double standard for girls and boys..but I can't help it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have B/G twins so I usually try and get my son to meet up with my daughter when it gets late. But my husband did just spend 90 minutes in an Applebees parking lot a few weeks ago when my daughter and 3 other 15/16 year olds went to have appetizers and milkshakes after a school play rehearsal at 9:30. She drives so she drove there and home. DH literally just stayed in the parking lot as a compromise because he wasn't allowed to go in and sit at the bar. "INSIDE IS NOT ALLOWED DAD, PLEASE GOD NO".

Does your husband have an anxiety disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine sending my DD the message that I distrust her so much I can’t give her the same privileges I gave her older brother. There’s really no way to justify that kind of sexism.

+1

This is awful, OP. Your DD should have the same privileges. What exactly are you afraid of? She will get kidnapped? Raped? Highly highly highly unlikely. Your son is more likely to have trouble.

+1

I’m appalled OP that you are so casual about your sexism here. It’s also disturbing how naive you are. While yes, the potential concerns for teen boys and girls are likely a bit different I think 14 year olds are EQUALLY as likely to get in trouble after dark. Your son is just as likely to be with boys who speed, damage property or verbally or physically assault girls while out in a group of teens as your daughter is likely to be verbally or physically assaulted or lured away from her group by an older boy. If you know your kids and their friends then the likelihood of any of the above is LOW but that’s bizarre to me that you’d punish your daughter for being a female. Spend more time talking to your son about appropriate behavior and policing the behavior of other boys in his group or kids from school and less time imagining how you’ll just lock your daughter up at home.

[Anonymous]

How sad that the local post-game hangout is Applebee's.

[Anonymous]

Let her go! It’s ice cream with friends after a football game. It doesn’t get more innocent than that. Offer to pick them up at 10 or 10:30.

[Anonymous]

You can help it. You just choose not to.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband have an anxiety disorder?

I wondered the same thing. So you have a 16 year old high school junior with a driver's license and a car, but her dad follows her around on a Friday night in his own car and sits outside the teen hangout? Maybe I missed something but that seems odd. Is he just there to drive the other kids home or is your teen in need of a body guard for some reason?


I'm surprised that no one has chimed in to say that their teen would never ask to go out for ice cream because they have been raised to make sound nutritional decisions for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Does your husband have an anxiety disorder?

I wondered the same thing. So you have a 16 year old high school junior with a driver's license and a car, but her dad follows her around on a Friday night in his own car and sits outside the teen hangout? Maybe I missed something but that seems odd. Is he just there to drive the other kids home or is your teen in need of a body guard for some reason?


I'm surprised that no one has chimed in to say that their teen would never ask to go out for ice cream because they have been raised to make sound nutritional decisions for themselves.

Yea, having dad in the parking lot sounds crazy.

I remember watching a documentary on a tribe where kids would walk dozens of miles through predator-infested savannah alone. The fact that near-adults can’t even go to Applebee’s without a parent within 100 yards is just.....sad.

[Anonymous]

I was so fortunate to grow up with parents who did not see girls as weak, fragile flowers. They never treated me any differently than my brothers and it was great. I grew up without much fear, confidence, no self esteem or body image issues, and very independent. I have traveled the world on my own and done all kinds of things (adventure sports etc) that involve a bit of risk. So many women have told me how they wish they didn't have the fear and anxiety they have and they ask me how I overcame it. I actually didn't have to overcome it because it goes back to how I was raised and that it wasn't instilled in me in the first place. It isn't that I am invincible but most of the bad things that happen in life are not going to be avoided by being fearful or staying at home or not taking some risks in life. Often the wrong person is the one you trust, not the boogy man waiting behind a bush to get you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine sending my DD the message that I distrust her so much I can’t give her the same privileges I gave her older brother. There’s really no way to justify that kind of sexism.

+1

This is awful, OP. Your DD should have the same privileges. What exactly are you afraid of? She will get kidnapped? Raped? Highly highly highly unlikely. Your son is more likely to have trouble.

+1

I’m appalled OP that you are so casual about your sexism here. It’s also disturbing how naive you are. While yes, the potential concerns for teen boys and girls are likely a bit different I think 14 year olds are EQUALLY as likely to get in trouble after dark. Your son is just as likely to be with boys who speed, damage property or verbally or physically assault girls while out in a group of teens as your daughter is likely to be verbally or physically assaulted or lured away from her group by an older boy. If you know your kids and their friends then the likelihood of any of the above is LOW but that’s bizarre to me that you’d punish your daughter for being a female. Spend more time talking to your son about appropriate behavior and policing the behavior of other boys in his group or kids from school and less time imagining how you’ll just lock your daughter up at home.

If your two children are only a couple of years apart, they are both very aware of what you allow each one to do and are already making assessments of how "fair" you are (typing as a mom of a 13 year old and 16 year old) Treating your daughter so differently to your son (assuming that you do so when she turns 14) will have a lot of unintended consequences for her and your relationship with her that you should carefully consider -- you are basically communicating to her that you don't trust her, that she is not as capable, and that instead first stepping back an examining problems/issues in life, she should just meekly accept that she benefits less. And even if your words say something different when you talk to her, your actions will have a greater impact.

