Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is in his shoes, I fault the guy tremendously for participating in that article, which clearly accomplishes nothing but cause his ex more pain and embarrassment. I also believe that the guy’s decision to put his kids in a conservative Christian school and allowing them to be raised thinking the way they did was unforgivable.

Having said that, the reactions of many of the women on this thread to the article confirms my decision never, ever to come out at this point. With each passing day one becomes more and more boxed into what was a stupid decision made years ago - while young, hopeful, and naive - but certainly was not a decision made maliciously or with any intent to hurt or mislead.

I think you can learn by the mistakes that he made. How old are your children? How is your relationship with your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He came out at 42, so soon enough to live his life fully and enjoy his youth. But too far into a marriage to not have it devastate someone else.

"I was 42 years old when I came out to my wife. It was 15 months later that I started that same conversation with my three boys -- 9-year-old twins and an 11-year-old.

The whole experience is somewhat of a blur, mostly in part to the fact that at that point in my life there was a lot of change happening and some significant pent-up emotions. There wasn't much of a plan, no guidebook in hand, only goals that I hoped my boys would start the process of understanding and accepting their dad for whom I truly was: a gay man.

...

When the moment to break the news to my kids finally came, I had a lot of issues to navigate. Over 15 months, I had finalized the divorce, moved again and taken a new job based in Chicago, 250 miles away from my boys. The distance was to create some space between my now ex-wife, who struggled being in proximity to me."

I think his reason for moving is bogus. Of course his wife struggled- he didn't give her time to come to terms with it before he left and then she was left holding down the fort and dealing with the implosion of her marriage. They were already in a large enough metro area to get some space. I think he needs to look at his real motivations for abandoning his children in a time of crisis.

I think this ‘time to come to terms’ with crap is bogus.

How much time did she need? The divorce happened over a 15-month period. Was he supposed to pray the gay away in couple’s therapy with her for two years??

[Anonymous]

My first thought was that an affair is worse, because it’s an intentional betrayal of trust. But some people’s marriages manage to survive infidelity and become reasonably happy marriages again. If your spouse is gay, you lose him 100%, for sure. No chance of staying together happily. So maybe that’s worse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is in his shoes, I fault the guy tremendously for participating in that article, which clearly accomplishes nothing but cause his ex more pain and embarrassment. I also believe that the guy’s decision to put his kids in a conservative Christian school and allowing them to be raised thinking the way they did was unforgivable.

Having said that, the reactions of many of the women on this thread to the article confirms my decision never, ever to come out at this point. With each passing day one becomes more and more boxed into what was a stupid decision made years ago - while young, hopeful, and naive - but certainly was not a decision made maliciously or with any intent to hurt or mislead.

The women are reacting to being left to parent children alone. You are not ready to accept the consequences of your actions. You chose to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is in his shoes, I fault the guy tremendously for participating in that article, which clearly accomplishes nothing but cause his ex more pain and embarrassment. I also believe that the guy’s decision to put his kids in a conservative Christian school and allowing them to be raised thinking the way they did was unforgivable.

Having said that, the reactions of many of the women on this thread to the article confirms my decision never, ever to come out at this point. With each passing day one becomes more and more boxed into what was a stupid decision made years ago - while young, hopeful, and naive - but certainly was not a decision made maliciously or with any intent to hurt or mislead.

The women are reacting to being left to parent children alone. You are not ready to accept the consequences of your actions. You chose to get married.

And there has only been one negative response to him coming out. I am from Detroit and there is enough space, and a large enough community there (and here) for him to find a new life. Do not blame your decision to remain in the closet in a marriage on our responses. Repeat, you do not leave your kids. He could have moved away for a few months to clear his head and then move back.

Why didn't he choose to take the boys with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is in his shoes, I fault the guy tremendously for participating in that article, which clearly accomplishes nothing but cause his ex more pain and embarrassment. I also believe that the guy’s decision to put his kids in a conservative Christian school and allowing them to be raised thinking the way they did was unforgivable.

Having said that, the reactions of many of the women on this thread to the article confirms my decision never, ever to come out at this point. With each passing day one becomes more and more boxed into what was a stupid decision made years ago - while young, hopeful, and naive - but certainly was not a decision made maliciously or with any intent to hurt or mislead.

Sorry, but you didn’t have to make that decision. Gay men are out in every part of the country, happy, productive, in healthy relationships, etc.
You lacked/lack courage, and it’s your fault. I feel bad for your family. There are closeted gay men all over and I have zero sympathy for them. It didn’t have to be.

