At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something

[Anonymous]

I’m posting because I’m not really sure how to handle and where to go from here. Spouse and I have frequent disagreements on random things the other person wants to do. I am not using the word disagreements as a euphemism, they are typically just that- disagreements. They usually don’t end up in huge fights, typically the person wanting something doesn’t get their way if the other doesn’t agree, and is some level of bummed but we all move on.

We had a disagreement like this last night where both of us felt passionately about our side. Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment, and needed to make a decision immediately. I explained how uncomfortable I was with this and then ultimately took a firmer stance and said NO. It’s also something very large so it’s not like we can shove it in a closet and forget about it. Spouse basically said F U and went and got it anyway. Literally got out of bed at night right before we were about to have sex (I’m not sure this is relevant, but it was the icing on the cake). The best example I can give would be buying a used Peloton on Craigslist at a great price and needing to buy it immediately before someone else did.

I am so PISSED. I’m just angry. And sad/hurt. There have been so many things I have wanted over the years (or even this weekend!!!) that I’ve missed out on because of spouse saying no. I feel like spouse may as well be the “fun police” who shoots down all my fun ideas and always has. I can honestly say it wouldn’t have even occurred to me to just go do these things anyway. I may complain but I would never, ever say FU and go buy the plane ticket to Europe, for example. I feel so manipulated. It’s like clearly spouse thought this through and decided I’d throw a fit but eventually move on and at the end of the day they would get their way and I would have to suck it up and get over it eventually. Like an asshole that violates HOA guidelines by building a structure after the board rejected it, simply because they wanted it so badly and knew no one would make them tear it down.

Just wondering what others would do in this case. It’s not about buying the Peloton anymore, it’s about what that represents. The more I try to “cool off” and reflect, the more betrayed I feel.

[Anonymous]

And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pp, you both need your iwn slush fund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.

This is just masking the issue at hand. It doesn’t matter whose bank account it comes out of. Or at least it doesn’t to most people.

My husband and I discuss and agree on most financial decisions. However I assume we won’t always and that once in a while, one of us will do something we shouldn’t do financially.

Unless things like this continue I’d give your spouse a break

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with pp, you both need your iwn slush fund.

How does this help unless someone outside of the marriage is funding it?

The spouse isn’t dumb. If she or he buys something ridiculous and silly, that money could have been saved, paid the mortgage etc. Foesnt matter whose account it is in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.

+1 And OP, the more you discounted your spouse’s wants the more controlling you became. Of course an adult is going to rebel against that. You two need to figure out how to meet your financial goals while still having the ability to purchase personal items.

[Anonymous]

DH and I recently went through a similar conversation. I really wanted something that DH thought was too expensive (or rather, he didn’t see the need for the expense). The object I wanted was in my area of interest and I knew it was priced well and fairly unique. There have been several times when DH Aja’s wanted to get something that I don’t see the need for at all (like a Peloton!) and don’t feel comfortable with the money. But, because it is important to him, and I want to support him, I went along with it.

So as we were arguing about this object, I simply reminded him of all those things and said I’m going to get “x”. It means a lot to me, and it would mean even more if you would support me in this matter. Once it sunk in that I wasn’t asking permission as much as letting him know it was happening and it would mean a lot to have him on board as I have been in the past, he said fine. He still grumbles about it, but sees my point. If your DH had approached it like that then I think it would have been much better.

Going forward this should be your MO-you shouldn’t need to ask your husband’s permission on things that are very important to you (barring international travel-that’s a whole different deal!), but you would like his support. Then get it even if he doesn’t give it to you (obviously this shouldnonly be for VERY important things, not trivial items). And yes, separate accounts wth some spending money can’t hirt either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m posting because I’m not really sure how to handle and where to go from here. Spouse and I have frequent disagreements on random things the other person wants to do. I am not using the word disagreements as a euphemism, they are typically just that- disagreements. They usually don’t end up in huge fights, typically the person wanting something doesn’t get their way if the other doesn’t agree, and is some level of bummed but we all move on.

We had a disagreement like this last night where both of us felt passionately about our side. Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment, and needed to make a decision immediately. I explained how uncomfortable I was with this and then ultimately took a firmer stance and said NO. It’s also something very large so it’s not like we can shove it in a closet and forget about it. Spouse basically said F U and went and got it anyway. Literally got out of bed at night right before we were about to have sex (I’m not sure this is relevant, but it was the icing on the cake). The best example I can give would be buying a used Peloton on Craigslist at a great price and needing to buy it immediately before someone else did.

