double standard for girls and boys..but I can't help it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 14 yr old just called me now at 9:45pm to tell me he and his friends want to go get ice cream after watching the football game at his HS. I made sure I knew who he was with, and exactly where they are going, etc..and he checks in every so often via text.

But I was just saying to my DH that if this was our DD at 14, I would've said no, and he agrees.

Total double standard, and I remember my parents having this kind of double standard for me and my brother when I was a teenager.

But, I can't help it.. I wouldn't want my DD at 14 out and about at this time of night with just a couple of her female friends. She's got a few years to reach 14, but oiy, I can see .. this is gonna be tough.

Of course you CAN help it, you just don’t want to. This is all sexist bullsh*t. Get over yourself, prepare yourself to treat your daughter the same way you treat your son, or be prepared to have a sh*tty relationship with her and for her to doubt her own worth, agency and ability to take care of herself because of YOUR hang ups.

Girls are more of a target. Unfortunately, that's real life. I don't have to really worry about my DS getting raped by a drunk boy at a party. I do of course talk to my DS about "no means no", but he hasn't even hit puberty yet, so I don't have to worry about that just yet, though of course, it's on my radar.

Why would she doubt her own worth just because I am more cautious with her than her brother? DD also has a lot of anxiety and tends to panic in emergency situations. So yes, we will probably have to treat her a bit differently.

Maybe if parents of boys just wouldn't let them go out to parties (in case they got drunk and tried to rape someone) then parents of girls could let them go out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DP here. I will take your concepts further and say that individuals carry within themselves different risks. My son has severe ADHD, which poses a significant risk to his own safety. My daughter is very petite, which makes her more of an easy target. Every child has a different maturity level and physical attributes over which they have little control.

Instead of issuing idiotic blanket statements and unfair accusations like previous posters have done, let each parent worry about their own child and accept that others know their child well and make the right decisions for them.

It's a matter of respect. Respect other's decision-making.

OP here.. yes, this part of it. DD is very petite, has a lot of anxiety, and generally does not react well in emergency situations. She tends to panic and freeze up.

DS has always been much more aware and focused.

It's a bit like leaving your child home alone. When DS was 9, I had no problem leaving him at home for an hour because he is more mature. At 11, I still feel uncomfortable leaving DD at home alone for an hour because of her tendencies to panic and freeze up during an emergency situation. She has a lot more fears than DS ever did. She's in therapy for her anxieties and other issues.

And I certainly am not sexist. I'm actually quite a feminist, but different children need to be parented differently because they are all different.

My sister faced the same situation, and she has two daughters. One daughter is street smart and tough, and my sister never really worries about her being out. The other one is a lot more fearful and has anxieties, and my sister worries about her more.

My mother is the same way with me and my sisters. My mother said to me that she never worries about me (as an adult) because she knows I can handle myself, whereas one of my sisters is not as capable. It's not like she tried to parent us differently, but that my sister and I are very different.

So rather than overprotecting your DD, you need to be treating the anxiety (therapist, psychiatrist, medication, meditation, mindfulness, etc) and actively working with her on ways to increase her self-confidence and make her more comfortable with decision making. What you are doing now is sending the message that you don’t have confidence in her. Which is going to make the situation worse.

Deal with the anxiety and lack of self confidence and freezing up now. Or in a few years, you are going to have a failure to launch issue.

Also, freezing up on decision making and anxiety can be signs of ADHD in girls. ADHD presents very differently in girls and boys. My DD freezes up like this when I medicated, and does not have these issues when taking Concerta. It could just be anxiety. But keep that in the back of your mind.

And, if her anxiety is bad enough that she can’t socialize, stay home alone, etc. in an appropriate way for her age, please treat it.

Did you read the part where I stated that she is in therapy?

And I do teach her to be self confident and to not be so fearful ,and I do leave her alone for an hour or so, but I worry more with her than I did with DS because of her personality.

I actually have a hard time understanding her in this regard because I am completely opposite of her in terms of her fearfulness and anxiety. I have talked to her therapist about how I can parent her better given her issues.

Yes, I do worry about her future more than I worry about DS's because of her issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DP here. I will take your concepts further and say that individuals carry within themselves different risks. My son has severe ADHD, which poses a significant risk to his own safety. My daughter is very petite, which makes her more of an easy target. Every child has a different maturity level and physical attributes over which they have little control.

Instead of issuing idiotic blanket statements and unfair accusations like previous posters have done, let each parent worry about their own child and accept that others know their child well and make the right decisions for them.

It's a matter of respect. Respect other's decision-making.

