Teen son talk about sex - some somewhat surprising info

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my 40s and went to DC private high school. Was the same then. I think people who are getting all upset about it being different just weren’t around the crowd that was drinking and hooking up. This is just not that different. It’s not porn. It’s being a teenager.

+1. 46 from a DC private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my 40s and went to DC private high school. Was the same then. I think people who are getting all upset about it being different just weren’t around the crowd that was drinking and hooking up. This is just not that different. It’s not porn. It’s being a teenager.

+1. 46 from a DC private.

53 here. It was the "popular" teenagers who were hooking up and having lots of sex back then in the 80s. I was one of the "unpopulars." This is not new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my 40s and went to DC private high school. Was the same then. I think people who are getting all upset about it being different just weren’t around the crowd that was drinking and hooking up. This is just not that different. It’s not porn. It’s being a teenager.

+1. 46 from a DC private.

53 here. It was the "popular" teenagers who were hooking up and having lots of sex back then in the 80s. I was one of the "unpopulars." This is not new.

Agree it's not new. Although I was an artsy weirdo (aka not a cool kid), and I was sexually active.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 33. This is no different than what it was when I was 16. Some kids are lying. Some kids are waiting but not advertising it. And some kids are more casual.

This is nothing new

I don’t know if you’re right. My daughter’s therapist who is very well regarded in this area and has been seeing teens and their families for 25 years, thinks there has been a pretty big cultural shift. He does think the access to porn is a part of it, and all the pressure on girls to have “sexy” Instagram photos and that kind of thing. Particularly with oral sex, he says things have changed.

Well, MY daughter's therapistS, who are super duper well regarded in this area and all others have been seeing teens and their families for 26 PLUS years and thinks there has been no cultural shift. THEY don't care about porn. Overall in conclusion henceforth, you're annoying and you should repeat to yourself the phrase "anecdotes are not evidence or fact."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 33. This is no different than what it was when I was 16. Some kids are lying. Some kids are waiting but not advertising it. And some kids are more casual.

This is nothing new

I don’t know if you’re right. My daughter’s therapist who is very well regarded in this area and has been seeing teens and their families for 25 years, thinks there has been a pretty big cultural shift. He does think the access to porn is a part of it, and all the pressure on girls to have “sexy” Instagram photos and that kind of thing. Particularly with oral sex, he says things have changed.

Well, MY daughter's therapistS, who are super duper well regarded in this area and all others have been seeing teens and their families for 26 PLUS years and thinks there has been no cultural shift. THEY don't care about porn. Overall in conclusion henceforth, you're annoying and you should repeat to yourself the phrase "anecdotes are not evidence or fact."

You do realize the flaw in your logic? You’re purporting your therapist’s insights are valid and another’s are not BOTH based likely on anecdote

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that your son's group of friends are like this. I do not think that you can over generalize and say that ALL kids are like this. They absolutely are not.

Personally, I think it's sad and pretty gross how these male/female friend groups casually exchange oral sex like it's a handshake, NBD at all. It's a very "Hollywood" thing to do and I think it's social media based peer pressure based. It's what the cool kids do.

It's good that your son is so open with you about this. You have a chance to talk with him about self respect, caring about other people and not doing anything that will be embarrassing for him when he's older. What feels good in the moment might wind up being a pretty gross memory with a lot of shame attached to it later on.

How is oral sex a "Hollywood" thing to do? Also, teaching kids to be sexually conservative is one thing, but attaching "shame" to sex is dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't any different from when we were kids. These are not highly involved parents if kids are doing weed, drinking and having sex.

I disagree with this. I probably fall into the helicopter category and I drop and pick up my oldest, I know the parents of DC's friends...The parents get used to the group of friends being "good kids" and will be ok running out for errands with the kids home during the day on a weekend. That's plenty of time for kids to do whatever. No matter how involved you are, your kids have opportunities to be alone. I drop DC at the mall for a few hours with DC's friend. I trust that that's what's happening, but who knows. That doesn't mean I'm not highly involved, it means I teach my kids my values and hope they'll use their freedom appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you give your kids condoms. I do not believe you give them lube.

Not PP but we bought condoms and lube and placed them in our laundry closet.

We also bought porn mags and some DVDs and placed them in there. I’d rather have my boys looking at that type of porn versus the sketchy kind online that can possibly get them in trouble if they click on the wrong thing.

This is illegal and can get you arrested and the kids placed in foster care. I’m a mandatory reporter. Last year, we reported a dad who gave his kid one of those little photo viewers from the carnival with a photo of a topless woman in it.

Don't go to a beach in Europe, your kid will see many real women topless. I can't believe you reported one of those topless viewfinders. WTH.

