Ugh ..AP is not a downgrade

[Anonymous]

Gather all facts and financial paperwork before confronting. Also see lawyer. He will likely lie and deny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you confront, he needs to open up all his electronics to you right away (passwords, etc.). Do not let him erase anything. He needs to send her a no contact message while you are watching, and then block her everywhere. If he refuses to do any of this, expose him to his family and friends. Shine some light on things and they are likely to change.

Wrong. Cheaters don't care. Their family will still support them. Half their friends already know.

Do the 180.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blindsided about the affair, I thought DH and I had a good relationship (including sex life). I took some comfort in hearing from my friends that APs are usually a downgrade. I am pretty sure I have figured out who the AP is and while she is not significantly younger, she is pretty and highly successful in a field that I left to raise DCs. I was planning to confront DH about the affair but still had hope for reconciliation but this makes me worried he will definitely leave.

Listen. Don't beg him to reconcile. I'm serious about this. Do the 180. He should be begging YOU to stay. Don't degrade yourself. You deserve better.
This is the advice I wish someone had given me in the aftermath of finding out about my ex's affair. I got there eventually but it was humiliating for a while playing the "pick me" game as Chump Lady calls it.

I did this too. Thinking about it now I cringe but in the moment with all the emotions and seeing my life blow up I couldn't do the 180.

Eff the other woman, your cheating husband should be crying and groveling.

+1. When you're blindsided and in the moment, it's so easy to let the emotions take over and feel like you'd do anything to make things better again. Don't let this take over your situation. Put yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks everyone. I know the true personality flawed person is DH since she did not make any vows to me and I have know idea what he told her but I can’t say that I don’t like hearing she is also flawed.

Do you know if she is married or has kids? Has anything been going on within your marriage that could be tied to this? What clued you into the affair?
Sorry that you’re going through this.

How did you find out?

[Anonymous]

Why would you automatically assume she was a downgrade?

That being said, figure out what you want before you confront. If it is to stay, start with therapy for both of you. Affairs don’t happen in a bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you automatically assume she was a downgrade?

That being said, figure out what you want before you confront. If it is to stay, start with therapy for both of you. Affairs don’t happen in a bubble.

You have to consider if he wants to stay too. Prepare for the worse even if you plan to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blindsided about the affair, I thought DH and I had a good relationship (including sex life). I took some comfort in hearing from my friends that APs are usually a downgrade. I am pretty sure I have figured out who the AP is and while she is not significantly younger, she is pretty and highly successful in a field that I left to raise DCs. I was planning to confront DH about the affair but still had hope for reconciliation but this makes me worried he will definitely leave.

Listen. Don't beg him to reconcile. I'm serious about this. Do the 180. He should be begging YOU to stay. Don't degrade yourself. You deserve better.
This is the advice I wish someone had given me in the aftermath of finding out about my ex's affair. I got there eventually but it was humiliating for a while playing the "pick me" game as Chump Lady calls it.

This ! You have to realize that expecting a positive outcome for YOU if you’re thinking that the AP is better is not a winning strategy.
Go to war

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blindsided about the affair, I thought DH and I had a good relationship (including sex life). I took some comfort in hearing from my friends that APs are usually a downgrade. I am pretty sure I have figured out who the AP is and while she is not significantly younger, she is pretty and highly successful in a field that I left to raise DCs. I was planning to confront DH about the affair but still had hope for reconciliation but this makes me worried he will definitely leave.

Listen. Don't beg him to reconcile. I'm serious about this. Do the 180. He should be begging YOU to stay. Don't degrade yourself. You deserve better.
This is the advice I wish someone had given me in the aftermath of finding out about my ex's affair. I got there eventually but it was humiliating for a while playing the "pick me" game as Chump Lady calls it.

This ! You have to realize that expecting a positive outcome for YOU if you’re thinking that the AP is better is not a winning strategy.
Go to war

One more thing. Individual counciling for him and you before you even consider marriage counseling

[Anonymous]

So was Angelina a downgrade from Jennifer??!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s someone who’d sleep with a married man who has a family. Sounds like a pretty big personality flaw to me.

+1 Who cares how externally successful she is? She has the morals of Tony Soprano.

She has Daddy Issues most likely. She probably had to compete for his attention with a sister or something.

Yeah, because women with Daddy issues come from functional families, they just have a sister. WTF? There are many women out there with daddy issues, but having a sister is not one of those causes.

What say ye, Ivanka?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am blindsided about the affair, I thought DH and I had a good relationship (including sex life). I took some comfort in hearing from my friends that APs are usually a downgrade. I am pretty sure I have figured out who the AP is and while she is not significantly younger, she is pretty and highly successful in a field that I left to raise DCs. I was planning to confront DH about the affair but still had hope for reconciliation but this makes me worried he will definitely leave.

Listen. Don't beg him to reconcile. I'm serious about this. Do the 180. He should be begging YOU to stay. Don't degrade yourself. You deserve better.
This is the advice I wish someone had given me in the aftermath of finding out about my ex's affair. I got there eventually but it was humiliating for a while playing the "pick me" game as Chump Lady calls it.

This ! You have to realize that expecting a positive outcome for YOU if you’re thinking that the AP is better is not a winning strategy.
Go to war

"Go to the mattresses".

(no pun intended)

[Anonymous]

Op here’s a dose of truth serum for you.

AP is the version of you... before you woke up.

DH has not changed. You have grown up. And he knows you can see through his bullshit so... he has sought out another that believes him hook line and sinker. Their relationship, from her perspective, has nothing to do with you. The relationship is based on the lie he has sold her.

Get out, move on. Save your future self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s someone who’d sleep with a married man who has a family. Sounds like a pretty big personality flaw to me.

+1 Who cares how externally successful she is? She has the morals of Tony Soprano.

She has Daddy Issues most likely. She probably had to compete for his attention with a sister or something.

Yeah, because women with Daddy issues come from functional families, they just have a sister. WTF? There are many women out there with daddy issues, but having a sister is not one of those causes.

What say ye, Ivanka?

I wasnt saying it would be the fault of the sister or having a sister but there are parents who play favorites or make children vie for their attention. Always the fault of the adult! Like Kamelea (sp?) And Tahani on The Good Place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am blindsided about the affair, I thought DH and I had a good relationship (including sex life). I took some comfort in hearing from my friends that APs are usually a downgrade. I am pretty sure I have figured out who the AP is and while she is not significantly younger, she is pretty and highly successful in a field that I left to raise DCs. I was planning to confront DH about the affair but still had hope for reconciliation but this makes me worried he will definitely leave.

I have no useful advice here other than to recommend therapy for him and you. And to otherwise ignore the anonymous posters here. They don't have to live your life and the aftermath to you and your family whether you stay or go. Affairs are super common, many people stay married, the choice is yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So was Angelina a downgrade from Jennifer??!

DP. Yea she was....not everyone wants to date someone with kids. And she has been rumored to be a heroin addict for years.