Fostering - give it to me straight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

You don't have the same flexibility or control or decision making authority when it is a foster child. You are he caregiver but CPS is the legal guardian and try set the expectations and requirements.

I know, I am a former special needs foster parent (now adoptive parent), and a special ed teacher who has worked with many foster children. The idea that somehow it's "unfair" to foster kids to place them with single parents or dual income couples, when the other option is institutionalization, is absurd. That doesn't mean I think that it's easy. Or that OP should or shouldn't do it, but she shouldn't decide not to foster because she worries that it would be unfair.

I stumbled on this old thread looking for something else and AMEN to you sister!

So much bullsh!t on this thread I just have to rectify it as an actual foster parent myself. I suspect there are a ton of BS'ers who are bot actually foster parents, just pretending to be one on the internet.

1. FACT- the majority of foster families in DC are working families. Not some, not the minority, but the MAJORITY.
2. 25% of foster families are SINGLE working women.
3. Of course daycare is not paid for, but you do get a stipend.
4. There is support, not a lot, but amazing volunteers that can help with appointments and shuttling kids around.

Somehow, despite the ignorant BS spewed on here, working families are overwhelming doing the lions share of work supporting foster kids. My theory is that some women and men just can't hack it working. They need someone to support them. Period. They aren't good candidates to be foster families AT ALL because normal life stresses them out.

If you want to get involved, do respite care and go through the process of getting cleared to drive kids to appointments and custody visits. This is a way to help, but not have to he all in.

Oh and there are lots and lots and lots of appointments at night. The world works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

You don't have the same flexibility or control or decision making authority when it is a foster child. You are he caregiver but CPS is the legal guardian and try set the expectations and requirements.

I know, I am a former special needs foster parent (now adoptive parent), and a special ed teacher who has worked with many foster children. The idea that somehow it's "unfair" to foster kids to place them with single parents or dual income couples, when the other option is institutionalization, is absurd. That doesn't mean I think that it's easy. Or that OP should or shouldn't do it, but she shouldn't decide not to foster because she worries that it would be unfair.

Kids in the US are not institutionalized except for severe behavioral or mental health reasons.

Yes they are. Yet another stupid ignorant statement. Some are housed in group homes and some even in juvenile detention centers. It's awful, especially for the older ones.

[Anonymous]

We are a foster family that vacations a lot. It been rather easy to get permission to take them with us. We say we are going to FL, they say sure have fun. Please don’t scare potential foster parents by saying you can’t travel or go to doctors appointments in the DMV or elsewhere. It’s simple not true. OP, talk to current foster parents. I did cut my work hours to deal with the needs of a special needs child. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

In Northern VA daycare was certainly PAID for but we had to use an approved provider list. With another foster child we used a daycare center that wasn’t on the list and they paid the 1/2, we paid the balance.

[Anonymous]

We foster in Maryland. We have traveled with our foster children all over the country and daycare is absolutely paid for.

[Anonymous]

My boss is a single Mom in Ohio. She fostered 3 young boys from one family. She most definitely worked full time hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a foster family that vacations a lot. It been rather easy to get permission to take them with us. We say we are going to FL, they say sure have fun. Please don’t scare potential foster parents by saying you can’t travel or go to doctors appointments in the DMV or elsewhere. It’s simple not true. OP, talk to current foster parents. I did cut my work hours to deal with the needs of a special needs child. Good luck.

It depends on where you live and the parents involvement. I was a foster care worker and we had to get permission from the parent and get a court oder for anything not local or go to court if the parents disagreed. (it was rarely an issue getting permission but often you need it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

And, who pays for that. Few SLP's go to day cares and few days cares allow it (ours did not). Medicaid is a low reimbursement amount and its hard to find a provider. You don't sound like you did best for the child and did what is best for you. My child needed multiple day a week speech therapy, OT and much more. It would have been impossible to work and do all that. Granted not all kids need all that but they are going to have more needs. What happens in elementary school when they cannot come to the school? Most don't allow outsider providers and what they get in school is minimal at best?

Oh, quit clutching your pearls.
You are the definition of a sanctimommy.

[Anonymous]

I learned that it's not as common for children under age 5 and babies to need foster care because their extended family members are more likely to take them in. And the older kids, sadly there's often a reason their grandparents, aunts and uncles won't take them. Their trauma manifests in serious behavioral problems. The problems are disruptive and often involve violence and/or abuse towards other children in the home. It is not possible to just love them and hope for the best.

If you're lucky, Your own young bio children will be exposed to undesirable behaviors, language, habits, etc (and that's if you foster a relatively well behaved child).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I learned that it's not as common for children under age 5 and babies to need foster care because their extended family members are more likely to take them in. And the older kids, sadly there's often a reason their grandparents, aunts and uncles won't take them. Their trauma manifests in serious behavioral problems. The problems are disruptive and often involve violence and/or abuse towards other children in the home. It is not possible to just love them and hope for the best.

If you're lucky, Your own young bio children will be exposed to undesirable behaviors, language, habits, etc (and that's if you foster a relatively well behaved child).

Undesirable language! Perish the thought.

