parents of unpopular kids - how do you stop feeling sad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really sucks for middle school, and maybe high school. I was pretty unpopular and have managed to be a functional human being

Sorry I hit send too soon. Wanted to say that these years are hard for most kids but it isn’t necessarily indicative of her future social or professional success...or general happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an unpopular kid, esp for elementary. The worst part was how much my parents cared about it. They'd question me about whom I played with that day, etc. One of my teachers also became too involved. Had they stayed out of it, I would have gotten through it unscathed.

OP, stop. For your child's sake.

+1 I recently read an article about how the best thing parents can give their kids it their long-term perspective that a lot of this middle school stuff does not matter in the long run. It's best to show them that you are not upset, take a "this too shall pass" attitude and convey confidence in their ability to get through it. Definitely empathize and help them come up with strategies to deal with the problem. But your getting upset shows them that they are right that today's difficulties are as world-shattering as they think they are.

Would love to read this if you have a link or even the name of the site. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care that my dd isn’t popular, but I do care that her best friend completely ditched her junior year of high school to try and get in with the popular crowd. She’s actually not having any fun and complains to dd about the struggle, but she’s happy about the pics she posts on Instagram with the popular girls. Dd humors her and still talks to her, but is totally over the friendship and has moved on to better people since this crap started. Why do girls do this garbage? Give up real friendships to look better on Instagram? High school image is absolutely nothing once you graduate, but they can’t see that yet.

Did best friend truly "ditch her," or did she just start hanging out with others too? If the former, why is she still hanging out with this girl?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an unpopular kid, esp for elementary. The worst part was how much my parents cared about it. They'd question me about whom I played with that day, etc. One of my teachers also became too involved. Had they stayed out of it, I would have gotten through it unscathed.

OP, stop. For your child's sake.

+1 I recently read an article about how the best thing parents can give their kids it their long-term perspective that a lot of this middle school stuff does not matter in the long run. It's best to show them that you are not upset, take a "this too shall pass" attitude and convey confidence in their ability to get through it. Definitely empathize and help them come up with strategies to deal with the problem. But your getting upset shows them that they are right that today's difficulties are as world-shattering as they think they are.

Would love to read this if you have a link or even the name of the site. Thanks.

I totally agree with this! I wish more people had this attitude. I am so glad my mother did. I had a hard time in high school and I would have been crushed if my mother was in my business about it. I do think it’s nice to have someone to lean on, so be that person. But also convey “this too shall pass” like the PP suggested. Don’t give it extra weight and be torn to pieces about it.

[Anonymous]

My kid, who has HFA, is extremely lonely. She is afraid to talk to other kids because "they might make fun of her". Instead, unless someone else initiates, she just gets depressed. I know part of it is extreme social anxiety (exacerbated by the autism).

The other thing I know is she is not unpopular. She is not popular, but she is her. If we can get through HS, I am pretty sure she will be fine.

I see someone who is smart, funny, cute, but lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try not to worry about this too much. Certainly the former nerds rule the world now, so I mostly focus on making sure my kids are happy not popular.

Meh. Most popular kids go on to be extremely successful in life.

Not true at all. Not from my experience or others I've talked with about this subject matter. In fact, the less popular kids from my high school grew up to be much more successful. (I was a floater, and so was not in any particular group, and I am middle of the road successful)

No PP is right and it makes sense bc popular kids have honed their social skills and that will continue to serve them well throughput life. In this area, the popular kids are also likely to be excelling academically and in extracurriculars so that old idea of popular kids just fade out after high school isn’t going to be true. They go on to be successful in college and life. I graduated from hs in this area 20 yrs ago and the popular kids went on to be very successful adults.

[Anonymous]

I try to just remember this time together is only fleeting and to do things that make us both happy which is often just spending time togehter at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just keep inviting kids, reciprocated or not.

That is how to do it. As long as the family says yes, and the kids have fun, it isn't worth thinking hard about what isn't reciprocated. Plus, some great kids have mom's who are jerks.



For example.

