Angry Wife & Emotionless Husband

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he never wants to talk so makes efforts to either make Op shut up and leave him alone all the time or he starts an argument/winds her up.

She needs a therapist to get methods to (a) stop allowing heralded to get wound up and (b) find out wtf is DH’a real issue or disorder.

[Anonymous]

This thread is batshit. There's no way a man who posted about screaming at his wife so much his neighbors called the cops would be getting "well she must really be manipulative to force you to be so abusive" responses. Seriously, stop it, all of you. OP, get some professional help and stop fixating on your DH's perceived shortcomings. You are the problem here.

-militant feminist baffled by this BS

[Anonymous]

You mentioned that these events happen about 1x/month.

Could this stuff possibly be related to your menses?
If so, find a good medication to take for around “that” time of month.

Yes!
I am 100% serious!
If not that, then you both sound like perfect candidates for marriage counseling.
And maybe also some individual therapy for you as well.

It doesn’t seem like you need any Anger Management courses.
Just some better communication techniques on trying to deal w/challenging situations.

But your husband sounds like part of the problem too.
He needs to take a step back himself + analyze his own negative behavior.

Good luck to you both. - -
Pulling for you two!

[Anonymous]

Everyone had one of those friends as a kid who walked around on eggshells for fearing of setting off either mom or dad. OP's husband sounds like a real dink, but that's clearly what he's doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Thank you.

I agree with all of these comments. I am going to take an online anger management course that I found and see if it makes a difference.

To be clear, my kids were not there. I had dropped them off at school and come back to find all the stuff in the trash. My husband had no problem with the cops showing up. I am more upset about it.

I think my husband is part of the problem. For instance, after this happened, we agreed to come up with a list of ways to make communication better. I spent the day doing research and printed out a list of ideas, such as taking an anger management course. Then, when we were home and spoke and agreed to talk about it in the living room, I went in and waited for him for 5 minutes, confused, and then I went to look for him again and found him in the kitchen doing some sort of home improvement project. Again, I lost it, but again, his reaction was that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He "just" got distracted and forgot, and what does it matter when he goes to the living room. When he finally arrived, I took out my list and showed it to him, and he was fine with the ideas, but when I asked him for his, he had done nothing all day, but what does it matter, because he agrees with my ideas. It is like being married to a wall.

OP, it sounds like he has Aspergers and some narcissism. Does he often make you feel like you’re crazy? He never asks you what your opinion is, right? Does he “create” problems out of nothing that make you look crazy (gaslighting)? Is he perfect with everyone outside of your household but different behind closed doors? Does he appear to enjoy getting a rise out of you? Does he largely have no idea about anything in your life? Is he disinterested in things you’re involved with or doing? Does he seem like he operates with zero empathy (like a computer)? If you’re answering YES to these things, something is very wrong.

It’s highly likely he has a personality disorder and it’s making you go crazy. My advice is to seek counseling for yourself from someone who specializes in Aspergers and Narcissism. It is vitally important that they specialize in these areas or they’ll do more damage than good (I speak from experience). You need a strategy of how to interact with him or you’re going to turn into a different person (I think that’s happening now and why you’ve reached out).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Thank you.

I agree with all of these comments. I am going to take an online anger management course that I found and see if it makes a difference.

To be clear, my kids were not there. I had dropped them off at school and come back to find all the stuff in the trash. My husband had no problem with the cops showing up. I am more upset about it.

I think my husband is part of the problem. For instance, after this happened, we agreed to come up with a list of ways to make communication better. I spent the day doing research and printed out a list of ideas, such as taking an anger management course. Then, when we were home and spoke and agreed to talk about it in the living room, I went in and waited for him for 5 minutes, confused, and then I went to look for him again and found him in the kitchen doing some sort of home improvement project. Again, I lost it, but again, his reaction was that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He "just" got distracted and forgot, and what does it matter when he goes to the living room. When he finally arrived, I took out my list and showed it to him, and he was fine with the ideas, but when I asked him for his, he had done nothing all day, but what does it matter, because he agrees with my ideas. It is like being married to a wall.

I would divorce. You were wrong to yell but he is doing things to deliberately irritate you and annoy you. He is playing games. My guess is that you will leave and your anger management problems will fade away.

Your marriage is not good for your health or mental stability.

[Anonymous]

OP is an English-is-my-second-language troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is batshit. There's no way a man who posted about screaming at his wife so much his neighbors called the cops would be getting "well she must really be manipulative to force you to be so abusive" responses. Seriously, stop it, all of you. OP, get some professional help and stop fixating on your DH's perceived shortcomings. You are the problem here.

-militant feminist baffled by this BS

Relationships aren't black and white. I think throughout this thread most posters have told the OP that her yelling is out of control and she does need to work on her emotional response.

However reading what the OP is writing about her husband sounds off. If he doesn't want to talk then he should tell her "I don't feel like talking, I just want to relax". Instead he is telling her that he is going to put together a list and meet her in the living room but then he goes off and does nothing. That isn't normal behaviour. That doesn't excuse her behaviour.

It sounds like he is playing games, pushing her buttons and she has no emotional control and loses her temper. They don't sound healthy together, they don't sound good for each other.

[Anonymous]

Op, if you tell and scream with every encounter, he will disengage or leave

You have to use calm I language vto express your needs. Either he responds or he doesn't but if you are volatile .it's no wonder he's shit down.

