Angry Wife & Emotionless Husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to go to counseling right away. This is definitely your problem. People do not deserve to be screamed at because they stayed calm. People do not deserve to be screamed at full stop.

The police came. Because of you. And you still think your husband is the problem? Your husband is not the problem. You need to get yourself some help ASAP.

This. Good lord yes. Your husband speaks to you calmly and you scream at him? YOU are the problem. The sooner you acknowledge this and deal with you being the problem, the better for everyone.

+1 I could see being annoyed by the trash thing, but OP you escalated to the point of insanity. Once you're screaming in his face, what do you honestly want him to do? Scream back? Fight you physically? One of you has to stay calm, FFS. I feel sorry for your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to go to counseling right away. This is definitely your problem. People do not deserve to be screamed at because they stayed calm. People do not deserve to be screamed at full stop.

The police came. Because of you. And you still think your husband is the problem? Your husband is not the problem. You need to get yourself some help ASAP.

+100

My DH would NEVER respond to me if I screamed. Nor would I respond to him. Screaming/yelling shows you're no longer in control of your emotions. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your emotionless husband does not hear you when you ask nicely, does respond when you ask pointedly, and does. Or respond once he pisses you off and you are yelling the same thing.

This is a manipulative game to him; please see a therapist to find a way to counter his game and decide if you want to stay with a man who is emotionally unsupportive, unresponsive and has no communication/conflict resolution skills.

Someone like that is very frustrating to live with day in and day out.

Seems odd to accuse him of not having conflict resolution skills given the DW's massive anger management problems.

[Anonymous]

I work in a place where managers routinely ignored your questions or comments. They are passively training you to do one of three things: drop your question, ask your question louder, or leave the company.

Most people leave the firm. It’s not healthy being in a place that won’t engage with you or listen or respond. And you should t have to yell to be heard or get a response or get backed into a corner.

[Anonymous]

OP back. Thank you.

I agree with all of these comments. I am going to take an online anger management course that I found and see if it makes a difference.

To be clear, my kids were not there. I had dropped them off at school and come back to find all the stuff in the trash. My husband had no problem with the cops showing up. I am more upset about it.

I think my husband is part of the problem. For instance, after this happened, we agreed to come up with a list of ways to make communication better. I spent the day doing research and printed out a list of ideas, such as taking an anger management course. Then, when we were home and spoke and agreed to talk about it in the living room, I went in and waited for him for 5 minutes, confused, and then I went to look for him again and found him in the kitchen doing some sort of home improvement project. Again, I lost it, but again, his reaction was that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He "just" got distracted and forgot, and what does it matter when he goes to the living room. When he finally arrived, I took out my list and showed it to him, and he was fine with the ideas, but when I asked him for his, he had done nothing all day, but what does it matter, because he agrees with my ideas. It is like being married to a wall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Thank you.

I agree with all of these comments. I am going to take an online anger management course that I found and see if it makes a difference.

To be clear, my kids were not there. I had dropped them off at school and come back to find all the stuff in the trash. My husband had no problem with the cops showing up. I am more upset about it.

I think my husband is part of the problem. For instance, after this happened, we agreed to come up with a list of ways to make communication better. I spent the day doing research and printed out a list of ideas, such as taking an anger management course. Then, when we were home and spoke and agreed to talk about it in the living room, I went in and waited for him for 5 minutes, confused, and then I went to look for him again and found him in the kitchen doing some sort of home improvement project. Again, I lost it, but again, his reaction was that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He "just" got distracted and forgot, and what does it matter when he goes to the living room. When he finally arrived, I took out my list and showed it to him, and he was fine with the ideas, but when I asked him for his, he had done nothing all day, but what does it matter, because he agrees with my ideas. It is like being married to a wall.

You need to do more than an online course. You let his lack of emotion get to you and while he may need to find a better way to express himself, you need to find methods the communicate to him during the times he doesnt always react the way you want.

You may also want to stop putting all this on him and focus on your end of things. While you realize you are in the wrong, you are really trying to bring it back to him in an attempt to be "fair". Accept what you are doing wrong and stop looking for his wrongs to counter, or justify why what you do makes sense.

[Anonymous]

While he might be doing some things wrong the things you are doing wrong are grossly disproportionate to what he is doing. His wrongs are like a 3 and yours are like a 9. The things you are doing wrong are so massively worse than the things he is doing wrong you need to make substantial progress on your end before bringing him into it.

