parents of unpopular kids - how do you stop feeling sad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh OP, I'm sorry. I know it hurts. Did she have any pals from elem. school? Are they maybe kids she can reconnect with and invite over? FWIW, I ended up making my BFF half-way through my first year of jr. high. It was a girl who at first I was a little put off by, I thought she ran with a fast crowd (whatever that means in 7th grade!). But it turned out that was all talk and we ended up finding out we had a lot in common and hit it off. Maybe you can reassure DD that it's still early in the new school year and there is probably someone in one of her classes she'll connect with.

Until then I'd keep her busy with extracurriculars. That's what I did with DS who had a rough go of it socially in MS. We were a small majority from our ES who fed into a different MS from most of his 5th grade, and it was hard for him to break into any of the groups that carried over. So I completely get it.

this is exactly our situation. how long till friendships become stronger?

[Anonymous]

My DS struggles with some social cues and popularity-

a) I do encourage him to be friendly with nicer, nerdier kids. Those kids really are his tribe.

b) MS is a tough time because parents are no longer making the arrangements and kids who are more awkward/shy struggle.

I told my son that if he wants to get together with friends, I will do everything in my power to help (drive, host, come up with ideas)- but I can't issue the invites and make the friends. He has to put himself out there. It helps that he's socially motivated enough to chance rejection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem oddly invested in you DD's social life. Maybe time to step away. I was the popular kid in school, and my daughter just isn't. She's more introverted than I am, and I love her and accept that. If your DD is really asking for your help, maybe organize some parties and activities like a concert or ice skating and have her invite some people she's like to be friends with. Or get your friends that have similar age kids and make it a casual mom and daughter activity.

I hate to see PPs like this. There is nothing odd about caring about your DD and wishing her a happy life. We are supposed to be there for our kids, even in Middle School. Heck, my own mom still cares about my life and gives good advice. OP, take the advice from other PPs who say to be her friend and help her as much as you see appropriate (and that she wants). You are a good mom and she will be fine. FWIW, my DD is not very popular but has connected with a few nice girls. She has no interest in the "popular" girls as they are generally not very friendly at her school. Popular does not necessarily equal well-liked, or success later in life.

I agree. Every single mom wants their child to be happy. However, with things like this, remember that it hurts us much more than it hurts them. You can't control everything, and if you try to, it often backfires.

[Anonymous]

Since you asked how to make *yourself* feel better, have you ever noticed how in interviews successful people almost always talk about how they were nerdy or weird or uncool or unpopular or hated high school or whatever? Even for famous movie stars, I feel like I see this more often than not. I don't imagine that would resonate with a teen, but maybe it can make you feel better.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't want to socialize how does she expect to be invited anywhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn't want to socialize how does she expect to be invited anywhere?[/quote
where did you get the impression she doesn't want to socialize?

[Anonymous]

Often it is the perception that others are ignoring you, when in fact your own shyness or social anxiety is putting up a wall between you and others. You have to speak to others to initiate start of friendships. I have a ds who sounds exactly like op's dd. It is him, not all the other kids that perceives things the same way. Due to social anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP, you do realize that statistically, MOST teens are NOT popular, right? I think YOU are placing too much emphasis on popularity!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^and btw, you can act as your kid's friend. I'm not talking about the usual topic of being your kid's friend to the exclusion of being a responsible parent, but I'm talking about *in addition* to all the responsible parenting. My teen jokes sometimes how she's "pathetic because my mom is my best friend," and I say, "Hey, I make a great friend! And once you're an adult and my job of daily parenting is over, we're going to have even better times!"

Exactly and your mom can’t ditch you or move on to another friend!

Mom of boys, but I agree with this. I never expected that my 12-year-olds would have "social lives." They went to school, did their extracurricular activities, were invited to the occasional party or play date, but these weren't common (for my oldest DS, these were very uncommon). At home, we played cards and games, baked, watched movies/TV, I read to them, and we planned family outings and activities. It never occurred to me that this was something to feel sad about.

