special needs (both mental/behavioural and physical) is a huge reason that many marriages fail?

Her income may mean little if she’s been paying OOP for the therapies and help to get her apparently early diagnosable child the help he needed to now go to a mainstream school. That doesn’t mean that help isn’t still needed.

Is it really hard to hear her out and pat her on the back occasionally?

And the financial stuff.. I’ll ask again - are you being asked to pay her electric bill, or is MIL wanting to pay for something nice for her?

Doesn't the ex husband, the father of this child, pay anything? It seems to me that SIL should be working out the logistics of her son's care with her child's father. I don't understand why SIL is going to her extended family expecting them to hand over money to her. She is already earning A LOT. If she needs even more money to support her lifestyle maybe she should consider getting remarried. It would also help her to have a partner who can be emotionally supportive of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a financial need, or a financial kindness you’re griping about?

Her child’s needs must have been significant to get evaluated and diagnosed at age 2. On top of dealing with that, having your husband leave.

OP, did you know that having a child with special needs (both mental/behavioural and physical) is a huge reason that many marriages fail?

Her income may mean little if she’s been paying OOP for the therapies and help to get her apparently early diagnosable child the help he needed to now go to a mainstream school. That doesn’t mean that help isn’t still needed.

Is it really hard to hear her out and pat her on the back occasionally?

And the financial stuff.. I’ll ask again - are you being asked to pay her electric bill, or is MIL wanting to pay for something nice for her?

A lot of doctors, especially developmental ped's are quick to diagnose ASD at that age regardless of what the delay is as insurance pays for services. However, we've made 1/2 that, manage just fine with a high special needs child in daily private services. $250K would have be fantastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a financial need, or a financial kindness you’re griping about?

Her child’s needs must have been significant to get evaluated and diagnosed at age 2. On top of dealing with that, having your husband leave.

OP, did you know that having a child with special needs (both mental/behavioural and physical) is a huge reason that many marriages fail?

Her income may mean little if she’s been paying OOP for the therapies and help to get her apparently early diagnosable child the help he needed to now go to a mainstream school. That doesn’t mean that help isn’t still needed.

Is it really hard to hear her out and pat her on the back occasionally?

And the financial stuff.. I’ll ask again - are you being asked to pay her electric bill, or is MIL wanting to pay for something nice for her?

She separated from her ex before the kid was born.
We have empathy. We have helped her out. Paid over 40k in lawyer fee. Listened to her and MIL talk about her problems. She bought a house against my DH advice, even though she knew she needed money for kids therapies and lawyer fee (they fight over visitation) and owes us money. We have ignored most of her unacceptable behavior because we have empathy, never asked to pay us back for the ‘loans’. But instead of showing a tiny bit appreciation for our help etc, she keeps expecting more and more.

[Anonymous]

DH needs to tell his mother and sister that the well is dry - he has lent so much already that he has no extra left to give now and shell have to wait or use some of her own resources. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a financial need, or a financial kindness you’re griping about?

Her child’s needs must have been significant to get evaluated and diagnosed at age 2. On top of dealing with that, having your husband leave.

OP, did you know that having a child with special needs (both mental/behavioural and physical) is a huge reason that many marriages fail?

Her income may mean little if she’s been paying OOP for the therapies and help to get her apparently early diagnosable child the help he needed to now go to a mainstream school. That doesn’t mean that help isn’t still needed.

Is it really hard to hear her out and pat her on the back occasionally?

And the financial stuff.. I’ll ask again - are you being asked to pay her electric bill, or is MIL wanting to pay for something nice for her?

She separated from her ex before the kid was born.
We have empathy. We have helped her out. Paid over 40k in lawyer fee. Listened to her and MIL talk about her problems. She bought a house against my DH advice, even though she knew she needed money for kids therapies and lawyer fee (they fight over visitation) and owes us money. We have ignored most of her unacceptable behavior because we have empathy, never asked to pay us back for the ‘loans’. But instead of showing a tiny bit appreciation for our help etc, she keeps expecting more and more.

That's a shame. Look, Op, you and your family members helped your SIL out when she was in crisis. That was very kind of you to do. But this is hardly an indigent person nor are her problems all that unique. She is very fortunate to have such a well paying job. She owns a house. Yet...she blows through her own money in no time flat and then looks to you for even more money.

Your SIL is terrible with money if she can't manage to make ends meet on 250K. She is absolutely spending her money on extras for herself - clothes, trips, manicures, massages, nice furniture, etc. She just is. You owe her nothing. If she can't manage to live within her means on an income like that she's got a serious problem.

[Anonymous]

Don't fall for the guilt tripping. It is ok to say no. Your SIL will learn to manage. If she gets nasty then distance yourself. As for MIL just don't discuss these things with her.

It's time to put some boundaries into place. If you think about it MIL wants you to help SIL so she doesn't have to. It's time to say no.

[Anonymous]

The real issue isn't your MIL or SIL. It's that you and your DH aren't on the same page. Given the sensitive and long standing nature of this issue, I strongly encourage you to find a counselor and/or a financial advisor to get you on the same page and help you establish boundaries.

Your life doesn't need to be this way. If you choose not to make a change, it will continue to be this way and it will be your fault.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL needs to get a financial advisor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is making 250K and is seriously asking her family for financial help?

Are you and DH making millions or something? I can’t imagine someone making 250K with only 2 kids needing financial help.

OP, how does your HHI compare to hers?