I don't know how to be a good wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on Earth would you marry someone who wants you to "just shut up instead of expressing my opinion a lot of the time." What was dating this person like? Why did you marry him?

So, I’m contemplating ending a dating relationship because I feel we may have this dynamic. But the problem is, when dating, to what degree is it ok to express your opinion? There are things you should be discussing and making joint decisions about when you are married, that you maybe should not if you are just dating.

Girl, run, don't walk, away! You should express your opinion on EVERYTHING while you are dating, and be respectful too! This is when you are learning about each other and figuring out your needs. If you are holding back your opinion now holy hell it is going to be a terrible road for you.

[Anonymous]

BJs

[Anonymous]

DCUM has some unhinged men haters. Yes, you.

[Anonymous]

It should be rare that you are critical and criticize your spouse. That you are asking how many times a day would be fair to criticize your husband says you are definitely part of the problem in this marriage.

If a guy came on here saying, his wife wants validation, space during arguments, and doesn't want to hear his opinion and he is wondering how many times a day he can criticize her - no one would be blaming the wife

[Anonymous]

OP here. I do not criticize my spouse daily. I was asking for measurement in days, because that's something I could more easily be cognizant of. Maybe criticizing once a month is typical? I don't know, that's why i asked others for feedback. I never mentioned how much I criticize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BJs

Not the answer. I enthusiastically gave them..DH couldn’t deal with the kids and bailed.

[Anonymous]

Blow jobs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BJs

Not the answer. I enthusiastically gave them..DH couldn’t deal with the kids and bailed.

Maybe you didn’t do it right.

[Anonymous]

A couples therapist can help you learn if that is actually what DH is saying and if so, if you can/are willing to change.

The therapist will more likely help you learn that this is not in fact what DH is saying and will help both of you communicate better your needs and abilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how to be a good wife. From what I gather, my spouse wants constant praise that he is great, lots of space especially during an argument, and for me to just shut up instead of expressing my opinion a lot of the time. I love my spouse, but I just don't know how to do this. These things seem antithetical to my nature. Do most wives do this? Is there no way I can be a good wife without this? Is there something wrong with me that I have a hard time with this?

My first DH had me convinced I could not be a good wife for exactly the reasons you listed. The result is that I was miserable in that marriage until I left AND I delayed marrying my second DH for fear I couldn’t be a good wife. So DH and I lost about two years when we could have been married but I thought I was protecting us. We worked through that in therapy, but will never get back those years. Plus, my ex pulled the same crap with his second wife. She was smart enough to pull the plug earlier.

[Anonymous]

One time or very rare thing with no or low consequences, I wouldn’t say anything. Frequent issue and the spouse fails to address it despite consequences, there’s a problem. Our former neighbor didn’t want his wife to “nag” him, he’d get around to it when he was ready and she should get off his back. So she did. Then the dead tree fell on their fence and three parked cars. Luckily, no one was hurt, but it was financially devastating for them and she divorced him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To respond to some points.....his parents relationship is horrible, and we have tried therapy multiple times.

The things I'm noticing are things he has both said, "I need you to just shut up sometimes", and things he acts out (praise issue). The praise is not for things like taking out the trash. I praise those behaviors a lot. He needs praise that I think he's smart, that he is good at his job and such. The flip to this is that he also finds giving me praise very hard. It feels like he holds a deep insecurity, and I feel emotionally burdened to stroke this insecurity regularly.

Examples of things I'm supposed to shut up about would be something like, not saying something if he is speeding in rainy weather. For context, we were in a car accident because of his driving so I feel nervous in the car with him. Or if we are in a disagreement he will say,"I need you to just shut up".

I imagine these are the types of things people just suck up. For some reason I just can't.

OMG... this is us, too. DH has had multiple speeding tickets, a few accidents; we almost went over a cliff in the mountains because he decided that he is a great driver and can handle going "fast" in the snow. Everyone else was driving slowly, except him. Luckily, we hit the side of the mountain rather than go over the cliff. Then another time, he decided that he was going to drive right by a burning car on the highway, while everyone else was giving the burning car a wide berth. He has passed several stop signs and red lights. But, if I mention any thing about his driving, he get super mad because he thinks he's a great driver, and knows better than anyone else about driving. Oh, and many times, he doesn't pay attention to the road, but instead is too busy looking at what's going on around him. He hit the car in front of him because he was too busy looking around him, and not paying attention to the person in front of him.

But, some of this is obviously a safety issue, so I have yelled "STOP" a few times when he was going full speed heading very close to a stop sign with no signs of him stopping or slowing down. He also drives full speed when everyone else is breaking, which makes him hit his breaks really hard. I don't know if he's not paying attention or just thinking people will move out of his way for him.


I have to grit my teeth so much when he's driving. He has told me that he has to bite his tongue sometimes with me, thinking that he is the only one who has done this in our relationship. Wow. The fragile male ego.

This sounds like it needs its own thread! Sounds like you really are putting your life at risk when you ride with him. Maybe when he hit the mountainside it was because he's very good at responding to a dangerous situation he has created, but . . .

[Anonymous]

Husbands love your wives (this means self sacrifice putting her needs and wants above your own)

Wives respect your husbands (yes this means occasional praise and keeping nagging to a minimum)

For a successful marriage both partners have to be doing these things

[Anonymous]

What your husband wants is a totally submissive wife.

And no way will you sell yourself out just to make him happy.

Either he accepts you as you are, or he can leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husbands love your wives (this means self sacrifice putting her needs and wants above your own)

Wives respect your husbands (yes this means occasional praise and keeping nagging to a minimum)

For a successful marriage both partners have to be doing these things

What kind of praise? Seriously asking. I am not a nagger, but don't know if I'm praising enough or the right stuff.