1. The year my DH had cancer, I didn't reciprocate. I also didn't tell anyone and everyone about the family issue.

2. One of my closest high school friends had a mom who didn't like nonChristians. I didn't even know this until after we graduated. Middle school was a challenge for her as she made a diverse group of friends. Who wants to explain that to a new friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try not to worry about this too much. Certainly the former nerds rule the world now, so I mostly focus on making sure my kids are happy not popular.

Meh. Most popular kids go on to be extremely successful in life.

Not true at all. Not from my experience or others I've talked with about this subject matter. In fact, the less popular kids from my high school grew up to be much more successful. (I was a floater, and so was not in any particular group, and I am middle of the road successful)

No PP is right and it makes sense bc popular kids have honed their social skills and that will continue to serve them well throughput life. In this area, the popular kids are also likely to be excelling academically and in extracurriculars so that old idea of popular kids just fade out after high school isn’t going to be true. They go on to be successful in college and life. I graduated from hs in this area 20 yrs ago and the popular kids went on to be very successful adults.

Depends on how you define “popular” kids. Mean girls don’t do so well. Well liked kids do great.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.businessinsider.com/popularity-in-high-school-affects-adult-life-2017-6

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my daughter struggles in the friend department. she is a nice kid, but just not as "savvy" as her 6th grade peers. she gets along with most kids in her classes, but no deeper connections being made. I encourage her to sit with others at lunch and on the bus but the couple of times she's tried, she tells me everyone ignores her and talk around her. she tries to participate but she feels invisible. so she comes home upset that she has nothing to do tonight. she doesn't want to tot, but she would have loved to be invited to a gathering. how can I make her and me feel better.

OP don’t focus on this so much. Kids change and as her confidence improves should be more likely to make friends more easily. Do things that help her feel confident about herself and you need to make an effort here to reach out. The schools are full of kids with all different types of personalities and interests and I truly believe If you continue to make an effort and help guide her a bit she will find girls that she connects with. Please don’t write her off as being socially inept so early. Life can be overwhelming for some kids and some kids take time. Reach out and host some playdayes/movie outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care that my dd isn’t popular, but I do care that her best friend completely ditched her junior year of high school to try and get in with the popular crowd. She’s actually not having any fun and complains to dd about the struggle, but she’s happy about the pics she posts on Instagram with the popular girls. Dd humors her and still talks to her, but is totally over the friendship and has moved on to better people since this crap started. Why do girls do this garbage? Give up real friendships to look better on Instagram? High school image is absolutely nothing once you graduate, but they can’t see that yet.

This kind of thing was happening long before Instagram. Social media intensifies it, but longing to run with the "popular crowd" is absolutely nothing new. You just had to go to the movies or the mall (or the soda shop, or the tea room, or wherever the hot spot was in that era) to make sure everyone saw you hanging out with the "right" people, rather than posting on Instagram. The biggest difference, I think, is that social media stuff WILL follow these kids after high school, and probably in negative ways more often than positive. But you're right that nobody in college is going to care who you hung out with in high school, and those shallower friendships won't survive the transition.

But it sounds like your DD has a good head on her shoulders, and is well out of the friendship. Good for her. Sounds like you've done a good job.

[Anonymous]

Start with yourself. Stop being sad about this; that tells her she should have friends and that it is a failing that she doesn’t. You are her mom! You need to convey strength on this, so work on seeing this for what it truly is: not a big deal in the scheme of things. Lots of kids go through this in middle school. Work on making home a safe and supportive retreat from worrying about her social life. Show her life goes on even without close friends. What a great life skill for her to work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try not to worry about this too much. Certainly the former nerds rule the world now, so I mostly focus on making sure my kids are happy not popular.

Meh. Most popular kids go on to be extremely successful in life.

Not true at all. Not from my experience or others I've talked with about this subject matter. In fact, the less popular kids from my high school grew up to be much more successful. (I was a floater, and so was not in any particular group, and I am middle of the road successful)

No PP is right and it makes sense bc popular kids have honed their social skills and that will continue to serve them well throughput life. In this area, the popular kids are also likely to be excelling academically and in extracurriculars so that old idea of popular kids just fade out after high school isn’t going to be true. They go on to be successful in college and life. I graduated from hs in this area 20 yrs ago and the popular kids went on to be very successful adults.