[Anonymous]

Worse if husband was gay. Your ENTIRE marriage has been a sham. I would feel like a total joke.

At least if they just cheated with another woman, there was a possibility that they truly were in love with you at the start of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worse if husband was gay. Your ENTIRE marriage has been a sham. I would feel like a total joke.

At least if they just cheated with another woman, there was a possibility that they truly were in love with you at the start of the marriage.

+1
Yep. THIS.

Devastating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is in his shoes, I fault the guy tremendously for participating in that article, which clearly accomplishes nothing but cause his ex more pain and embarrassment. I also believe that the guy’s decision to put his kids in a conservative Christian school and allowing them to be raised thinking the way they did was unforgivable.

Having said that, the reactions of many of the women on this thread to the article confirms my decision never, ever to come out at this point. With each passing day one becomes more and more boxed into what was a stupid decision made years ago - while young, hopeful, and naive - but certainly was not a decision made maliciously or with any intent to hurt or mislead.

The women are reacting to being left to parent children alone. You are not ready to accept the consequences of your actions. You chose to get married.

And there has only been one negative response to him coming out. I am from Detroit and there is enough space, and a large enough community there (and here) for him to find a new life. Do not blame your decision to remain in the closet in a marriage on our responses. Repeat, you do not leave your kids. He could have moved away for a few months to clear his head and then move back.

Why didn't he choose to take the boys with him?

Because the gay scene isn’t the proper place for mid-teen boys?

I mean the husband already had a live-in boyfriend. Doubt mom would be interested in that living arrangement. If you read the article he gets hotels for the weekends with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is in his shoes, I fault the guy tremendously for participating in that article, which clearly accomplishes nothing but cause his ex more pain and embarrassment. I also believe that the guy’s decision to put his kids in a conservative Christian school and allowing them to be raised thinking the way they did was unforgivable.

Having said that, the reactions of many of the women on this thread to the article confirms my decision never, ever to come out at this point. With each passing day one becomes more and more boxed into what was a stupid decision made years ago - while young, hopeful, and naive - but certainly was not a decision made maliciously or with any intent to hurt or mislead.

The women are reacting to being left to parent children alone. You are not ready to accept the consequences of your actions. You chose to get married.

And there has only been one negative response to him coming out. I am from Detroit and there is enough space, and a large enough community there (and here) for him to find a new life. Do not blame your decision to remain in the closet in a marriage on our responses. Repeat, you do not leave your kids. He could have moved away for a few months to clear his head and then move back.

That is a very negative stereotype. If that is what his guilty compromise in with the custody arrangements, I can understand that. Gay men are excellent fathers who are active, positive role models for all children. Again, do not leave your kids!

Why didn't he choose to take the boys with him?

Because the gay scene isn’t the proper place for mid-teen boys?

I mean the husband already had a live-in boyfriend. Doubt mom would be interested in that living arrangement. If you read the article he gets hotels for the weekends with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is in his shoes, I fault the guy tremendously for participating in that article, which clearly accomplishes nothing but cause his ex more pain and embarrassment. I also believe that the guy’s decision to put his kids in a conservative Christian school and allowing them to be raised thinking the way they did was unforgivable.

Having said that, the reactions of many of the women on this thread to the article confirms my decision never, ever to come out at this point. With each passing day one becomes more and more boxed into what was a stupid decision made years ago - while young, hopeful, and naive - but certainly was not a decision made maliciously or with any intent to hurt or mislead.

Have your read "the Lie"? A similar story that was a free kindle prime read this month. It's about a man coming out after 20 years of marriage. I was impressed with his accountability and understanding of how deeply he hurt his wife.

[Anonymous]

Y'all got a lotta time on your hands wondering about some off the wall stuff.

Which is worse having a leg gnarled off at the knee by an alligator or having Dick Cheney shoot your leg off at the knee with a shotgun?

[Anonymous]

We have a family friend that came out after 20+ years of marriage; two teenagers. He bought a property two houses down from his ex-wife and kids. I am sure it was not easy for them, but he is there for his kids 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all got a lotta time on your hands wondering about some off the wall stuff.

Which is worse having a leg gnarled off at the knee by an alligator or having Dick Cheney shoot your leg off at the knee with a shotgun?

You still missing a leg

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read the article, but if my spouse did that (and we’ve been married 13 yrs with kids), I think I would be accepting and empathetic- so long as he remained a great father to our kids and paid up the nose in alimony and child support.