double standard for girls and boys..but I can't help it

[Anonymous]

This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

Most girls are victimized at home. Like op's dd is oppressed at home, because she is female. OP supports patriarchy and all that comes with it, such as propagating the idea that women are less than me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a senior boy and sophomore girl. Both great kids. And I understand the feeling that a girl is more of a target and the impulse to keep her safe, not matter what. But having different rules for different genders sends the message to your DD that you think the world is unsafe for her and she can’t manage herself. And like it or not, she will be going to college without you. She needs to know how to keep herself safe. And be confident that she can manage herself.

I work with DD a lot on situational awareness and have had her take a teen self defense class. She will be required to take a more in depth self defense class for women before college. But, I don’t want her to go to college having never gone to get ice cream in a group.

Now, when DH and I establish ground rules, we do so with an eye towards both kids, not just DS p, who uses the rules first. For example, none or very limited Uber alone/ without a friend. Never turn off the iPhone track function. I would probably give just the boy more freedom if he was an only or we only had boys, but it is important to me that both kids have the same rule. Ditto dating guidelines— they are the same for both kids. But if DS was an only or had a younger brother, the would probably be less restrictive.

It’s tough to navigate. But realize boys also have danger zones while they establish independence. Girls are more of a target. But boys are more likely to make dumb, dangerous decisions due to delayed prefrontal cortex development. Especially in a group.

You need rules that loosen over time if they make good decisions (earning freedom). You need to have the same rules for both kids, if possible. And of the rules aren’t the same, it should be based on the behavior of your specific kid and not just their gender. Saying no because your kid or her friends have made bad decisions is different than saying no just because she is a target. Rather than restricting her, teach her how to not be a target. In a group of friends who don’t get into trouble, with a safe driver, in a public area, in a safe suburb should be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since boys are not girls, it is not a "double standard".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

ITD. Boys are far more likely to get in fights, beat up or arrested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a senior boy and sophomore girl. Both great kids. And I understand the feeling that a girl is more of a target and the impulse to keep her safe, not matter what. But having different rules for different genders sends the message to your DD that you think the world is unsafe for her and she can’t manage herself. And like it or not, she will be going to college without you. She needs to know how to keep herself safe. And be confident that she can manage herself.

I work with DD a lot on situational awareness and have had her take a teen self defense class. She will be required to take a more in depth self defense class for women before college. But, I don’t want her to go to college having never gone to get ice cream in a group.

Now, when DH and I establish ground rules, we do so with an eye towards both kids, not just DS p, who uses the rules first. For example, none or very limited Uber alone/ without a friend. Never turn off the iPhone track function. I would probably give just the boy more freedom if he was an only or we only had boys, but it is important to me that both kids have the same rule. Ditto dating guidelines— they are the same for both kids. But if DS was an only or had a younger brother, the would probably be less restrictive.

It’s tough to navigate. But realize boys also have danger zones while they establish independence. Girls are more of a target. But boys are more likely to make dumb, dangerous decisions due to delayed prefrontal cortex development. Especially in a group.

You need rules that loosen over time if they make good decisions (earning freedom). You need to have the same rules for both kids, if possible. And of the rules aren’t the same, it should be based on the behavior of your specific kid and not just their gender. Saying no because your kid or her friends have made bad decisions is different than saying no just because she is a target. Rather than restricting her, teach her how to not be a target. In a group of friends who don’t get into trouble, with a safe driver, in a public area, in a safe suburb should be fine.

DP here. I will take your concepts further and say that individuals carry within themselves different risks. My son has severe ADHD, which poses a significant risk to his own safety. My daughter is very petite, which makes her more of an easy target. Every child has a different maturity level and physical attributes over which they have little control.

Instead of issuing idiotic blanket statements and unfair accusations like previous posters have done, let each parent worry about their own child and accept that others know their child well and make the right decisions for them.

It's a matter of respect. Respect other's decision-making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a senior boy and sophomore girl. Both great kids. And I understand the feeling that a girl is more of a target and the impulse to keep her safe, not matter what. But having different rules for different genders sends the message to your DD that you think the world is unsafe for her and she can’t manage herself. And like it or not, she will be going to college without you. She needs to know how to keep herself safe. And be confident that she can manage herself.

I work with DD a lot on situational awareness and have had her take a teen self defense class. She will be required to take a more in depth self defense class for women before college. But, I don’t want her to go to college having never gone to get ice cream in a group.

Now, when DH and I establish ground rules, we do so with an eye towards both kids, not just DS p, who uses the rules first. For example, none or very limited Uber alone/ without a friend. Never turn off the iPhone track function. I would probably give just the boy more freedom if he was an only or we only had boys, but it is important to me that both kids have the same rule. Ditto dating guidelines— they are the same for both kids. But if DS was an only or had a younger brother, the would probably be less restrictive.

It’s tough to navigate. But realize boys also have danger zones while they establish independence. Girls are more of a target. But boys are more likely to make dumb, dangerous decisions due to delayed prefrontal cortex development. Especially in a group.