I am so PISSED. I’m just angry. And sad/hurt. There have been so many things I have wanted over the years (or even this weekend!!!) that I’ve missed out on because of spouse saying no. I feel like spouse may as well be the “fun police” who shoots down all my fun ideas and always has. I can honestly say it wouldn’t have even occurred to me to just go do these things anyway. I may complain but I would never, ever say FU and go buy the plane ticket to Europe, for example. I feel so manipulated. It’s like clearly spouse thought this through and decided I’d throw a fit but eventually move on and at the end of the day they would get their way and I would have to suck it up and get over it eventually. Like an asshole that violates HOA guidelines by building a structure after the board rejected it, simply because they wanted it so badly and knew no one would make them tear it down.

Just wondering what others would do in this case. It’s not about buying the Peloton anymore, it’s about what that represents. The more I try to “cool off” and reflect, the more betrayed I feel.

One of the problems I am quite sure both you and your spouse have, is very poor communication skills.

You never said exactly WHAT the mystery item your spouse bought actually is.

How could anyone objectively decide whether the purchase was a reasonable one, without knowing 1) what it is & 2) how much it costs (at a minimum, we would need to know those two things).

Instead, you compared it to a craigslist peloton.

But it's NOT a craigslist peloton.

Why can't you, on an anonymous message board, say what the item actually is?

Because you're a very poor communicator.

You withhold important information.

I'm sure you wife has similar traits, and I'm sure this dysfunctional interaction style has been going on throughout your relationship, on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with pp, you both need your iwn slush fund.

How does this help unless someone outside of the marriage is funding it?

The spouse isn’t dumb. If she or he buys something ridiculous and silly, that money could have been saved, paid the mortgage etc. Foesnt matter whose account it is in.

Because it is part of our overall budget that we both agree to in the beginning of the year. What one person thinks is “silly” is something someone else may value.

[Anonymous]

I think the posters focusing on the money aspect of this is ignoring what OP said about the time commitment and extra burden it would put on her plate. It sounds like the thing in question might be more like a puppy than a Peloton.

[Anonymous]

OP: This has absolutely nothing to do with money and it’s just about time. Sorry, should have made that clear. Our disagreements typically have nothing to do with money, it’s always time. Which we basically have none of, so anything that I do for myself impacts him and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.

She said she was opposed because it was a huge time suck. That’s not an issue addressed by separate bank accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.

+1 And OP, the more you discounted your spouse’s wants the more controlling you became. Of course an adult is going to rebel against that. You two need to figure out how to meet your financial goals while still having the ability to purchase personal items.

DP. Just noting that OP says spouse has said no to things OP wanted to do/buy before this. But OP (as far as we know) didn't "rebel" by going out in an angry huff and immediately doing/buying what spouse said no to.... So should OP have gone what you indicate is the "adult" thing by storming off previously when the spouse said no? Both of them seem pretty invested in having veto power.

Not defending either side here but pointing out that while you're saying OP was being controlling, OP pretty clearly says the spouse has said no more than once. So why is OP the controlling one to you, but spouse isn't, and it's somehow natural for spouse to jump out of bed to go make a disputed purchase?

OP, you and spouse need couples counseling pronto, focusing on communication skills and on airing these resentments that have built up. Your post mentions how much you resent spouse's earlier "no"s. Get help as a couple or you sound like your lack of communication and different priorities will split you apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: This has absolutely nothing to do with money and it’s just about time. Sorry, should have made that clear. Our disagreements typically have nothing to do with money, it’s always time. Which we basically have none of, so anything that I do for myself impacts him and vice versa.

Crap! I gave the gender breakdown away! Well before anyone calls me a lazy SAHM (I personally do not believe that SAHMs are lazy at all,
FYI), just wanted to point out that I have a very time intensive job and work more hours than he does. If that’s even relevant.

[Anonymous]

Is it a puppy?
Is it a trampoline?

You guys need your own money.

For joint things, the point is not to agree on everything. The point is to decide when you MUST say no to something your partner wants and when you can say yes.