I don't know how to be a good wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To respond to some points.....his parents relationship is horrible, and we have tried therapy multiple times.

The things I'm noticing are things he has both said, "I need you to just shut up sometimes", and things he acts out (praise issue). The praise is not for things like taking out the trash. I praise those behaviors a lot. He needs praise that I think he's smart, that he is good at his job and such. The flip to this is that he also finds giving me praise very hard. It feels like he holds a deep insecurity, and I feel emotionally burdened to stroke this insecurity regularly.

Examples of things I'm supposed to shut up about would be something like, not saying something if he is speeding in rainy weather. For context, we were in a car accident because of his driving so I feel nervous in the car with him. Or if we are in a disagreement he will say,"I need you to just shut up".

I imagine these are the types of things people just suck up. For some reason I just can't.

OP, is it possible that you are a nagger? I would probably find it annoying if my husband was criticizing everything that I do. Take a moment to sit back and think how often you criticize/complain and how often you uplift. Not everything requires a response. Some women have a tendency to expect our husbands to do things the way we would do them, and criticize when they don't. You may not like how he drives, and it may be unsafe, but it's not up to you to keep criticizing him about it. Either don't allow him to drive you around or, if it's that big of a deal for you, divorce. But you cannot make someone think/do things that you want them to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To respond to some points.....his parents relationship is horrible, and we have tried therapy multiple times.

The things I'm noticing are things he has both said, "I need you to just shut up sometimes", and things he acts out (praise issue). The praise is not for things like taking out the trash. I praise those behaviors a lot. He needs praise that I think he's smart, that he is good at his job and such. The flip to this is that he also finds giving me praise very hard. It feels like he holds a deep insecurity, and I feel emotionally burdened to stroke this insecurity regularly.

Examples of things I'm supposed to shut up about would be something like, not saying something if he is speeding in rainy weather. For context, we were in a car accident because of his driving so I feel nervous in the car with him. Or if we are in a disagreement he will say,"I need you to just shut up".

I imagine these are the types of things people just suck up. For some reason I just can't.

He needs to say whatever he needs at the moment WITHOUT the rude, disrespectful word, “shut up.” Full stop. No more anyone saying Shut Up. Or name calling. Stop and think of another phrase to make your point. Solve problems as a team, not personal attacks and avoid addressing an issue.

[Anonymous]

You don't know how to be a good wife to this asshole husband you've got. Fix that asshole problem and you'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

He needs praise that I think he's smart, that he is good at his job and such. The flip to this is that he also finds giving me praise very hard. It feels like he holds a deep insecurity, and I feel emotionally burdened to stroke this insecurity regularly.

Stop. Seriously, you don't have to do that. "I can't keep reassuring you about this. Maybe it would help you to talk to a therapist." But then you can't do the work of finding one for him or making him go, he has to decide if he wants to work on it. I think you need some emotional distance here, and that if you get that, you'll have an easier time being patient, but also setting boundaries. Maybe he solves this, maybe he doesn't, but you can't hold yourself responsible for his sense of self and emotional state because, as you can see, it's not working. Cultivate relationships with friends and family. Do physical activities you enjoy. If you don't feel safe driving with him in rainy weather, avoid it, even if that means you're doing less stuff with him. Don't let yourself be dragged into arguments about why and don't be insulting, just say that in the past you've had disagreements where you haven't felt safe, and so you think the best thing for both of you is avoid that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To respond to some points.....his parents relationship is horrible, and we have tried therapy multiple times.

The things I'm noticing are things he has both said, "I need you to just shut up sometimes", and things he acts out (praise issue). The praise is not for things like taking out the trash. I praise those behaviors a lot. He needs praise that I think he's smart, that he is good at his job and such. The flip to this is that he also finds giving me praise very hard. It feels like he holds a deep insecurity, and I feel emotionally burdened to stroke this insecurity regularly.

Examples of things I'm supposed to shut up about would be something like, not saying something if he is speeding in rainy weather. For context, we were in a car accident because of his driving so I feel nervous in the car with him. Or if we are in a disagreement he will say,"I need you to just shut up".

I imagine these are the types of things people just suck up. For some reason I just can't.

OP, is it possible that you are a nagger? I would probably find it annoying if my husband was criticizing everything that I do. Take a moment to sit back and think how often you criticize/complain and how often you uplift. Not everything requires a response. Some women have a tendency to expect our husbands to do things the way we would do them, and criticize when they don't. You may not like how he drives, and it may be unsafe, but it's not up to you to keep criticizing him about it. Either don't allow him to drive you around or, if it's that big of a deal for you, divorce. But you cannot make someone think/do things that you want them to do.

