Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?

[Anonymous]

Affair is MUCH worse. Gay is who you are. Affair is a character flaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced woman, my ex-husband cheated on me. Here’s my take.

Since middle school I’ve known I’m bisexual. As a teen and a young woman, I sought relationships with women. I understand why gays and lesbians keep us bi’s at arm’s length - we have the relative luxury of being able to “hide” behind the security of a hetero relationship.

Dating women was difficult. I remember making out with a girl on a date and having a man ask if he could watch, then hit on my date. It’s apples and oranges. There’s an immediate respectability you feel as a half of a straight couple that’s just not afforded when you’re part of a gay couple. That is the society we live in, period.

Did this man handle the situation as best he could? Probably not. Are there real and serious challenges facing gay people in our society today? No question. He did his best every step of the way. I’m sure his ex is hurt, but he hurt for decades of his life. He loves his sons and he’s trying to be true to himself while honoring his responsibility as a dad.

Your post is well written and really the only kind of response that I respect.

People are not perfect. And that includes every single one of us. We all make mistakes. It doesn't justify actions, but people should not be condemned for life but given the chance to rehabilitate and to move forward.

I agree. But acknowledge you’ve messed someone else’s life up in ways I don’t think you comprehend and be graceful.

This exactly. He could have stayed until the kids were in college. The pain of the divorce and single parenting three boys might have made his ex focus more on his sexual orientation more.

10+ years is a long time to be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Affair is MUCH worse. Gay is who you are. Affair is a character flaw.

Interesting reasoning, lol.
A gay affair is still an affair, and so it is also a character flaw. In addition, you’re gay, so you never were in love with your spouse to begin with. Ouch!! Double whammy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair is MUCH worse. Gay is who you are. Affair is a character flaw.

Interesting reasoning, lol.
A gay affair is still an affair, and so it is also a character flaw. In addition, you’re gay, so you never were in love with your spouse to begin with. Ouch!! Double whammy.

When you come from an ultra religious family gay isn't even an option, and saying you weren't in love ever is a little harsh. The gay spouse was trying, and likely does LOVE spouse (but isn't attracted to him/her). I see it as growth.

My uncle is gay. He's also married to my aunt. Everybody knows he's gay. He's always had his "boys" (affairs? maybe. Maybe not I don't care to know). But he can't won't admit it because it is not how he sees himself as a Christian as a father, as a man. Yes, a lot of that is changing. But still a problem. My best friend's nephew is super religious. He's now married to an apparent dyke who is at least 15 years older than him. He's probably gay. But he can't see won't see won't admit doesn't want to be gay. I'm sure he and his wife aren't having sex. She likes women. He likes men. They found each other as a way to be respectable without being outside of their church community.

[Anonymous]

Gay is worse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair is MUCH worse. Gay is who you are. Affair is a character flaw.

Interesting reasoning, lol.
A gay affair is still an affair, and so it is also a character flaw. In addition, you’re gay, so you never were in love with your spouse to begin with. Ouch!! Double whammy.

When you come from an ultra religious family gay isn't even an option, and saying you weren't in love ever is a little harsh. The gay spouse was trying, and likely does LOVE spouse (but isn't attracted to him/her). I see it as growth.

My uncle is gay. He's also married to my aunt. Everybody knows he's gay. He's always had his "boys" (affairs? maybe. Maybe not I don't care to know). But he can't won't admit it because it is not how he sees himself as a Christian as a father, as a man. Yes, a lot of that is changing. But still a problem. My best friend's nephew is super religious. He's now married to an apparent dyke who is at least 15 years older than him. He's probably gay. But he can't see won't see won't admit doesn't want to be gay. I'm sure he and his wife aren't having sex. She likes women. He likes men. They found each other as a way to be respectable without being outside of their church community.

If both sides of the marriage is privy and ok with the situation then that’s one thing. But to conceal it from your partner is such a betrayal. A gay husband or wife who hides their true identity is much worse than simply cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair is MUCH worse. Gay is who you are. Affair is a character flaw.

Interesting reasoning, lol.
A gay affair is still an affair, and so it is also a character flaw. In addition, you’re gay, so you never were in love with your spouse to begin with. Ouch!! Double whammy.

When you come from an ultra religious family gay isn't even an option, and saying you weren't in love ever is a little harsh. The gay spouse was trying, and likely does LOVE spouse (but isn't attracted to him/her). I see it as growth.

My uncle is gay. He's also married to my aunt. Everybody knows he's gay. He's always had his "boys" (affairs? maybe. Maybe not I don't care to know). But he can't won't admit it because it is not how he sees himself as a Christian as a father, as a man. Yes, a lot of that is changing. But still a problem. My best friend's nephew is super religious. He's now married to an apparent dyke who is at least 15 years older than him. He's probably gay. But he can't see won't see won't admit doesn't want to be gay. I'm sure he and his wife aren't having sex. She likes women. He likes men. They found each other as a way to be respectable without being outside of their church community.

