About to present divorce papers to long-time serial cheating spouse that doesn’t know spouse knows..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if your friend REALLY wants to stir the shit, send an email to all of cheater's colleagues on the trip.

No I am torn between wanting to keep this civil and being irate that his gross trash wife had us all fooled for years. But salting the ground isn’t good for child who should be foremost priority.

Are you hot for your friend OP? Maybe now is your chance ...

Not that it matters, but no. What did I expect when trying to crowdsource complicated advice? Friend asks my advice an I have no clue. I thought this jaded bunch would have a checklist on the ready. My bad.

People have given you advice. I gave you advice upthread.

Don't make a big bruha drama out of it. Serve the papers, take care of the kid, move on from Cathy-Cheats-Alot. MYOB and leave the other spouses out of it.

Agree with this advice.

Don’t get this. Every other thread - DH cheats with OW and the pitchfork mob is demanding letters be sent to the OW’s husband. Tables have turned and suddenly - you don’t need to involve the other spouses. Hypocrites.

My advice has always been to MYOB when it comes to other peoples families. You don't know their situation.

Also what satisfaction would anyone get from drama? Just be happy you didn't spend 20 years in a crappy marriage and move along.

[Anonymous]

You can't cancel credit cards or hide money, op. Don't do anything like that without guidance from your lawyer.

And while you are financially self sufficient, have you looked at the child support guidelines and factored that into your future---along with splitting assets 50-50, etc.?

Just because she allegedly cheated, that doesn't mean you get custody and you don't have to pay child support.

A grown-up who truly cares about the kid wouldn't pull a gotcha like this. You would talk I while the kid was at school/daycare and commit to therapy. The best uncouplers talk to a therapist, not a lawyer, first...even if only to determine how to tackle the separation, eventual divorce, etc. with the goal being to learn the best way to tell the kid and handle coparenting.

[Anonymous]

Are they still living together as married people?

What is the husband hoping to gain?

Is the husband afraid for his or the child’s safety?

I don’t think a real lawyer was consulted here.

Separation agreements are negotiable, and this ambush is not going to make the negotiation go well. Likely, the wife will cancel the business trip and stay in the house, dragging out the drama for the child to witness.

All this is doing is setting up a very dramatic, likely expensive divorce, which isn’t in the child’s best interest. It also doesn’t make you look like the best parent. Yes, she is banging dudes on worktrips, but you are crazymaking in front of the child. Which action is going to be more traumatic to a kid? Not one that your child is ignorant of.

If you are truly wanting to end your marriage, and there is no physical threat, tell your spouse, and then decide who is leaving immediately for the night/weekend/whatever, and what the schedule will be with the child. No, this is not “abandonment” as the DCUM armchair lawyers will tell you.

On the other hand, if you just want the hysterical trauma bonding, go ahead and do this, but please send the child someplace first (grandparents, etc).

You can’t go batshit insane scorched earth once you have a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't cancel credit cards or hide money, op. Don't do anything like that without guidance from your lawyer.

And while you are financially self sufficient, have you looked at the child support guidelines and factored that into your future---along with splitting assets 50-50, etc.?

Just because she allegedly cheated, that doesn't mean you get custody and you don't have to pay child support.

A grown-up who truly cares about the kid wouldn't pull a gotcha like this. You would talk I while the kid was at school/daycare and commit to therapy. The best uncouplers talk to a therapist, not a lawyer, first...even if only to determine how to tackle the separation, eventual divorce, etc. with the goal being to learn the best way to tell the kid and handle coparenting.

Are you kidding me? Someone who has cheated an entire marriage with multiple people isn’t worth going to therapy with.
Sometimes you have to have taken personal responsibility for yourself - like way back when you agreed to marry someone else.
This is an absurd and stupid post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they still living together as married people?

What is the husband hoping to gain?

Is the husband afraid for his or the child’s safety?

I don’t think a real lawyer was consulted here.

Separation agreements are negotiable, and this ambush is not going to make the negotiation go well. Likely, the wife will cancel the business trip and stay in the house, dragging out the drama for the child to witness.