Off topic, but I agree 100%, the “dumb popular jocks and blondes” stereotype couldn’t be farther from the truth today. Don’t get me wrong, popularity doesn’t equal success. I just notice that the kids that seem to be really “popular”/ don’t have issues making friends/ invited to all the parties, seem to all around really well adjusted, i.e. good grades,AP and honors classes, lots of sports, lots of extracurriculars, very extroverted.

I don’t know if it’s because this is an extrovert’s world or what, just seems to be what I notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try not to worry about this too much. Certainly the former nerds rule the world now, so I mostly focus on making sure my kids are happy not popular.

Meh. Most popular kids go on to be extremely successful in life.

Not true at all. Not from my experience or others I've talked with about this subject matter. In fact, the less popular kids from my high school grew up to be much more successful. (I was a floater, and so was not in any particular group, and I am middle of the road successful)

No PP is right and it makes sense bc popular kids have honed their social skills and that will continue to serve them well throughput life. In this area, the popular kids are also likely to be excelling academically and in extracurriculars so that old idea of popular kids just fade out after high school isn’t going to be true. They go on to be successful in college and life. I graduated from hs in this area 20 yrs ago and the popular kids went on to be very successful adults.

Off topic, but I agree 100%, the “dumb popular jocks and blondes” stereotype couldn’t be farther from the truth today. Don’t get me wrong, popularity doesn’t equal success. I just notice that the kids that seem to be really “popular”/ don’t have issues making friends/ invited to all the parties, seem to all around really well adjusted, i.e. good grades,AP and honors classes, lots of sports, lots of extracurriculars, very extroverted.

I don’t know if it’s because this is an extrovert’s world or what, just seems to be what I notice.

I agree with this 100% DCUM equates popularity with the popularity of their own childhoods--the good looking but not so bright promiscuous kids.

In my reality (3 kids now in middle and high school), the popular kids are the the ones who just have their "$%it together" in every walk of life: They're good looking, very bright, athletic, charismatic, extroverted ,excel in everything they try, etc". They just have "it" and they're rocking life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try not to worry about this too much. Certainly the former nerds rule the world now, so I mostly focus on making sure my kids are happy not popular.

Meh. Most popular kids go on to be extremely successful in life.

Not true at all. Not from my experience or others I've talked with about this subject matter. In fact, the less popular kids from my high school grew up to be much more successful. (I was a floater, and so was not in any particular group, and I am middle of the road successful)

No PP is right and it makes sense bc popular kids have honed their social skills and that will continue to serve them well throughput life. In this area, the popular kids are also likely to be excelling academically and in extracurriculars so that old idea of popular kids just fade out after high school isn’t going to be true. They go on to be successful in college and life. I graduated from hs in this area 20 yrs ago and the popular kids went on to be very successful adults.

Off topic, but I agree 100%, the “dumb popular jocks and blondes” stereotype couldn’t be farther from the truth today. Don’t get me wrong, popularity doesn’t equal success. I just notice that the kids that seem to be really “popular”/ don’t have issues making friends/ invited to all the parties, seem to all around really well adjusted, i.e. good grades,AP and honors classes, lots of sports, lots of extracurriculars, very extroverted.

I don’t know if it’s because this is an extrovert’s world or what, just seems to be what I notice.

I agree with this 100% DCUM equates popularity with the popularity of their own childhoods--the good looking but not so bright promiscuous kids.

In my reality (3 kids now in middle and high school), the popular kids are the the ones who just have their "$%it together" in every walk of life: They're good looking, very bright, athletic, charismatic, extroverted ,excel in everything they try, etc". They just have "it" and they're rocking life.

I agree with us. I don’t know if a lot of the posters here struggles socially in high school or not but the stereo type of popular = mean is definitely not true, especially for boys. The key in my opinion is to find your people. If your kid doesn’t like sports don’t force him to hang out with the sporty kids. If your daughter is not into clothes don’t make her wear with the cool kids are wearing. Everyone will be happier if we don’t project our own insecurities onto the kids.