At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at OP's thread title.

It's not: "Spouse doesn't help out with the chores enough."

It's not: "Spouse made an impulsive buying decision that I disagree with."

It's: "Spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something."

OP is upset because she told her husband "No!" like a dictator and she learned she actually wasn't the family dictator.

The funny thing about marriage is that you give up some of your freedom in exchange for sharing your life with another person. Many times you still get exactly what you want and sometimes you don't. If you want exactly what you want all the time without considering another person's needs or wants, then you don't get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason I can’t tell you guys what it is is because it’s such a large, unwieldy and frankly strange item that my entire neighborhood would know who I am at this point. I haven’t really touched on that but I am also very upset about the size of the item.

Let me explain what our weekends are like. I am not biglaw but work biglaw hours with the associated salary. I am constantly behind on work because of stuff I have to do for the kids that my DH won’t do (I won’t get into the specifics but trust me on this- all the random kid shit is my responsibility). He already has plenty of hobbies and gets this into this hyper focus mode where he devotes every free second to the hobby du jour and I have to pick up the slack, which frankly I do not have the time or the emotional bandwidth to do. At all.

I feel for you, but it sounds like this purchase is a symptom of a larger problem, which is in inequitable division of labor in your household.

Yup. If you have $, then hire a mother's helper or nanny to run the kids around, sign them up for stuff, etc. If you don't or don't want to, then pare down their activities to what you can handle and be blunt with your husband as to why you are doing it.

PS - I have a SIL whose husband is kind of similar. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.

This is just masking the issue at hand.

+1 This is what OP said: "Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment"

How would it be a huge time suck for her, if her spouse bought this thing? It might be a huge time suck for him.

How is it a huge time suck for her?

Because he abandons all responsibility for family duties. I too, would be pretty pissed off if I was doing everything for the kids and house and he was out fixing his boat or whatever. It's selfish on his part.

[Anonymous]

This kind of dynamic breeds resentment that usually destroys marriages. You should ask him to go to couples counseling so that you can have effective communication about the imbalance in your relationship and you can productively convey to him how his decision to take unilateral action against your wishes impacts you and your relationship. Sounds like this is about more than this one incident and is really about you feeling like you carry the heavier load in the family and that he indulges himself at your expense while getting in the way of you getting a break/ indulging yourself. Been there, done that. Now divorced and relieved.

[Anonymous]

I'd hit the roof if my spouse brought home a puppy.

That's almost as bad as bringing home a freaking baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound really controlling OP. You need your own money, if not to start saving it for when he divorces you for being the way you are.

YOu sound like an idiot with piss poor reading comprehension skills. Why don't you put some effort into that instead?

--NP

[Anonymous]

I've been thinking about it and I think it's a vintage car or motorcycle.

[Anonymous]

I'm 94.7% sure you're my neighbor based on the way you type, and a facebook status about something he's picking up today HAHAHAHAHAHA omg

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd hit the roof if my spouse brought home a puppy.

That's almost as bad as bringing home a freaking baby.

Ha. My spouse did this after I specifically asked him not to. Now we have a dog. I was annoyed for a long time. But I never even thought about hitting the roof. I don't think I know how to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.

This is just masking the issue at hand.

+1 This is what OP said: "Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment"

How would it be a huge time suck for her, if her spouse bought this thing? It might be a huge time suck for him.

How is it a huge time suck for her?

Because he abandons all responsibility for family duties. I too, would be pretty pissed off if I was doing everything for the kids and house and he was out fixing his boat or whatever. It's selfish on his part.

Then thread should have been titled, and focused on, the fact that husband just doesn't do enough around the house. The reason why is not really relevant (unless he is pulling double shifts or something.)

That's not how OP has chosen to frame things however. She has chosen to view the relationship as one giant long running argument and the only thing that really matters is who wins or loses the argument. She laid down an ultimatum (don't buy the boat) and lost the argument.

All she really needed to say is my husband doesn't do his fair share of the work around the house, how do I change that?

So the issue reallly isn't even about that. It's about this arguing dynamic the two of them have. That's why they're always arguing and can never seem to cooperate. This time it's a boat, next time it will be some other "reason."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This kind of dynamic breeds resentment that usually destroys marriages. You should ask him to go to couples counseling so that you can have effective communication about the imbalance in your relationship and you can productively convey to him how his decision to take unilateral action against your wishes impacts you and your relationship. Sounds like this is about more than this one incident and is really about you feeling like you carry the heavier load in the family and that he indulges himself at your expense while getting in the way of you getting a break/ indulging yourself. Been there, done that. Now divorced and relieved.

Wrong.

OP has to stop making the argument about what she "wishes" or "wants" and the fact that he doesn't give her what she "wishes" or "wants." That makes it a directly confrontational argument.

OP needs to talk about it not by personalizing it, but from a functional perspective.

"If you buy that boat, WE will not be able to get all the household chores done."

NOT: "Do NOT buy that boat, I forbid it!"

[Anonymous]

OP is mad because she has been considerate of her DH in past decisions (if he says no, she doesn’t buy it). But now she has taken a stance and he isn’t reciprocating this deference to peace. He‘s inconsiderate. He doesn’t care that she was really opposed to this purchase and that make her upset. Either she has to start treating him and their marriage the same way (unlikely, she‘s probably too scared to do something he seriously opposed to) or live with the boat.

[Anonymous]

Women need to learn that their polite deference to their husbands will rarely go reciprocated, because frankly, men aren’t that self-sacrificing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.

+1 And OP, the more you discounted your spouse’s wants the more controlling you became. Of course an adult is going to rebel against that. You two need to figure out how to meet your financial goals while still having the ability to purchase personal items.

DP. Just noting that OP says spouse has said no to things OP wanted to do/buy before this. But OP (as far as we know) didn't "rebel" by going out in an angry huff and immediately doing/buying what spouse said no to.... So should OP have gone what you indicate is the "adult" thing by storming off previously when the spouse said no? Both of them seem pretty invested in having veto power.

Not defending either side here but pointing out that while you're saying OP was being controlling, OP pretty clearly says the spouse has said no more than once. So why is OP the controlling one to you, but spouse isn't, and it's somehow natural for spouse to jump out of bed to go make a disputed purchase?

OP, you and spouse need couples counseling pronto, focusing on communication skills and on airing these resentments that have built up. Your post mentions how much you resent spouse's earlier "no"s. Get help as a couple or you sound like your lack of communication and different priorities will split you apart.

Because OP is here bitching about something their spouse did. They are welcome to redirect the post so that the point becomes that they are mad that they never buy what they want. But that isn’t what OP made the post about.

You do not try to control other adults. When you do, this is what you get.

Oh, OK, so DH (we know now it's a DH) gets to jump out of bed to prove his point that he Won't Be Controlled and that's what OP deserves, in your opinion. He's not controlling when he says no to OP but it's control when OP says no to him. Got it. OP was just "redirecting the post" but of course the real problem is OP. As it always is, for some posters on DCUM.

You have some major reading comprehension problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound really controlling OP. You need your own money, if not to start saving it for when he divorces you for being the way you are.

+1