Fostering - give it to me straight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

Depends on the kid. We fostered a kid who had severe anxiety and many autism-like symptoms including a lot of noise sensitivity. He COULD NOT DO aftercare. He ran away and the police had to be called. We were able to pay out of pocket for a babysitter to pick him up from school, and I cut my hours back at work. But he really truly needed a stay at home parent because there were days he couldn't go to school at all. For many reasons we were not the right family for him, despite being loving, and he was moved out of our school and community for a different placement. This was the right choice for him and he was a lot more successful in a different environment.

OP, the conventional wisdom is to maintain birth order (only take kids younger than your youngest). Expect your kids to be exposed to language and behaviors you may not approve of. It can be hard for foster siblings to see kids come and go, but with enough support it certainly can work. As you're in the process of deciding how your family can help, a program like DC127 or FAPAC may be able to connect you with respite opportunities--basically you could babysit for a kid in foster care while their foster parent runs errands or otherwise needs a break. DC127 also works with kids whose parents need a short-term placement for their kid or else the kid will go into care--often it's something like a single parent without a support network who needs surgery. There are way fewer appointments and no court dates, and the parent retains all rights to the kids. The goal is to prevent foster care, and to reduce trauma on the kid. It might be a good way to see how your family does with having young visitors. Although DC127 is a pretty Christian organization you definitely don't have to be to volunteer with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to do this but I can’t because I understand the foster system doesn’t pay for daycare.

You get a stipend.

Yes but I don't think it would be enough to cover the daycare where I sent my kids for example. Day care is basically a mortgage payment; I can't take on another mortgage It's sad because I would really like to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

Depends on the kid. We fostered a kid who had severe anxiety and many autism-like symptoms including a lot of noise sensitivity. He COULD NOT DO aftercare. He ran away and the police had to be called. We were able to pay out of pocket for a babysitter to pick him up from school, and I cut my hours back at work. But he really truly needed a stay at home parent because there were days he couldn't go to school at all. For many reasons we were not the right family for him, despite being loving, and he was moved out of our school and community for a different placement. This was the right choice for him and he was a lot more successful in a different environment.

OP, the conventional wisdom is to maintain birth order (only take kids younger than your youngest). Expect your kids to be exposed to language and behaviors you may not approve of. It can be hard for foster siblings to see kids come and go, but with enough support it certainly can work. As you're in the process of deciding how your family can help, a program like DC127 or FAPAC may be able to connect you with respite opportunities--basically you could babysit for a kid in foster care while their foster parent runs errands or otherwise needs a break. DC127 also works with kids whose parents need a short-term placement for their kid or else the kid will go into care--often it's something like a single parent without a support network who needs surgery. There are way fewer appointments and no court dates, and the parent retains all rights to the kids. The goal is to prevent foster care, and to reduce trauma on the kid. It might be a good way to see how your family does with having young visitors. Although DC127 is a pretty Christian organization you definitely don't have to be to volunteer with them.

I'm the PP and I agree that there are individual kids who need therapeutic placements with a parent at home. But the idea that working parents should never foster because it's unfair to the kids is wrong. The lack of foster parents, and particularly foster parents for kids with certain special needs, is unfair to kids.

[Anonymous]

Lots of pp already gave great advice - a few things I will add:

- foster kids take a lot of time, energy and attention. Not just at first but for the long haul. You will have to cheat your biological children out of your time, attention and energy to meet the needs of the foster child. The can cause resentment all around. It's not a reason not to foster but it is something to be honest about so you can recognize it.

- kids under 5 can have very real and serious problems. They can be violent and destructive. Do not make the mistake of believing that a younger child will be "easier". That's not the case. They might have misdiagnosed issues that you will be spending many hours tracking down doctors to diagnosis, get therapy in place, and so on. See above.

- you will only be able to hire sitters that have approved background checks for your foster child.

- you will not be able to leave the state with your foster child without permission. thinking here of going on a vacation not commuting to a doctor in Maryland if you live in VA.

- some foster agencies will ask you to be involved with the biological parents including contact with them and possibly setting up visits.

- We started the process a few years ago to get certified and it was assumed by the agency that when a child was placed with us , that one of us or split between the two would take 12 weeks of family leave to help the foster child adjust. They informed us that this is what most foster parents did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

Depends on the kid. We fostered a kid who had severe anxiety and many autism-like symptoms including a lot of noise sensitivity. He COULD NOT DO aftercare. He ran away and the police had to be called. We were able to pay out of pocket for a babysitter to pick him up from school, and I cut my hours back at work. But he really truly needed a stay at home parent because there were days he couldn't go to school at all. For many reasons we were not the right family for him, despite being loving, and he was moved out of our school and community for a different placement. This was the right choice for him and he was a lot more successful in a different environment.