All this is doing is setting up a very dramatic, likely expensive divorce, which isn’t in the child’s best interest. It also doesn’t make you look like the best parent. Yes, she is banging dudes on worktrips, but you are crazymaking in front of the child. Which action is going to be more traumatic to a kid? Not one that your child is ignorant of.

If you are truly wanting to end your marriage, and there is no physical threat, tell your spouse, and then decide who is leaving immediately for the night/weekend/whatever, and what the schedule will be with the child. No, this is not “abandonment” as the DCUM armchair lawyers will tell you.

On the other hand, if you just want the hysterical trauma bonding, go ahead and do this, but please send the child someplace first (grandparents, etc).

You can’t go batshit insane scorched earth once you have a kid.

You absolutely can. Sounds like spouse is on here trying to manipulate cheater on spouse to sticking around because ‘ think of the child!

Lawyer up!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if your friend REALLY wants to stir the shit, send an email to all of cheater's colleagues on the trip.

No I am torn between wanting to keep this civil and being irate that his gross trash wife had us all fooled for years. But salting the ground isn’t good for child who should be foremost priority.

Are you hot for your friend OP? Maybe now is your chance ...

Not that it matters, but no. What did I expect when trying to crowdsource complicated advice? Friend asks my advice an I have no clue. I thought this jaded bunch would have a checklist on the ready. My bad.

People have given you advice. I gave you advice upthread.

Don't make a big bruha drama out of it. Serve the papers, take care of the kid, move on from Cathy-Cheats-Alot. MYOB and leave the other spouses out of it.

Agree with this advice.

Don’t get this. Every other thread - DH cheats with OW and the pitchfork mob is demanding letters be sent to the OW’s husband. Tables have turned and suddenly - you don’t need to involve the other spouses. Hypocrites.

you nailed it. the mob grabbed their pitch forks once OP revealed that the friend was the DH and that the adulterer was in fact a DW. Up to that point, the folks here had been supportive, assuming the friend was a woman. But since it was a man who was the aggrieved party, there must be something wrong with him, something he did to deserve this, etc., etc., etc. good luck finding real advice from this lot.

my advice - your friend will need support to help ensure that life for the child continues as relatively normal as possible - meaning no drop in getting to events, playdates, school, etc. weekends are spent doing fun activities (whatever they may be), and that the child's regular needs are met and not neglected.

for your friend, lawyer up and protect his assets and those for the child. fight for what he wants and keep copies of evidence - give it all to the lawyer and keep a full set for himself too. don't yet go scorched earth on airing anything in public, on social media, etc. as this will contradict the needed efforts to protect the child as much as possible. all of that can wait and should be thought through carefully. the emotions are running high so this is not the time to do anything rash/stupid.

good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... how jaded are you people? Seriously how sheltered have I been all my life... wtf. Not a poly anything relationship. Friend has been monogamous to spouse for over a decade and has learned in the past few weeks that spouse is “in love” with co-worker but also cheating with at least another and infidelity with at least a coup,e others have been going on during most if not all of marriage.

Where in the world do these people work?? I feel sorry for HR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't cancel credit cards or hide money, op. Don't do anything like that without guidance from your lawyer.

And while you are financially self sufficient, have you looked at the child support guidelines and factored that into your future---along with splitting assets 50-50, etc.?

Just because she allegedly cheated, that doesn't mean you get custody and you don't have to pay child support.

A grown-up who truly cares about the kid wouldn't pull a gotcha like this. You would talk I while the kid was at school/daycare and commit to therapy. The best uncouplers talk to a therapist, not a lawyer, first...even if only to determine how to tackle the separation, eventual divorce, etc. with the goal being to learn the best way to tell the kid and handle coparenting.

Are you kidding me? Someone who has cheated an entire marriage with multiple people isn’t worth going to therapy with.
Sometimes you have to have taken personal responsibility for yourself - like way back when you agreed to marry someone else.
This is an absurd and stupid post.

