I don't know how to be a good wife

[Anonymous]

How do you not know this stuff when you are dating? You know, before you married him??

[Anonymous]

If you’re posting, you know he’s not being reasonable. Stop being a doormat and insist he respects that you have your own opinions, and can express them whenever you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you're passive aggressive for sure. So, maybe start there. I obviously don't have any idea if you've accurately characterized your husband or not, but if the way you've framed this post bears any relationship to how you argue with your husband, then I assume your communication with one another is crap.

Totally agree.

There are times my husband is on my nerves, sure. No one has a perfect relationship. But for me it boils down to reminding myself that he is my life partner and I love him very much, and above all I want to be kind to him. That doesn’t mean that I roll over and let him win every argument. But it means that I am open, respectful, we don’t name-call, we don’t curse at each other, we listen to each other. It’s not rocket science. And who cares if he wants praise? If he mows the yard and it looks good, I tell him it looks good. Why is that so hard?

[Anonymous]

Yesterday I was reading a story to our 2 year old. There was a bunny who likes to sleep next to his piggy bank. I made a comment about how Dada was like the bunny when he was a baby. My husband took it as an insult. He said one day our son will see how you insult me. It was totally harmless and a compliment. I hide things and forget where I stash them. Sometimes you can't win OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how to be a good wife. From what I gather, my spouse wants constant praise that he is great, lots of space especially during an argument, and for me to just shut up instead of expressing my opinion a lot of the time. I love my spouse, but I just don't know how to do this. These things seem antithetical to my nature. Do most wives do this? Is there no way I can be a good wife without this? Is there something wrong with me that I have a hard time with this?

It sounds like you and your husband do not know how to have disagreements without making them into personal attacks. It also sounds like you have different communication styles e.g., he needs space to process disagreements and you need to communicate with him about them.

No one NEEDS constant praise, but it's not unreasonable to wish your spouse to be affectionate and appreciative of you. As for wanting you to "shut up and not express your opinion" I suppose it depends on what the opinion is that's being expressed. Does it really need to be expressed to your husband or is it a situation where you could just not comment and it wouldn't change anything?

[Anonymous]

Maybe some couples therapy is in order here? Assuming he is willing to work it out? If he's not willing to work it out...it's time to see whether it's worth sticking around.

[Anonymous]

It really shouldn't be that hard to say honey you did a great job at xyz.
I do it with DW everyday. It could be honey thanks so much for preparing dinner it was great, I'll do the dishes why don't you relax I know you worked hard making this.
Something like that just acknowledges that you appreciate them

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have some different political views. He's also from another country. In the early years of our marriage when we would talk about politics and history, I would often disagree with him. He got upset and accused me of *always* disagreeing with him. To which I responded, "I have different views... if you wanted to be married to someone who *always* agrees with you, then yea, you married the wrong person". He shut up after that. When he disagrees with me, I don't get upset. I just accept that we have different views. I don't know.. I always thought that DH was a very modern man (and liberal), and he wasn't looking for a "submissive" wife, but that argument really opened my eyes. Men, no matter how liberal, don't like to be told that they are wrong, especially by their wives.

Your DH is a snowflake. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how to be a good wife. From what I gather, my spouse wants constant praise that he is great, lots of space especially during an argument, and for me to just shut up instead of expressing my opinion a lot of the time. I love my spouse, but I just don't know how to do this. These things seem antithetical to my nature. Do most wives do this? Is there no way I can be a good wife without this? Is there something wrong with me that I have a hard time with this?

No no and no.

Study his parents relationship and roles to find out how Fd up he may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds reactive and poor me. As though your husband raised a concern he had with the relationship and you have turned it into something dramatic.

I doubt your husband would agree that he needs constant praise or that you aren't allowed to have an opinion. Both people can always work on the relationship but you have to be willing to hear and to open to change.

Giving someone space is usually about respecting their needs - I am not sure what your issue is with giving him space?

+1 If he's really like this, you guys need therapy. If, as PP summarized, he's asking for reasonable boundaries and you're turning into a martyr on the internet, you guys need therapy.

You guys need therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To respond to some points.....his parents relationship is horrible, and we have tried therapy multiple times.

The things I'm noticing are things he has both said, "I need you to just shut up sometimes", and things he acts out (praise issue). The praise is not for things like taking out the trash. I praise those behaviors a lot. He needs praise that I think he's smart, that he is good at his job and such. The flip to this is that he also finds giving me praise very hard. It feels like he holds a deep insecurity, and I feel emotionally burdened to stroke this insecurity regularly.

