At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it a puppy?
Is it a trampoline?

You guys need your own money.

For joint things, the point is not to agree on everything. The point is to decide when you MUST say no to something your partner wants and when you can say yes.

Dude, it’s not about the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: This has absolutely nothing to do with money and it’s just about time. Sorry, should have made that clear. Our disagreements typically have nothing to do with money, it’s always time. Which we basically have none of, so anything that I do for myself impacts him and vice versa.

What.Is.The.Item.That.You.Are.In.Disagreement.About?

Why.Do.You.Refuse.To.Tell.Us.?

[Anonymous]

I conclude, because OP is deliberately concealing what the item her spouse purchased actually is, that OP is clearly in the wrong.

If she told us what the item is, her objection would not be justifiable, and she is obviously aware of that.

[Anonymous]

You should have time to do things that are enjoyable - for hobbies and interests etc.

Maybe this is a sign to step back and look at your lives and see where you can create more downtime and time to relax and do the things you enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: This has absolutely nothing to do with money and it’s just about time. Sorry, should have made that clear. Our disagreements typically have nothing to do with money, it’s always time. Which we basically have none of, so anything that I do for myself impacts him and vice versa.

OP Am I interpreting this right that your DH wanted to buy an object that he will use for enjoyment (a kayak? A pottery wheel? Golf clubs? A piano?) and you said no because his spending time on the activity will mean he’ll have less time for the family/household and more will fall on you?

Do you have to be the fun police like that? Can you support the hobby but just work on the home work split, if that’s the issue? Hobbies are good for us. Maybe you can get a babysitter or a maid and do the hobby together.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing it's hobby-related, which is touchy because though it's about time (and time taken away from OP and kids) it's also about denying her DH his interests. Is that right, OP? If so, that's a tough one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have time to do things that are enjoyable - for hobbies and interests etc.

Maybe this is a sign to step back and look at your lives and see where you can create more downtime and time to relax and do the things you enjoy.

+1

[Anonymous]

What is the fixation on the item? How does it matter? She’s explained why she’s opposed— because it will drain time she doesn’t not have.

[Anonymous]

You sound very controlling. DH is an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I conclude, because OP is deliberately concealing what the item her spouse purchased actually is, that OP is clearly in the wrong.

If she told us what the item is, her objection would not be justifiable, and she is obviously aware of that.

My guess is that either the item is unique enough to be identifying to anyone’s who knows about it in real life, or OP doesn’t want to get into a debate about whether or not she should take on the burden of the particular thing at the expense of talking about the problem in her marriage (spouse making unilateral decisions without regard for the impact to the other spouse). Unless the thing is getting needed cancer treatment, whether any of us would be okay with our spouse getting it is irrelevant to whether OP is or should be okay with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.

+1 And OP, the more you discounted your spouse’s wants the more controlling you became. Of course an adult is going to rebel against that. You two need to figure out how to meet your financial goals while still having the ability to purchase personal items.

DP. Just noting that OP says spouse has said no to things OP wanted to do/buy before this. But OP (as far as we know) didn't "rebel" by going out in an angry huff and immediately doing/buying what spouse said no to.... So should OP have gone what you indicate is the "adult" thing by storming off previously when the spouse said no? Both of them seem pretty invested in having veto power.

Not defending either side here but pointing out that while you're saying OP was being controlling, OP pretty clearly says the spouse has said no more than once. So why is OP the controlling one to you, but spouse isn't, and it's somehow natural for spouse to jump out of bed to go make a disputed purchase?

OP, you and spouse need couples counseling pronto, focusing on communication skills and on airing these resentments that have built up. Your post mentions how much you resent spouse's earlier "no"s. Get help as a couple or you sound like your lack of communication and different priorities will split you apart.

Because OP is here bitching about something their spouse did. They are welcome to redirect the post so that the point becomes that they are mad that they never buy what they want. But that isn’t what OP made the post about.

You do not try to control other adults. When you do, this is what you get.

[Anonymous]

Is it a boat?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t feel any need to know what the item is, but it might be helpful in the discussion of where to go from here to understand whether it’s something that will directly take up your time (e.g., a puppy that you will need to care for when your spouse isn’t right there to do it), or something like a kayak that doesn’t require your time directly, but will take him away from the home for significant amounts of time, leaving you to use your limited time to cover for what he’s not doing,

[Anonymous]

The reason I can’t tell you guys what it is is because it’s such a large, unwieldy and frankly strange item that my entire neighborhood would know who I am at this point. I haven’t really touched on that but I am also very upset about the size of the item.

Let me explain what our weekends are like. I am not biglaw but work biglaw hours with the associated salary. I am constantly behind on work because of stuff I have to do for the kids that my DH won’t do (I won’t get into the specifics but trust me on this- all the random kid shit is my responsibility). He already has plenty of hobbies and gets this into this hyper focus mode where he devotes every free second to the hobby du jour and I have to pick up the slack, which frankly I do not have the time or the emotional bandwidth to do. At all.

[Anonymous]

I would book that plane ticket.