OP here. This is a good point about nagging. What's a reasonable amount of criticism? As in how often is it healthy to criticize? I could be off about this.

[Anonymous]

It’s easy to get out of control with criticism. You forgot to fill the dog’s water dish. The garbage is full. You left the back door unlocked. You drive too fast. I’m sure most people will try to excuse it like “but it’s a safety issue” or “but I did all the other chores” blah blah the bottom line is, it’s criticism. Just yesterday I realized my husband left our back door unlocked and not even pulled all the way shut, and we live in a busy area so yes it probably was a safety issue. But I also knew he spent all day working in the yard on his day off and was probably just tired and forgot. So I locked it and closed it and never said a word. It didn’t need to be said. So why nag. I choose my battles and criticisms carefully because it’s really easy to poison a relationship by making someone feel like they can’t do anything right.

[Anonymous]

Yes. And yet. How many of those kindnesses does one do before s/he is taken for granted as the one who always "sweeps up" after the other. It's also easy to get out of control with expecting one's spouse to always be the responsible adult in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To respond to some points.....his parents relationship is horrible, and we have tried therapy multiple times.

The things I'm noticing are things he has both said, "I need you to just shut up sometimes", and things he acts out (praise issue). The praise is not for things like taking out the trash. I praise those behaviors a lot. He needs praise that I think he's smart, that he is good at his job and such. The flip to this is that he also finds giving me praise very hard. It feels like he holds a deep insecurity, and I feel emotionally burdened to stroke this insecurity regularly.

Examples of things I'm supposed to shut up about would be something like, not saying something if he is speeding in rainy weather. For context, we were in a car accident because of his driving so I feel nervous in the car with him. Or if we are in a disagreement he will say,"I need you to just shut up".

I imagine these are the types of things people just suck up. For some reason I just can't.

OP, is it possible that you are a nagger? I would probably find it annoying if my husband was criticizing everything that I do. Take a moment to sit back and think how often you criticize/complain and how often you uplift. Not everything requires a response. Some women have a tendency to expect our husbands to do things the way we would do them, and criticize when they don't. You may not like how he drives, and it may be unsafe, but it's not up to you to keep criticizing him about it. Either don't allow him to drive you around or, if it's that big of a deal for you, divorce. But you cannot make someone think/do things that you want them to do.

OP here. This is a good point about nagging. What's a reasonable amount of criticism? As in how often is it healthy to criticize? I could be off about this.

Didn't someone already post here about the positive to negative ratio? It's supposed to be like 4 to 1 positive to negative. With kids, spouses, colleagues at work. 4 positive statements/interactions per negative one. But the fact that you are so convinced that other people are sucking this all up has me concerned. If he's pretty good about the 4 to 1 ratio with you, if there are a lot of good times and just a few annoyances, then yeah, suck it up and ignore. But if it's ALL sucking it up, well, that's no way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s easy to get out of control with criticism. You forgot to fill the dog’s water dish. The garbage is full. You left the back door unlocked. You drive too fast. I’m sure most people will try to excuse it like “but it’s a safety issue” or “but I did all the other chores” blah blah the bottom line is, it’s criticism. Just yesterday I realized my husband left our back door unlocked and not even pulled all the way shut, and we live in a busy area so yes it probably was a safety issue. But I also knew he spent all day working in the yard on his day off and was probably just tired and forgot. So I locked it and closed it and never said a word. It didn’t need to be said. So why nag. I choose my battles and criticisms carefully because it’s really easy to poison a relationship by making someone feel like they can’t do anything right.

That depends on whether the other person is reliable. If your partner is generally reliable and they make a mistake once a in a while, then it's not a problem. But if your partner routinely makes mistakes that negatively affect your life, that's a problem.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read all of the responses. But this is a question best directed to your husband. His measure is what matters most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To respond to some points.....his parents relationship is horrible, and we have tried therapy multiple times.

The things I'm noticing are things he has both said, "I need you to just shut up sometimes", and things he acts out (praise issue). The praise is not for things like taking out the trash. I praise those behaviors a lot. He needs praise that I think he's smart, that he is good at his job and such. The flip to this is that he also finds giving me praise very hard. It feels like he holds a deep insecurity, and I feel emotionally burdened to stroke this insecurity regularly.

Examples of things I'm supposed to shut up about would be something like, not saying something if he is speeding in rainy weather. For context, we were in a car accident because of his driving so I feel nervous in the car with him. Or if we are in a disagreement he will say,"I need you to just shut up".

