Angry Wife & Emotionless Husband
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My DH is a calm person, but he makes me angry. I don't know what to do because I have a problem, but only with him. I never get angry at my co-workers, friends, or children.
Today I had separated all these clothes and toys to give away. My husband threw them in the trash. I was angry. And, he didn't tell me. I happened to come home and see them in the trash. In his eyes, I was going to get rid of them, so what does it matter how he got rid of them? But that makes me angrier. Then he said that I make everything into a big deal and that made me even angrier. And then he started telling me that it was fine and that he'd take it out of the trash, but in a calm emotionless voice. That made me angrier. I was yelling on our front porch so loud that my neighbor called the police. There was a male and female officer and they separated us. The female police officer was nice and sympathized with me and said she used to be like me, too, but now she stays calm and says "you should have communicated with me" calmly. She understood how him not engaging made it worse, but said that I'm the problem and need to go for anger management. Part of me feels like she is right and I should get help. But, part of me feels like she doesn't know my husband. He does this on purpose, or he doesn't understand the difference between giving away something and trashing it. Does anyone else have an emotionless husband? Could this be Asperger's? How do you handle? Does counseling help with Asperger's? We've been to it before and I felt like we didn't make progress but I am willing to try it again. Should I go to anger management? What is that? We have a good relationship, but I would say that these fights happen once a month. Sometimes they are more upsetting than others. This was the first time that the police were called, but we never fight outside. When things like this happened before, I assumed that my husband made a mistake and confused it with trash and took it out or let it go and never said anything to him. Now, that I do say something to him, I know that he is doing it purposefully. I love him but I am afraid he is going to send me to the mental hospital. I need help. |
Anonymous
| Get help. |
Anonymous
| This wasn't about trash. It is about him not appreciating the effort and thoughtfulness you already put in. The fact that he would not engage made the thoughtlessness stand out even more. Feelings matter more than facts. Your husband didn't understand this. |
Anonymous
|
You said you found out he does this on purpose, which if true would mean he is baiting you, engaging in a form of projection (now called gaslighting I suppose--where one person uses manipulation to trigger a reaction in the other person so they can blam ethem).
Are these fights over the same issue or different issues? Is there an ongoing disagreement about clutter? When you sort stuff, is it clear which is donation vs. trash? Ca you predict what situations will result in conflict? If so, presumably you can head them off. If he's purposefully trying to spite you I wouldn't call it Aspergers. If it is what you call emotionless (garbage, good will, what's the diff if the crap is gone?) that's not necessarily ASD, could just be concrete thinking (and seems to be it's either lack of emotion/empathy OR baiting, not both). I wouldn't necessarily jump to anger management classes, although having the cops called is certainly unnerving! I'd look at deconstructing the situations that have occurred, talking with DH about the whole cop thing (how is HE taking the incident?), work on ways to calm yourself, etc. It's interesting that you are pointing to him as the cause of the problem--but it being him and not other people may just be the thing where intimacy breeds fewer restraints or there is this mutual pattern that has developed. |
Anonymous
|
OP you need to go to counseling right away. This is definitely your problem. People do not deserve to be screamed at because they stayed calm. People do not deserve to be screamed at full stop.
The police came. Because of you. And you still think your husband is the problem? Your husband is not the problem. You need to get yourself some help ASAP. |
Anonymous
| He sounds difficult to live with. BUT you're the one screaming loud enough to get the cops involved. You're the one doing this in front of your children. Get a therapist. Go see a marriage counselor. It may be you guys have issues that can't be worked through. |
Anonymous
|
The neighbor called the cops because you were yelling so loud. A police officer told you that you’re the problem and you need anger management. Yet you still want to blame your DH for your actions. You’re abusive. Get some help before your kids learn this dynamic and expect their partners to either be abusive or accept their abuse.
Also, have you ever considered that he’s unemotional because he’s trying to avoid your wrath? He’s probably trying to fly under the radar so you won’t flip out and have to have the cops come get you under control again. |
Anonymous
| I’m the angry wife in my marriage. DH is a calm patient person. It would never escalate to cops being called. DH annoys the crap out of me and I do often lose it. It is more I wish we could just get divorced than yelling. |
Anonymous
| Disengage and walk away. |
Anonymous
| Cops = get professional help OR divorce. |
Anonymous
So get divorced. Do you honestly think divorce will be more damaging to your kids than growing up on a house where mom is the angry person? |
Anonymous
This is his disrespect for you and his passive aggressiveness. There is an underlying issue at home or at work, etc that he is angry about, and this is how he chooses to express it. And yes, he may be incapable of emotional support or empathy, or even decent verbal communication. |
Anonymous
| He likes to push your buttons and escalate problems by being non responsive. This will only get worse once you stop acting out his anger he is incapable of. |
Anonymous
This. Good lord yes. Your husband speaks to you calmly and you scream at him? YOU are the problem. The sooner you acknowledge this and deal with you being the problem, the better for everyone. |
Anonymous
| Nothing is more satisfying than destabilizing my wife and making her livid. It is a great game I like to play, let's me know I'm in control. |