You need rules that loosen over time if they make good decisions (earning freedom). You need to have the same rules for both kids, if possible. And of the rules aren’t the same, it should be based on the behavior of your specific kid and not just their gender. Saying no because your kid or her friends have made bad decisions is different than saying no just because she is a target. Rather than restricting her, teach her how to not be a target. In a group of friends who don’t get into trouble, with a safe driver, in a public area, in a safe suburb should be fine.

DP here. I will take your concepts further and say that individuals carry within themselves different risks. My son has severe ADHD, which poses a significant risk to his own safety. My daughter is very petite, which makes her more of an easy target. Every child has a different maturity level and physical attributes over which they have little control.

Instead of issuing idiotic blanket statements and unfair accusations like previous posters have done, let each parent worry about their own child and accept that others know their child well and make the right decisions for them.

It's a matter of respect. Respect other's decision-making.

This drives me nuts. Because someone is short they can't have the same privileges as someone who is tall? I understand someone who may be impulsive or have special needs, but a girl who is short?

That's BS.

I'm short. Thank god my mother didn't say, oh, you're short, it's dangerous for you to get ice cream after the game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DP here. I will take your concepts further and say that individuals carry within themselves different risks. My son has severe ADHD, which poses a significant risk to his own safety. My daughter is very petite, which makes her more of an easy target. Every child has a different maturity level and physical attributes over which they have little control.

Instead of issuing idiotic blanket statements and unfair accusations like previous posters have done, let each parent worry about their own child and accept that others know their child well and make the right decisions for them.

It's a matter of respect. Respect other's decision-making.

OP here.. yes, this part of it. DD is very petite, has a lot of anxiety, and generally does not react well in emergency situations. She tends to panic and freeze up.

DS has always been much more aware and focused.

It's a bit like leaving your child home alone. When DS was 9, I had no problem leaving him at home for an hour because he is more mature. At 11, I still feel uncomfortable leaving DD at home alone for an hour because of her tendencies to panic and freeze up during an emergency situation. She has a lot more fears than DS ever did. She's in therapy for her anxieties and other issues.

And I certainly am not sexist. I'm actually quite a feminist, but different children need to be parented differently because they are all different.

My sister faced the same situation, and she has two daughters. One daughter is street smart and tough, and my sister never really worries about her being out. The other one is a lot more fearful and has anxieties, and my sister worries about her more.

My mother is the same way with me and my sisters. My mother said to me that she never worries about me (as an adult) because she knows I can handle myself, whereas one of my sisters is not as capable. It's not like she tried to parent us differently, but that my sister and I are very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DP here. I will take your concepts further and say that individuals carry within themselves different risks. My son has severe ADHD, which poses a significant risk to his own safety. My daughter is very petite, which makes her more of an easy target. Every child has a different maturity level and physical attributes over which they have little control.

Instead of issuing idiotic blanket statements and unfair accusations like previous posters have done, let each parent worry about their own child and accept that others know their child well and make the right decisions for them.

It's a matter of respect. Respect other's decision-making.

OP here.. yes, this part of it. DD is very petite, has a lot of anxiety, and generally does not react well in emergency situations. She tends to panic and freeze up.

DS has always been much more aware and focused.

It's a bit like leaving your child home alone. When DS was 9, I had no problem leaving him at home for an hour because he is more mature. At 11, I still feel uncomfortable leaving DD at home alone for an hour because of her tendencies to panic and freeze up during an emergency situation. She has a lot more fears than DS ever did. She's in therapy for her anxieties and other issues.

And I certainly am not sexist. I'm actually quite a feminist, but different children need to be parented differently because they are all different.

My sister faced the same situation, and she has two daughters. One daughter is street smart and tough, and my sister never really worries about her being out. The other one is a lot more fearful and has anxieties, and my sister worries about her more.

My mother is the same way with me and my sisters. My mother said to me that she never worries about me (as an adult) because she knows I can handle myself, whereas one of my sisters is not as capable. It's not like she tried to parent us differently, but that my sister and I are very different.

what situations are you putting your DD in to help build her confidence and comfort level?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DP here. I will take your concepts further and say that individuals carry within themselves different risks. My son has severe ADHD, which poses a significant risk to his own safety. My daughter is very petite, which makes her more of an easy target. Every child has a different maturity level and physical attributes over which they have little control.

Instead of issuing idiotic blanket statements and unfair accusations like previous posters have done, let each parent worry about their own child and accept that others know their child well and make the right decisions for them.

It's a matter of respect. Respect other's decision-making.

OP here.. yes, this part of it. DD is very petite, has a lot of anxiety, and generally does not react well in emergency situations. She tends to panic and freeze up.

DS has always been much more aware and focused.

It's a bit like leaving your child home alone. When DS was 9, I had no problem leaving him at home for an hour because he is more mature. At 11, I still feel uncomfortable leaving DD at home alone for an hour because of her tendencies to panic and freeze up during an emergency situation. She has a lot more fears than DS ever did. She's in therapy for her anxieties and other issues.

