Teen son talk about sex - some somewhat surprising info

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I have a son at a Maryland public who is an athlete and part of the popular crowd. We talk about sex, drinking, drugs, etc. a few times a year. Last year, when he was a junior, he told me that he knew of only one or two kids who had actual sex, and a small handful that had oral sex. This is a crowd where the majority of kids go to parties every weekend and drink, with many smoking weed as well—it is not easy for me to understand why their parents don’t limit their part attendance. Hookups at those parties reportedly consist mostly of kissing and groping. There is a surprisingly large number of kids in long-term relationships, and when they are not at parties, they go on movie or dinner dates.

I’m thirty years older, and compared to kids at my HS, they drink the same, smoke more weed, have a significantly higher percentage of monogamous relationships, and much less sex. Of course, this group could just be an anomaly within their school and age group.

If they are going to drinking parties on a regular basis and hooking up they are having sex, too. They may not be proudly and freely open about it. But they are absolutely sexually active. Maybe BJs and hand jobs count as "kissing and groping"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that your son's group of friends are like this. I do not think that you can over generalize and say that ALL kids are like this. They absolutely are not.

Personally, I think it's sad and pretty gross how these male/female friend groups casually exchange oral sex like it's a handshake, NBD at all. It's a very "Hollywood" thing to do and I think it's social media based peer pressure based. It's what the cool kids do.

It's good that your son is so open with you about this. You have a chance to talk with him about self respect, caring about other people and not doing anything that will be embarrassing for him when he's older. What feels good in the moment might wind up being a pretty gross memory with a lot of shame attached to it later on.

PP here. I've not seen shame associated with it so far. They seem to be enjoying themselves. I'm sure there are a few who have that feeling but plenty seem okay with it. Not my cup of tea but there's only so much you can monitor as a parent. 100 years ago they'd have been married and with a kid or few by 16-19.

These kids are sitting around together smoking weed, drinking alcohol and casually giving each other oral sex. Op says that the parents are generally involved and cautious about supervising their kids, ensuring that their is a parent around, etc.

Yet, Caligula is routinely happening in back bedrooms or in the basement right under these parents' noses. Makes not a bit of sense to me, sorry.

Caligula!

Lol, yeah it was an exaggeration. But do not tell me that these parents have no clue that this is going on. They simply choose to turn a blind eye to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I have a son at a Maryland public who is an athlete and part of the popular crowd. We talk about sex, drinking, drugs, etc. a few times a year. Last year, when he was a junior, he told me that he knew of only one or two kids who had actual sex, and a small handful that had oral sex. This is a crowd where the majority of kids go to parties every weekend and drink, with many smoking weed as well—it is not easy for me to understand why their parents don’t limit their part attendance. Hookups at those parties reportedly consist mostly of kissing and groping. There is a surprisingly large number of kids in long-term relationships, and when they are not at parties, they go on movie or dinner dates.

I’m thirty years older, and compared to kids at my HS, they drink the same, smoke more weed, have a significantly higher percentage of monogamous relationships, and much less sex. Of course, this group could just be an anomaly within their school and age group.

If they are going to drinking parties on a regular basis and hooking up they are having sex, too. They may not be proudly and freely open about it. But they are absolutely sexually active. Maybe BJs and hand jobs count as "kissing and groping"?

I’ve heard from teens and other moms of teens that movies.... are almost always an opportunity for fingering. If they’re going to the movies often, and seeing films they’re not that interested in.. it’s a good chance that’s what is happening.

[Anonymous]

This is pretty much what my teens (15, 17, 19) have told me and what I've heard from parents of their peers. And FWIW, they go to/went to a public HS in Northern VA (not one that's talked about a lot on DCUM). They all get good grades, as do most of their friends, and play sports. The hardest drug that is done by their friends is weed. Drinking is very common and most parents have the "do it here, give me all the keys" mentality about it. Also, most of their friends vape and it seems like there are more kids who do than don't. One of mine told me he tried it and hated it. The other two say they haven't and don't want to.

Oral sex is very, very common and seen as no big deal. However, teens have gotten the message that oral sex IS sex because my two teen sons tell me that the number of oral sex partners is absolutely counted in your overall number of sexual partners. Also, much to my shock, anal is growing in popularity.

As OP said, most girls are on some form of birth control. Most guys have parents who provide condoms. I know we put a box of condoms in our hall closet and told them they were there.