I think you should warmly sympathize with your DD if she is unhappy, but stop catastrophizing. Your DD is normal, she's doing what many (even a majority of) kids her age are doing. There is nothing to feel sad about here. By providing all kinds of advice and strategies, you are encouraging the notion that something is wrong here that needs fixing. She has fun at extracurriculars, had a friend over who she enjoyed (yet she dropped this friendship why?), she's totally normal.

FWIW, my DS1 didn't really have a "social life" until he was a senior in high school. DS2 is more social, now at 15 has some close friends he loves to hang out with. Still spends most nights at home with us.

+1
One is my boys was happy being with the family for a long time. The other one was planning his own social life with friends in elementary school. I think there is a wide range of normal!

[Anonymous]

I try not to worry about this too much. Certainly the former nerds rule the world now, so I mostly focus on making sure my kids are happy not popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem oddly invested in you DD's social life. Maybe time to step away. I was the popular kid in school, and my daughter just isn't. She's more introverted than I am, and I love her and accept that. If your DD is really asking for your help, maybe organize some parties and activities like a concert or ice skating and have her invite some people she's like to be friends with. Or get your friends that have similar age kids and make it a casual mom and daughter activity.

I hate to see PPs like this. There is nothing odd about caring about your DD and wishing her a happy life. We are supposed to be there for our kids, even in Middle School. Heck, my own mom still cares about my life and gives good advice. OP, take the advice from other PPs who say to be her friend and help her as much as you see appropriate (and that she wants). You are a good mom and she will be fine. FWIW, my DD is not very popular but has connected with a few nice girls. She has no interest in the "popular" girls as they are generally not very friendly at her school. Popular does not necessarily equal well-liked, or success later in life.

THANK YOU...yes to the 2nd post here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with "investing" in this situation. The popular PP has no clue what her DD could be feeling b/c she lived such a charmed middle school life that she can't possibly relate to the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy that festers inside adolescent girls at this age. And as this responder says, OP isn't interested in her daughter being "POPULAR"...she just wants to help her find "her people" and not be lonely or alone. That's all.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are describing my daughter too. Wish they could find each other! I think it’s important our girls know that middle school is pretty tough on everyone, and that’s theyre definitely not the only ones feeling this way, even if it feels that way to them. I normalize it for my DD, and just try to build her up as best as I can.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't force the invitations. First, she's only in 6th grade! Certainly don't let her think you're concerned about her being "unpopular." I'd agree that the best way to form bonds is for your DD to get involved in activities outside of regular school:

- after school clubs (tell her she has to do at least one each semester)
- the school play (even just doing the set crew)
- sports (has to do at last one in fall and one in spring)
- church youth group
- scouts
- weekend ski camp/lessons

Bonds aren't formed by going to class and brief school bus and cafeteria chatter; bonds are formed outside of the day-to-day. Playdates generally cease to be a thing by 3rd or 4th grade. Sports are often the biggest way to do this, but the other things listed above are great too. Saturday mornings, I see sometimes youngish (age 9/10/11?) girls at Washington Episcopal School doing lacrosse practice -- working really hard -- (I'm there for my kids' soccer games on the other field) -- I'm sure they are establishing bonds and friendships together by that shared sweat, hard work, and companionship. And those bonds will absolutely carry over to the school day.

The more your DD can do outside school, the more bonds she'll develop (of course, this doesn't happen overnight). My kids have friends outside of regular school, which I think is great - some "summer" friends who go to other schools but live in the neighborhood, kids at church youth group (weekend ski trips, sailing trip, retreats really help), kids in their grade and other grades they've gotten to know due to working on the school play each year, etc. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Our kids figured this out through summer camps.

All through ES, every two weeks over the summer, they went to a different camp.

Each time they had to find "camp friends". They learned that "camp friends" weren't life long but that they made camp more fun.

Mostly, all the kids were excited about the camp activity so that kept the pressure to find friends lower than at school.

By MS, they were doing it at sleep away camp.

They were more than ready for their freshman floor at college.

[Anonymous]

OP here. thanks for all the great advice. I definitely dont want her to be popular, that comes with it's own set of challenges. I just want her to have one or two real good friends that she can have fun with and depend on. she is in several activities which helps her confidence but she doesnt really click with anyone. I would love for her to find a couple nerds to befriend!