Ugh ..AP is not a downgrade

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blindsided about the affair, I thought DH and I had a good relationship (including sex life). I took some comfort in hearing from my friends that APs are usually a downgrade. I am pretty sure I have figured out who the AP is and while she is not significantly younger, she is pretty and highly successful in a field that I left to raise DCs. I was planning to confront DH about the affair but still had hope for reconciliation but this makes me worried he will definitely leave.

I have no useful advice here other than to recommend therapy for him and you. And to otherwise ignore the anonymous posters here. They don't have to live your life and the aftermath to you and your family whether you stay or go. Affairs are super common, many people stay married, the choice is yours.

You misunderstood the 180. That doesn't mean you won't stay together! The 180 is about focusing on yourself- what you really want out of life. Been putting off learning to scuba dive? Do that for yourself. Go to therapy for yourself. Been neglecting your friendships? Go hang out with them without your spouse.

We have the instinct to want to beg the cheating spouse to stay. This is crap. You can't force anyone to love you. They should be begging YOU for forgiveness.

If you focus on yourself then the onus is on the cheater. It actually can make them see you in a different light sometimes...that you aren't just a Mom you are a fully actualized person. We always put our needs last so doing the 180 can reawaken YOU.

It also gets you in the mindset that you will be fine no matter what happens with the marriage. Which is true!

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gather all facts and financial paperwork before confronting. Also see lawyer. He will likely lie and deny.

+1.

Sorry that you are going through this but be smart.

Honestly Sounds like DH just wants the younger model. From description sounds like AP is just a younger OP without the kids and with the career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gather all facts and financial paperwork before confronting. Also see lawyer. He will likely lie and deny.

+1.

Sorry that you are going through this but be smart.

Honestly Sounds like DH just wants the younger model. From description sounds like AP is just a younger OP without the kids and with the career.

It could be something as simple as "I was horny, she was available, men crave novelty." Or it could be a reflection of a deeper issue. We don't know, and OP will get a better understanding when she confronts.

Also, he could be a good man and husband who made a mistake, or a serial narcissist. I always cringe when I see these posts. I travel for work, I see cheating all the time, but most don't get caught and it let's the spouse back home live their own fairytail world while those like OP who discovered something have to deal with the fall out.

Usually the only difference between the long married couple who celebrate their 50th anniversary with the divorced couple is the ability of one person to keep a damn secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So was Angelina a downgrade from Jennifer??!

DP. Yea she was....not everyone wants to date someone with kids. And she has been rumored to be a heroin addict for years.

Jennifer was known as America’s Sweetheart.
Squeaky clean image & the perfect wife for any man.
Loving, loyal, successful + unconventionally cute.

Enter Angelina the seductress.
Sensual, no morals, ambitious + willing to do whatever to snag her prey.
The beautiful one always wins.

Men need to have the prettiest lady because they are highly vision-orientated creatures

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So was Angelina a downgrade from Jennifer??!

Umm, yes...

And they’re divorced now so the affair didn’t even last. He ended up cheating on her with another costar who even looked like a younger version of Angelina. In what universe is that an upgrade?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gather all facts and financial paperwork before confronting. Also see lawyer. He will likely lie and deny.

+1.

Sorry that you are going through this but be smart.

Honestly Sounds like DH just wants the younger model. From description sounds like AP is just a younger OP without the kids and with the career.

It could be something as simple as "I was horny, she was available, men crave novelty." Or it could be a reflection of a deeper issue. We don't know, and OP will get a better understanding when she confronts.

Also, he could be a good man and husband who made a mistake, or a serial narcissist. I always cringe when I see these posts. I travel for work, I see cheating all the time, but most don't get caught and it let's the spouse back home live their own fairytail world while those like OP who discovered something have to deal with the fall out.

Usually the only difference between the long married couple who celebrate their 50th anniversary with the divorced couple is the ability of one person to keep a damn secret.

Fairy Tale.
And not everyone cheats. I know many elderly couples who were faithful their whole lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gather all facts and financial paperwork before confronting. Also see lawyer. He will likely lie and deny.

+1.

Sorry that you are going through this but be smart.

Honestly Sounds like DH just wants the younger model. From description sounds like AP is just a younger OP without the kids and with the career.

It could be something as simple as "I was horny, she was available, men crave novelty." Or it could be a reflection of a deeper issue. We don't know, and OP will get a better understanding when she confronts.

Also, he could be a good man and husband who made a mistake, or a serial narcissist. I always cringe when I see these posts. I travel for work, I see cheating all the time, but most don't get caught and it let's the spouse back home live their own fairytail world while those like OP who discovered something have to deal with the fall out.

Usually the only difference between the long married couple who celebrate their 50th anniversary with the divorced couple is the ability of one person to keep a damn secret.

Fairy Tale.
And not everyone cheats. I know many elderly couples who were faithful their whole lives.

I agree that not everyone cheats. But you don't KNOW that somebody was faithful his/her whole life. You really really don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So was Angelina a downgrade from Jennifer??!

Yes. Jennifer Aniston never made out with her own brother in public.

[Anonymous]

Why would anyone assume the AP is a downgrade?

I feel like the natural assumption is that if someone is going to cheat, it's because the AP is "better" (probably hotter) than their spouse?

Especially if they intend to leave their spouse for the AP.

[Anonymous]

If my husband cheated on me, I would want the AP ot be an upgrade, not a downgrade.

I would lose all respect for him if he risked our marriage for some woman who could never be worth it.

And if the cheating led to divorce and DH married AP, my kids would be better off with a stepmother who generally has her head on her shoulders.

[Anonymous]

An AP is by definition a cheap whore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my husband cheated on me, I would want the AP ot be an upgrade, not a downgrade.

I would lose all respect for him if he risked our marriage for some woman who could never be worth it.

And if the cheating led to divorce and DH married AP, my kids would be better off with a stepmother who generally has her head on her shoulders.

I'm absolutely worth it. I'm attractive, fit, smart, employed. I don't nag. I like sex.
But the upgrade/downgrade thing ... I mean, really you have a point saying all cheaters are a downgrade. I mean, why start a relationship with somebody willing to cheat on her spouse? Downgrade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So was Angelina a downgrade from Jennifer??!

DP. Yea she was....not everyone wants to date someone with kids. And she has been rumored to be a heroin addict for years.

Jennifer was known as America’s Sweetheart.
Squeaky clean image & the perfect wife for any man.
Loving, loyal, successful + unconventionally cute.

Enter Angelina the seductress.
Sensual, no morals, ambitious + willing to do whatever to snag her prey.
The beautiful one always wins.

Men need to have the prettiest lady because they are highly vision-orientated creatures

Sorry, but this is patently untrue. No one woman is the perfect wife for every man, because different men want different things.

[Anonymous]

The whole upgrade/downgrade issue takes the focus off of the fact that cheating is about the cheater and their issues. It's not the spouse and usually not about the AP. The cheater is cheating in an attempt to deal with issues that he or she is unwilling to address in healthy/constructive ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s someone who’d sleep with a married man who has a family. Sounds like a pretty big personality flaw to me.

+1 Who cares how externally successful she is? She has the morals of Tony Soprano.

She has Daddy Issues most likely. She probably had to compete for his attention with a sister or something.

Yeah, because women with Daddy issues come from functional families, they just have a sister. WTF? There are many women out there with daddy issues, but having a sister is not one of those causes.

What say ye, Ivanka?

DP. This is what you are focusing on? Why, it was clearly just an example.

I always wonder about PPs who get angry and hung up on some little aside like this instead of sticking with the main topic. Wonder what is up in their own lives that this catches their attention and sets them off.