OP, the conventional wisdom is to maintain birth order (only take kids younger than your youngest). Expect your kids to be exposed to language and behaviors you may not approve of. It can be hard for foster siblings to see kids come and go, but with enough support it certainly can work. As you're in the process of deciding how your family can help, a program like DC127 or FAPAC may be able to connect you with respite opportunities--basically you could babysit for a kid in foster care while their foster parent runs errands or otherwise needs a break. DC127 also works with kids whose parents need a short-term placement for their kid or else the kid will go into care--often it's something like a single parent without a support network who needs surgery. There are way fewer appointments and no court dates, and the parent retains all rights to the kids. The goal is to prevent foster care, and to reduce trauma on the kid. It might be a good way to see how your family does with having young visitors. Although DC127 is a pretty Christian organization you definitely don't have to be to volunteer with them.

I'm the PP and I agree that there are individual kids who need therapeutic placements with a parent at home. But the idea that working parents should never foster because it's unfair to the kids is wrong. The lack of foster parents, and particularly foster parents for kids with certain special needs, is unfair to kids.

Most kids who need more support are not in therapeutic placements. Most kids have trauma from being removed from their home and placed with strangers, being bounced from foster home to foster home, learning disabilities, drug exposure at utero, predisposition to mental health issues, physically abused, neglected. Many are behind educationally. Kids come in care for a reason due to their parents. Some kids are ok and adjust but most it takes time and a lot of support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

+1. As a bio single parent, I’m certainly not doing it perfectly. Your post resonated with me.

And, did your biological child have SN? Mental health appointments, social work appointments, doctor appointments, 1-2 time a week supervised family visits? Behavioral issues, especially after the visits?

Whether she had them or not, I would not have been able to accommodate multi day a week appointments nor would I have been able to support it financially. There are far too many kids and not enough loving homes to accommodate them. Implying that someone needs to quit working in order to adequately foster kids is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

Depends on the kid. We fostered a kid who had severe anxiety and many autism-like symptoms including a lot of noise sensitivity. He COULD NOT DO aftercare. He ran away and the police had to be called. We were able to pay out of pocket for a babysitter to pick him up from school, and I cut my hours back at work. But he really truly needed a stay at home parent because there were days he couldn't go to school at all. For many reasons we were not the right family for him, despite being loving, and he was moved out of our school and community for a different placement. This was the right choice for him and he was a lot more successful in a different environment.

OP, the conventional wisdom is to maintain birth order (only take kids younger than your youngest). Expect your kids to be exposed to language and behaviors you may not approve of. It can be hard for foster siblings to see kids come and go, but with enough support it certainly can work. As you're in the process of deciding how your family can help, a program like DC127 or FAPAC may be able to connect you with respite opportunities--basically you could babysit for a kid in foster care while their foster parent runs errands or otherwise needs a break. DC127 also works with kids whose parents need a short-term placement for their kid or else the kid will go into care--often it's something like a single parent without a support network who needs surgery. There are way fewer appointments and no court dates, and the parent retains all rights to the kids. The goal is to prevent foster care, and to reduce trauma on the kid. It might be a good way to see how your family does with having young visitors. Although DC127 is a pretty Christian organization you definitely don't have to be to volunteer with them.

I'm the PP and I agree that there are individual kids who need therapeutic placements with a parent at home. But the idea that working parents should never foster because it's unfair to the kids is wrong. The lack of foster parents, and particularly foster parents for kids with certain special needs, is unfair to kids.

Most kids who need more support are not in therapeutic placements. Most kids have trauma from being removed from their home and placed with strangers, being bounced from foster home to foster home, learning disabilities, drug exposure at utero, predisposition to mental health issues, physically abused, neglected. Many are behind educationally. Kids come in care for a reason due to their parents. Some kids are ok and adjust but most it takes time and a lot of support.

NP here, following this thread with a lot of interest, as once my kids are older I would like to be a foster parents.

Is the standard for being a good foster family that you need to take 12 weeks of time off when your foster child is placed with you, and that both parents cannot work full-time? That essentially disqualifies all but the wealthiest families in the DC regions from being foster parents, or it limits it to those who are long-term stay-at-home parents (a demographic which is less likely to have graduated from high school and more likely to live in poverty). Is that really the demographic profile of foster families/parents?

