Teen son talk about sex - some somewhat surprising info

[Anonymous]

My son is 16 and he’s always been pretty open with me. Somehow we got on the topic of sex and his peers. He attends a private school in the DC/Suburban area. Just in terms of demographics, most of his friends come from fairly, if not very, affluent families. Most have stay at home moms. Most have pretty involved parents, the kind that call or text to make sure a parent is home and that kind of thing. These kids (boys and girls) are almost all good athletes and very good to exceptional students. They mainly drink and smoke weed occasionally. No heavy drugs.

Ok so that’s the demographic for whatever it’s worth. He says the sex at this age is extremely common and very casual. He says that the girls are very much up for anything and that most in his group have had multiple partners. Some are in the high teens in terms of numbers. Oral sex is even more casual. He says most girls are on the pill but that the guys are good about condoms. He agrees the ease of watching porn has may be contributed to the culture.

I don’t want to judge his views, but we did raise him that sex should be in a committed, serious relationship. He seems to reject that view and says “that’s just not how it is now” I get that teens have always been sexually active but the amount and frequency of casual sex at this age is what surprised me the most. He did say it’s still unfair that girls can get a bad reputation and for the most part guys don’t.

So that’s my news from the teen trenches.

[Anonymous]

I'm 33. This is no different than what it was when I was 16. Some kids are lying. Some kids are waiting but not advertising it. And some kids are more casual.

This is nothing new

[Anonymous]

It’s a bit sad but I suppose it’s better than my parents getting married at 18 so they could have sex. Divorced of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 33. This is no different than what it was when I was 16. Some kids are lying. Some kids are waiting but not advertising it. And some kids are more casual.

This is nothing new

I don’t know if you’re right. My daughter’s therapist who is very well regarded in this area and has been seeing teens and their families for 25 years, thinks there has been a pretty big cultural shift. He does think the access to porn is a part of it, and all the pressure on girls to have “sexy” Instagram photos and that kind of thing. Particularly with oral sex, he says things have changed.

[Anonymous]

It's entirely possible that his reporting is accurate, but two things to keep in mind:
1) Teens often think that other teens are having more sex than they actually are (and drinking and doing drugs more, etc.). That's in part because their friends exaggerate, and in part because kids who aren't doing those things don't talk about it as much.
2) Overall, teens today are having less sex than previous generations (https://www.vox.com/2016/6/9/11887580/teen-behavior-2015)

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure there have been studies showing teens are not as active as previous generations. It may, indeed, be more casual, though, and maybe the rate of activity short of intercourse has increased. At any rate, isn't every generation more casual about it then the previous one? There's not really a surprise if that's the case.

Good for you on having such an open relationship with your teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's entirely possible that his reporting is accurate, but two things to keep in mind:
1) Teens often think that other teens are having more sex than they actually are (and drinking and doing drugs more, etc.). That's in part because their friends exaggerate, and in part because kids who aren't doing those things don't talk about it as much.
2) Overall, teens today are having less sex than previous generations (https://www.vox.com/2016/6/9/11887580/teen-behavior-2015)

Who knows? I’m sure different groups have different norms. Good news on the contraception front though. I will say my non partying, prefers to stay home daughter informed me the other day that “no one goes to college a virgin, mom” that was pretty much the case among my friends in the late 80s, but was still surprised to hear her say it.

[Anonymous]

But isn't that the same as when we were young? I'm in my 30s and that's how it was. There was internet back then too with easy access.

[Anonymous]

I think that your son's group of friends are like this. I do not think that you can over generalize and say that ALL kids are like this. They absolutely are not.

Personally, I think it's sad and pretty gross how these male/female friend groups casually exchange oral sex like it's a handshake, NBD at all. It's a very "Hollywood" thing to do and I think it's social media based peer pressure based. It's what the cool kids do.

It's good that your son is so open with you about this. You have a chance to talk with him about self respect, caring about other people and not doing anything that will be embarrassing for him when he's older. What feels good in the moment might wind up being a pretty gross memory with a lot of shame attached to it later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 33. This is no different than what it was when I was 16. Some kids are lying. Some kids are waiting but not advertising it. And some kids are more casual.

This is nothing new

I don’t know if you’re right. My daughter’s therapist who is very well regarded in this area and has been seeing teens and their families for 25 years, thinks there has been a pretty big cultural shift. He does think the access to porn is a part of it, and all the pressure on girls to have “sexy” Instagram photos and that kind of thing. Particularly with oral sex, he says things have changed.

She's 33 - this shift happened when she was a teen. My sister is the same age and said the same. It's not instagram as much as a shift in how girls see sex.

[Anonymous]

News Flash:
Most kids are lying. Just like most adults, they have mastered the art of saying whatever you want to hear.
OR whatever you DON’T want to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But isn't that the same as when we were young? I'm in my 30s and that's how it was. There was internet back then too with easy access.

This isn't anything different than what I remember from 35-40 years ago. Sex was THE thing that was taboo, and many kids had casual sex of one form or another.

Sex in teenagers is on the decline compared to prior generations.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/fewer-teens-having-sex-as-decline-in-risky-behaviors-continue/2018/01/04/a868bf84-f15c-11e7-97bf-bba379b809ab_story.html?utm_term=.5f91e98a722f

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But isn't that the same as when we were young? I'm in my 30s and that's how it was. There was internet back then too with easy access.

For those of us in our 40s and 50s it's a change.

[Anonymous]

So the oral is both ways? Thought it pretty much was girls blowing the guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But isn't that the same as when we were young? I'm in my 30s and that's how it was. There was internet back then too with easy access.

This isn't anything different than what I remember from 35-40 years ago. Sex was THE thing that was taboo, and many kids had casual sex of one form or another.

Sex in teenagers is on the decline compared to prior generations.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/fewer-teens-having-sex-as-decline-in-risky-behaviors-continue/2018/01/04/a868bf84-f15c-11e7-97bf-bba379b809ab_story.html?utm_term=.5f91e98a722f

Oral sex is on the rise. That's the change.
https://www.sfgate.com/news/article/70-of-older-teens-have-had-oral-sex-Study-2568753.php