Teen son talk about sex - some somewhat surprising info

[Anonymous]

I think mutual respect and mutual enjoyment should be at the top of the list of what you teaching your teen.

[Anonymous]

This doesn’t sound unusual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think mutual respect and mutual enjoyment should be at the top of the list of what you teaching your teen.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 16 and he’s always been pretty open with me. Somehow we got on the topic of sex and his peers. He attends a private school in the DC/Suburban area. Just in terms of demographics, most of his friends come from fairly, if not very, affluent families. Most have stay at home moms. Most have pretty involved parents, the kind that call or text to make sure a parent is home and that kind of thing. These kids (boys and girls) are almost all good athletes and very good to exceptional students. They mainly drink and smoke weed occasionally. No heavy drugs.

Ok so that’s the demographic for whatever it’s worth. He says the sex at this age is extremely common and very casual. He says that the girls are very much up for anything and that most in his group have had multiple partners. Some are in the high teens in terms of numbers. Oral sex is even more casual. He says most girls are on the pill but that the guys are good about condoms. He agrees the ease of watching porn has may be contributed to the culture.

I don’t want to judge his views, but we did raise him that sex should be in a committed, serious relationship. He seems to reject that view and says “that’s just not how it is now” I get that teens have always been sexually active but the amount and frequency of casual sex at this age is what surprised me the most. He did say it’s still unfair that girls can get a bad reputation and for the most part guys don’t.

So that’s my news from the teen trenches.

So more money/private school/involved parents etc are some protection against teens having sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But isn't that the same as when we were young? I'm in my 30s and that's how it was. There was internet back then too with easy access.

For those of us in our 40s and 50s it's a change.

I was thinking the same thing...pp is practically a child herself.

[Anonymous]

OP this is what I hear from my DS who has been in both pubic and private similar to your DS and he reports the same behavior at both a FCPS high school and a MD private. He has been having sex with his few girlfriends (as in monogamous relationship) for several years and had one period of casual sex as you describe as well (we tried to discourage that). He is a rising senior. Girls are far more open to it than back when I was in school and oral sex seems definitely more prevalent today - with condoms for boys. DD on the other hand held off until college and has had only 1 boyfriend/partner thus far. It still runs the gamut but I'm not sure I believe the stats that it's less prevalent than back in the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But isn't that the same as when we were young? I'm in my 30s and that's how it was. There was internet back then too with easy access.

For those of us in our 40s and 50s it's a change.

I was thinking the same thing...pp is practically a child herself.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that your son's group of friends are like this. I do not think that you can over generalize and say that ALL kids are like this. They absolutely are not.

Personally, I think it's sad and pretty gross how these male/female friend groups casually exchange oral sex like it's a handshake, NBD at all. It's a very "Hollywood" thing to do and I think it's social media based peer pressure based. It's what the cool kids do.

It's good that your son is so open with you about this. You have a chance to talk with him about self respect, caring about other people and not doing anything that will be embarrassing for him when he's older. What feels good in the moment might wind up being a pretty gross memory with a lot of shame attached to it later on.

PP here. I've not seen shame associated with it so far. They seem to be enjoying themselves. I'm sure there are a few who have that feeling but plenty seem okay with it. Not my cup of tea but there's only so much you can monitor as a parent. 100 years ago they'd have been married and with a kid or few by 16-19.

[Anonymous]

What's the difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that your son's group of friends are like this. I do not think that you can over generalize and say that ALL kids are like this. They absolutely are not.

Personally, I think it's sad and pretty gross how these male/female friend groups casually exchange oral sex like it's a handshake, NBD at all. It's a very "Hollywood" thing to do and I think it's social media based peer pressure based. It's what the cool kids do.

It's good that your son is so open with you about this. You have a chance to talk with him about self respect, caring about other people and not doing anything that will be embarrassing for him when he's older. What feels good in the moment might wind up being a pretty gross memory with a lot of shame attached to it later on.

