Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering how many of the posters who have had comments about not knowing how the straight spouse could not know would also blame the faithful spouse in a cheating situation?
Another factor to consider: when your spouse cheats in a heterosexual situation, you get to just be angry. No one can fault you for that. When your spouse comes out as gay, it is hard to just be angry without it being misinterpreted as some level of bigotry.
Being closeted is a deeply complex situation. Let us not judge something we have not experienced.

You say this but then you compare the 'awareness' levels between having a gay spouse and an unfaithful spouse as similar. They are not remotely in the same stratosphere.

One can cheat once or over a long period of time but its a choice that you take. Being gay is something that is intrinsic to your being and for your own spouse not to 'see' part of you means they weren't looking hard enough.

What was I supposed to look for ? In my case: she said no relationships with women before me, great sex before marriage but became dismal after 3 kids and years of marriage. Obviously if I had known she was gay I would not have had kids with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering how many of the posters who have had comments about not knowing how the straight spouse could not know would also blame the faithful spouse in a cheating situation?
Another factor to consider: when your spouse cheats in a heterosexual situation, you get to just be angry. No one can fault you for that. When your spouse comes out as gay, it is hard to just be angry without it being misinterpreted as some level of bigotry.
Being closeted is a deeply complex situation. Let us not judge something we have not experienced.

You say this but then you compare the 'awareness' levels between having a gay spouse and an unfaithful spouse as similar. They are not remotely in the same stratosphere.

One can cheat once or over a long period of time but its a choice that you take. Being gay is something that is intrinsic to your being and for your own spouse not to 'see' part of you means they weren't looking hard enough.

What was I supposed to look for ? In my case: she said no relationships with women before me, great sex before marriage but became dismal after 3 kids and years of marriage. Obviously if I had known she was gay I would not have had kids with her.

The fact that she's a great liar? You don't just wake up after 3 kids and years of great sex to realize you actually don't prefer d*ck. Did she take tons of girls' trip? Who did she date before you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually know not one but FOUR gay men who used to be married to women.

How the women ever believed any of them were straight is beyond comprehension.

This happened to my aunt but they were married 25 years ago. I don’t get why this is still happening today. He used to drive me nuts with his homophobic blathering, but now I see that was part of his cover.

Probably because lots of people still getting married young with all the expectations that conveys. Don't want to be 'different' and out themselves to family and long-term communities, so they choose to the hide until they can't or won't anymore.

Lots of religious whackos in this country trying to pray away the gay. Very sad all the brainwashing that occurs still

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering how many of the posters who have had comments about not knowing how the straight spouse could not know would also blame the faithful spouse in a cheating situation?
Another factor to consider: when your spouse cheats in a heterosexual situation, you get to just be angry. No one can fault you for that. When your spouse comes out as gay, it is hard to just be angry without it being misinterpreted as some level of bigotry.
Being closeted is a deeply complex situation. Let us not judge something we have not experienced.

You say this but then you compare the 'awareness' levels between having a gay spouse and an unfaithful spouse as similar. They are not remotely in the same stratosphere.

One can cheat once or over a long period of time but its a choice that you take. Being gay is something that is intrinsic to your being and for your own spouse not to 'see' part of you means they weren't looking hard enough.

What was I supposed to look for ? In my case: she said no relationships with women before me, great sex before marriage but became dismal after 3 kids and years of marriage. Obviously if I had known she was gay I would not have had kids with her.

The fact that she's a great liar? You don't just wake up after 3 kids and years of great sex to realize you actually don't prefer d*ck. Did she take tons of girls' trip? Who did she date before you?

Yes - brilliant liar. But perhaps you aren’t born gay and you do wake up and think that. No girls trips and 18 other guys. Personally i think she was a very good liar.

[Anonymous]

I am a divorced woman, my ex-husband cheated on me. Here’s my take.

Since middle school I’ve known I’m bisexual. As a teen and a young woman, I sought relationships with women. I understand why gays and lesbians keep us bi’s at arm’s length - we have the relative luxury of being able to “hide” behind the security of a hetero relationship.

Dating women was difficult. I remember making out with a girl on a date and having a man ask if he could watch, then hit on my date. It’s apples and oranges. There’s an immediate respectability you feel as a half of a straight couple that’s just not afforded when you’re part of a gay couple. That is the society we live in, period.

Did this man handle the situation as best he could? Probably not. Are there real and serious challenges facing gay people in our society today? No question. He did his best every step of the way. I’m sure his ex is hurt, but he hurt for decades of his life. He loves his sons and he’s trying to be true to himself while honoring his responsibility as a dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced woman, my ex-husband cheated on me. Here’s my take.

Since middle school I’ve known I’m bisexual. As a teen and a young woman, I sought relationships with women. I understand why gays and lesbians keep us bi’s at arm’s length - we have the relative luxury of being able to “hide” behind the security of a hetero relationship.

Dating women was difficult. I remember making out with a girl on a date and having a man ask if he could watch, then hit on my date. It’s apples and oranges. There’s an immediate respectability you feel as a half of a straight couple that’s just not afforded when you’re part of a gay couple. That is the society we live in, period.

Did this man handle the situation as best he could? Probably not. Are there real and serious challenges facing gay people in our society today? No question. He did his best every step of the way. I’m sure his ex is hurt, but he hurt for decades of his life. He loves his sons and he’s trying to be true to himself while honoring his responsibility as a dad.