Also, my 19 yo DD has become even more open with me since going away to college, and recently told me that girls hooking up and experimenting is really common now and also seen as no big deal. She said it's viewed as the safer option because women are less likely to send random, unwanted nude pictures, take secret pictures, or secretly film while having sex. Who knew that secret filming was such a big thing?? But according to her, at least where she goes to college (an ivy), guys often record and SHARE the vids. And just because two women hookup, it doesn't mean they need any kind of gay/lesbian/queer/bi/etc. label. They're just fulfilling urges with close friends. Well, okay then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I have a son at a Maryland public who is an athlete and part of the popular crowd. We talk about sex, drinking, drugs, etc. a few times a year. Last year, when he was a junior, he told me that he knew of only one or two kids who had actual sex, and a small handful that had oral sex. This is a crowd where the majority of kids go to parties every weekend and drink, with many smoking weed as well—it is not easy for me to understand why their parents don’t limit their part attendance. Hookups at those parties reportedly consist mostly of kissing and groping. There is a surprisingly large number of kids in long-term relationships, and when they are not at parties, they go on movie or dinner dates.

I’m thirty years older, and compared to kids at my HS, they drink the same, smoke more weed, have a significantly higher percentage of monogamous relationships, and much less sex. Of course, this group could just be an anomaly within their school and age group.

If they are going to drinking parties on a regular basis and hooking up they are having sex, too. They may not be proudly and freely open about it. But they are absolutely sexually active. Maybe BJs and hand jobs count as "kissing and groping"?

I’ve heard from teens and other moms of teens that movies.... are almost always an opportunity for fingering. If they’re going to the movies often, and seeing films they’re not that interested in.. it’s a good chance that’s what is happening.

Your saying that a sober kid sitting next to a friend at a movie theater is going to engage in the same type of sexual behavior that a drunk kid at a party is going to engage in? Ha. Nope!

But that is a great excuse for not supervising your kid. After all, if they are going to do it anyway why even try?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a bit sad but I suppose it’s better than my parents getting married at 18 so they could have sex. Divorced of course.

Why is it sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty much what my teens (15, 17, 19) have told me and what I've heard from parents of their peers. And FWIW, they go to/went to a public HS in Northern VA (not one that's talked about a lot on DCUM). They all get good grades, as do most of their friends, and play sports. The hardest drug that is done by their friends is weed. Drinking is very common and most [b]parents have the "do it here, give me all the keys" mentality about it. Also, most of their friends vape and it seems like there are more kids who do than don't. One of mine told me he tried it and hated it. The other two say they haven't and don't want to.

Oral sex is very, very common and seen as no big deal. However, teens have gotten the message that oral sex IS sex because my two teen sons tell me that the number of oral sex partners is absolutely counted in your overall number of sexual partners. Also, much to my shock, anal is growing in popularity.

As OP said, most girls are on some form of birth control. Most guys have parents who provide condoms. I know we put a box of condoms in our hall closet and told them they were there.

Also, my 19 yo DD has become even more open with me since going away to college, and recently told me that girls hooking up and experimenting is really common now and also seen as no big deal. She said it's viewed as the safer option because women are less likely to send random, unwanted nude pictures, take secret pictures, or secretly film while having sex. Who knew that secret filming was such a big thing?? But according to her, at least where she goes to college (an ivy), guys often record and SHARE the vids. And just because two women hookup, it doesn't mean they need any kind of gay/lesbian/queer/bi/etc. label. They're just fulfilling urges with close friends. Well, okay then.

The bolded. It's their friend group, seriously. Not all parents or their teens think this way. These parents seem to think that this an acceptable rite of passage for their kids. They know about it but they look the other way figuring if they don't allow it in their own home they'll just go somewhere else, right?

This is not my parenting style and it is not something that I would be comfortable condoning, myself. Yeah, I'm not a hipster, with it, cool parent. I know..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 16 and he’s always been pretty open with me. Somehow we got on the topic of sex and his peers. He attends a private school in the DC/Suburban area. Just in terms of demographics, most of his friends come from fairly, if not very, affluent families. Most have stay at home moms. Most have pretty involved parents, the kind that call or text to make sure a parent is home and that kind of thing. These kids (boys and girls) are almost all good athletes and very good to exceptional students. They mainly drink and smoke weed occasionally. No heavy drugs.