If both sides of the marriage is privy and ok with the situation then that’s one thing. But to conceal it from your partner is such a betrayal. A gay husband or wife who hides their true identity is much worse than simply cheating

I don't think they're concealing it; they more often than not haven't come to terms with it themselves. Some literally think they would be struck down by God if they even contemplated it. It's so incredibly myopic and ignorant of sexuality and society to act like staying DEEP in the closet in a hetero relationship is some consipiracy to hide your identity. Their identities are not fully formed, but the only one that is "allowed" is a straight identity. These people are generally suffering (and many do kill themselves), not hanging out drinking with the Bros at Manhole discussing PRIDE outfits and laughing about how hilarious it is one of them really pulled a fast one on Karen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair is MUCH worse. Gay is who you are. Affair is a character flaw.

Interesting reasoning, lol.
A gay affair is still an affair, and so it is also a character flaw. In addition, you’re gay, so you never were in love with your spouse to begin with. Ouch!! Double whammy.

When you come from an ultra religious family gay isn't even an option, and saying you weren't in love ever is a little harsh. The gay spouse was trying, and likely does LOVE spouse (but isn't attracted to him/her). I see it as growth.

My uncle is gay. He's also married to my aunt. Everybody knows he's gay. He's always had his "boys" (affairs? maybe. Maybe not I don't care to know). But he can't won't admit it because it is not how he sees himself as a Christian as a father, as a man. Yes, a lot of that is changing. But still a problem. My best friend's nephew is super religious. He's now married to an apparent dyke who is at least 15 years older than him. He's probably gay. But he can't see won't see won't admit doesn't want to be gay. I'm sure he and his wife aren't having sex. She likes women. He likes men. They found each other as a way to be respectable without being outside of their church community.

If both sides of the marriage is privy and ok with the situation then that’s one thing. But to conceal it from your partner is such a betrayal. A gay husband or wife who hides their true identity is much worse than simply cheating

I don't think they're concealing it; they more often than not haven't come to terms with it themselves. Some literally think they would be struck down by God if they even contemplated it. It's so incredibly myopic and ignorant of sexuality and society to act like staying DEEP in the closet in a hetero relationship is some consipiracy to hide your identity. Their identities are not fully formed, but the only one that is "allowed" is a straight identity. These people are generally suffering (and many do kill themselves), not hanging out drinking with the Bros at Manhole discussing PRIDE outfits and laughing about how hilarious it is one of them really pulled a fast one on Karen.

Nope, still don’t feel sorry for them. Their spouses are the victims. They are not. They are cowards and selfish in that they will ruin someone else’s whole life bc they are too afraid to be who they really are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair is MUCH worse. Gay is who you are. Affair is a character flaw.

Interesting reasoning, lol.
A gay affair is still an affair, and so it is also a character flaw. In addition, you’re gay, so you never were in love with your spouse to begin with. Ouch!! Double whammy.

When you come from an ultra religious family gay isn't even an option, and saying you weren't in love ever is a little harsh. The gay spouse was trying, and likely does LOVE spouse (but isn't attracted to him/her). I see it as growth.

My uncle is gay. He's also married to my aunt. Everybody knows he's gay. He's always had his "boys" (affairs? maybe. Maybe not I don't care to know). But he can't won't admit it because it is not how he sees himself as a Christian as a father, as a man. Yes, a lot of that is changing. But still a problem. My best friend's nephew is super religious. He's now married to an apparent dyke who is at least 15 years older than him. He's probably gay. But he can't see won't see won't admit doesn't want to be gay. I'm sure he and his wife aren't having sex. She likes women. He likes men. They found each other as a way to be respectable without being outside of their church community.

If both sides of the marriage is privy and ok with the situation then that’s one thing. But to conceal it from your partner is such a betrayal. A gay husband or wife who hides their true identity is much worse than simply cheating

I don't think they're concealing it; they more often than not haven't come to terms with it themselves. Some literally think they would be struck down by God if they even contemplated it. It's so incredibly myopic and ignorant of sexuality and society to act like staying DEEP in the closet in a hetero relationship is some consipiracy to hide your identity. Their identities are not fully formed, but the only one that is "allowed" is a straight identity. These people are generally suffering (and many do kill themselves), not hanging out drinking with the Bros at Manhole discussing PRIDE outfits and laughing about how hilarious it is one of them really pulled a fast one on Karen.

Thank you, yes. The two men i cited would never call themselves gay. You explained it really well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair is MUCH worse. Gay is who you are. Affair is a character flaw.

Interesting reasoning, lol.
A gay affair is still an affair, and so it is also a character flaw. In addition, you’re gay, so you never were in love with your spouse to begin with. Ouch!! Double whammy.

