Reply to The Rage Mothers Don’t Talk About

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Reply to "The Rage Mothers Don’t Talk About"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] I find it interesting both in the original article and in this thread how dads are not even mentioned. There’s one line in the article that says something about how dads don’t rage, and I just thought “dad’s don’t rage they simply are allowed to walk away.“ I found it offensive that the dad  in that article  was portrayed as calling it in and asking how things went and then criticizing.

[b]In my opinion, much of the anger I have stems from the fact that I have been left to do all of the parenting, and certainly all of the difficult parenting, by myself. My part of parenting is the discipline, the chores, all the house administration, coordination with school, making friend groups for kids, carpools, etc. What little my children’s father contributes  is solely related to “fun“. I get no break. I get no reinforcement. I get very little of the joyful aspects of parenting. [/b]

Being left as a solo parent in the family structure is bad enough, but I am also left unsupported in the larger society. My career suffers because I am a mom. My long-term finances suffer. The cultural constraints on what I am allowed to do are heavy.

My health suffers as well - years of interrupted sleep, years of having to put myself last in terms of exercise and medical care, years of stress born without support.

Yes, I am mad; is that really a surprise?. I no longer direct it at my kids, who I recognize are simply the closest trigger at hand and not the cause of my rage.  I divorced my husband and try to have minimal contact and parallel parent rather than co-parenting with him.  That helped a lot - it forced him to pay for some things equally (In both time and money) and it forced him to have greater interaction with the kids.  (Although it’s sad to say that I have full custody and the 12 hours once a week that I have “off“, represents an improvement over the amount of personal time I had in the marriage.)  Although I still bear by far the greater burden of parenting, it is mitigated by an extended network of friends and family. I have greater control over my day to day life and am far happier and less angry with my kids.

I’m also re-directing my rage away from my kids and toward society -  I’m largely not voting or supporting men anymore, unless they have demonstrated, through repeated actions not words, that they have my back.  I will  only vote for candidates  that actively promote policies like universal child care, caregiver retirement credits,  paid parental leave, Anti-sex harassment and anti-sexual assault policies, Mandatory maternity health coverage, access to for reproductive care, etc.  Why on earth should I have been subject to The economic, policy and social forces that steered me towards being a stay at home mom and being the primary parent? That has to change. I suspect when it does, they’ll be far less mom rage.
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I was actually going to start a separate thread about this topic (though I'm not divorced or considering it). Yes, in today's society that's built around nuclear families with dual-incomes, mom's get saddled with everything most of the time (I know there are exceptions). And we're supposed to love it and feel guilty about working instead of frustrated with the domestic duties we never really had as kids.

It's hard to be fun when you're exhausted all the time...and when a fun "family" outing often results in your getting the kids ready and then coralling them throughout the outing while their dad just gets to enjoy the kids' joy.

Since this is the SN forum, I'll also share that DS has SN (though they have turned out to be much milder than the original dx suggested...or rather on the mild end of the range of what it could have been). For the first year, finding and coordinating the right therapies and specialists was like a second job. And, in many ways, I think the early interventions might be part of why he didn't end up with more delays. But DH was so devastated at the initial news that he was paralyzed...and now he likes to act like I just overblew everything and all of the therapies etc were unnecessary. You simply can't win...either your work is essential and doesn't need acknowledging since it's your job as a mother, or your work is unnecessary and the result of silly "women" priorities.[/quote]

What I don’t understand is why women are allowing this?  Did you go on to have a second kid?

Simply sit down and make a list of everything that has to happen to run your household.  Everything from scheduling cleaners to taking the dog to the vet.  Then talk and write down who is responsible for each thing.  Each spouse OWNS their responsibilities.  You don’t schedule the vet for your husband if that is his responsibility.

If he refuses to do these things then don’t have more kids, consider divorce and/or stop doing all of these things for him.  There may be some consequences from not handling everything but it will be worth it in the long run.

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