Fostering - give it to me straight

[Anonymous]

I am interested in fostering. We have 3 kids (all boys). Currently they are all aged 6 and under. So, I am interested in learning more now and as they grow, potentially becoming involved in the system. I am hesitant to say that we want to foster to adopt. Can anyone give me their opinions and thoughts about fostering? DH and I both work full time, but I could take some leave when the child was first placed with us. We are open to the youngest children, so ages 5 or so and under. I don't know what we can do as working parents, how to reconcile the fact that I think we can handle temporary fostering but are not aiming to adopt (although I'm not sure this is possible? We'd never kick out a child who didnt' have another place to go!!!), and how to figure out all the details. Be gentle - I am interested in learning, so I am ignorant of the day to day reality of fostering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am interested in fostering. We have 3 kids (all boys). Currently they are all aged 6 and under. So, I am interested in learning more now and as they grow, potentially becoming involved in the system. I am hesitant to say that we want to foster to adopt. Can anyone give me their opinions and thoughts about fostering? DH and I both work full time, but I could take some leave when the child was first placed with us. We are open to the youngest children, so ages 5 or so and under. I don't know what we can do as working parents, how to reconcile the fact that I think we can handle temporary fostering but are not aiming to adopt (although I'm not sure this is possible? We'd never kick out a child who didnt' have another place to go!!!), and how to figure out all the details. Be gentle - I am interested in learning, so I am ignorant of the day to day reality of fostering.

My response comes from a place you might not have expected: my son spent more than 2 years in foster placements. (It was a complicated situation, but one thing that brought him back was a federal OCR complaint to DHHS--didn't get the finding I wanted but it brought him home and for whatever reason DHHS kept it open until he was 18).

1. Yes, they want people who intend to foster temporarily. Most kids who go into foster care do so with a formal goal of reunification (what that means in practice can vary considerably).
2. Please do not do this for the purpose of bringing your foster child to Jesus. Those are the worst.
3. If the child has a SN diagnosis, educate yourself about the diagnosis (caseworkers may be knowledgeable, but don't assume that and if they indicate that they do know stuff, don't assume they are correct).
4. There really are two sides in any adversarial legal process, and the result of any such process is always a construct that may or may not conform to reality.
5. It is fairly common for children to exhibit behavioral issues connected with their visitation. This is not necessarily a judgment against their parents; it is evidence that their world is complicated.

[Anonymous]

I think you will find it hard to work full time with four kids, period. A new foster placement can require a lot of time for appointments, medical issues, academics, visitation, and those things tend to be during the work day. Every time you get a new placement, the whole process repeats. I would seriously question whether you have enough flexibility and vacation time at work to juggle it all.

[Anonymous]

You can sign up for respite care or to support a foster family by volunteering. That would help you learn while you assess what you can actually handle.

I too am skeptical that you can do this while working full time. Children in crisis need a lot of attention.

[Anonymous]

I want to do this but I can’t because I understand the foster system doesn’t pay for daycare.

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to foster?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to do this but I can’t because I understand the foster system doesn’t pay for daycare.

Foster kids, at least in DC, are eligible for anything that's income based, so free lunch at school, Medicaid, subsidized daycare, early Head Start, free spot at DC Youth Orchestra etc . . . . Foster parent income is not included in the calculation, so they are considered to be at the very lowest income level. If a DC child is placed in MD, then the system pays for childcare. I don't know if DC kids get placed in VA.

Some of the best daycares in the city take subsidy, but they often have long waiting lists. It might be worth getting on some waiting lists early in the process.

[Anonymous]

Can you handle multiple appointments a week. Doctor, social work visits, therapy? Can you handle behavioral problems? Can you handle a devastated scare child who desperately wants this parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to do this but I can’t because I understand the foster system doesn’t pay for daycare.

You get a stipend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you handle multiple appointments a week. Doctor, social work visits, therapy? Can you handle behavioral problems? Can you handle a devastated scare child who desperately wants this parents?

And can you still give your existing children the care and attention they want and need?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you handle multiple appointments a week. Doctor, social work visits, therapy? Can you handle behavioral problems? Can you handle a devastated scare child who desperately wants this parents?

And can you still give your existing children the care and attention they want and need?

+1

[Anonymous]

You simply can’t do this with two working parents. It isn’t fair to the child.

[Anonymous]

I tried to foster as a single woman and I was told no because of my job. They told me there has to be one person (one parent in a two parent family or me in my case) who is available during the workday. They said you can have a job but it has to be very flexible and family friendly. That you have to be able to go to the school when problems arise, take the child to appointments and biofamily visits, meet with the case worker etc. They also want a parent home the bulk of the time when the child isn't in school so one parent who works a short day. They basically said I would either have to work part time or have a very flexible work from home job that didn't really have set hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to foster as a single woman and I was told no because of my job. They told me there has to be one person (one parent in a two parent family or me in my case) who is available during the workday. They said you can have a job but it has to be very flexible and family friendly. That you have to be able to go to the school when problems arise, take the child to appointments and biofamily visits, meet with the case worker etc. They also want a parent home the bulk of the time when the child isn't in school so one parent who works a short day. They basically said I would either have to work part time or have a very flexible work from home job that didn't really have set hours.

Curious which jurisdiction this was in. Also curious, Do foster parents have any say in when all of those appointments other posters have talked about are scheduled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to foster as a single woman and I was told no because of my job. They told me there has to be one person (one parent in a two parent family or me in my case) who is available during the workday. They said you can have a job but it has to be very flexible and family friendly. That you have to be able to go to the school when problems arise, take the child to appointments and biofamily visits, meet with the case worker etc. They also want a parent home the bulk of the time when the child isn't in school so one parent who works a short day. They basically said I would either have to work part time or have a very flexible work from home job that didn't really have set hours.

Curious which jurisdiction this was in. Also curious, Do foster parents have any say in when all of those appointments other posters have talked about are scheduled?

You have a little bit of say if you're the one making the appointment. But just like any other doctor's appointment, you don't necessarily get your pick of times. There are rules and requirements about children in foster care seeing doctor and dentist very soon, and you might be dealing with a child who has never had any dental care, so there might be a lot of appointments. Then of course there's everything that takes place at school (like, say, meeting with the child's teacher or special ed coordinator) and that's going to be during school hours most likely. You may also have a child with behaviors, so the school will call you when a situation arises and expect you to show up on short notice if the child cannot return to class. Also some children in foster care have medical conditions that need to be dealt with, just like any other child may have an illness or condition.

There will also be court, which you may or may not be required or want to attend, and you don't get to pick the time for that, the judge does. Also visitation with one or both bio parents and with extended family, which you may or may not be required to supervise. And caseworker meetings and home visits. You might get some input into time and location, but it's not like you get to just pick what you want and everyone else has to accept it. So it really, really adds up to a lot of time during the work day. Add that to the OP's other three kids living their kid lives with doctor appointments and parent-teacher conferences and getting pinkeye and everything else that might cause a parent to miss work, and it's a lot.