When you come from an ultra religious family gay isn't even an option, and saying you weren't in love ever is a little harsh. The gay spouse was trying, and likely does LOVE spouse (but isn't attracted to him/her). I see it as growth.

My uncle is gay. He's also married to my aunt. Everybody knows he's gay. He's always had his "boys" (affairs? maybe. Maybe not I don't care to know). But he can't won't admit it because it is not how he sees himself as a Christian as a father, as a man. Yes, a lot of that is changing. But still a problem. My best friend's nephew is super religious. He's now married to an apparent dyke who is at least 15 years older than him. He's probably gay. But he can't see won't see won't admit doesn't want to be gay. I'm sure he and his wife aren't having sex. She likes women. He likes men. They found each other as a way to be respectable without being outside of their church community.

If both sides of the marriage is privy and ok with the situation then that’s one thing. But to conceal it from your partner is such a betrayal. A gay husband or wife who hides their true identity is much worse than simply cheating

I don't think they're concealing it; they more often than not haven't come to terms with it themselves. Some literally think they would be struck down by God if they even contemplated it. It's so incredibly myopic and ignorant of sexuality and society to act like staying DEEP in the closet in a hetero relationship is some consipiracy to hide your identity. Their identities are not fully formed, but the only one that is "allowed" is a straight identity. These people are generally suffering (and many do kill themselves), not hanging out drinking with the Bros at Manhole discussing PRIDE outfits and laughing about how hilarious it is one of them really pulled a fast one on Karen.

Nope, still don’t feel sorry for them. Their spouses are the victims. They are not. They are cowards and selfish in that they will ruin someone else’s whole life bc they are too afraid to be who they really are.

So divorce, "ruins your whole life?" Because straight couples divorce all the time over myriad issues, and I don't think it should generally mean you call it quits, life is OVER. In many cases within certain communities, the spouses can even border on enablers, not victims. It would ruin their spouses lives to express doubts even during courtship, better to dive in deep and get right with the lord in hetero marriage. Literally not discussed, cover your ears and say, la! la! la! I just think you have a really simplistic view on how this usually goes down. A villain and victim perpective is generally not apt. There is nuance.

[Anonymous]

Gay would be worse. I could deal with a betrayal, but knowing a decade or more of my life was a total lie? That would be much more difficult IMO.

[Anonymous]

If my DH came out as gay, I’d tell friends and family he died. I’d never speak to him again. Why? Because lying and trolling me are shitty. Nothing wrong with being gay, but tons wrong with hiding it and in-essence basing the marriage on a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair is MUCH worse. Gay is who you are. Affair is a character flaw.

Interesting reasoning, lol.
A gay affair is still an affair, and so it is also a character flaw. In addition, you’re gay, so you never were in love with your spouse to begin with. Ouch!! Double whammy.

When you come from an ultra religious family gay isn't even an option, and saying you weren't in love ever is a little harsh. The gay spouse was trying, and likely does LOVE spouse (but isn't attracted to him/her). I see it as growth.

My uncle is gay. He's also married to my aunt. Everybody knows he's gay. He's always had his "boys" (affairs? maybe. Maybe not I don't care to know). But he can't won't admit it because it is not how he sees himself as a Christian as a father, as a man. Yes, a lot of that is changing. But still a problem. My best friend's nephew is super religious. He's now married to an apparent dyke who is at least 15 years older than him. He's probably gay. But he can't see won't see won't admit doesn't want to be gay. I'm sure he and his wife aren't having sex. She likes women. He likes men. They found each other as a way to be respectable without being outside of their church community.

If both sides of the marriage is privy and ok with the situation then that’s one thing. But to conceal it from your partner is such a betrayal. A gay husband or wife who hides their true identity is much worse than simply cheating

I don't think they're concealing it; they more often than not haven't come to terms with it themselves. Some literally think they would be struck down by God if they even contemplated it. It's so incredibly myopic and ignorant of sexuality and society to act like staying DEEP in the closet in a hetero relationship is some consipiracy to hide your identity. Their identities are not fully formed, but the only one that is "allowed" is a straight identity. These people are generally suffering (and many do kill themselves), not hanging out drinking with the Bros at Manhole discussing PRIDE outfits and laughing about how hilarious it is one of them really pulled a fast one on Karen.

Nope, still don’t feel sorry for them. Their spouses are the victims. They are not. They are cowards and selfish in that they will ruin someone else’s whole life bc they are too afraid to be who they really are.

So divorce, "ruins your whole life?" Because straight couples divorce all the time over myriad issues, and I don't think it should generally mean you call it quits, life is OVER. In many cases within certain communities, the spouses can even border on enablers, not victims. It would ruin their spouses lives to express doubts even during courtship, better to dive in deep and get right with the lord in hetero marriage. Literally not discussed, cover your ears and say, la! la! la! I just think you have a really simplistic view on how this usually goes down. A villain and victim perpective is generally not apt. There is nuance.

