parents of unpopular kids - how do you stop feeling sad?
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Anonymous
| First of all check her clothes. Clothing is everything at this age and later. Get her some cool brands, shoes, clothes, backpack. It is likely to change her life and her image. Then get her into a sport group. She only needs a bff or two to survive. |
Anonymous
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I was your DD at that age. It is tough for sure but I don't think there is a lot of weekend socializing until later in middle school, and it is not uncommon for a 6th grader to not have weekend plans. I was an introvert who enjoyed social time but was also pretty happy being home reading a book (and still am), and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that - please don't convey the message that there is, or that her solitude stresses you out. Be sympathetic if she expresses a wish for more friends, facilitate what you can, encourage her to keep reaching out, but don't push, and make sure she knows you love the person she is. Those years would have been less painful for me had my parents not made it seem like there was something wrong with me for being shy and introverted, and that my loneliness was my own fault for not being outgoing like them.
One suggestion for finding new friends - ask her if there are kids she sees at school who seem lonely or uncertain, and to try approaching them one on one. It puts her in the role of being kind to someone else, and more likely than not, those kids will welcome the interaction. Approaching and nudging into an existing group is agony and not likely to go well. If she is shy, I also would encourage her being involved in event-based school activities where she has a visible role, like selling refreshments at a game or handing out programs at the school play - it puts her in a social situation where she has to interact with people but they have a reason they have to interact with her. For a shy person, having a role to play at an event is very empowering and builds confidence - you are busy and helping people and seem like you are in charge. It helped me tremendously. I also agree to keep inviting people over whether they reciprocate or not, and with an up to date wardrobe too. She is not alone in her loneliness for sure. Some of it is the age and will be outgrown in time. Her people are out there, and one day she will find them! It amazes me to talk to a few of my HS classmates at reunion who I always thought seemed nice but didn't really know back then, and realize that all of us were lonely kids and how different it could have been if only we had found each other back in middle school. |
Anonymous
OP, a lot of nerds are nerds because they haven't yet figured out how to successfully navigate social norms and nuances. If you are inviting nerdier kids over, don't feel rejected if they do not reciprocate. They might not have the skill set yet to be comfortable with reciprocating. Some people never are. If your daughter enjoys their visits, keep inviting, not every weekend but regularly. |
Anonymous
| Agree - keep inviting even if they don’t recipricate. DD has friends over regularly, but they don’t recipriate very often and I’m OK with that because I’d rather have them over here anywhere where I can supervise what is going on. |
Anonymous
| Don't lose heart, OP. Sometimes it just takes a while for kids to find their tribe. My DD was like yours in 6th grade and in 7th grade too. Now in 8th grade, she has a great little group of friends. These are girls that in 6th and 7th she met and talked to in class or in outside activities but never really saw on the weekends or outside of school activities. Now they eat lunch together at school and make plans to do things on the weekends sometimes, including trick-or-treating last night. I think this pattern is pretty normal. The "friends" from elementary school drift a bit at the beginning of middle school as kids grow and change and it can be hard for kids to navigate the changes. Those surface in-class friendships grow deeper over time. It was tough to watch DD go through her time of feeling left out, but that makes seeing her with her friends now that much sweeter. Throughout, I always told her three things: (1) I'm willing to host friends/bring friends to movies/take you to meet friends whenever you want to do that - don't let logistics get in the way, we'll figure it out (2) you are a great kid with lots of interests and you will find people who appreciate you and who you appreciate too - don't feel bad about being left out from groups of people that you don't have much in common with (3) this is totally normal: it took me a long time to find good friends and even as an adult it takes time to meet people and form friendship bonds, but it is always worth it in the end. On the latter point, I could point to specific examples of people in my life and say "I didn't meet great family friend so-and-so until high school or college" or "I met so-and-so when you were in preschool, but we only became good friends four years later after we worked together on a few projects" -- I think giving her some concrete examples helped her be a little more at peace with what was going on in her life. Good luck, OP. |
Anonymous
| NP here. OP, I could've written your original post. My 8th grade 13yo DD sounds very similar to yours. She does some activities outside of school, and she has friends in school to talk to and eat lunch with, but she does not have very strong friendships and it worries me. To me it's not at all about popularity, it's about having one or two close friends who she feels comfortable with and wants to hang out with. I worry about her not building the social skills that I think are really important for growing into adulthood. Just like your DD, mine goes to her activities (a combination of volunteer/religious/and sports) willingly, but once they're done, she's done. It's like she's watching the clock waiting for them to be over so she can go back to her room and play on her phone. I've thought about sending her to a therapist because she does have diagnosed anxiety and ADHD, so I think alot of her challenges stem from there. But like many PPs have said, I don't want to make her feel like she's failing at something when for all I know, this is just who she is, regardless of her diagnoses, you know? It's tough. I think you (and I.. so thank you for starting this thread!) have receieved so much great advice from the others here. (((hugs))) |
Anonymous
| OP, statistically, you know that MOST students are not in the "in" group, right? Do not put so much emphasis on that, and your DC won't either. Some DC like being loners, and that is fine. Don't force your child. Besides, all DC needs is one good friend, and let DC find that compatible (!!) friend on their own. |
Anonymous
maybe she's a nice kid with an awful mom... or their house can't have visitors for reasons that are none of our business.... take them to the movies or something. |
Anonymous
that was our house. eventually, even my kid complained that his friends were inept at planning, but they most certainly were his friends. they were here just about every single weekend senior year. |
Anonymous
Yeah, teach her to be superficial. That will hold up well over the years. |
Anonymous
| OP i agree with the poster who recommends keeping an eye out for other kids who are a bit isolated. When I started MS I had come directly from Europe with my super nerdy European clothes and my hairy legs. Imagine that. And I knew no one. It was really challenging at first, but I did find a small number of girls to become friends with by looking out for the other loners and also having some of them approach me. |
Anonymous
Meh. Most popular kids go on to be extremely successful in life. |
Anonymous
Not true at all. Not from my experience or others I've talked with about this subject matter. In fact, the less popular kids from my high school grew up to be much more successful. (I was a floater, and so was not in any particular group, and I am middle of the road successful) |
Anonymous
I agree, unfortunately. I am the least superficial person out there, and I shun that kind of thing. I resisted succumbing to the clothes thing. However, I realized that a nice cool brand here and there made my DD feel like she fit in more. We would never go overboard in that department, but I realized that we all need to feel good about a nice pair of shoes or sweatshirt once in a while. It's ok! |
Anonymous
| When my kids were younger, I always hoped they would be poplar. I now have two in high school. My son is really popular and my daughter is just a normal kid. I no longer wish for a popular child!!!!!! The more popular, the faster the crowd, the more trouble. Be happy with the kid you have. |