Fostering - give it to me straight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to foster as a single woman and I was told no because of my job. They told me there has to be one person (one parent in a two parent family or me in my case) who is available during the workday. They said you can have a job but it has to be very flexible and family friendly. That you have to be able to go to the school when problems arise, take the child to appointments and biofamily visits, meet with the case worker etc. They also want a parent home the bulk of the time when the child isn't in school so one parent who works a short day. They basically said I would either have to work part time or have a very flexible work from home job that didn't really have set hours.

Curious which jurisdiction this was in. Also curious, Do foster parents have any say in when all of those appointments other posters have talked about are scheduled?

Yes, but it’s very hard to get therapy appointments in the evening and if family visits are are supervised then they generally are in business hours if. Social worker is supervising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

[Anonymous]

People have brought up good points. It's time consuming if there are multiple appointments. We had two girls (sisters) who came from a really bad family situation.

There was therapy and doctors appointments all the time. They tended to get sick easily as well. There were court dates we had to attend. There was drama with their mother.

And something else I found although didn't experience it directed at me....it can be very gossipy. The community as a whole pools together resources and donations, but people liked to gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

+1. As a bio single parent, I’m certainly not doing it perfectly. Your post resonated with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

And, who pays for that. Few SLP's go to day cares and few days cares allow it (ours did not). Medicaid is a low reimbursement amount and its hard to find a provider. You don't sound like you did best for the child and did what is best for you. My child needed multiple day a week speech therapy, OT and much more. It would have been impossible to work and do all that. Granted not all kids need all that but they are going to have more needs. What happens in elementary school when they cannot come to the school? Most don't allow outsider providers and what they get in school is minimal at best?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

+1. As a bio single parent, I’m certainly not doing it perfectly. Your post resonated with me.

And, did your biological child have SN? Mental health appointments, social work appointments, doctor appointments, 1-2 time a week supervised family visits? Behavioral issues, especially after the visits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

And, who pays for that. Few SLP's go to day cares and few days cares allow it (ours did not). Medicaid is a low reimbursement amount and its hard to find a provider. You don't sound like you did best for the child and did what is best for you. My child needed multiple day a week speech therapy, OT and much more. It would have been impossible to work and do all that. Granted not all kids need all that but they are going to have more needs. What happens in elementary school when they cannot come to the school? Most don't allow outsider providers and what they get in school is minimal at best?

I am pretty sure that keeping my child in a family, and maintaining a job that allowed me to feed and shelter him is what was best for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

You don't have the same flexibility or control or decision making authority when it is a foster child. You are he caregiver but CPS is the legal guardian and try set the expectations and requirements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

You don't have the same flexibility or control or decision making authority when it is a foster child. You are he caregiver but CPS is the legal guardian and try set the expectations and requirements.

I know, I am a former special needs foster parent (now adoptive parent), and a special ed teacher who has worked with many foster children. The idea that somehow it's "unfair" to foster kids to place them with single parents or dual income couples, when the other option is institutionalization, is absurd. That doesn't mean I think that it's easy. Or that OP should or shouldn't do it, but she shouldn't decide not to foster because she worries that it would be unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

You don't have the same flexibility or control or decision making authority when it is a foster child. You are he caregiver but CPS is the legal guardian and try set the expectations and requirements.

I know, I am a former special needs foster parent (now adoptive parent), and a special ed teacher who has worked with many foster children. The idea that somehow it's "unfair" to foster kids to place them with single parents or dual income couples, when the other option is institutionalization, is absurd. That doesn't mean I think that it's easy. Or that OP should or shouldn't do it, but she shouldn't decide not to foster because she worries that it would be unfair.

Kids in the US are not institutionalized except for severe behavioral or mental health reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

And, who pays for that. Few SLP's go to day cares and few days cares allow it (ours did not). Medicaid is a low reimbursement amount and its hard to find a provider. You don't sound like you did best for the child and did what is best for you. My child needed multiple day a week speech therapy, OT and much more. It would have been impossible to work and do all that. Granted not all kids need all that but they are going to have more needs. What happens in elementary school when they cannot come to the school? Most don't allow outsider providers and what they get in school is minimal at best?

I am pretty sure that keeping my child in a family, and maintaining a job that allowed me to feed and shelter him is what was best for him.

You are completely missing there is far more to fostering than feeding and clothing and what is involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

You don't have the same flexibility or control or decision making authority when it is a foster child. You are he caregiver but CPS is the legal guardian and try set the expectations and requirements.

I know, I am a former special needs foster parent (now adoptive parent), and a special ed teacher who has worked with many foster children. The idea that somehow it's "unfair" to foster kids to place them with single parents or dual income couples, when the other option is institutionalization, is absurd. That doesn't mean I think that it's easy. Or that OP should or shouldn't do it, but she shouldn't decide not to foster because she worries that it would be unfair.

Kids in the US are not institutionalized except for severe behavioral or mental health reasons.

Unfortunately, that is not true. When my child was in early intervention daycare, he had several classmates in group homes (a form of institutionalization). When kids in my class have been removed, they have been places at places like St. Ann's which are institutions. There are kids who live at Hospital for Sick Children in NE, and similar pediatric long term hospitals around the country, who could live in the community, but their families are unable to care for them, and there are no foster or adoptive placements for kids with their medical needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

I am a teacher who has taught many foster kids, and also an adoptive parent.

I have kids who have been in institutional care, or sent to foster homes so far away that they had to give up their school and community too, and kids who were separated from siblings because the only home had one bed. Those things are unfair. A loving foster family and aftercare? That is not a problem for the kid.

The issue is these kids need mental health treatment generally and often have SN that need therapy plus family visits. It’s far more work to do it right. If you do the absolute minimum ok but with that many kids under 6 and working how much time do they have.

As I said, I have walked this path (although I am a single working parent). Was it hard for me? Yes, it was. Did my career look different than it might otherwise have? Of course. Did I sometimes have to make compromises in my kid’s care? Yes of course. I might have chosen the speech therapist who could come to daycare, over the one who was the best, and to only see the psychologist on the weeks we didn’t see the psychiatrist because I couldn’t handle another appointment in a week. Yes. I did. But the idea that somehow it was unfair for my kid for me to try, when the other option for him was an institutional placement? That is absurd.

OP needs to think about what she can give and what she can handle, but if she decides to do foster care the fact that she won’t do it perfectly should not be a worry. Kids need parents. Not perfect parents. Foster kids or bio kids.

And, who pays for that. Few SLP's go to day cares and few days cares allow it (ours did not). Medicaid is a low reimbursement amount and its hard to find a provider. You don't sound like you did best for the child and did what is best for you. My child needed multiple day a week speech therapy, OT and much more. It would have been impossible to work and do all that. Granted not all kids need all that but they are going to have more needs. What happens in elementary school when they cannot come to the school? Most don't allow outsider providers and what they get in school is minimal at best?

I am pretty sure that keeping my child in a family, and maintaining a job that allowed me to feed and shelter him is what was best for him.

You are completely missing there is far more to fostering than feeding and clothing and what is involved.

I was a special needs foster parent for four years before I was able to adopt my son. I know what is involved. I was responding to a parent who implied that working therapy schedules and using daycare so that I could go to work and earn the paycheck that literally kept a roof over our heads was something that wasn't best for my child, it was only best for me.

How am I the person who doesn't understand the realities of foster care? I'm not missing what's involved. I am saying that if OP decides to do it she should recognize that even if things aren't perfect, kids can still benefit from being in a loving family.