[Anonymous]

You need anger management, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Thank you.

I agree with all of these comments. I am going to take an online anger management course that I found and see if it makes a difference.

To be clear, my kids were not there. I had dropped them off at school and come back to find all the stuff in the trash. My husband had no problem with the cops showing up. I am more upset about it.

I think my husband is part of the problem. For instance, after this happened, we agreed to come up with a list of ways to make communication better. I spent the day doing research and printed out a list of ideas, such as taking an anger management course. Then, when we were home and spoke and agreed to talk about it in the living room, I went in and waited for him for 5 minutes, confused, and then I went to look for him again and found him in the kitchen doing some sort of home improvement project. Again, I lost it, but again, his reaction was that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He "just" got distracted and forgot, and what does it matter when he goes to the living room. When he finally arrived, I took out my list and showed it to him, and he was fine with the ideas, but when I asked him for his, he had done nothing all day, but what does it matter, because he agrees with my ideas. It is like being married to a wall.

OP I think you might be a sociopath. You recently screamed at your husband so much that the police were called. He's probably avoiding you. I would avoid you. I would also not make a list of things to change because I would not be the one with the problem. YOU are the one with the problem. It is nice that you made a list. It is nice that he is supporting your efforts. You are the problem and I'm sure it will take a while for you to repair your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Thank you.

I agree with all of these comments. I am going to take an online anger management course that I found and see if it makes a difference.

To be clear, my kids were not there. I had dropped them off at school and come back to find all the stuff in the trash. My husband had no problem with the cops showing up. I am more upset about it.

I think my husband is part of the problem. For instance, after this happened, we agreed to come up with a list of ways to make communication better. I spent the day doing research and printed out a list of ideas, such as taking an anger management course. Then, when we were home and spoke and agreed to talk about it in the living room, I went in and waited for him for 5 minutes, confused, and then I went to look for him again and found him in the kitchen doing some sort of home improvement project. Again, I lost it, but again, his reaction was that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He "just" got distracted and forgot, and what does it matter when he goes to the living room. When he finally arrived, I took out my list and showed it to him, and he was fine with the ideas, but when I asked him for his, he had done nothing all day, but what does it matter, because he agrees with my ideas. It is like being married to a wall.

OP I think you might be a sociopath. You recently screamed at your husband so much that the police were called. He's probably avoiding you. I would avoid you. I would also not make a list of things to change because I would not be the one with the problem. YOU are the one with the problem. It is nice that you made a list. It is nice that he is supporting your efforts. You are the problem and I'm sure it will take a while for you to repair your relationship.

Maybe, maybe not. I'll bet plenty of people have at some point in their lives lost it to the point where police COULD have been called by an alarmed neighbor (depends also on the neighbor's threshold) but weren't. I think it is ALSO true that in some relationships one party has the ability (consciously or not) to passively push things to the point where screaming is the ONLY thing the other person is able to find gets an issue addressed. And likely there are other issues, and likely there are flaws on both sides.

Mainly, though, screaming is a horrible "solution" and is not really going to make you feel better about things.

A sociopath (I looked it up)--lacks empathy, sense of responsibility, moral conscience. It is not just someone who has a problem with anger (whether or not that problem with anger arises IN THE CONTEXT of a specific relationship).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Thank you.

I agree with all of these comments. I am going to take an online anger management course that I found and see if it makes a difference.

To be clear, my kids were not there. I had dropped them off at school and come back to find all the stuff in the trash. My husband had no problem with the cops showing up. I am more upset about it.

I think my husband is part of the problem. For instance, after this happened, we agreed to come up with a list of ways to make communication better. I spent the day doing research and printed out a list of ideas, such as taking an anger management course. Then, when we were home and spoke and agreed to talk about it in the living room, I went in and waited for him for 5 minutes, confused, and then I went to look for him again and found him in the kitchen doing some sort of home improvement project. Again, I lost it, but again, his reaction was that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He "just" got distracted and forgot, and what does it matter when he goes to the living room. When he finally arrived, I took out my list and showed it to him, and he was fine with the ideas, but when I asked him for his, he had done nothing all day, but what does it matter, because he agrees with my ideas. It is like being married to a wall.

OP I think you might be a sociopath. You recently screamed at your husband so much that the police were called. He's probably avoiding you. I would avoid you. I would also not make a list of things to change because I would not be the one with the problem. YOU are the one with the problem. It is nice that you made a list. It is nice that he is supporting your efforts. You are the problem and I'm sure it will take a while for you to repair your relationship.