OP here.. yes, this part of it. DD is very petite, has a lot of anxiety, and generally does not react well in emergency situations. She tends to panic and freeze up.

DS has always been much more aware and focused.

It's a bit like leaving your child home alone. When DS was 9, I had no problem leaving him at home for an hour because he is more mature. At 11, I still feel uncomfortable leaving DD at home alone for an hour because of her tendencies to panic and freeze up during an emergency situation. She has a lot more fears than DS ever did. She's in therapy for her anxieties and other issues.

And I certainly am not sexist. I'm actually quite a feminist, but different children need to be parented differently because they are all different.

My sister faced the same situation, and she has two daughters. One daughter is street smart and tough, and my sister never really worries about her being out. The other one is a lot more fearful and has anxieties, and my sister worries about her more.

My mother is the same way with me and my sisters. My mother said to me that she never worries about me (as an adult) because she knows I can handle myself, whereas one of my sisters is not as capable. It's not like she tried to parent us differently, but that my sister and I are very different.

How will your dd ever gain some confidence with a mother like you? It is clear that you are highly anxious person yourself and she is picking up on that.

Nope.. she doesn't get it from me. I'm completely opposite of her in terms of anxiety and fearfulness. My mother told me she doesn't know where I get my fearlessness from and that my DD is so different from me.

I was wondering where my DD gets her fearfulness from because it's not from me. Some people are just more anxiety ridden and fearful than others. Difference in personality, I assume. My sister is the same way. Maybe my DD takes after her, because in this regard, she certainly doesn't take after me.

What I am doing to teach her self confidence? She's in therapy, and we talk through situations a lot. She's confident in other things that she's good at, but she's just a very fearful person. She can't even watch some PG rated movie without getting scared or having anxiety. That's how sensitive she is. Me? I love horror movies. We are totally opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

ITD. Boys are far more likely to get in fights, beat up or arrested.

Plus 1

lol.. my DS is on the short side and doesn't like getting physical. I suppose things could change in the future, but right now, he hasn't even hit puberty yet, and he's a nerd. Getting into fights or arrested is certainly not really something I am overly concerned about for DS, though of course, we have had talks about staying out of trouble and not hanging out with other kids who will get him into trouble. Getting beat up, maybe. I could see that given how small he is which is why when he's out at night, I make sure he's part of a group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

Most girls are victimized at home. Like op's dd is oppressed at home, because she is female. OP supports patriarchy and all that comes with it, such as propagating the idea that women are less than me.

+1 Also girls in these situations are less likely to report issues because their parents shame and blame victims and the girls will lose even more freedoms if they tell their parents they did have some trouble.

I can’t believe in subsequent posts OP is claiming not to be sexist, and she’s going on about her DD’s anxiety which she’s contributing to. Having a daughter made me more aware of sexist behavior and more ready to stand up for women’s rights. It’s infuriating to see it make other women more sexist and misogynistic, especially while they claim not to be or say they can’t help it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DP here. I will take your concepts further and say that individuals carry within themselves different risks. My son has severe ADHD, which poses a significant risk to his own safety. My daughter is very petite, which makes her more of an easy target. Every child has a different maturity level and physical attributes over which they have little control.

Instead of issuing idiotic blanket statements and unfair accusations like previous posters have done, let each parent worry about their own child and accept that others know their child well and make the right decisions for them.

It's a matter of respect. Respect other's decision-making.

OP here.. yes, this part of it. DD is very petite, has a lot of anxiety, and generally does not react well in emergency situations. She tends to panic and freeze up.

DS has always been much more aware and focused.

It's a bit like leaving your child home alone. When DS was 9, I had no problem leaving him at home for an hour because he is more mature. At 11, I still feel uncomfortable leaving DD at home alone for an hour because of her tendencies to panic and freeze up during an emergency situation. She has a lot more fears than DS ever did. She's in therapy for her anxieties and other issues.

And I certainly am not sexist. I'm actually quite a feminist, but different children need to be parented differently because they are all different.

My sister faced the same situation, and she has two daughters. One daughter is street smart and tough, and my sister never really worries about her being out. The other one is a lot more fearful and has anxieties, and my sister worries about her more.

My mother is the same way with me and my sisters. My mother said to me that she never worries about me (as an adult) because she knows I can handle myself, whereas one of my sisters is not as capable. It's not like she tried to parent us differently, but that my sister and I are very different.

How will your dd ever gain some confidence with a mother like you? It is clear that you are highly anxious person yourself and she is picking up on that.

Nope.. she doesn't get it from me. I'm completely opposite of her in terms of anxiety and fearfulness. My mother told me she doesn't know where I get my fearlessness from and that my DD is so different from me.