PP here. I've not seen shame associated with it so far. They seem to be enjoying themselves. I'm sure there are a few who have that feeling but plenty seem okay with it. Not my cup of tea but there's only so much you can monitor as a parent. 100 years ago they'd have been married and with a kid or few by 16-19.

These kids are sitting around together smoking weed, drinking alcohol and casually giving each other oral sex. Op says that the parents are generally involved and cautious about supervising their kids, ensuring that their is a parent around, etc.

Yet, Caligula is routinely happening in back bedrooms or in the basement right under these parents' noses. Makes not a bit of sense to me, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is what I hear from my DS who has been in both pubic and private similar to your DS and he reports the same behavior at both a FCPS high school and a MD private. He has been having sex with his few girlfriends (as in monogamous relationship) for several years and had one period of casual sex as you describe as well (we tried to discourage that). He is a rising senior. Girls are far more open to it than back when I was in school and oral sex seems definitely more prevalent today - with condoms for boys. DD on the other hand held off until college and has had only 1 boyfriend/partner thus far. It still runs the gamut but I'm not sure I believe the stats that it's less prevalent than back in the day.

I was just reading about the study -- worth noting that it starts in 1991, so I don't know if we can say teens are having less sex than they did 40-50 years ago, but rather that there has been a decrease in teens saying they are sexually active in the past 28 years. It may also be that kids are not counting oral as "sexually active"? Data is weird.

I'm just glad to hear that contraception has become less controversial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But isn't that the same as when we were young? I'm in my 30s and that's how it was. There was internet back then too with easy access.

For those of us in our 40s and 50s it's a change.

I'm in my 40s and I had sex for the first time right before I turned 16 - and most of my friends had already done it. I and many friends had a mix of sex in committed relationships, and much more casual sex, in the years after that. I usually had a boyfriend but when I didn't I slept around more. I didn't even see the internet until I was about to graduate from college, so easy access to porn was def not a part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that your son's group of friends are like this. I do not think that you can over generalize and say that ALL kids are like this. They absolutely are not.

Personally, I think it's sad and pretty gross how these male/female friend groups casually exchange oral sex like it's a handshake, NBD at all. It's a very "Hollywood" thing to do and I think it's social media based peer pressure based. It's what the cool kids do.

It's good that your son is so open with you about this. You have a chance to talk with him about self respect, caring about other people and not doing anything that will be embarrassing for him when he's older. What feels good in the moment might wind up being a pretty gross memory with a lot of shame attached to it later on.

PP here. I've not seen shame associated with it so far. They seem to be enjoying themselves. I'm sure there are a few who have that feeling but plenty seem okay with it. Not my cup of tea but there's only so much you can monitor as a parent. 100 years ago they'd have been married and with a kid or few by 16-19.

These kids are sitting around together smoking weed, drinking alcohol and casually giving each other oral sex. Op says that the parents are generally involved and cautious about supervising their kids, ensuring that their is a parent around, etc.

Yet, Caligula is routinely happening in back bedrooms or in the basement right under these parents' noses. Makes not a bit of sense to me, sorry.

Caligula!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But isn't that the same as when we were young? I'm in my 30s and that's how it was. There was internet back then too with easy access.

For those of us in our 40s and 50s it's a change.

I was born in ‘72 and it was the same when I was in high school.

[Anonymous]

Interesting. I have a son at a Maryland public who is an athlete and part of the popular crowd. We talk about sex, drinking, drugs, etc. a few times a year. Last year, when he was a junior, he told me that he knew of only one or two kids who had actual sex, and a small handful that had oral sex. This is a crowd where the majority of kids go to parties every weekend and drink, with many smoking weed as well—it is not easy for me to understand why their parents don’t limit their part attendance. Hookups at those parties reportedly consist mostly of kissing and groping. There is a surprisingly large number of kids in long-term relationships, and when they are not at parties, they go on movie or dinner dates.

I’m thirty years older, and compared to kids at my HS, they drink the same, smoke more weed, have a significantly higher percentage of monogamous relationships, and much less sex. Of course, this group could just be an anomaly within their school and age group.