[Anonymous]

Please don't let ignorant people who have little experience fostering but many opinions about what it must be like sway your decision. There are so very many children with a vast array of needs who need adults committed to caring for and loving them for however long they may need, which includes until an adoptive family (if you are not hoping to adopt) can be found should reunification not happen. We both work big jobs full time. We have two bio kids in elementary school. We've been fostering for two and a half years. We're currently on kids 10, 11, and 12. We have an infant, a toddler and an elementary schooler who is (ghasp) not in birth order. It's fine. Is it a lot of juggling? Absolutely. There are many more initial appointments when a kid first moves in but that then stabilizes. There are often therapy and/or early intervention appointments and some kids need educational supports. But, you know, you can work it out. There are Saturday and early morning and early evening appointments. There are options for calling in to some stuff. You can toggle with your spouse. You can squeeze parent only appointments during your lunch hour. The thing is that you do need a flexible job or two and a commitment to staying engaged and motivated. Good foster parents are not perfect at all. But, they do need to be able to handle setbacks, lots of red tape and hurting children. Good luck. If you can handle two careers and three kids under six, you can handle this. The first six months post placement are tough then things can get much better. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be parenting five kids but here we are, treading water most days and sometimes swimming! There's just such a need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't let ignorant people who have little experience fostering but many opinions about what it must be like sway your decision. There are so very many children with a vast array of needs who need adults committed to caring for and loving them for however long they may need, which includes until an adoptive family (if you are not hoping to adopt) can be found should reunification not happen. We both work big jobs full time. We have two bio kids in elementary school. We've been fostering for two and a half years. We're currently on kids 10, 11, and 12. We have an infant, a toddler and an elementary schooler who is (ghasp) not in birth order. It's fine. Is it a lot of juggling? Absolutely. There are many more initial appointments when a kid first moves in but that then stabilizes. There are often therapy and/or early intervention appointments and some kids need educational supports. But, you know, you can work it out. There are Saturday and early morning and early evening appointments. There are options for calling in to some stuff. You can toggle with your spouse. You can squeeze parent only appointments during your lunch hour. The thing is that you do need a flexible job or two and a commitment to staying engaged and motivated. Good foster parents are not perfect at all. But, they do need to be able to handle setbacks, lots of red tape and hurting children. Good luck. If you can handle two careers and three kids under six, you can handle this. The first six months post placement are tough then things can get much better. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be parenting five kids but here we are, treading water most days and sometimes swimming! There's just such a need.

Thank you for this. We are starting the home study thru our county. Both of us work, but have decent flexibility. We have two school-aged kids. Our hearts are all in for this but I worry about managing the logistics. Your post is real but reassuring!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I learned that it's not as common for children under age 5 and babies to need foster care because their extended family members are more likely to take them in. And the older kids, sadly there's often a reason their grandparents, aunts and uncles won't take them. Their trauma manifests in serious behavioral problems. The problems are disruptive and often involve violence and/or abuse towards other children in the home. It is not possible to just love them and hope for the best.

If you're lucky, Your own young bio children will be exposed to undesirable behaviors, language, habits, etc (and that's if you foster a relatively well behaved child).

Undesirable language! Perish the thought.

What is your problem? Op wants to know what to expect. This is something she can expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I learned that it's not as common for children under age 5 and babies to need foster care because their extended family members are more likely to take them in. And the older kids, sadly there's often a reason their grandparents, aunts and uncles won't take them. Their trauma manifests in serious behavioral problems. The problems are disruptive and often involve violence and/or abuse towards other children in the home. It is not possible to just love them and hope for the best.

If you're lucky, Your own young bio children will be exposed to undesirable behaviors, language, habits, etc (and that's if you foster a relatively well behaved child).


Undesirable language! Perish the thought.


What is your problem? Op wants to know what to expect. This is something she can expect.

+1. Prospective foster parents should go into it with fully open eyes. If you grew up in a stable loving middle class home where kids were not constantly exposed to age-inappropriate media, language, sexual behavior, substance abuse and violence, then you can be in for quite a shock. In addition, one issue that gets very little air time is the prevalence of FASD (fetal alcohol exposure) in foster kids. FASD is the root cause of many developmental delays, and learning and behavioral difficulties. It is not just "trauma" ---though certainly trauma is present, even in healthy kids in foster care. Based on my own experiences, when I see statements about older kids being placed in group homes and residential treatments, that screams to me FASD--as kids who have the more difficult FASD behavioral issues (lack of empathy and appreciation of natural consequences, uncontrollable and often violent or destructive rages) become unmanageable. Some issues cannot just be "loved" away, and you need to go into foster parenting realizing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't let ignorant people who have little experience fostering but many opinions about what it must be like sway your decision. There are so very many children with a vast array of needs who need adults committed to caring for and loving them for however long they may need, which includes until an adoptive family (if you are not hoping to adopt) can be found should reunification not happen. We both work big jobs full time. We have two bio kids in elementary school. We've been fostering for two and a half years. We're currently on kids 10, 11, and 12. We have an infant, a toddler and an elementary schooler who is (ghasp) not in birth order. It's fine. Is it a lot of juggling? Absolutely. There are many more initial appointments when a kid first moves in but that then stabilizes. There are often therapy and/or early intervention appointments and some kids need educational supports. But, you know, you can work it out. There are Saturday and early morning and early evening appointments. There are options for calling in to some stuff. You can toggle with your spouse. You can squeeze parent only appointments during your lunch hour. The thing is that you do need a flexible job or two and a commitment to staying engaged and motivated. Good foster parents are not perfect at all. But, they do need to be able to handle setbacks, lots of red tape and hurting children. Good luck. If you can handle two careers and three kids under six, you can handle this. The first six months post placement are tough then things can get much better. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be parenting five kids but here we are, treading water most days and sometimes swimming! There's just such a need.

Thank you for this. We are starting the home study thru our county. Both of us work, but have decent flexibility. We have two school-aged kids. Our hearts are all in for this but I worry about managing the logistics. Your post is real but reassuring!

I am so glad! Good luck on your journey