Reply to How to have "the talk"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world. [/quote]

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change.  To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day.  We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets.  I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.  [/quote]

It was stated earlier in the thread. Women believe the amount of sex they want is the proper amount for the marriage. It doesn't matter if they are high drive or low drive. They amount they want is the right amount[/quote]

DW here. We don't have sex nearly often enough for him. But here's the thing - its a fairly miserable experience for me. He (although an amazing partner is most ways) really isn't good at it. It's a chore and one that is often unpleasant. If we had great sex, maybe the threshold would be different. But as it is it feels like "one more thing" I have to do for him. So you can imagine my motivation isn't fantastic. What would you suggest in this situation.[/quote]

Find a gentle way to tell him. Maybe make it a game. Tell him you want to try something new and each of you gets a night where you get to act of a fantasy and are in total control, as long as it doesn't involve something the other doesn't want to do. When it's your turn, guide him through what works for you. If it's better, praise his prowess and tell him how unbelievable that made you feel. That will help guide him in that direction without ever having to tell him he's terrible. When you are ready to take the next step, add another fantasy exchange. When he gets it right, then it's time to tell him that if he performed like that, you'd want more sex. Those are magic words. Positive reinforcement either throw actual words or pleasure sounds can go a long way to helping you steer a man in the direction you want him to go.[/quote]

Nope. I’m in the same bot and tried to gently tell DH what I wanted and to experiment more etc. we now haven’t  had sex in 7 months. He is too insecure and pissed about the conservation. He is seeing a therapist and wants to get back “to the way we were” but that way was not good for me![/quote]

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