I imagine these are the types of things people just suck up. For some reason I just can't.

OP, is it possible that you are a nagger? I would probably find it annoying if my husband was criticizing everything that I do. Take a moment to sit back and think how often you criticize/complain and how often you uplift. Not everything requires a response. Some women have a tendency to expect our husbands to do things the way we would do them, and criticize when they don't. You may not like how he drives, and it may be unsafe, but it's not up to you to keep criticizing him about it. Either don't allow him to drive you around or, if it's that big of a deal for you, divorce. But you cannot make someone think/do things that you want them to do.

OP here. I was thinking more in terms of weekly, daily, monthly. It's easier for me to track that way. For instance, if I criticized him once every other day for something like speeding or not taking out trash, is that a lot to others? Is more like once a week more typical? I dunno. I will start paying attention to how often I'm doing this. It will be helpful to know how often others do it.

OP here. This is a good point about nagging. What's a reasonable amount of criticism? As in how often is it healthy to criticize? I could be off about this.

Didn't someone already post here about the positive to negative ratio? It's supposed to be like 4 to 1 positive to negative. With kids, spouses, colleagues at work. 4 positive statements/interactions per negative one. But the fact that you are so convinced that other people are sucking this all up has me concerned. If he's pretty good about the 4 to 1 ratio with you, if there are a lot of good times and just a few annoyances, then yeah, suck it up and ignore. But if it's ALL sucking it up, well, that's no way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s easy to get out of control with criticism. You forgot to fill the dog’s water dish. The garbage is full. You left the back door unlocked. You drive too fast. I’m sure most people will try to excuse it like “but it’s a safety issue” or “but I did all the other chores” blah blah the bottom line is, it’s criticism. Just yesterday I realized my husband left our back door unlocked and not even pulled all the way shut, and we live in a busy area so yes it probably was a safety issue. But I also knew he spent all day working in the yard on his day off and was probably just tired and forgot. So I locked it and closed it and never said a word. It didn’t need to be said. So why nag. I choose my battles and criticisms carefully because it’s really easy to poison a relationship by making someone feel like they can’t do anything right.

That depends on whether the other person is reliable. If your partner is generally reliable and they make a mistake once a in a while, then it's not a problem. But if your partner routinely makes mistakes that negatively affect your life, that's a problem.

NP. Yes, a malfunctioning partner is a problem. But two wrongs don’t make a right in marriage. Knowing they have a limitation is all the more reason no All the more reason to not nag and bitch. Focus on getting help and having productive convo instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. And yet. How many of those kindnesses does one do before s/he is taken for granted as the one who always "sweeps up" after the other. It's also easy to get out of control with expecting one's spouse to always be the responsible adult in the family.

Yep. My spouse totally checks out when the nanny, or grandma or I am in the house. kid stuff, messes, yard work, etc. He feels entitled and too important to lock doors, mow the lawn, pick up his old coffee mugs. He leaves his little F U's all over the house and yard. So sexy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s easy to get out of control with criticism. You forgot to fill the dog’s water dish. The garbage is full. You left the back door unlocked. You drive too fast. I’m sure most people will try to excuse it like “but it’s a safety issue” or “but I did all the other chores” blah blah the bottom line is, it’s criticism. Just yesterday I realized my husband left our back door unlocked and not even pulled all the way shut, and we live in a busy area so yes it probably was a safety issue. But I also knew he spent all day working in the yard on his day off and was probably just tired and forgot. So I locked it and closed it and never said a word. It didn’t need to be said. So why nag. I choose my battles and criticisms carefully because it’s really easy to poison a relationship by making someone feel like they can’t do anything right.

That depends on whether the other person is reliable. If your partner is generally reliable and they make a mistake once a in a while, then it's not a problem. But if your partner routinely makes mistakes that negatively affect your life, that's a problem.

NP. Yes, a malfunctioning partner is a problem. But two wrongs don’t make a right in marriage. Knowing they have a limitation is all the more reason no All the more reason to not nag and bitch. Focus on getting help and having productive convo instead.

If someone is malfunctioning they need medical and behavioral help from experts and their spouse, together. If no strong results from that, the malfunctioning partner is not marriage or partner material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on Earth would you marry someone who wants you to "just shut up instead of expressing my opinion a lot of the time." What was dating this person like? Why did you marry him?

So, I’m contemplating ending a dating relationship because I feel we may have this dynamic. But the problem is, when dating, to what degree is it ok to express your opinion? There are things you should be discussing and making joint decisions about when you are married, that you maybe should not if you are just dating.