Grades - I screwed up

[Anonymous]

You aren't going to agree with anyone because you know you aren't going to change. You sound like you are actually proud of yourself for losing it and seeing her crumble. It seems like it is giving you a sense of power and now that you have this feeling you are likely to be it again. You keep making excuses for your actions and downplaying it. I don't know if you thought you were going to get posters saying you go tiger mom- crush her spirit - be in control - put the pressure on more. Now that you didn't get that, you are just blase about it all - you seem to think it is kind of funny and you think you did the right thing.

I hope your daughter's other parent is someone who can balance this out. Who loves her for who she is and not for what she can accomplish.

[Anonymous]

When did college become the pinnacle of people's lives? As if you get into a certain college and your life is magically wonderful after that and if you don't get into that certain college then you're doomed for life forever. College is 4 years. A smart, driven kid can succeed in a variety of schools. Sure, OP's DD may have her 14 year old heart set on a college, but how will she respond if she does everything "right", including straight As, and then she isn't part of the 5% acceptance rate? Will she be able to pick herself up and move on or will she crumble and think that she wasn't good enough and it was all her fault that she didn't get in and not be able to recover?

All of this pressure for 4 years of school? She's being molded into the person she'll become right now. Please don't lead her on to believe that if she can get straight As all 4 years of high school then she is guaranteed to get into this magical school. That's some magical thinking on OP's part and allowing her daughter to believe that and perform accordingly is terrible parenting.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a massive control freak. You might be well served with some therapy, and perhaps medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid brought home an 84 and I lost it. Since then, worse grades. I dialed in the pressure cooker. How do I dial it back? Have you been there?

I know I did wrong. I took way too many marbles out of her jar. Too much pressure too soon. She’s cracking to please me, not herself. She was fine before I intervened. I feel awful and responsible for bringing too much negativity into her life.

For the record, we expect straight A’s. She’s capable of this. It’s like I ruined her psyche.

Straight A’s? Sounds like a lovely home environment.

We expect our kids to do their best. That’s it.

DP.. ok, we say this, too, but for the most part, barring any SN, most upper/middle class kids should be able to get an A unless they are in a super hard magnet class.

[Anonymous]

Must be the same OP as the one that lost her mind with her DD for badmouthing her to friends over the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Must be the same OP as the one that lost her mind with her DD for badmouthing her to friends over the phone.

That is what I thought too. They sound very similar.

[Anonymous]

OP, straight As or not as a family goal:

Stop focusing on the outcome and only focus on what is 8n your kid’s actual control. Perhaps the kid studied a different way, tried his best, and it just didn’t work out? Instead of slamming the kid, talk about what to do differently and then make sure the kid puts in the time for the next one.

It is too much to expect perfection every moment of every school day. You are goi;g to teach your kid to be intellectually timid.

So you are now reaping what you sowed. I recommend a talk with the kid and make sure you dont yell about the same thing twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Must be the same OP as the one that lost her mind with her DD for badmouthing her to friends over the phone.

That would make a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not “hands off” if you make her load all her grades into a spreadsheet! Are you for real?

Apologize now while you still can... but you have to mean it. It can’t be “I’m sorry BUT we expect more” or “I’m sorry BUT an 84 is not acceptable.” It has to be sincere.

Yeah, the spread sheet is a bit much since Canvass already is a spread sheet more or less.

When parents only focus on outcomes, which are not fully in the kid’s control, it makes their love seem conditional. Not healthy.

[Anonymous]

DH had a friend whose parents pushed him like nuts in HS. He blew his head off in HS.

[Anonymous]

If your kid comes home in 8th/9th grade talking about going to an elite college, it’s your job to say, “That’s a great school! There are lots of other great schools too, we’ll go visit a bunch your junior year.” You’re not doing that. You’re talking to her in ninth grade about her competition, and your concern doesn’t seem to be with her mental health, it’s with her grades. I do think you need some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH had a friend whose parents pushed him like nuts in HS. He blew his head off in HS.

Unfortunately some parents think that’s a preferable outcome to a B.

[Anonymous]

Why is it so hard to believe that 84 can be sloppy? OP knows her daughter and what she is capable of best.

OP -- I'd take a step back, explain why you think she is capable of an A and why it matters (to her and to you). Having an open conversation never hurts and don't treat her like a child. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Geez. OP here. DCUM can be harsh. Thanks for suggesting my daughter will blow her head off with a gun. Very helpful.

I’m not xenophobic nor a “tiger mom.” I’m just a mom.

A mom trying to balance a kid’s dreams against the reality of the world. What’s wrong with telling her your dreams do not align with your grades? Either you up your academic game or we talk different schools?

Should I pretend my little snowflake would get into this school knowing full well it was a 100% guaranteed rejection? There aren’t trophies in life for all past 4 year old soccer.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’ve changed your story multiple times. From “expecting straight As” to “she’s driving this”. Nope—I don’t buy it. Each time you’ve posted you’ve tried to explain that you’re not as terrible as you sound. A spreadsheet of grades? That sounds delightful.

And you had a 2.9? So where do you get off putting that kind of pressure and expectations in your kid? She has your genes!