I was wondering where my DD gets her fearfulness from because it's not from me. Some people are just more anxiety ridden and fearful than others. Difference in personality, I assume. My sister is the same way. Maybe my DD takes after her, because in this regard, she certainly doesn't take after me.

What I am doing to teach her self confidence? She's in therapy, and we talk through situations a lot. She's confident in other things that she's good at, but she's just a very fearful person. She can't even watch some PG rated movie without getting scared or having anxiety. That's how sensitive she is. Me? I love horror movies. We are totally opposite.

Therapy doesn’t give confidence; exposure to & mastery of uncomfortable situations does. What uncomfortable, independent situations is she put in?

[Anonymous]

Even anxious kids must be independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
???

My 14 year old son is introverted, and prefers reading inside, or playing video games, but going outside with friends at night has just never occurred to him. I would feel quite worried if he did! Same for my daughter.

Neither my husband nor myself did that sort of thing either at that age. I was allowed to go out at night with friends in college. We lived in a capital city in Europe, and my friends and I lived at home while attending college, like many continental Europeans.

That sort of thing?! Watching your HS football game and getting ice cream? You would be worried if they went for ice cream?!

In the dark, yes, particularly regarding car accidents. You probably think I'm crazy. I suppose if he was in a group of trusted friends, and the site was well lit, it wouldn't be a problem.

I'm just realizing that I've never thought about these things.

Are you in the DMV? And not in "soon to be America" Greenland? If you are here, you better start thinking about it, those kids that are happy to read Pride and Prejudice at home as teens, are too few...Seriously, let your kid live, before she and you know it, she will be in college and then working and having kids. Talk about ruining her teen years. And for what? So she can hate you for decades to come? Because that's what kids do.

It's not what all kids do. Maybe it's what YOU did.

I'm so sick of parents that throw up their hands and accept drinking, drugs, alcohol, and sex as the right of teens. Stop abdicating your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

ITD. Boys are far more likely to get in fights, beat up or arrested.

Plus 1

lol.. my DS is on the short side and doesn't like getting physical. I suppose things could change in the future, but right now, he hasn't even hit puberty yet, and he's a nerd. Getting into fights or arrested is certainly not really something I am overly concerned about for DS, though of course, we have had talks about staying out of trouble and not hanging out with other kids who will get him into trouble. Getting beat up, maybe. I could see that given how small he is which is why when he's out at night, I make sure he's part of a group.

No offence but you are so mistaken on this. The boys who are smaller and look like easy pickings are more likely to be targeted for a fight.

I would like to remind you all that all this about girls being more vulnerable is really talking about rape - you are worried your dd will be sexually assaulted. The great majority of sexual assaults are committed by people the victim already knows. Girls are only SLIGHTLY more likely to be sexually assaulted than boys.

Pay attention to where your boys are too, and check your sexism at the door. If you are comfortable with the risk your son takes then it should be fine for your dd too. If it isn't going to be okay for your dd, then don't let your son do it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

Following that logic, you should be worried that if the boys are out at night, they will learn to think behavior like Kavenaugh's is perfectly acceptable. If that doesn't scare you, there's no help for your parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

Boys are more likely to be victims than girls are. We just don't care as much about boys. If a boy gets beat to a pulp or shot or punched and falls and has a brain injury - no one really cares (other than their immediate circle). Boys are more disposable in society and so we don't work to protect them.

[Anonymous]

OP, setting aside the issue of boys vs girls (even though I know that’s a central part of this debate) - if your daughter is a good kid who’s responsible and has a good group of friends who largely stay out of trouble, limiting her from harmless social activities will make her resent the fact that you don’t trust her. It would be one thing if she was sneaking out at 3 am and never answering her phone. But to say she won’t be allowed to go get ice cream and occasionally be out until 10:30 instead of 9:30 or whatever isn’t really fair to her. It doesn’t sound like she’s given you any reason to doubt that she would be responsible at your home town ice cream place. Treating her with kid gloves because you’re worried about how she will react in an unlikely emergency will almost assure that she is terrified in all new situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

ITD. Boys are far more likely to get in fights, beat up or arrested.

Plus 1

lol.. my DS is on the short side and doesn't like getting physical. I suppose things could change in the future, but right now, he hasn't even hit puberty yet, and he's a nerd. Getting into fights or arrested is certainly not really something I am overly concerned about for DS, though of course, we have had talks about staying out of trouble and not hanging out with other kids who will get him into trouble. Getting beat up, maybe. I could see that given how small he is which is why when he's out at night, I make sure he's part of a group.

No offence but you are so mistaken on this. The boys who are smaller and look like easy pickings are more likely to be targeted for a fight.

