double standard for girls and boys..but I can't help it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14 yr old just called me now at 9:45pm to tell me he and his friends want to go get ice cream after watching the football game at his HS. I made sure I knew who he was with, and exactly where they are going, etc..and he checks in every so often via text.

But I was just saying to my DH that if this was our DD at 14, I would've said no, and he agrees.

Total double standard, and I remember my parents having this kind of double standard for me and my brother when I was a teenager.

But, I can't help it.. I wouldn't want my DD at 14 out and about at this time of night with just a couple of her female friends. She's got a few years to reach 14, but oiy, I can see .. this is gonna be tough.

Of course you CAN help it, you just don’t want to. This is all sexist bullsh*t. Get over yourself, prepare yourself to treat your daughter the same way you treat your son, or be prepared to have a sh*tty relationship with her and for her to doubt her own worth, agency and ability to take care of herself because of YOUR hang ups.

[Anonymous]

It really is the American way for kids to have friends,
go to their high school football games and go out
for ice cream afterwards.

This high school activity is duplicated by kids in millions
of towns and cities all over the US and is part of growing up.

I'd be concerned for the kids who do not have friends
and game all night instead of having "real" friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
???

My 14 year old son is introverted, and prefers reading inside, or playing video games, but going outside with friends at night has just never occurred to him. I would feel quite worried if he did! Same for my daughter.

Neither my husband nor myself did that sort of thing either at that age. I was allowed to go out at night with friends in college. We lived in a capital city in Europe, and my friends and I lived at home while attending college, like many continental Europeans.

That sort of thing?! Watching your HS football game and getting ice cream? You would be worried if they went for ice cream?!

In the dark, yes, particularly regarding car accidents. You probably think I'm crazy. I suppose if he was in a group of trusted friends, and the site was well lit, it wouldn't be a problem.

I'm just realizing that I've never thought about these things.

Are you in the DMV? And not in "soon to be America" Greenland? If you are here, you better start thinking about it, those kids that are happy to read Pride and Prejudice at home as teens, are too few...Seriously, let your kid live, before she and you know it, she will be in college and then working and having kids. Talk about ruining her teen years. And for what? So she can hate you for decades to come? Because that's what kids do.

I'm in Bethesda, and no, I don't hate my parents for not allowing me to go out at night in high school, I wouldn't have liked it and my friends didn't do it either, so there wouldn't have been a group to go with. Please understand that your normal is not other people's normal. I don't worry about my children resenting me, I don't worry about ruining my children's teen years. Why, do yours live for going out at night? My 14 year old does not. If he did, or our daughter did, we would certainly do our best to find a safe solution. As I said, I didn't realize until I read this thread that this is what some 14 year olds did here! He has never asked to do this, probably because his friends don't to this either (yet?).

NP. Does your son have a social life outside of school? What pps are describing, going out for ice cream with friends after a football game, is a very normal part of American teen life, to the point that it’s nearly a cliche. Not everyone is very sociable, though, and that’s okay.

[Anonymous]

It is normal for groups of 14 year old girls to go out for
ice cream after football games.

Again, not normal would be the girl without "real" friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will be out getting ice cram at 15 at 9pm! Unless you are a total psycho.

It's closer to 10pm than 9pm. My curfew at 14 was 9pm. My parent were not psycho, and I did not rebel. - OP

I am just laughing so hard OP. If she has any spirit, she will be twisting you up and down. Why are you such a bigot?

??? WTF? How am I being a bigot? Did you post in the wrong thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 14 yr old just called me now at 9:45pm to tell me he and his friends want to go get ice cream after watching the football game at his HS. I made sure I knew who he was with, and exactly where they are going, etc..and he checks in every so often via text.

But I was just saying to my DH that if this was our DD at 14, I would've said no, and he agrees.

Total double standard, and I remember my parents having this kind of double standard for me and my brother when I was a teenager.

But, I can't help it.. I wouldn't want my DD at 14 out and about at this time of night with just a couple of her female friends. She's got a few years to reach 14, but oiy, I can see .. this is gonna be tough.

