At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something

[Anonymous]

OP again- think a small boat that he wants to fix up, not sail, just fix up for the fun of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the fixation on the item? How does it matter? She’s explained why she’s opposed— because it will drain time she doesn’t not have.

it's

It's called "information."

Rational people try to get "information" before making a decision or a judgment.

Before anyone can decide whether the purchase was wise or unwise, we have to know what it is.

There is no "fixation" on the item.

But OP's refusal to tell us what it is, is clearly deliberate, and the ONLY reasons she's refusing to divulge it, is because she feels, or knows, that her opposition to it is unjustifiable.

To put it to you in terms that maybe are simpler, so you can understand on a level you are capable of, let's say OP and her spouse were fighting over a birthday gift for a baby.

OP tells us "My spouse bought a totally inappropriate gift for the baby, we had a big fight over it, who was in the right?" but won't tell us what the baby gift was.

It makes a difference if the baby gift is a rattle, or a rattlesnake.

But if you believe willful ignorance is a good basis for you to make decisions, or render advice, then my hat is off to you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason I can’t tell you guys what it is is because it’s such a large, unwieldy and frankly strange item that my entire neighborhood would know who I am at this point. I haven’t really touched on that but I am also very upset about the size of the item.

Let me explain what our weekends are like. I am not biglaw but work biglaw hours with the associated salary. I am constantly behind on work because of stuff I have to do for the kids that my DH won’t do (I won’t get into the specifics but trust me on this- all the random kid shit is my responsibility). He already has plenty of hobbies and gets this into this hyper focus mode where he devotes every free second to the hobby du jour and I have to pick up the slack, which frankly I do not have the time or the emotional bandwidth to do. At all.

I feel for you, but it sounds like this purchase is a symptom of a larger problem, which is in inequitable division of labor in your household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.

This is just masking the issue at hand.

+1 This is what OP said: "Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason I can’t tell you guys what it is is because it’s such a large, unwieldy and frankly strange item that my entire neighborhood would know who I am at this point. I haven’t really touched on that but I am also very upset about the size of the item.

Let me explain what our weekends are like. I am not biglaw but work biglaw hours with the associated salary. I am constantly behind on work because of stuff I have to do for the kids that my DH won’t do (I won’t get into the specifics but trust me on this- all the random kid shit is my responsibility). He already has plenty of hobbies and gets this into this hyper focus mode where he devotes every free second to the hobby du jour and I have to pick up the slack, which frankly I do not have the time or the emotional bandwidth to do. At all.

Like I said upthread, your communication skills are basically non-existent.

I assume your spouse's are equally bad.

Of course you are having constant fights and not getting anywhere.

You are passive aggressive and refuse to answer simple questions.

If you and your spouse have been playing these games with each other for the duration of your marriage, it's no wonder things have now reached a crisis point.

Do you actually think you are such a unique snowflake that your neighbors would care about what you and your husband are fighting over?

Holy Crap. The world doesn't revolve around you!. Your neighbors are busy with their own problems, I assure you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again- think a small boat that he wants to fix up, not sail, just fix up for the fun of it.

Leaving everything else up to you while he's involved with his hobby.

How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry OP. It sounds maddening. Do you actually still love this guy? If so, sounds like some counseling may be in order. I would feel very betrayed in your shoes, and would be taking a hard look at the good and bad on the relationship front. At a minimum, I would take the kids on a fun trip while he starts the process of restoring the Chris-Craft (or whatever).

[Anonymous]

Is there just one crazy person on this thread giving OP a hard time? It’s weird.

[Anonymous]

My first thought is it's a camper or boat that will make OP identifiable easily. No one wants their neighbors in their business.

Not much advice except you both need to sit down together and figure out what kind of life you want (working all the time doesn't sound like much of a life to me) and work TOGETHER to come up with a plan to achieve that life. Figure out what truly needs to be done on a daily basis and when, then divvy up the duties. Outsource what you can...if kids are in school, have them eat lunch at school vs packing lunches every day, buy precooked chicken and salads a couple times a week, have someone help with housekeeping or laundry etc. See if you can buy back some time. Look for a job that's less demanding (personally, that's where I'd start.)

The key is you both take on the household responsibilities and you both get equal down time, but you need to work together to figure out the best way to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

OK

So OP what you're actually saying is it has nothing to do with the object he purchased itself.

It's that according to you, your spouse will be spending so much time doing "whatever" with this object, that he will not be available to do household tasks and chores that you have decided he should prioritize.

If that's correct, then why put so much emphasis-in fact, why put any emphasis-on the purchase?

Why not just frame your complaint as being that your spouse isn't prioritizing the household chores and task that you would like him to prioritize? Does it really matter what he purchased?

You're making the argument about the purchase, when it has nothing to do with the purchase.

It's about how you believe your husband should allocate his TIME vs. how you think he should allocate his TIME.

What he purchased is irrelevant.

You want him to help you with child care in some fashion, and he doesn't want to help you.

Why did you make your fight with him about what he purchased, rather than about the fact that you feel he isn't pulling his weight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again- think a small boat that he wants to fix up, not sail, just fix up for the fun of it.

...And you told him he was not allowed to purchase the "boat" because you thought he would spend too much time playing with it, rather than spending his time the way you think he should spend his time.

And you get to dictate how he should be spending his time, why, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Tell him to treat his ADHD and do more for his family otherwise you will divorce him. Then buy plane tickets and a vacation without him and say he needs to really think about his options before you get back. Give him a list of all you do that he doesn’t, with times attached.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first thought is it's a camper or boat that will make OP identifiable easily. No one wants their neighbors in their business.

Not much advice except you both need to sit down together and figure out what kind of life you want (working all the time doesn't sound like much of a life to me) and work TOGETHER to come up with a plan to achieve that life. Figure out what truly needs to be done on a daily basis and when, then divvy up the duties. Outsource what you can...if kids are in school, have them eat lunch at school vs packing lunches every day, buy precooked chicken and salads a couple times a week, have someone help with housekeeping or laundry etc. See if you can buy back some time. Look for a job that's less demanding (personally, that's where I'd start.)

The key is you both take on the household responsibilities and you both get equal down time, but you need to work together to figure out the best way to make it happen.

It doesn't matter what it is.

OP doesn't like the way her husband prioritizes his time. She thinks he wastes time that she thinks he should be doing other things.

She hasn't explained why she thinks it's up to her to decide how her husband uses his time, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Tell him to treat his ADHD and do more for his family otherwise you will divorce him. Then buy plane tickets and a vacation without him and say he needs to really think about his options before you get back. Give him a list of all you do that he doesn’t, with times attached.

She's gonna end up divorced if she does that, but it doesn't sound like she actually wants to get divorced.

OP, instead of going on vacation, why don't you try to participate in your husband's hobbies, rather than denouncing them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.

This is just masking the issue at hand.

+1 This is what OP said: "Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment"

How would it be a huge time suck for her, if her spouse bought this thing? It might be a huge time suck for him.

How is it a huge time suck for her?