Maybe, maybe not. I'll bet plenty of people have at some point in their lives lost it to the point where police COULD have been called by an alarmed neighbor (depends also on the neighbor's threshold) but weren't. I think it is ALSO true that in some relationships one party has the ability (consciously or not) to passively push things to the point where screaming is the ONLY thing the other person is able to find gets an issue addressed. And likely there are other issues, and likely there are flaws on both sides.

Mainly, though, screaming is a horrible "solution" and is not really going to make you feel better about things.

A sociopath (I looked it up)--lacks empathy, sense of responsibility, moral conscience. It is not just someone who has a problem with anger (whether or not that problem with anger arises IN THE CONTEXT of a specific relationship).

OP. Yes I agree. I need a better solution to screaming. Retail therapy would work but I am a frugal minimalist so that is not an option. Eating would work but I am a healthy, conscious eater so that is not an option. I would like more family or relax time but I'm the main breadwinner. Walking away is not an option because he follows me.

[Anonymous]

You're full of excuses. Sounds like your husband doesn't really like you anymore (and I don't blame him).

[Anonymous]

Couples counseling. Though it seems your husband has checked out of the marriage. And I can understand that. You seem very difficult to be married to.

[Anonymous]

Op, have you ever apologized without using "but"? You know, "I'm sorry but if you hadn't done X I wouldn't be upset. ". "I'm sorry but you XYZ". You strike me as a person who will admit they aren't perfect but will justify it by saying the other person drives you to not be perfect. You need to accept your faults without blaming your husband for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Thank you.

I agree with all of these comments. I am going to take an online anger management course that I found and see if it makes a difference.

To be clear, my kids were not there. I had dropped them off at school and come back to find all the stuff in the trash. My husband had no problem with the cops showing up. I am more upset about it.

I think my husband is part of the problem. For instance, after this happened, we agreed to come up with a list of ways to make communication better. I spent the day doing research and printed out a list of ideas, such as taking an anger management course. Then, when we were home and spoke and agreed to talk about it in the living room, I went in and waited for him for 5 minutes, confused, and then I went to look for him again and found him in the kitchen doing some sort of home improvement project. Again, I lost it, but again, his reaction was that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He "just" got distracted and forgot, and what does it matter when he goes to the living room. When he finally arrived, I took out my list and showed it to him, and he was fine with the ideas, but when I asked him for his, he had done nothing all day, but what does it matter, because he agrees with my ideas. It is like being married to a wall.

OP I think you might be a sociopath. You recently screamed at your husband so much that the police were called. He's probably avoiding you. I would avoid you. I would also not make a list of things to change because I would not be the one with the problem. YOU are the one with the problem. It is nice that you made a list. It is nice that he is supporting your efforts. You are the problem and I'm sure it will take a while for you to repair your relationship.

Maybe, maybe not. I'll bet plenty of people have at some point in their lives lost it to the point where police COULD have been called by an alarmed neighbor (depends also on the neighbor's threshold) but weren't. I think it is ALSO true that in some relationships one party has the ability (consciously or not) to passively push things to the point where screaming is the ONLY thing the other person is able to find gets an issue addressed. And likely there are other issues, and likely there are flaws on both sides.

Mainly, though, screaming is a horrible "solution" and is not really going to make you feel better about things.

A sociopath (I looked it up)--lacks empathy, sense of responsibility, moral conscience. It is not just someone who has a problem with anger (whether or not that problem with anger arises IN THE CONTEXT of a specific relationship).

OP. Yes I agree. I need a better solution to screaming. Retail therapy would work but I am a frugal minimalist so that is not an option. Eating would work but I am a healthy, conscious eater so that is not an option. I would like more family or relax time but I'm the main breadwinner. Walking away is not an option because he follows me.

What do you mean by this? From your posts, it sounds like he walks away and you follow.

My guess is that he does this to you because it works so well. Stop letting it work. Change yourself but don't try to "improve your communication" or anything like that until you feel like you are more in control of your reactions and have done some soul searching and/or therapy to really dig into this.

My experience with people like your dh is that they HATE it when this game is played on them. You could turn this around and have him looking like the one in need of anger management. But I think your time is better spent working on yourself (and your finances and whatever else you need to do to plan for a possible divorce).