Of course you CAN help it, you just don’t want to. This is all sexist bullsh*t. Get over yourself, prepare yourself to treat your daughter the same way you treat your son, or be prepared to have a sh*tty relationship with her and for her to doubt her own worth, agency and ability to take care of herself because of YOUR hang ups.

Girls are more of a target. Unfortunately, that's real life. I don't have to really worry about my DS getting raped by a drunk boy at a party. I do of course talk to my DS about "no means no", but he hasn't even hit puberty yet, so I don't have to worry about that just yet, though of course, it's on my radar.

Why would she doubt her own worth just because I am more cautious with her than her brother? DD also has a lot of anxiety and tends to panic in emergency situations. So yes, we will probably have to treat her a bit differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have B/G twins so I usually try and get my son to meet up with my daughter when it gets late. But my husband did just spend 90 minutes in an Applebees parking lot a few weeks ago when my daughter and 3 other 15/16 year olds went to have appetizers and milkshakes after a school play rehearsal at 9:30. She drives so she drove there and home. DH literally just stayed in the parking lot as a compromise because he wasn't allowed to go in and sit at the bar. "INSIDE IS NOT ALLOWED DAD, PLEASE GOD NO".

That's so cute and sweet - op.

[Anonymous]

One way or another, if one of your concerns is driving after the football game...you should probably be more concerned about your son than your daughter based on stats.

[Anonymous]

OP, you must start. Otherwise, you will send your daughter to college to 24/7 freedom without any experience of handling it.

[Anonymous]

My parents were extremely overprotective like this, and all it did was push me to rebel. Eventually they dropped all rules since I wasn’t going to follow them anyway. Funny thing was, once they did that, I lost interest in staying out all night.

Try to re-examine your beliefs and what it communicates to your daughter. The message that boys are exempt from the rules and can do what they want, and that females are responsible for males’ behavior, is something that will permeate all areas of her life, and sets her up to have dysfunctional interactions with men. Not only in regards to assault- this attitude will affect her relationships with male friends, coworkers, boyfriends, husband, etc.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine sending my DD the message that I distrust her so much I can’t give her the same privileges I gave her older brother. There’s really no way to justify that kind of sexism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine sending my DD the message that I distrust her so much I can’t give her the same privileges I gave her older brother. There’s really no way to justify that kind of sexism.

+1

This is awful, OP. Your DD should have the same privileges. What exactly are you afraid of? She will get kidnapped? Raped? Highly highly highly unlikely. Your son is more likely to have trouble.

[Anonymous]

It’s pretty normal for kids this age, pp- seriously, ice cream after a game- your kids will either want to start doing stuff like that soon, or I would worry about their social skills. I very night home with your parents is unusual.

OP- I think it’s reality that young women/girls face different dangers out and about than young men to a degree. I wouldn’t let that dictate what I allow d v what her brother can do but I would be very clear on why she needs to be a little extra cautious.

You g people can be fearless because they haven’t had anything bad happen ... my parents gave me more freedom than my peers as a teen but I had a lot of rules to follow. Checking in, curfews etc.

And jones the best thing my parents did was talk to me about staying in control- no drinking or getting in cars with other people were the big ones. I had.a car at 15.5 (the soonest I could get a permit) and having my own transportation was huge. I never had to be somewhere that had a bad vibe and I had to stay sober... kids have Uber now and I would give her and her brother full permission to call for an Uber or lyft any time they felt they should if they were out. Never let either kid regardless of gender feel like they have no options to get away from somewhere if needed.

And curfew + GPS app on kids phones are musta -

[Anonymous]

You live in the burbs and by definition most are very safe areas. so what's your concern? Really if you think your area is that dangerous than you really have bigger problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine sending my DD the message that I distrust her so much I can’t give her the same privileges I gave her older brother. There’s really no way to justify that kind of sexism.

+1

This is awful, OP. Your DD should have the same privileges. What exactly are you afraid of? She will get kidnapped? Raped? Highly highly highly unlikely. Your son is more likely to have trouble.

+2
I can’t believe trailing a 16yo to Applebee’s.