Examples of things I'm supposed to shut up about would be something like, not saying something if he is speeding in rainy weather. For context, we were in a car accident because of his driving so I feel nervous in the car with him. Or if we are in a disagreement he will say,"I need you to just shut up".

I imagine these are the types of things people just suck up. For some reason I just can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To respond to some points.....his parents relationship is horrible, and we have tried therapy multiple times.

The things I'm noticing are things he has both said, "I need you to just shut up sometimes", and things he acts out (praise issue). The praise is not for things like taking out the trash. I praise those behaviors a lot. He needs praise that I think he's smart, that he is good at his job and such. The flip to this is that he also finds giving me praise very hard. It feels like he holds a deep insecurity, and I feel emotionally burdened to stroke this insecurity regularly.

Examples of things I'm supposed to shut up about would be something like, not saying something if he is speeding in rainy weather. For context, we were in a car accident because of his driving so I feel nervous in the car with him. Or if we are in a disagreement he will say,"I need you to just shut up".

I imagine these are the types of things people just suck up. For some reason I just can't.

You imagine wrong. If my husband routinely told me to shut up I would not stay with him. I don't tell him to shut up either. We've probably each said that to each other 3 times in 8 years - once each in anger (pre-premarital counseling) and the other times in jest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To respond to some points.....his parents relationship is horrible, and we have tried therapy multiple times.

The things I'm noticing are things he has both said, "I need you to just shut up sometimes", and things he acts out (praise issue). The praise is not for things like taking out the trash. I praise those behaviors a lot. He needs praise that I think he's smart, that he is good at his job and such. The flip to this is that he also finds giving me praise very hard. It feels like he holds a deep insecurity, and I feel emotionally burdened to stroke this insecurity regularly.

Examples of things I'm supposed to shut up about would be something like, not saying something if he is speeding in rainy weather. For context, we were in a car accident because of his driving so I feel nervous in the car with him. Or if we are in a disagreement he will say,"I need you to just shut up".

I imagine these are the types of things people just suck up. For some reason I just can't.

Did his request ("I need you to just shut up sometimes") recently appear out of the blue or was he saying this prior to you two getting married? If it's the former then hey...hate to tell ya but you knew what you were getting into.
If it's the latter then hey...you've tried therapy multiple times to no avail. May be time to abandon ship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To respond to some points.....his parents relationship is horrible, and we have tried therapy multiple times.

The things I'm noticing are things he has both said, "I need you to just shut up sometimes", and things he acts out (praise issue). The praise is not for things like taking out the trash. I praise those behaviors a lot. He needs praise that I think he's smart, that he is good at his job and such. The flip to this is that he also finds giving me praise very hard. It feels like he holds a deep insecurity, and I feel emotionally burdened to stroke this insecurity regularly.

Examples of things I'm supposed to shut up about would be something like, not saying something if he is speeding in rainy weather. For context, we were in a car accident because of his driving so I feel nervous in the car with him. Or if we are in a disagreement he will say,"I need you to just shut up".

I imagine these are the types of things people just suck up. For some reason I just can't.

OMG... this is us, too. DH has had multiple speeding tickets, a few accidents; we almost went over a cliff in the mountains because he decided that he is a great driver and can handle going "fast" in the snow. Everyone else was driving slowly, except him. Luckily, we hit the side of the mountain rather than go over the cliff. Then another time, he decided that he was going to drive right by a burning car on the highway, while everyone else was giving the burning car a wide berth. He has passed several stop signs and red lights. But, if I mention any thing about his driving, he get super mad because he thinks he's a great driver, and knows better than anyone else about driving. Oh, and many times, he doesn't pay attention to the road, but instead is too busy looking at what's going on around him. He hit the car in front of him because he was too busy looking around him, and not paying attention to the person in front of him.

But, some of this is obviously a safety issue, so I have yelled "STOP" a few times when he was going full speed heading very close to a stop sign with no signs of him stopping or slowing down. He also drives full speed when everyone else is breaking, which makes him hit his breaks really hard. I don't know if he's not paying attention or just thinking people will move out of his way for him.


I have to grit my teeth so much when he's driving. He has told me that he has to bite his tongue sometimes with me, thinking that he is the only one who has done this in our relationship. Wow. The fragile male ego.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your husband is a narcissist where he needs constant praise and to be in charge. Either have a heart to heart talk with him or continue to face it. If he can’t change move on because life as a door mat stinks.