[Anonymous]

DS is a rising senior at one of the big 3 private schools. He is a Div-1 college athlete recruit and he is NOT sexually active. He has plenty of opportunities to have sex but choose not to. Some of his friends are sexually active and some are not. He is very open to his mother about sex. He will have sex when he finds the right lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you give your kids condoms. I do not believe you give them lube.

Not PP but we bought condoms and lube and placed them in our laundry closet.

We also bought porn mags and some DVDs and placed them in there. I’d rather have my boys looking at that type of porn versus the sketchy kind online that can possibly get them in trouble if they click on the wrong thing.

This is illegal and can get you arrested and the kids placed in foster care. I’m a mandatory reporter. Last year, we reported a dad who gave his kid one of those little photo viewers from the carnival with a photo of a topless woman in it.

Don't go to a beach in Europe, your kid will see many real women topless. I can't believe you reported one of those topless viewfinders. WTH.

It wasn’t a European topless beach type shot. It was meant to be salacious.

[Anonymous]

I heard from a 16 year old boy in Ohio that there are new bases- 1st kissing, 2nd oral, 3rd sex, home run is orgy. Very different from when I was in HS in 1997

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 33. This is no different than what it was when I was 16. Some kids are lying. Some kids are waiting but not advertising it. And some kids are more casual.

This is nothing new

I don’t know if you’re right. My daughter’s therapist who is very well regarded in this area and has been seeing teens and their families for 25 years, thinks there has been a pretty big cultural shift. He does think the access to porn is a part of it, and all the pressure on girls to have “sexy” Instagram photos and that kind of thing. Particularly with oral sex, he says things have changed.

Well, MY daughter's therapistS, who are super duper well regarded in this area and all others have been seeing teens and their families for 26 PLUS years and thinks there has been no cultural shift. THEY don't care about porn. Overall in conclusion henceforth, you're annoying and you should repeat to yourself the phrase "anecdotes are not evidence or fact."

Someone could use some action on here it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that your son's group of friends are like this. I do not think that you can over generalize and say that ALL kids are like this. They absolutely are not.

Personally, I think it's sad and pretty gross how these male/female friend groups casually exchange oral sex like it's a handshake, NBD at all. It's a very "Hollywood" thing to do and I think it's social media based peer pressure based. It's what the cool kids do.

It's good that your son is so open with you about this. You have a chance to talk with him about self respect, caring about other people and not doing anything that will be embarrassing for him when he's older. What feels good in the moment might wind up being a pretty gross memory with a lot of shame attached to it later on.

How is oral sex a "Hollywood" thing to do? Also, teaching kids to be sexually conservative is one thing, but attaching "shame" to sex is dysfunctional.

It's the way some celebrities seem to all be having sex with the same circle friends. The gross memories come from having a bit too much TMI info about your social group and your social group having a bit too much TMI info about you. What seemed fun at the time, looks pretty gross in hindsight.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing you have all seen the porn sites kids are accessing? Red tube, pornhub, etc etc etc? Some of the stuff on there does not look enjoyable. I am bothered with an anecdotal suspicion I have picked up that most porn actors were sexually abused children, never getting to own their own bodies and just displaying for a camera what has felt inescapable. I cringe at the idea of those scenes setting the bar. Anyone hear that NPR piece about the rats wearing jackets during their first sexual climax, and not being able to climax without their jackets? I shudder to think of the young people I love or their friends becoming accustomed to acts that degrade or demoralize. I know they will watch porn so I try to open dialogues about what they see, and encourage them to choose actual people (amateur porn sites ... I once knew names of a few , make love not porn? Something like that was one I think). Anyway, from the conversations I’ve had I get the impression there has been a shift and gender fluidity is one big shift. It is not only girls who are nonplussed to be bisexual but their male peers are also open to experiences. I heard from a kid I viewed as very cis gendered how he went a few months only watching man on man porn. And, sorry to burst your insulated dreamscape but these kids I talk to are totally typical, upstanding young people whom adults find likeable and well adjusted. If the young ppl in your life are exposed to things you haven’t given much thought to....maybe figure out what framework you can offer them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you would be surprised what your kids do.

This summer mine are - working, taking classes, volunteering, watching sports, doing sports, hanging out, playing video games, watching t.v., going out to the movies.

They always get back at a reasonable hour. I've never had to set a curfew for them.

I was a total handful at their ages. So was my dh. I don't know why we lucked out like this, lol.

Funny, my first sexual relationship (age 17) was with a guy who worked next door to the place I worked. We had sex in the storeroom during both our working hours, as well as when my parents thought I was at the movies. Saw a LOT of movies that summer....

Yeah, that happens. At least your parents weren't escorting him to your bedroom and handing him condoms and lube for his visit with you.

I'm I the only one who thinks that takes a lot of the fun out of it? Part of the thrill is thinking you're getting away with something scandalous. Heaven knows what these kids are going to have to do to rebel. Become Republicans?