And yes, as other posters have said, chances of your DD developing a deep resentment, anger, and turning to hiding and lying as an older teen will go up – just a natural response to how you perceive her and treat her.

And BTW --yes, you can help it -- that's part of being an adult.

and last word, really, your scared to let a 14 year old get ice cream with friends after a football game?? Your job as a parent is to teach your child how to navigate the world she is entering -- this sounds more like a co-out to me . . . . but good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 14 yr old just called me now at 9:45pm to tell me he and his friends want to go get ice cream after watching the football game at his HS. I made sure I knew who he was with, and exactly where they are going, etc..and he checks in every so often via text.

But I was just saying to my DH that if this was our DD at 14, I would've said no, and he agrees.

Total double standard, and I remember my parents having this kind of double standard for me and my brother when I was a teenager.

But, I can't help it.. I wouldn't want my DD at 14 out and about at this time of night with just a couple of her female friends. She's got a few years to reach 14, but oiy, I can see .. this is gonna be tough.

Of course you CAN help it, you just don’t want to. This is all sexist bullsh*t. Get over yourself, prepare yourself to treat your daughter the same way you treat your son, or be prepared to have a sh*tty relationship with her and for her to doubt her own worth, agency and ability to take care of herself because of YOUR hang ups.

Girls are more of a target. Unfortunately, that's real life. I don't have to really worry about my DS getting raped by a drunk boy at a party. I do of course talk to my DS about "no means no", but he hasn't even hit puberty yet, so I don't have to worry about that just yet, though of course, it's on my radar.

Why would she doubt her own worth just because I am more cautious with her than her brother? DD also has a lot of anxiety and tends to panic in emergency situations. So yes, we will probably have to treat her a bit differently.

This is so sad that your girl will have to start limiting her life. You might as well tell her you want her to wear a burka. Why not say no to your son? Bad things can happen to him. Haven't you heard of take back the night? Why should women and girls live in fear?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have B/G twins so I usually try and get my son to meet up with my daughter when it gets late. But my husband did just spend 90 minutes in an Applebees parking lot a few weeks ago when my daughter and 3 other 15/16 year olds went to have appetizers and milkshakes after a school play rehearsal at 9:30. She drives so she drove there and home. DH literally just stayed in the parking lot as a compromise because he wasn't allowed to go in and sit at the bar. "INSIDE IS NOT ALLOWED DAD, PLEASE GOD NO".

That's so cute and sweet - op.

That’s not cute or sweet. It’s overprotective and shows that you don’t trust DD to handle basic life skills, like walking through a parking lot. It’s sexist, disgusting and sad. I’m surprised your girls don’t have extreme anxiety after receiving the message that they’re not as capable as their brothers from their parents. I wonder if you parents realize that you’re setting the stage for your DDs to have relationships with men who are sexist and won’t treat them as partners because you’re teaching your girls they’re not equal.

[Anonymous]

Dad sitting outside of Applebee's even though DD is driving? Why? That is borderline creepy!

[Anonymous]

I can't help it?

You don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Isn't it funny that in countries that have double standards about girls and boys acceptable behaviors and "protect" the girls from harm..I bet you in Yemen they don't let their daughters get ice cream with pals, but are perfectly fine with having them raped by family members. I was being bit easy on OP at the beginning, but simply OP, women like you make me sick! People like you is why DJT is the President.
"And in the Middle East, it's young girls who are considered desirable and men are able to satisfy their lusts legally through child marriages. In Yemen, more than a quarter of girls are married before the age of 15. Cases of girls dying during childbirth are not unusual, and recently, one 12-year-old child bride even died from internal bleeding following sexual intercourse. In another case, a 12-year-old girl was married to an 80-year-old man in Saudi Arabia."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have B/G twins so I usually try and get my son to meet up with my daughter when it gets late. But my husband did just spend 90 minutes in an Applebees parking lot a few weeks ago when my daughter and 3 other 15/16 year olds went to have appetizers and milkshakes after a school play rehearsal at 9:30. She drives so she drove there and home. DH literally just stayed in the parking lot as a compromise because he wasn't allowed to go in and sit at the bar. "INSIDE IS NOT ALLOWED DAD, PLEASE GOD NO".

That's so cute and sweet - op.

That’s not cute or sweet. It’s overprotective and shows that you don’t trust DD to handle basic life skills, like walking through a parking lot. It’s sexist, disgusting and sad. I’m surprised your girls don’t have extreme anxiety after receiving the message that they’re not as capable as their brothers from their parents. I wonder if you parents realize that you’re setting the stage for your DDs to have relationships with men who are sexist and won’t treat them as partners because you’re teaching your girls they’re not equal.

Seriously.

What are you going to do about the cast party? Drive around the block until someone calls the cops?