parents of unpopular kids - how do you stop feeling sad?

[Anonymous]

I was an unpopular kid, esp for elementary. The worst part was how much my parents cared about it. They'd question me about whom I played with that day, etc. One of my teachers also became too involved. Had they stayed out of it, I would have gotten through it unscathed.

[Anonymous]

What are popular brands of clothes for MS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was an unpopular kid, esp for elementary. The worst part was how much my parents cared about it. They'd question me about whom I played with that day, etc. One of my teachers also became too involved. Had they stayed out of it, I would have gotten through it unscathed.

OP, stop. For your child's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an unpopular kid, esp for elementary. The worst part was how much my parents cared about it. They'd question me about whom I played with that day, etc. One of my teachers also became too involved. Had they stayed out of it, I would have gotten through it unscathed.

OP, stop. For your child's sake.

+1 I recently read an article about how the best thing parents can give their kids it their long-term perspective that a lot of this middle school stuff does not matter in the long run. It's best to show them that you are not upset, take a "this too shall pass" attitude and convey confidence in their ability to get through it. Definitely empathize and help them come up with strategies to deal with the problem. But your getting upset shows them that they are right that today's difficulties are as world-shattering as they think they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try not to worry about this too much. Certainly the former nerds rule the world now, so I mostly focus on making sure my kids are happy not popular.

Meh. Most popular kids go on to be extremely successful in life.

Not in my experience. The most popular kids are doing ok but certainly are not what I would
call successful. The most successful from my class were the slightly awkward kids.

[Anonymous]

I've given this advice here before OP but - is she at all interested in theatre? Theatre kids tend to be for the most part a quirky, welcoming, slightly nerdy group. It worked for me as a lonely high-schooler and I've seen it work for other kids as well. Drama clubs, acting classes, local theatre group. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was an unpopular kid, esp for elementary. The worst part was how much my parents cared about it. They'd question me about whom I played with that day, etc. One of my teachers also became too involved. Had they stayed out of it, I would have gotten through it unscathed.

Get herb confidence up and reach out to different kids in different activities until something clicks for her. There is some group or some friends for everyone in this world you just have to find them and sometimes they’re harder to find than others. Also I agree with the poster that said don’t let her know it bothers you. act as if everything’s OK and normal and you have to fill in the void until she has some friends. It’ll make your bond tighter than you can imagine to know that you got through it together.

[Anonymous]

I don’t care that my dd isn’t popular, but I do care that her best friend completely ditched her junior year of high school to try and get in with the popular crowd. She’s actually not having any fun and complains to dd about the struggle, but she’s happy about the pics she posts on Instagram with the popular girls. Dd humors her and still talks to her, but is totally over the friendship and has moved on to better people since this crap started. Why do girls do this garbage? Give up real friendships to look better on Instagram? High school image is absolutely nothing once you graduate, but they can’t see that yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh OP, I'm sorry. I know it hurts. Did she have any pals from elem. school? Are they maybe kids she can reconnect with and invite over? FWIW, I ended up making my BFF half-way through my first year of jr. high. It was a girl who at first I was a little put off by, I thought she ran with a fast crowd (whatever that means in 7th grade!). But it turned out that was all talk and we ended up finding out we had a lot in common and hit it off. Maybe you can reassure DD that it's still early in the new school year and there is probably someone in one of her classes she'll connect with.

Until then I'd keep her busy with extracurriculars. That's what I did with DS who had a rough go of it socially in MS. We were a small majority from our ES who fed into a different MS from most of his 5th grade, and it was hard for him to break into any of the groups that carried over. So I completely get it.

this is exactly our situation. how long till friendships become stronger?

I was also that kid, and a lot of activities--church related, school-related, outside of school--kept me busy. Since I was in band, that took care of going to high school games. Acquired one friend in high school, another very quiet girl, I hung out with a lot the last couple of years of high school. And I would have contacts with kids from my school in connection with our parents' get togethers. But keep in mind, childhood and teenage friendships MAY become deep friendships, but not necessarily. The friend I acquired went a different direction than I after high school, we had occasional contact, and eventually it faded out altogether. My lifelong friends are mostly people I know from college, and one high school classmate I stumbled into a few years after high school who had left her crowd behind.

The downside? I missed out on the keggers. Which was also the upside!

But you might want to watch for self-esteem issues regardless. I went through many years feeling like there was something "wrong" with me on some deep level that was the basis of the general friendlessness. It did make me vulnerable to some very bad treatment by the opposite sex during my young adult years. Several years ago I saw an article about people who feel stigmatized as children (whether or not other people impose that on them) as something that can really affect people longterm.

I don't know how aware my parents were of this. They had both grown up in farming communities with very small schools, and were also from large families, so excluding anyone was really not much of a possibility. The idea of intentional socializing would have been foreign to them.

[Anonymous]

We all want our kids to have friends but I would not wish popularity on a kid. It's not as beneficial as you think it to be. If my kids have a small core group of friends, I'm good with it. As a teacher, I see the dynamics and pressure popularity creates and it's not what I would want for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all want our kids to have friends but I would not wish popularity on a kid. It's not as beneficial as you think it to be. If my kids have a small core group of friends, I'm good with it. As a teacher, I see the dynamics and pressure popularity creates and it's not what I would want for my kids.

This. There is a universe between lonely and stereotypically popular. And that's not even to hate on the very popular kids. Many are perfectly nice kids who lucked into being sporty or looking good and being funny enough and had (generally) a longer leash from parents. But for many it's now basically their own version of a reality show and their lives are not enviable in that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all want our kids to have friends but I would not wish popularity on a kid. It's not as beneficial as you think it to be. If my kids have a small core group of friends, I'm good with it. As a teacher, I see the dynamics and pressure popularity creates and it's not what I would want for my kids.

This. There is a universe between lonely and stereotypically popular. And that's not even to hate on the very popular kids. Many are perfectly nice kids who lucked into being sporty or looking good and being funny enough and had (generally) a longer leash from parents. But for many it's now basically their own version of a reality show and their lives are not enviable in that way.

+1 My DD is a self-described "geek" with a very tight group of four best friends plus a wide group of friendly acquaintances. She's not "popular" in kid parlance but very happy with her social life and that makes me happy.

[Anonymous]

Our girls did synchronized swimming as their main extracurricular in middle and high school. Had an amazing group of friends from many schools, worked closely together in a tight unit and traveled together. Great to have that outlet outside school. FWIW William and Mary recruit s for synchro

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she actually is involved in activities and generally enjoys them, but still, only surface friendships that don't amount to spending more time together outside the activity. we did encourage her to invite one girl over and although they had a nice time, the invite was not reciprocated and that was that.

People don't reciprocate for lots of reasons. If they seemed to have a good time, your DD should keep inviting.

+1 It takes effort.

Effort on both sides. I don’t think that invites should only come from 1 person. What is that teaching about friendship? I try to help my daughter too by allowing her to invite friends to restaurants, museums and day trips but when it’s NEVER reciprocated- we have to stop.

[Anonymous]

It really sucks for middle school, and maybe high school. I was pretty unpopular and have managed to be a functional human being