parents of unpopular kids - how do you stop feeling sad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid, who has HFA, is extremely lonely. She is afraid to talk to other kids because "they might make fun of her". Instead, unless someone else initiates, she just gets depressed. I know part of it is extreme social anxiety (exacerbated by the autism).

The other thing I know is she is not unpopular. She is not popular, but she is her. If we can get through HS, I am pretty sure she will be fine.

I see someone who is smart, funny, cute, but lonely.

My DD is a lot like yours. But she is not popular and she feels it. Even the girls she has been in GS with for years don’t pay her any mind. We talk about it a occasionally but I try not to dwell on it. We concentrate on doing things she likes and I hope she finds her people someday. But it is hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try not to worry about this too much. Certainly the former nerds rule the world now, so I mostly focus on making sure my kids are happy not popular.

Meh. Most popular kids go on to be extremely successful in life.

Not true at all. Not from my experience or others I've talked with about this subject matter. In fact, the less popular kids from my high school grew up to be much more successful. (I was a floater, and so was not in any particular group, and I am middle of the road successful)

No PP is right and it makes sense bc popular kids have honed their social skills and that will continue to serve them well throughput life. In this area, the popular kids are also likely to be excelling academically and in extracurriculars so that old idea of popular kids just fade out after high school isn’t going to be true. They go on to be successful in college and life. I graduated from hs in this area 20 yrs ago and the popular kids went on to be very successful adults.

Off topic, but I agree 100%, the “dumb popular jocks and blondes” stereotype couldn’t be farther from the truth today. Don’t get me wrong, popularity doesn’t equal success. I just notice that the kids that seem to be really “popular”/ don’t have issues making friends/ invited to all the parties, seem to all around really well adjusted, i.e. good grades,AP and honors classes, lots of sports, lots of extracurriculars, very extroverted.

I don’t know if it’s because this is an extrovert’s world or what, just seems to be what I notice.

I agree with this 100% DCUM equates popularity with the popularity of their own childhoods--the good looking but not so bright promiscuous kids.

In my reality (3 kids now in middle and high school), the popular kids are the the ones who just have their "$%it together" in every walk of life: They're good looking, very bright, athletic, charismatic, extroverted ,excel in everything they try, etc". They just have "it" and they're rocking life.

I agree with us. I don’t know if a lot of the posters here struggles socially in high school or not but the stereo type of popular = mean is definitely not true, especially for boys. The key in my opinion is to find your people. If your kid doesn’t like sports don’t force him to hang out with the sporty kids. If your daughter is not into clothes don’t make her wear with the cool kids are wearing. Everyone will be happier if we don’t project our own insecurities onto the kids.

It depends on the school and on the grade. Some kids deem others as popular but they’re actually just fast and drinking, having sex early, being mean to classmates and girls, and other negative traits. There are other kids who are popular and well liked and those are the kids I think you’re referring to. Sometimes teens get the two confused. Parents should not encourage the idea that being fast and mean is popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she actually is involved in activities and generally enjoys them, but still, only surface friendships that don't amount to spending more time together outside the activity. we did encourage her to invite one girl over and although they had a nice time, the invite was not reciprocated and that was that.

OP, please don't let one unreciprocated invite dissuade you. Invite again. Other parents might not be as organized or able or have the time you do to host. If you can be the house that kids are always welcome at, that will help your daughter. Movie nights are a great idea for introverts, by the way, because you don't have to be interacting all the time. You can help be around, but not hovering, mentioning snacks or whatever. And I bet your daughter is better-liked than you realize. My DS was never the center of attention and didn't get a ton of invites in middle school, but kids said hi or waved to him when we were out, and he was always welcome at the lunch table. He was always friendly, but just didn't have the magnetic personality that some kids have. Now in HS he's doing great.

[Anonymous]

Suggestion - invite only ONE friend at a time for a move night for whatever. If you invite 2+ girls your daughter is in danger of being left out in the cold.

[Anonymous]

She can go to some sort of social skills class. Or you could do cotillion.

For you? Take a step back and remember that this is her social life, not yours.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but there are so many books about childhoods of people who turn out really great as adults and it seems that most of them had a hard time in middle or high school. I would read more of these 'coming of age' books and encourage your kid to do so as well. It will build resilience and it helps to see that this really is a phase and it won't define who they are later in life. I think you should read these, too, since your kid needs you to believe in him and that he can get through this.