Ok so that’s the demographic for whatever it’s worth. He says the sex at this age is extremely common and very casual. He says that the girls are very much up for anything and that most in his group have had multiple partners. Some are in the high teens in terms of numbers. Oral sex is even more casual. He says most girls are on the pill but that the guys are good about condoms. He agrees the ease of watching porn has may be contributed to the culture.

I don’t want to judge his views, but we did raise him that sex should be in a committed, serious relationship. He seems to reject that view and says “that’s just not how it is now” I get that teens have always been sexually active but the amount and frequency of casual sex at this age is what surprised me the most. He did say it’s still unfair that girls can get a bad reputation and for the most part guys don’t.

So that’s my news from the teen trenches.

So more money/private school/involved parents etc are some protection against teens having sex?

I'm 55, I went to an expensive private school, everyone was in the affluent demographic, and sex was common, most everyone had sex before they graduated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These kids are sitting around together smoking weed, drinking alcohol and casually giving each other oral sex. Op says that the parents are generally involved and cautious about supervising their kids, ensuring that their is a parent around, etc.

Yet, Caligula is routinely happening in back bedrooms or in the basement right under these parents' noses. Makes not a bit of sense to me, sorry.

I'm the 55yo PP. I had sex, including oral sex, in my bedroom in high school, with my parents and siblings in the house. Sometimes we'd drink wine or beer, too. Right under their noses! Shocking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 33. This is no different than what it was when I was 16. Some kids are lying. Some kids are waiting but not advertising it. And some kids are more casual.

This is nothing new

I don’t know if you’re right. My daughter’s therapist who is very well regarded in this area and has been seeing teens and their families for 25 years, thinks there has been a pretty big cultural shift. He does think the access to porn is a part of it, and all the pressure on girls to have “sexy” Instagram photos and that kind of thing. Particularly with oral sex, he says things have changed.

LOL yes it’s just because there is easy access to porn!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 16 and he’s always been pretty open with me. Somehow we got on the topic of sex and his peers. He attends a private school in the DC/Suburban area. Just in terms of demographics, most of his friends come from fairly, if not very, affluent families. Most have stay at home moms. Most have pretty involved parents, the kind that call or text to make sure a parent is home and that kind of thing. These kids (boys and girls) are almost all good athletes and very good to exceptional students. They mainly drink and smoke weed occasionally. No heavy drugs.

Ok so that’s the demographic for whatever it’s worth. He says the sex at this age is extremely common and very casual. He says that the girls are very much up for anything and that most in his group have had multiple partners. Some are in the high teens in terms of numbers. Oral sex is even more casual. He says most girls are on the pill but that the guys are good about condoms. He agrees the ease of watching porn has may be contributed to the culture.

I don’t want to judge his views, but we did raise him that sex should be in a committed, serious relationship. He seems to reject that view and says “that’s just not how it is now” I get that teens have always been sexually active but the amount and frequency of casual sex at this age is what surprised me the most. He did say it’s still unfair that girls can get a bad reputation and for the most part guys don’t.

So that’s my news from the teen trenches.

Op here of course not. Demographic info was just factual not with an implication one way or another.

So more money/private school/involved parents etc are some protection against teens having sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the difference?

A person's ick factor rises with each partners. At this rate, op's kid and his friends will be full-on skeevy by 22.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But isn't that the same as when we were young? I'm in my 30s and that's how it was. There was internet back then too with easy access.

For those of us in our 40s and 50s it's a change.

I was born in ‘72 and it was the same when I was in high school.

The first commercial provider of dial up access to the internet was in 1989. CERN introduced the World Wide Web to the public in 1991. How were you watching porn on the internet in 1986?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the difference?

A person's ick factor rises with each partners. At this rate, op's kid and his friends will be full-on skeevy by 22.

Hm. I mean I got married in my late 30s - by choice - and my husband and I both had rich dating lives by the time we married. I suppose that someone who'd wanted to settle down with an 18 year old virgin probably wouldn't have picked me - but I probably wouldn't have picked them either.

I guess in insular religious communities your way of thinking might be right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the difference?

A person's ick factor rises with each partners. At this rate, op's kid and his friends will be full-on skeevy by 22.

I don’t think 22 is considered that big a deal by say 30. Let’s say you start at 18 and 3-4 a year which would be common that’s 36-48 right there!