My spouse is extremely defensive, angry and goes off on minor things. My survival mechanism (since fighting never solves things and it freaks me out) is to go numb. I know this exacerbates things at times because spouse wants a fight, but I cannot engage unless things are less volatile. I'm not doing it to piss them off but to diffuse the situation. Ultimately though I will leave if we can't find a normal, calm way to discuss our differences, feelings, etc. No one deserves verbal abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if you tell and scream with every encounter, he will disengage or leave

You have to use calm I language vto express your needs. Either he responds or he doesn't but if you are volatile .it's no wonder he's shit down.

My spouse is extremely defensive, angry and goes off on minor things. My survival mechanism (since fighting never solves things and it freaks me out) is to go numb. I know this exacerbates things at times because spouse wants a fight, but I cannot engage unless things are less volatile. I'm not doing it to piss them off but to diffuse the situation. Ultimately though I will leave if we can't find a normal, calm way to discuss our differences, feelings, etc. No one deserves verbal abuse.

Does anything get resolved soon after? Or just left unresolved for days or weeks or left for the responsibly person to do?

[Anonymous]

TL;DR -- neighbors call cops on abusive wife, harpies blame abused husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone had one of those friends as a kid who walked around on eggshells for fearing of setting off either mom or dad. OP's husband sounds like a real dink, but that's clearly what he's doing.

I've been that walking around on eggshells spouse. It is no way to live.

[Anonymous]

He is neuro-atypical so figure out how to cope first, then decide if you want to do that for years and years with a defective spouse. Getting angry at defective people is a waste of time and not really therapeutic.
Unf his parents never got him the mental health help he needed to function well in the real world. Anyone who has spent a lot of time with him would agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Thank you.

I agree with all of these comments. I am going to take an online anger management course that I found and see if it makes a difference.

To be clear, my kids were not there. I had dropped them off at school and come back to find all the stuff in the trash. My husband had no problem with the cops showing up. I am more upset about it.

I think my husband is part of the problem. For instance, after this happened, we agreed to come up with a list of ways to make communication better. I spent the day doing research and printed out a list of ideas, such as taking an anger management course. Then, when we were home and spoke and agreed to talk about it in the living room, I went in and waited for him for 5 minutes, confused, and then I went to look for him again and found him in the kitchen doing some sort of home improvement project. Again, I lost it, but again, his reaction was that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He "just" got distracted and forgot, and what does it matter when he goes to the living room. When he finally arrived, I took out my list and showed it to him, and he was fine with the ideas, but when I asked him for his, he had done nothing all day, but what does it matter, because he agrees with my ideas. It is like being married to a wall.

OP, it sounds like he has Aspergers and some narcissism. Does he often make you feel like you’re crazy? He never asks you what your opinion is, right? Does he “create” problems out of nothing that make you look crazy (gaslighting)? Is he perfect with everyone outside of your household but different behind closed doors? Does he appear to enjoy getting a rise out of you? Does he largely have no idea about anything in your life? Is he disinterested in things you’re involved with or doing? Does he seem like he operates with zero empathy (like a computer)? If you’re answering YES to these things, something is very wrong.

It’s highly likely he has a personality disorder and it’s making you go crazy. My advice is to seek counseling for yourself from someone who specializes in Aspergers and Narcissism. It is vitally important that they specialize in these areas or they’ll do more damage than good (I speak from experience). You need a strategy of how to interact with him or you’re going to turn into a different person (I think that’s happening now and why you’ve reached out).

OP back. Yes, he makes me feel like I am crazy. But, he does this with everyone. Our kids want nothing to do with him. Even when it was 100% my fault that the police came because I was the one yelling (in case they heard from the neighbors) they were mad at him and hugged me. He never smiles, never engages them, never remembers anything he asks them to do. My sister cannot stand my husband even though he has never done anything to her, she calls him a "wimp." He never calls back his parents when they leave him messages even when they threaten to call the police to make sure he is okay. He does not have any friends because he bails on them when they ask him out, even when he said he will go, and "forgets" to call them back for months. And he never feels sorry or understands the big deal of what is happening. The only thing he takes seriously is his job with a NGO doing international humanitarian work which is his entire life and everything else compared to it is "nothing" and he constantly reminds everyone of this in his calm monotone way.

As I said, I agree that the reaction that I had was 100% my fault. I agree that I need anger management. I agree that I need to disengage from this situation because it "goes in one ear and out the other."

I still do not agree that my husband does not have serious issues but I understand that it is not clear from my post that there is something wrong with my husband. There is something wrong with this man. If it's not aspergers, and its not narcissim, and its not depression, maybe he has dementia? Something is wrong with him. And to be clear, I tried to walk away and leave multiple times two days ago, and yes, he followed me, and continued to say things that made me more upset, like "Why are you upset? I accomplished what you wanted accomplished." It was maddening. It is like he is trying to drive me to a mental hospital, but let us assume that he is not trying to do that since he treats everyone like this awful way.

For the one poster who criticized my language skills -- English is my first language and I do not speak any other languages and I am a high-paid professional. If my posts come across like I do not speak English, oh well.

[Anonymous]

OP it doesn't sounds like your husband is doing this deliberately. He clearly has some kind of issue, I agree with you, but you won't be able to diagnose him. He needs to see a therapist (and you need one as well) if he is truly interested in improving your communication. If he won't see a therapist, that is the real issue you ave to deal with. You can't change his personality, but you have total control over how much of it you and your kids are exposed to.

But yeah, stop flying off the handle the minute things don't go as you wish. No one wants to deal with that person.