I would like to remind you all that all this about girls being more vulnerable is really talking about rape - you are worried your dd will be sexually assaulted. The great majority of sexual assaults are committed by people the victim already knows. Girls are only SLIGHTLY more likely to be sexually assaulted than boys.

Pay attention to where your boys are too, and check your sexism at the door. If you are comfortable with the risk your son takes then it should be fine for your dd too. If it isn't going to be okay for your dd, then don't let your son do it either.

Indeed.. which is why I would be more hesitant for DD to be out, even with a group of friends.

What source are you using regarding a high rate of sexual assault of boys?

I read somewhere that 1 out of every 16 girls first sexual encounter will be from rape. That's scary AF to me.

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/1-in-16-u-s-women-say-their-first-sexual-intercourse-was-rape

One out of five women and one out of 71 men will be raped in their lifetime, according to the CDC’s 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey.

That statistic does not indicate that girls are only SLIGHTLY more likely to be sexually assaulted than boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

ITD. Boys are far more likely to get in fights, beat up or arrested.

Plus 1

lol.. my DS is on the short side and doesn't like getting physical. I suppose things could change in the future, but right now, he hasn't even hit puberty yet, and he's a nerd. Getting into fights or arrested is certainly not really something I am overly concerned about for DS, though of course, we have had talks about staying out of trouble and not hanging out with other kids who will get him into trouble. Getting beat up, maybe. I could see that given how small he is which is why when he's out at night, I make sure he's part of a group.

No offence but you are so mistaken on this. The boys who are smaller and look like easy pickings are more likely to be targeted for a fight.

I would like to remind you all that all this about girls being more vulnerable is really talking about rape - you are worried your dd will be sexually assaulted. The great majority of sexual assaults are committed by people the victim already knows. Girls are only SLIGHTLY more likely to be sexually assaulted than boys.

Pay attention to where your boys are too, and check your sexism at the door. If you are comfortable with the risk your son takes then it should be fine for your dd too. If it isn't going to be okay for your dd, then don't let your son do it either.

Is it sexism to be realistic about how girls are more of a target for rape than boys? Of course I pay attention to where DS is. I ask him where he is, who he's with, etc..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

ITD. Boys are far more likely to get in fights, beat up or arrested.

Plus 1

lol.. my DS is on the short side and doesn't like getting physical. I suppose things could change in the future, but right now, he hasn't even hit puberty yet, and he's a nerd. Getting into fights or arrested is certainly not really something I am overly concerned about for DS, though of course, we have had talks about staying out of trouble and not hanging out with other kids who will get him into trouble. Getting beat up, maybe. I could see that given how small he is which is why when he's out at night, I make sure he's part of a group.

No offence but you are so mistaken on this. The boys who are smaller and look like easy pickings are more likely to be targeted for a fight.

I would like to remind you all that all this about girls being more vulnerable is really talking about rape - you are worried your dd will be sexually assaulted. The great majority of sexual assaults are committed by people the victim already knows. Girls are only SLIGHTLY more likely to be sexually assaulted than boys.

Pay attention to where your boys are too, and check your sexism at the door. If you are comfortable with the risk your son takes then it should be fine for your dd too. If it isn't going to be okay for your dd, then don't let your son do it either.

Indeed.. which is why I would be more hesitant for DD to be out, even with a group of friends.

What source are you using regarding a high rate of sexual assault of boys?

I read somewhere that 1 out of every 16 girls first sexual encounter will be from rape. That's scary AF to me.

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/1-in-16-u-s-women-say-their-first-sexual-intercourse-was-rape

One out of five women and one out of 71 men will be raped in their lifetime, according to the CDC’s 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey.

That statistic does not indicate that girls are only SLIGHTLY more likely to be sexually assaulted than boys.

Rape is an unhelpful term as in some definitions and studies - makes can't be raped. Also some stats are pulled from reported rapes - again, women are far more likely than men to report.

I did a lot of research on this a few years back - up until the age of 11/12, sexual abuse of boys and girls is about even. From then on - through the teen years and into adulthood when there is less ongoing abuse and more assaults, females experience more. Sexual abuse of males in homosexual relationships is higher, especially in the teen years. In adulthood, men do experience sexual assault but at a lesser rate than women (women are about 3 times more likely to experience any sexual assault). Teen boys and men use different terms and are often socially conditioned to see what happened to them as a good thing rather than an assault - even if they didn't consent. While the rate of official reporting is low for everyone, it is much lower for males than females. Depending on where people get their stats.

I think the overall stat is that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men will experience some kind of unwanted sexual contact during their lifetime.