And I certainly am not sexist. I'm actually quite a feminist, but different children need to be parented differently because they are all different.

My sister faced the same situation, and she has two daughters. One daughter is street smart and tough, and my sister never really worries about her being out. The other one is a lot more fearful and has anxieties, and my sister worries about her more.

My mother is the same way with me and my sisters. My mother said to me that she never worries about me (as an adult) because she knows I can handle myself, whereas one of my sisters is not as capable. It's not like she tried to parent us differently, but that my sister and I are very different.

How will your dd ever gain some confidence with a mother like you? It is clear that you are highly anxious person yourself and she is picking up on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about getting ice cream after a football game. It's about treating boys and girls differently....at night. There are a lot more situations where girls can be victimized. There are some boys out there that do not respect boundaries. I understand where OP is coming from as a father of two DD's. The consequences of a negative experience is far greater as a girl than for boys, not in all cases but in general.

ITD. Boys are far more likely to get in fights, beat up or arrested.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DP here. I will take your concepts further and say that individuals carry within themselves different risks. My son has severe ADHD, which poses a significant risk to his own safety. My daughter is very petite, which makes her more of an easy target. Every child has a different maturity level and physical attributes over which they have little control.

Instead of issuing idiotic blanket statements and unfair accusations like previous posters have done, let each parent worry about their own child and accept that others know their child well and make the right decisions for them.

It's a matter of respect. Respect other's decision-making.

OP here.. yes, this part of it. DD is very petite, has a lot of anxiety, and generally does not react well in emergency situations. She tends to panic and freeze up.

DS has always been much more aware and focused.

It's a bit like leaving your child home alone. When DS was 9, I had no problem leaving him at home for an hour because he is more mature. At 11, I still feel uncomfortable leaving DD at home alone for an hour because of her tendencies to panic and freeze up during an emergency situation. She has a lot more fears than DS ever did. She's in therapy for her anxieties and other issues.

And I certainly am not sexist. I'm actually quite a feminist, but different children need to be parented differently because they are all different.

My sister faced the same situation, and she has two daughters. One daughter is street smart and tough, and my sister never really worries about her being out. The other one is a lot more fearful and has anxieties, and my sister worries about her more.

My mother is the same way with me and my sisters. My mother said to me that she never worries about me (as an adult) because she knows I can handle myself, whereas one of my sisters is not as capable. It's not like she tried to parent us differently, but that my sister and I are very different.

So rather than overprotecting your DD, you need to be treating the anxiety (therapist, psychiatrist, medication, meditation, mindfulness, etc) and actively working with her on ways to increase her self-confidence and make her more comfortable with decision making. What you are doing now is sending the message that you don’t have confidence in her. Which is going to make the situation worse.

Deal with the anxiety and lack of self confidence and freezing up now. Or in a few years, you are going to have a failure to launch issue.

Also, freezing up on decision making and anxiety can be signs of ADHD in girls. ADHD presents very differently in girls and boys. My DD freezes up like this when I medicated, and does not have these issues when taking Concerta. It could just be anxiety. But keep that in the back of your mind.

And, if her anxiety is bad enough that she can’t socialize, stay home alone, etc. in an appropriate way for her age, please treat it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have B/G twins so I usually try and get my son to meet up with my daughter when it gets late. But my husband did just spend 90 minutes in an Applebees parking lot a few weeks ago when my daughter and 3 other 15/16 year olds went to have appetizers and milkshakes after a school play rehearsal at 9:30. She drives so she drove there and home. DH literally just stayed in the parking lot as a compromise because he wasn't allowed to go in and sit at the bar. "INSIDE IS NOT ALLOWED DAD, PLEASE GOD NO".

That's so cute and sweet - op.

That’s not cute or sweet. It’s overprotective and shows that you don’t trust DD to handle basic life skills, like walking through a parking lot. It’s sexist, disgusting and sad. I’m surprised your girls don’t have extreme anxiety after receiving the message that they’re not as capable as their brothers from their parents. I wonder if you parents realize that you’re setting the stage for your DDs to have relationships with men who are sexist and won’t treat them as partners because you’re teaching your girls they’re not equal.

A lot of 16 year old girls are working jobs at Applebees type of places and getting off late. The 16 year old girls are making their own car payments from
the job they are working. The above post is pretty unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

My mother was like you. She let my brothers pretty much do what they wanted, despite the fact that they were wild and drank as teenagers and drove under the influence. They did some bad things (think destruction of property) though by some luck never got into a car accident. Meanwhile my sister and I were extremely cautious and well behaved and never would have driven under the influence, never would have considered any of the lawless acts my brothers did. But my mother wouldn't give us the same freedom, which made us a bit of social outcasts among our peers because we often couldn't join in the fun of parties, etc. I really resented that and her obvious double standard, which wasn't even based in reality, drove a wedge between us.

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend's family in high school came from a country
in which girls were extremely over protected compared
to boys.

My girlfriend ended up just sneaking out.

She partied heavy.

Got pregnant and then got abortion without parents knowing.