Can you read? Responsible adults confront and go to therapy to figure out how to separate, how to tell the kid, how to plan for divorce. Unless there’s abuse, you should work with a therapist and try to figure things out together rather than pay lawyers thousands to ensure it’s bloody. And I say that as a lawyer. You still need a lawyer, but you two should start with a therapist to help you figure out how to uncouple and coparent.

Dude: you need to get over the anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they still living together as married people?

What is the husband hoping to gain?

Is the husband afraid for his or the child’s safety?

I don’t think a real lawyer was consulted here.

Separation agreements are negotiable, and this ambush is not going to make the negotiation go well. Likely, the wife will cancel the business trip and stay in the house, dragging out the drama for the child to witness.

All this is doing is setting up a very dramatic, likely expensive divorce, which isn’t in the child’s best interest. It also doesn’t make you look like the best parent. Yes, she is banging dudes on worktrips, but you are crazymaking in front of the child. Which action is going to be more traumatic to a kid? Not one that your child is ignorant of.

If you are truly wanting to end your marriage, and there is no physical threat, tell your spouse, and then decide who is leaving immediately for the night/weekend/whatever, and what the schedule will be with the child. No, this is not “abandonment” as the DCUM armchair lawyers will tell you.

On the other hand, if you just want the hysterical trauma bonding, go ahead and do this, but please send the child someplace first (grandparents, etc).

You can’t go batshit insane scorched earth once you have a kid.

You absolutely can. Sounds like spouse is on here trying to manipulate cheater on spouse to sticking around because ‘ think of the child!

Lawyer up!!

Yup. I would scorch all the earth. All. Send letters to the spouses too. Especially if I were financially stable without STB ex. If you do dirt,you get dirt.

[Anonymous]

I’d stay away from the drama of writing letters to everyone involved. Stupid and does no good. Let everyone else figure their own shit out.

To OP, if your buddy’s DW is a psychopathic cheater then the idea of “well, you should go to therapy” is not going to work. That train left the building years ago. The marriage is dead and it’s time for your buddy to move on.

Serving papers before the work trip is not ideal but I get the reason. Personally, I would serve her another time but that’s just me. Either way just support your buddy.

[Anonymous]

myob

[Anonymous]

Focus on and sort out your own mess first. Once all the legal work is finished and signed, then figure out if you wish to disclose to the other spouses involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:myob

+1000

[Anonymous]

Www.survivinginfidelity.com

OF COURSE your friend should tell the other betrayed spouses. They are being lied to, and their marriages are lies. They deserve to know the truth. It’s not about revenge. It’s about doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they still living together as married people?

What is the husband hoping to gain?

Is the husband afraid for his or the child’s safety?

I don’t think a real lawyer was consulted here.

Separation agreements are negotiable, and this ambush is not going to make the negotiation go well. Likely, the wife will cancel the business trip and stay in the house, dragging out the drama for the child to witness.

All this is doing is setting up a very dramatic, likely expensive divorce, which isn’t in the child’s best interest. It also doesn’t make you look like the best parent. Yes, she is banging dudes on worktrips, but you are crazymaking in front of the child. Which action is going to be more traumatic to a kid? Not one that your child is ignorant of.

If you are truly wanting to end your marriage, and there is no physical threat, tell your spouse, and then decide who is leaving immediately for the night/weekend/whatever, and what the schedule will be with the child. No, this is not “abandonment” as the DCUM armchair lawyers will tell you.

On the other hand, if you just want the hysterical trauma bonding, go ahead and do this, but please send the child someplace first (grandparents, etc).

You can’t go batshit insane scorched earth once you have a kid.

You absolutely can. Sounds like spouse is on here trying to manipulate cheater on spouse to sticking around because ‘ think of the child!

Lawyer up!!

Yup. I would scorch all the earth. All. Send letters to the spouses too. Especially if I were financially stable without STB ex. If you do dirt,you get dirt.

Have at it. But be prepared to look just as shitty as the cheating wife.