I feel like in this case, the perfect may be the enemy of the good. We/I cannot be the perfect foster parent many PPs are describing, but I can be a good one. Although maybe in the DC region there are enough perfect foster parents that they don't need to settle for good ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of pp already gave great advice - a few things I will add:

- foster kids take a lot of time, energy and attention. Not just at first but for the long haul. You will have to cheat your biological children out of your time, attention and energy to meet the needs of the foster child. The can cause resentment all around. It's not a reason not to foster but it is something to be honest about so you can recognize it.

- kids under 5 can have very real and serious problems. They can be violent and destructive. Do not make the mistake of believing that a younger child will be "easier". That's not the case. They might have misdiagnosed issues that you will be spending many hours tracking down doctors to diagnosis, get therapy in place, and so on. See above.

- you will only be able to hire sitters that have approved background checks for your foster child.

- you will not be able to leave the state with your foster child without permission. thinking here of going on a vacation not commuting to a doctor in Maryland if you live in VA.

- some foster agencies will ask you to be involved with the biological parents including contact with them and possibly setting up visits.

- We started the process a few years ago to get certified and it was assumed by the agency that when a child was placed with us , that one of us or split between the two would take 12 weeks of family leave to help the foster child adjust. They informed us that this is what most foster parents did.

The "leaving the state" requirement alone has kept us from trying to foster--we still have elderly parents in other states, so even though we have no other children, I don't feel like it would be good for foster kids to have a new placement while we are visiting family out of state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

Depends on the kid. We fostered a kid who had severe anxiety and many autism-like symptoms including a lot of noise sensitivity. He COULD NOT DO aftercare. He ran away and the police had to be called. We were able to pay out of pocket for a babysitter to pick him up from school, and I cut my hours back at work. But he really truly needed a stay at home parent because there were days he couldn't go to school at all. For many reasons we were not the right family for him, despite being loving, and he was moved out of our school and community for a different placement. This was the right choice for him and he was a lot more successful in a different environment.

OP, the conventional wisdom is to maintain birth order (only take kids younger than your youngest). Expect your kids to be exposed to language and behaviors you may not approve of. It can be hard for foster siblings to see kids come and go, but with enough support it certainly can work. As you're in the process of deciding how your family can help, a program like DC127 or FAPAC may be able to connect you with respite opportunities--basically you could babysit for a kid in foster care while their foster parent runs errands or otherwise needs a break. DC127 also works with kids whose parents need a short-term placement for their kid or else the kid will go into care--often it's something like a single parent without a support network who needs surgery. There are way fewer appointments and no court dates, and the parent retains all rights to the kids. The goal is to prevent foster care, and to reduce trauma on the kid. It might be a good way to see how your family does with having young visitors. Although DC127 is a pretty Christian organization you definitely don't have to be to volunteer with them.

I'm the PP and I agree that there are individual kids who need therapeutic placements with a parent at home. But the idea that working parents should never foster because it's unfair to the kids is wrong. The lack of foster parents, and particularly foster parents for kids with certain special needs, is unfair to kids.

Most kids who need more support are not in therapeutic placements. Most kids have trauma from being removed from their home and placed with strangers, being bounced from foster home to foster home, learning disabilities, drug exposure at utero, predisposition to mental health issues, physically abused, neglected. Many are behind educationally. Kids come in care for a reason due to their parents. Some kids are ok and adjust but most it takes time and a lot of support.

NP here, following this thread with a lot of interest, as once my kids are older I would like to be a foster parents.

Is the standard for being a good foster family that you need to take 12 weeks of time off when your foster child is placed with you, and that both parents cannot work full-time? That essentially disqualifies all but the wealthiest families in the DC regions from being foster parents, or it limits it to those who are long-term stay-at-home parents (a demographic which is less likely to have graduated from high school and more likely to live in poverty). Is that really the demographic profile of foster families/parents?

I feel like in this case, the perfect may be the enemy of the good. We/I cannot be the perfect foster parent many PPs are describing, but I can be a good one. Although maybe in the DC region there are enough perfect foster parents that they don't need to settle for good ones.

Note the person giving this response is not actually a foster parent. I seriously doubt a govt agency said this. It’s possible a private agency specializing in therapeutic placements has these requirements. I am a local foster parent and most of this is wrong. There is no expectation that you take 12 weeks off, and to do so is virtually unheard of. Occasionally a child might have such intense needs that you need to do this but that is discussed prior to placement. Sitters for an evening out don’t need to be background checked. I could go on rebutting this poster. You

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of pp already gave great advice - a few things I will add:

- foster kids take a lot of time, energy and attention. Not just at first but for the long haul. You will have to cheat your biological children out of your time, attention and energy to meet the needs of the foster child. The can cause resentment all around. It's not a reason not to foster but it is something to be honest about so you can recognize it.

