Is it worse to have a broken marriage because of an affair or bcs your DH/DW was gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of them are equally as painful.

It's a real mind f**ck when they do this to you and the family. Cowards.

[Anonymous]

None of you has walked in his shoes. I am. It's harder than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of you has walked in his shoes. I am. It's harder than you think.

Please. This guy is a cowardly POS.

(BTW coming out is not a get out of jail free card for abdicating all responsibility for your children.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of you has walked in his shoes. I am. It's harder than you think.

And you haven't walked in mine, nor his wife. He raised his kids to hate gay people and then come out as gay. Please.

[Anonymous]

He sounds selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of you has walked in his shoes. I am. It's harder than you think.

And you haven't walked in mine, nor his wife. He raised his kids to hate gay people and then come out as gay. Please.

Just imagine the amount of self hatred you would have to have to do this though. I do not excuse him walking out on his kids, that's reprehensible. But people acting like he was playing some long con with the wife and being intentionally deceptive I think are underestimating the forces at play that make someone live this deep in the closet life. He was probably lying to himself as much as he was to others. That there is a religious aspect to it and the kids are somewhat indoctrinated to think being gay is wrong, flat out, only confirms that for me.

[Anonymous]

Affair is worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of you has walked in his shoes. I am. It's harder than you think.

And you haven't walked in mine, nor his wife. He raised his kids to hate gay people and then come out as gay. Please.

Just imagine the amount of self hatred you would have to have to do this though. I do not excuse him walking out on his kids, that's reprehensible. But people acting like he was playing some long con with the wife and being intentionally deceptive I think are underestimating the forces at play that make someone live this deep in the closet life. He was probably lying to himself as much as he was to others. That there is a religious aspect to it and the kids are somewhat indoctrinated to think being gay is wrong, flat out, only confirms that for me.

My experience was that they were very happy post coming out. No remorse for the lies or the danage they had caused

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of you has walked in his shoes. I am. It's harder than you think.

And you haven't walked in mine, nor his wife. He raised his kids to hate gay people and then come out as gay. Please.

Just imagine the amount of self hatred you would have to have to do this though. I do not excuse him walking out on his kids, that's reprehensible. But people acting like he was playing some long con with the wife and being intentionally deceptive I think are underestimating the forces at play that make someone live this deep in the closet life. He was probably lying to himself as much as he was to others. That there is a religious aspect to it and the kids are somewhat indoctrinated to think being gay is wrong, flat out, only confirms that for me.

My experience was that they were very happy post coming out. No remorse for the lies or the danage they had caused

Don't you get that they were happy to no longer live a lie?

It's like carrying a weight on your shoulders your whole life and then suddenly being released.

Also its weird, but if you didn't realize your spouse was gay when you started dating...nothing tipped you off?...maybe you had blinders on just as much as they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would much prefer gay over an affair. I could get over that and have some sympathy for someone so deep in the closet and would support him in ultimately living his best life and being true to himself even if it rocked my world. I would NOT support moving away and breaking up the family unit that way. Being gay doesn't get him off the hook for being a more involved parent.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would much prefer gay over an affair. I could get over that and have some sympathy for someone so deep in the closet and would support him in ultimately living his best life and being true to himself even if it rocked my world. I would NOT support moving away and breaking up the family unit that way. Being gay doesn't get him off the hook for being a more involved parent.

Agree with this.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is in his shoes, I fault the guy tremendously for participating in that article, which clearly accomplishes nothing but cause his ex more pain and embarrassment. I also believe that the guy’s decision to put his kids in a conservative Christian school and allowing them to be raised thinking the way they did was unforgivable.

Having said that, the reactions of many of the women on this thread to the article confirms my decision never, ever to come out at this point. With each passing day one becomes more and more boxed into what was a stupid decision made years ago - while young, hopeful, and naive - but certainly was not a decision made maliciously or with any intent to hurt or mislead.

[Anonymous]

For me, it would be worse if my DH were to come out as gay. That would mean our entire marriage was a lie and he never ever loved me the way I love him. Plenty of people have affairs while also deeply loving heir spouse. I’d be devastated either way, but I’d rather know/believe that he did love me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He came out at 42, so soon enough to live his life fully and enjoy his youth. But too far into a marriage to not have it devastate someone else.

"I was 42 years old when I came out to my wife. It was 15 months later that I started that same conversation with my three boys -- 9-year-old twins and an 11-year-old.

The whole experience is somewhat of a blur, mostly in part to the fact that at that point in my life there was a lot of change happening and some significant pent-up emotions. There wasn't much of a plan, no guidebook in hand, only goals that I hoped my boys would start the process of understanding and accepting their dad for whom I truly was: a gay man.

...

When the moment to break the news to my kids finally came, I had a lot of issues to navigate. Over 15 months, I had finalized the divorce, moved again and taken a new job based in Chicago, 250 miles away from my boys. The distance was to create some space between my now ex-wife, who struggled being in proximity to me."

I think his reason for moving is bogus. Of course his wife struggled- he didn't give her time to come to terms with it before he left and then she was left holding down the fort and dealing with the implosion of her marriage. They were already in a large enough metro area to get some space. I think he needs to look at his real motivations for abandoning his children in a time of crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, it would be worse if my DH were to come out as gay. That would mean our entire marriage was a lie and he never ever loved me the way I love him. Plenty of people have affairs while also deeply loving heir spouse. I’d be devastated either way, but I’d rather know/believe that he did love me.

Agree with this, hopefully when we got married DW was in love with me, not trying to live a lie