Ugh ..AP is not a downgrade

[Anonymous]

I am blindsided about the affair, I thought DH and I had a good relationship (including sex life). I took some comfort in hearing from my friends that APs are usually a downgrade. I am pretty sure I have figured out who the AP is and while she is not significantly younger, she is pretty and highly successful in a field that I left to raise DCs. I was planning to confront DH about the affair but still had hope for reconciliation but this makes me worried he will definitely leave.

[Anonymous]

She’s someone who’d sleep with a married man who has a family. Sounds like a pretty big personality flaw to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s someone who’d sleep with a married man who has a family. Sounds like a pretty big personality flaw to me.

+1. APs are by definition downgrades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s someone who’d sleep with a married man who has a family. Sounds like a pretty big personality flaw to me.

+1 Who cares how externally successful she is? She has the morals of Tony Soprano.

[Anonymous]

OP here...thanks everyone. I know the true personality flawed person is DH since she did not make any vows to me and I have know idea what he told her but I can’t say that I don’t like hearing she is also flawed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks everyone. I know the true personality flawed person is DH since she did not make any vows to me and I have know idea what he told her but I can’t say that I don’t like hearing she is also flawed.

Do you know if she is married or has kids? Has anything been going on within your marriage that could be tied to this? What clued you into the affair?
Sorry that you’re going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am blindsided about the affair, I thought DH and I had a good relationship (including sex life). I took some comfort in hearing from my friends that APs are usually a downgrade. I am pretty sure I have figured out who the AP is and while she is not significantly younger, she is pretty and highly successful in a field that I left to raise DCs. I was planning to confront DH about the affair but still had hope for reconciliation but this makes me worried he will definitely leave.

Listen. Don't beg him to reconcile. I'm serious about this. Do the 180. He should be begging YOU to stay. Don't degrade yourself. You deserve better.
This is the advice I wish someone had given me in the aftermath of finding out about my ex's affair. I got there eventually but it was humiliating for a while playing the "pick me" game as Chump Lady calls it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s someone who’d sleep with a married man who has a family. Sounds like a pretty big personality flaw to me.

+1 Who cares how externally successful she is? She has the morals of Tony Soprano.

She has Daddy Issues most likely. She probably had to compete for his attention with a sister or something.

[Anonymous]

AP's are automatic losers and a definite downgrade. Anyone willing to be a party to destroying someone else's family in an affair is a liar and a loser. This includes your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Is she an UPgrade?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks everyone. I know the true personality flawed person is DH since she did not make any vows to me and I have know idea what he told her but I can’t say that I don’t like hearing she is also flawed.

No. Both are "flawed," unless she didn't realize he was married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blindsided about the affair, I thought DH and I had a good relationship (including sex life). I took some comfort in hearing from my friends that APs are usually a downgrade. I am pretty sure I have figured out who the AP is and while she is not significantly younger, she is pretty and highly successful in a field that I left to raise DCs. I was planning to confront DH about the affair but still had hope for reconciliation but this makes me worried he will definitely leave.

Listen. Don't beg him to reconcile. I'm serious about this. Do the 180. He should be begging YOU to stay. Don't degrade yourself. You deserve better.
This is the advice I wish someone had given me in the aftermath of finding out about my ex's affair. I got there eventually but it was humiliating for a while playing the "pick me" game as Chump Lady calls it.

I did this too. Thinking about it now I cringe but in the moment with all the emotions and seeing my life blow up I couldn't do the 180.

Eff the other woman, your cheating husband should be crying and groveling.

[Anonymous]

Step up your game then.

[Anonymous]

Listen to the advice above! Definitely DO NOT do the pick me dance - you are not the one that betrayed the family. Do the 180 from the day you confront. Tell him he has to decide right there whether to work on the marriage or be out of it, because you did not agree to be in a relationship with three parties. Let him see what life will be like without you and your kids. Shock and awe works much better than groveling.

[Anonymous]

When you confront, he needs to open up all his electronics to you right away (passwords, etc.). Do not let him erase anything. He needs to send her a no contact message while you are watching, and then block her everywhere. If he refuses to do any of this, expose him to his family and friends. Shine some light on things and they are likely to change.