- kids under 5 can have very real and serious problems. They can be violent and destructive. Do not make the mistake of believing that a younger child will be "easier". That's not the case. They might have misdiagnosed issues that you will be spending many hours tracking down doctors to diagnosis, get therapy in place, and so on. See above.

- you will only be able to hire sitters that have approved background checks for your foster child.

- you will not be able to leave the state with your foster child without permission. thinking here of going on a vacation not commuting to a doctor in Maryland if you live in VA.

- some foster agencies will ask you to be involved with the biological parents including contact with them and possibly setting up visits.

- We started the process a few years ago to get certified and it was assumed by the agency that when a child was placed with us , that one of us or split between the two would take 12 weeks of family leave to help the foster child adjust. They informed us that this is what most foster parents did.

The "leaving the state" requirement alone has kept us from trying to foster--we still have elderly parents in other states, so even though we have no other children, I don't feel like it would be good for foster kids to have a new placement while we are visiting family out of state.

You can leave the state but you need to get permission. Depending on the distance and state sometimes its just parental permission and other times it needs to be a court order. Its not a big deal to get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

You don't have the same flexibility or control or decision making authority when it is a foster child. You are he caregiver but CPS is the legal guardian and try set the expectations and requirements.

I know, I am a former special needs foster parent (now adoptive parent), and a special ed teacher who has worked with many foster children. The idea that somehow it's "unfair" to foster kids to place them with single parents or dual income couples, when the other option is institutionalization, is absurd. That doesn't mean I think that it's easy. Or that OP should or shouldn't do it, but she shouldn't decide not to foster because she worries that it would be unfair.

Kids in the US are not institutionalized except for severe behavioral or mental health reasons.

Ding dong, you're wrong.

Here, familiarize yourself with an aspect of COMAR: http://dhr.maryland.gov/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Specialized-Standards-COMAR-14-31-07.pdf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

You don't have the same flexibility or control or decision making authority when it is a foster child. You are he caregiver but CPS is the legal guardian and try set the expectations and requirements.

I know, I am a former special needs foster parent (now adoptive parent), and a special ed teacher who has worked with many foster children. The idea that somehow it's "unfair" to foster kids to place them with single parents or dual income couples, when the other option is institutionalization, is absurd. That doesn't mean I think that it's easy. Or that OP should or shouldn't do it, but she shouldn't decide not to foster because she worries that it would be unfair.

Kids in the US are not institutionalized except for severe behavioral or mental health reasons.

Ding dong, you're wrong.

Here, familiarize yourself with an aspect of COMAR: http://dhr.maryland.gov/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Specialized-Standards-COMAR-14-31-07.pdf

I worked in foster care for many years. Specialized care is very different and those kid have much more needs. Very few kids get that.

[Anonymous]

I have read that false accusations of child abuse are rampant against foster parents. It is a well known issue that of course you won't be told about ahead of time. Proceed with caution and eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

This is NOT TRUE. I am a case worker at an agency and 70% our families are working families. Very very fee 2 parent families with one at home step up to help. This is not just in my agency but across all agencies. I have no idea why this is, but it is absolutely a commonality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of pp already gave great advice - a few things I will add:

- foster kids take a lot of time, energy and attention. Not just at first but for the long haul. You will have to cheat your biological children out of your time, attention and energy to meet the needs of the foster child. The can cause resentment all around. It's not a reason not to foster but it is something to be honest about so you can recognize it.

- kids under 5 can have very real and serious problems. They can be violent and destructive. Do not make the mistake of believing that a younger child will be "easier". That's not the case. They might have misdiagnosed issues that you will be spending many hours tracking down doctors to diagnosis, get therapy in place, and so on. See above.

- you will only be able to hire sitters that have approved background checks for your foster child.

- you will not be able to leave the state with your foster child without permission. thinking here of going on a vacation not commuting to a doctor in Maryland if you live in VA.

- some foster agencies will ask you to be involved with the biological parents including contact with them and possibly setting up visits.

- We started the process a few years ago to get certified and it was assumed by the agency that when a child was placed with us , that one of us or split between the two would take 12 weeks of family leave to help the foster child adjust. They informed us that this is what most foster parents did.

Case worker here again. The misinformation on this thread is appalling.