parents of unpopular kids - how do you stop feeling sad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she actually is involved in activities and generally enjoys them, but still, only surface friendships that don't amount to spending more time together outside the activity. we did encourage her to invite one girl over and although they had a nice time, the invite was not reciprocated and that was that.

Friendships take a while and they say it takes many many hours of spending time together to get deep friendships. Sometimes quiet introverted kids take longer to develop friendships but once they have them the friendships stay usually. You may have to reach out on her behalf and set up some play dates and just be proactive until she starts feeling comfortable. It’s not too late for tonight. Can you reach out and see what anyone else is doing? Do you have any friends in the grade that you know? If not you should try to make an effort to get to know at least a few of the parents. It will get better. If you can’t try to get something last minute tonight then maybe take her to do something fun like a movie or take her to buy something cute? Icecream? It’s a nice night.

[Anonymous]

^^and btw, you can act as your kid's friend. I'm not talking about the usual topic of being your kid's friend to the exclusion of being a responsible parent, but I'm talking about *in addition* to all the responsible parenting. My teen jokes sometimes how she's "pathetic because my mom is my best friend," and I say, "Hey, I make a great friend! And once you're an adult and my job of daily parenting is over, we're going to have even better times!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^and btw, you can act as your kid's friend. I'm not talking about the usual topic of being your kid's friend to the exclusion of being a responsible parent, but I'm talking about *in addition* to all the responsible parenting. My teen jokes sometimes how she's "pathetic because my mom is my best friend," and I say, "Hey, I make a great friend! And once you're an adult and my job of daily parenting is over, we're going to have even better times!"

Exactly and your mom can’t ditch you or move on to another friend!

[Anonymous]

Are there any other quiet girls in class? Ask for a play date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she actually is involved in activities and generally enjoys them, but still, only surface friendships that don't amount to spending more time together outside the activity. we did encourage her to invite one girl over and although they had a nice time, the invite was not reciprocated and that was that.

People don't reciprocate for lots of reasons. If they seemed to have a good time, your DD should keep inviting.

+1 It takes effort.

I was going to say this too. Keep inviting that friend over, and others. Don’t worry about people reciprocating! And plan outside activities, movies, frozen yogurt, mall with potential friends.

Also agree with sticking with her “kind” — if she is nerdy, find a nice nerdy kid. If she’s regular, find another nice regular kid. Don’t try to break into a group. It’s so difficult.

It can be so consuming, the worry and anxiety we have for our kids! Lots of sympathies. But do know this is normal and there are ways to fix it!

[Anonymous]

I just keep inviting kids, reciprocated or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^and btw, you can act as your kid's friend. I'm not talking about the usual topic of being your kid's friend to the exclusion of being a responsible parent, but I'm talking about *in addition* to all the responsible parenting. My teen jokes sometimes how she's "pathetic because my mom is my best friend," and I say, "Hey, I make a great friend! And once you're an adult and my job of daily parenting is over, we're going to have even better times!"

Exactly and your mom can’t ditch you or move on to another friend!

Mom of boys, but I agree with this. I never expected that my 12-year-olds would have "social lives." They went to school, did their extracurricular activities, were invited to the occasional party or play date, but these weren't common (for my oldest DS, these were very uncommon). At home, we played cards and games, baked, watched movies/TV, I read to them, and we planned family outings and activities. It never occurred to me that this was something to feel sad about.

I think you should warmly sympathize with your DD if she is unhappy, but stop catastrophizing. Your DD is normal, she's doing what many (even a majority of) kids her age are doing. There is nothing to feel sad about here. By providing all kinds of advice and strategies, you are encouraging the notion that something is wrong here that needs fixing. She has fun at extracurriculars, had a friend over who she enjoyed (yet she dropped this friendship why?), she's totally normal.

FWIW, my DS1 didn't really have a "social life" until he was a senior in high school. DS2 is more social, now at 15 has some close friends he loves to hang out with. Still spends most nights at home with us.

[Anonymous]

I read somewhere that just having one friend is enough for a child not feel socially isolated. And speaking from experience I think that’s true. I only had one friend in high school and it made those years bearable. Are there any other introverts in her class or extracurricular activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry - tough age.

But I guarantee there are other kids in her grade in the same tough spot who would be thrilled to connect so maybe try to figure out how to help your daughter connect with them. Our middle school has tons of supervised extra curricular activities running the gamut so find a couple that interest your daughter and maybe she will find some common ground there?

+1

I was that girl. I found my own people who did want me around. They are great friends, to this very day, all these years later. OP, don't force your child to be around the wrong people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read somewhere that just having one friend is enough for a child not feel socially isolated. And speaking from experience I think that’s true. I only had one friend in high school and it made those years bearable. Are there any other introverts in her class or extracurricular activities?

+1

[Anonymous]

Middle school was just awful for one of my girls, OP. I used to pull up in the pick-up line after school.and just pray that she wasn't standing by herself. She always was. It broke my heart. It improved 1000% when she got to high school. She got involved in drama and chorus and really came out of her shell. She is still super introverted at 25 years old. But she is a happy introvert.

[Anonymous]

At different time my kids went thru this. I would encourage them to invite 2 friends over at the same time. Most people would not advise this because of the third wheel thing, but what I found is that since mine were so shy they had a hard time one on one, but having 2 friends over made it easier for them to join in. I also would have them invite a friend for a movie so they spent a little time together, but most of the time was the movie -- it just made it a little easier to pass the time. Eventually the find their friends.

[Anonymous]

My DS was not very social all the way through HS. He was busy with school and activities but otherwise home. However once he got to college...he was somehow popular. It was like he shed his image and became a new person. I worried about him going away but it has worked out great.

[Anonymous]

You seem oddly invested in you DD's social life. Maybe time to step away. I was the popular kid in school, and my daughter just isn't. She's more introverted than I am, and I love her and accept that. If your DD is really asking for your help, maybe organize some parties and activities like a concert or ice skating and have her invite some people she's like to be friends with. Or get your friends that have similar age kids and make it a casual mom and daughter activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem oddly invested in you DD's social life. Maybe time to step away. I was the popular kid in school, and my daughter just isn't. She's more introverted than I am, and I love her and accept that. If your DD is really asking for your help, maybe organize some parties and activities like a concert or ice skating and have her invite some people she's like to be friends with. Or get your friends that have similar age kids and make it a casual mom and daughter activity.

I hate to see PPs like this. There is nothing odd about caring about your DD and wishing her a happy life. We are supposed to be there for our kids, even in Middle School. Heck, my own mom still cares about my life and gives good advice. OP, take the advice from other PPs who say to be her friend and help her as much as you see appropriate (and that she wants). You are a good mom and she will be fine. FWIW, my DD is not very popular but has connected with a few nice girls. She has no interest in the "popular" girls as they are generally not very friendly at her school. Popular does not necessarily equal well-liked, or success later in life.