I didn’t say divorce ruins your life. It’s being tricked into marrying a gay person that isn’t really in love with you that ruins your life. Your life has become a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair is MUCH worse. Gay is who you are. Affair is a character flaw.

Interesting reasoning, lol.
A gay affair is still an affair, and so it is also a character flaw. In addition, you’re gay, so you never were in love with your spouse to begin with. Ouch!! Double whammy.

When you come from an ultra religious family gay isn't even an option, and saying you weren't in love ever is a little harsh. The gay spouse was trying, and likely does LOVE spouse (but isn't attracted to him/her). I see it as growth.

My uncle is gay. He's also married to my aunt. Everybody knows he's gay. He's always had his "boys" (affairs? maybe. Maybe not I don't care to know). But he can't won't admit it because it is not how he sees himself as a Christian as a father, as a man. Yes, a lot of that is changing. But still a problem. My best friend's nephew is super religious. He's now married to an apparent dyke who is at least 15 years older than him. He's probably gay. But he can't see won't see won't admit doesn't want to be gay. I'm sure he and his wife aren't having sex. She likes women. He likes men. They found each other as a way to be respectable without being outside of their church community.

If both sides of the marriage is privy and ok with the situation then that’s one thing. But to conceal it from your partner is such a betrayal. A gay husband or wife who hides their true identity is much worse than simply cheating

I don't think they're concealing it; they more often than not haven't come to terms with it themselves. Some literally think they would be struck down by God if they even contemplated it. It's so incredibly myopic and ignorant of sexuality and society to act like staying DEEP in the closet in a hetero relationship is some consipiracy to hide your identity. Their identities are not fully formed, but the only one that is "allowed" is a straight identity. These people are generally suffering (and many do kill themselves), not hanging out drinking with the Bros at Manhole discussing PRIDE outfits and laughing about how hilarious it is one of them really pulled a fast one on Karen.

Nope, still don’t feel sorry for them. Their spouses are the victims. They are not. They are cowards and selfish in that they will ruin someone else’s whole life bc they are too afraid to be who they really are.

So divorce, "ruins your whole life?" Because straight couples divorce all the time over myriad issues, and I don't think it should generally mean you call it quits, life is OVER. In many cases within certain communities, the spouses can even border on enablers, not victims. It would ruin their spouses lives to express doubts even during courtship, better to dive in deep and get right with the lord in hetero marriage. Literally not discussed, cover your ears and say, la! la! la! I just think you have a really simplistic view on how this usually goes down. A villain and victim perpective is generally not apt. There is nuance.

I didn’t say divorce ruins your life. It’s being tricked into marrying a gay person that isn’t really in love with you that ruins your life. Your life has become a lie.

They could be very much in love with you and just not sexually attracted to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair is MUCH worse. Gay is who you are. Affair is a character flaw.

Interesting reasoning, lol.
A gay affair is still an affair, and so it is also a character flaw. In addition, you’re gay, so you never were in love with your spouse to begin with. Ouch!! Double whammy.

When you come from an ultra religious family gay isn't even an option, and saying you weren't in love ever is a little harsh. The gay spouse was trying, and likely does LOVE spouse (but isn't attracted to him/her). I see it as growth.

My uncle is gay. He's also married to my aunt. Everybody knows he's gay. He's always had his "boys" (affairs? maybe. Maybe not I don't care to know). But he can't won't admit it because it is not how he sees himself as a Christian as a father, as a man. Yes, a lot of that is changing. But still a problem. My best friend's nephew is super religious. He's now married to an apparent dyke who is at least 15 years older than him. He's probably gay. But he can't see won't see won't admit doesn't want to be gay. I'm sure he and his wife aren't having sex. She likes women. He likes men. They found each other as a way to be respectable without being outside of their church community.

If both sides of the marriage is privy and ok with the situation then that’s one thing. But to conceal it from your partner is such a betrayal. A gay husband or wife who hides their true identity is much worse than simply cheating

I don't think they're concealing it; they more often than not haven't come to terms with it themselves. Some literally think they would be struck down by God if they even contemplated it. It's so incredibly myopic and ignorant of sexuality and society to act like staying DEEP in the closet in a hetero relationship is some consipiracy to hide your identity. Their identities are not fully formed, but the only one that is "allowed" is a straight identity. These people are generally suffering (and many do kill themselves), not hanging out drinking with the Bros at Manhole discussing PRIDE outfits and laughing about how hilarious it is one of them really pulled a fast one on Karen.

Nope, still don’t feel sorry for them. Their spouses are the victims. They are not. They are cowards and selfish in that they will ruin someone else’s whole life bc they are too afraid to be who they really are.

Real easy for you to say.