Angry Wife & Emotionless Husband

[Anonymous]

I have been a screaming harpie with my husband as well. I am not this way with other people.

I was able to stop by just dropping it. My husband isn’t my friend or my mom. He loves me, and I really do believe that he would die for me, but in the day to day doesn’t actively want what’s best for me or really even care that much about me. Once you accept him for who he is and stop thinking that he thinks about you the way that you think about him, it all becomes a lot easier. If your housekeeper threw out the stuff you had marked for donation, how mad would you be? That’s how mad you should be at your husband. Maybe even less.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe you that the cops were mad at your husband when you were the reason they were called out. At best, they thought you were emotionally unstable and they empathized with you to calm you down. Do you really expect us to believe that you're out there disturbing the peace and the cops are mad at him???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe you that the cops were mad at your husband when you were the reason they were called out. At best, they thought you were emotionally unstable and they empathized with you to calm you down. Do you really expect us to believe that you're out there disturbing the peace and the cops are mad at him???

read dumb a$$. op said the kids were mad at him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been a screaming harpie with my husband as well. I am not this way with other people.

I was able to stop by just dropping it. My husband isn’t my friend or my mom. He loves me, and I really do believe that he would die for me, but in the day to day doesn’t actively want what’s best for me or really even care that much about me. Once you accept him for who he is and stop thinking that he thinks about you the way that you think about him, it all becomes a lot easier. If your housekeeper threw out the stuff you had marked for donation, how mad would you be? That’s how mad you should be at your husband. Maybe even less.

Man, is he Aspie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disengage and walk away.

?? She's the one who wants to engage. That would defeat her whole purpose in yelling at him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disengage and walk away.

?? She's the one who wants to engage. That would defeat her whole purpose in yelling at him.

Touché

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Thank you.

I agree with all of these comments. I am going to take an online anger management course that I found and see if it makes a difference.

To be clear, my kids were not there. I had dropped them off at school and come back to find all the stuff in the trash. My husband had no problem with the cops showing up. I am more upset about it.

I think my husband is part of the problem. For instance, after this happened, we agreed to come up with a list of ways to make communication better. I spent the day doing research and printed out a list of ideas, such as taking an anger management course. Then, when we were home and spoke and agreed to talk about it in the living room, I went in and waited for him for 5 minutes, confused, and then I went to look for him again and found him in the kitchen doing some sort of home improvement project. Again, I lost it, but again, his reaction was that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He "just" got distracted and forgot, and what does it matter when he goes to the living room. When he finally arrived, I took out my list and showed it to him, and he was fine with the ideas, but when I asked him for his, he had done nothing all day, but what does it matter, because he agrees with my ideas. It is like being married to a wall.

OP we had this dynamic in our marriage to a much lesser degree. I am nearly 100% certain that you will be able to change your husband's behavior by changing your behavior first. Work on yourself first and then after you have done the hard work, ask him to do joint therapy. I really encourage you to journal to find out what's behind the anger (likely sadness). You should also try meditating. Things will become much clearer for you, and I positive that if you do the work you will be happier. If the journaling is too difficult, limit it to a gratitude journal. Write 5 things EVERY DAY you are grateful for. Google articles to see how life-changing this practice can be.

[Anonymous]

Is all this new behavior with him?!

[Anonymous]

OP - how long would it have taken you to actually accomplish the task of getting the items out of the house? I am pretty mild mannered but based on my wife’s talk to no action I find myself throwing things in the trash when she is out for a bit. And she gets mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a calm person, but he makes me angry. I don't know what to do because I have a problem, but only with him. I never get angry at my co-workers, friends, or children.

Today I had separated all these clothes and toys to give away. My husband threw them in the trash. I was angry. And, he didn't tell me. I happened to come home and see them in the trash. In his eyes, I was going to get rid of them, so what does it matter how he got rid of them? But that makes me angrier. Then he said that I make everything into a big deal and that made me even angrier. And then he started telling me that it was fine and that he'd take it out of the trash, but in a calm emotionless voice. That made me angrier.

I was yelling on our front porch so loud that my neighbor called the police. There was a male and female officer and they separated us. The female police officer was nice and sympathized with me and said she used to be like me, too, but now she stays calm and says "you should have communicated with me" calmly. She understood how him not engaging made it worse, but said that I'm the problem and need to go for anger management. Part of me feels like she is right and I should get help. But, part of me feels like she doesn't know my husband. He does this on purpose, or he doesn't understand the difference between giving away something and trashing it.

Does anyone else have an emotionless husband? Could this be Asperger's? How do you handle? Does counseling help with Asperger's? We've been to it before and I felt like we didn't make progress but I am willing to try it again. Should I go to anger management? What is that?

We have a good relationship, but I would say that these fights happen once a month. Sometimes they are more upsetting than others. This was the first time that the police were called, but we never fight outside. When things like this happened before, I assumed that my husband made a mistake and confused it with trash and took it out or let it go and never said anything to him. Now, that I do say something to him, I know that he is doing it purposefully. I love him but I am afraid he is going to send me to the mental hospital. I need help.

The bolded. Your husband knows he is on a sinking ship/will never win so he has given up/is disengaging. He is matching your rage with apathy and I would too.

+ Dear god, poor police officers. They are truly in a Jack-of-all-trades position. Safe a life here. Pull a gun and kill that guy there. Gently counsel this adult couple- who should know better- on how to behave.
Get your sh!t together so other adults don't have to break up your rows. Does this seem like an appropriate use of tax payer money? To get so angry that you lose your ability to communicate so badly that others are in fear for the both of you?

[Anonymous]

Read the Dance of Anger, OP. You are over-functioning and in return, he is under-functioning.