We all face challenges and how they deal with them is a reflection of their character. My ex chose deceit and that part her did not miraculously change after she came out.

[Anonymous]

My marriage ended over his cheating. I think it would have been harder for me if he'd been gay.

[Anonymous]

" I do my best to try to remain engaged from a distance, offering as much help with things like doctor appointments, haircuts, buying shoes and clothes, reinforcing them cleaning their room as much as I could."

=

"He's a real smooth brother, never in a rush
And he gives me goose pimples with every single touch
Spends quality time with his kids when he can
Secure in his manhood 'cause he's a real man
A lover and a fighter and he'll knock a nucca out
Don't take him for a sucker 'cause that's what he's about
Every time I need him, he always got my back
Never disrespectful 'cause his mama taught him that"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced woman, my ex-husband cheated on me. Here’s my take.

Since middle school I’ve known I’m bisexual. As a teen and a young woman, I sought relationships with women. I understand why gays and lesbians keep us bi’s at arm’s length - we have the relative luxury of being able to “hide” behind the security of a hetero relationship.

Dating women was difficult. I remember making out with a girl on a date and having a man ask if he could watch, then hit on my date. It’s apples and oranges. There’s an immediate respectability you feel as a half of a straight couple that’s just not afforded when you’re part of a gay couple. That is the society we live in, period.

Did this man handle the situation as best he could? Probably not. Are there real and serious challenges facing gay people in our society today? No question. He did his best every step of the way. I’m sure his ex is hurt, but he hurt for decades of his life. He loves his sons and he’s trying to be true to himself while honoring his responsibility as a dad.

Your post is well written and really the only kind of response that I respect.

People are not perfect. And that includes every single one of us. We all make mistakes. It doesn't justify actions, but people should not be condemned for life but given the chance to rehabilitate and to move forward.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he moved to Chicago to live with his boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced woman, my ex-husband cheated on me. Here’s my take.

Since middle school I’ve known I’m bisexual. As a teen and a young woman, I sought relationships with women. I understand why gays and lesbians keep us bi’s at arm’s length - we have the relative luxury of being able to “hide” behind the security of a hetero relationship.

Dating women was difficult. I remember making out with a girl on a date and having a man ask if he could watch, then hit on my date. It’s apples and oranges. There’s an immediate respectability you feel as a half of a straight couple that’s just not afforded when you’re part of a gay couple. That is the society we live in, period.

Did this man handle the situation as best he could? Probably not. Are there real and serious challenges facing gay people in our society today? No question. He did his best every step of the way. I’m sure his ex is hurt, but he hurt for decades of his life. He loves his sons and he’s trying to be true to himself while honoring his responsibility as a dad.

Your post is well written and really the only kind of response that I respect.

People are not perfect. And that includes every single one of us. We all make mistakes. It doesn't justify actions, but people should not be condemned for life but given the chance to rehabilitate and to move forward.

I agree. But acknowledge you’ve messed someone else’s life up in ways I don’t think you comprehend and be graceful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced woman, my ex-husband cheated on me. Here’s my take.

Since middle school I’ve known I’m bisexual. As a teen and a young woman, I sought relationships with women. I understand why gays and lesbians keep us bi’s at arm’s length - we have the relative luxury of being able to “hide” behind the security of a hetero relationship.

Dating women was difficult. I remember making out with a girl on a date and having a man ask if he could watch, then hit on my date. It’s apples and oranges. There’s an immediate respectability you feel as a half of a straight couple that’s just not afforded when you’re part of a gay couple. That is the society we live in, period.

Did this man handle the situation as best he could? Probably not. Are there real and serious challenges facing gay people in our society today? No question. He did his best every step of the way. I’m sure his ex is hurt, but he hurt for decades of his life. He loves his sons and he’s trying to be true to himself while honoring his responsibility as a dad.

Your post is well written and really the only kind of response that I respect.

People are not perfect. And that includes every single one of us. We all make mistakes. It doesn't justify actions, but people should not be condemned for life but given the chance to rehabilitate and to move forward.

I agree. But acknowledge you’ve messed someone else’s life up in ways I don’t think you comprehend and be graceful.

This exactly. He could have stayed until the kids were in college. The pain of the divorce and single parenting three boys might have made his ex focus more on his sexual orientation more.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be pissed that he was gay. I'd be pissed if he hid it from me for a long time and I wasted my time that could have been spent living happily with someone else. And I'd be pissed if he then just took off. That's cowardly.

Hopefully we are living in a society now where this will happen less and less. I want to live in a society where if you realize you're gay, you get to be gay.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my mom's best friend from high school (a woman).

She married a man and they had two daughters. The father came home one day in the late 1980s and announced he had AIDS and was bisexual. He was dead within two years, his pre-teen daughters and jilted wife had to watch him wither away and care for him.

My mom's friend had to spend the next decade getting monthly tests for HIV. At the time, they were not sure how long it could take for the virus to appear in a person. So scary and traumatizing.

[Anonymous]

Gay is much worse. And he’s prob having an affair with a man or at least random sex if he’s sure enough that he’s gay and wants to leave you. It’s prob not years of just fantasies about men. So gay prob means both-gay and extramarital sex.