Having Kids at 38?

[Anonymous]

Why not? I had my first baby after 40. It is not easy on the body (you probably don’t have the same energy of a 20 yo) but even more difficult on your relationship. When you guys have been for many years focusing only on your own needs and wants is very difficult all the sudden change your life (let’s say you go from wondering if you should go to Bahamas or to Europe to wondering if you will literally have time to go to bathroom by yourself while taking care of an infant). Overall is well worth and I will do it again in an heart beat but is not easy and definitely less romantic than what you could imagine from Mother’s Day cards. I think parenthood is a school of love.

[Anonymous]

Had my only child at 38 due to starting grad school late and professionally that was the best time. We had huge student loan debt and bought too much of a house (one of those employer financed 100% mortgages which seemed great at the time but led us to spend too much) and we struggled with debt for a long time. Dh would have been happy to have a second kid but I nixed it. I wish we had managed our finances better so we could have had a second kid but we've been very happy.

Right now we're helping dd with grad school and we're financially able to give her substantial help. I wish she had a sibling but the reality is that we would be able to give her a lot less help if she had a sibling.

But....when my parents died, I really appreciated having siblings to share the work and the sadness with - so there's that that she won't have. OTOH I read that only children are more likely to have close friendships. That's been true of dh and I see it with dd now. Dd has a fantastic support system of friends so I don't worry about her not having siblings to turn to.

Anyway, this kid thing brings a lot of things into your life which are out of your control. Love my kid and am proud of her but her adolescence was really hard on her and as a parent I don't know if I handled it as well as I could have. Fortunately she came out on the other side stronger and happier. Your kid will be your kid and you can't predict what will happen but at least at this age you're more mature and financially secure so that helps!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I made a decision not to have kids, but both been having a change of heart recently. We look at family/friends who are happy parenting, and wonder if we will regret not being parents. We still are not fully on board, and support the reasons we chose to remain childless - better off financially, putting focus on our relationship, being solely responsible for another human life, etc. We have a solid marriage, financially secure, and great family. The biggest drawback that has us unsure is I’m turning 38 soon and he’s 40. We would need to try right away. We have had lengthy conversations about this, and feel if we don’t conceive naturally, we will take it for what it is. We don’t want any medical interventions. The other downside is this will likely be an only child, and feel bad we won’t be able to give that child a sibiling. We don’t have any reasons besides potential regret to have a child, and wonder if that is enough to warrant trying. I know ofher can’t make this decision for us, but we would love to hear positive/negative stories from people in similar situations.

This is the only part that concerns me. I had my kids at 40 and 41 with no medical intervention. I absolutely love being their mom. However, it is exhausting, trying, and overwhelming at times. If you don't REALLY want kids, you may resent losing yourself and all of the energy it takes to be a parent.

If the only reason you have a kid is so you don't regret not having a kid, I think parenting will be really hard. If you wanted a kid but were unsure about finances, or wanted a child but had concerns about your medical history, or something like that, it would be different, but it doesn't sound like you actually want to be a parent, you're just afraid you might later feel like you were missing out, and that's not the same thing. There's nothing wrong with not having kids--people lead rich, full lives without kids, and often those people are the ones with the time and energy to commit to a good cause or to take risks to make the world better.

I will say that very few people will admit to regretting having kids. Once a kid is here, you will almost certainly love that child and the idea that you wish they had never been born might feel abhorrent to you. But that's not the same as having a kid being the right choice for you guys. I would say that you need to think about what you want your lives to look like, now and 20 years down the road, and not have kids or not have kids out of fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child, and I preferred it that way. I feel like no one ever regrets having a child. Once the kid is here, you are unlikely to look at him or her and wish you hadn't done that

This isn't true. I knew a woman who was married for 20 years and they couldn't conceive. They finally found a doctor who told them that he could get her pregnant, but he didn't think it was a good idea. They were too accustomed to living without kids. Sure enough, she got pregnant with twins and all she did was complain - and they had 2 nannies. She didn't work, but the husband was very successful and all of a sudden, they couldn't live the same lifestyle.

I used to feel sorry for her kids.

Almost every single one of my friends that are parents complain about their kids.

The reason parents complain is that it's easier than talking about the AMAZING (insert stupid thing) they did that to a someone else would be silly. If I didn't keep it in check (as in never talk about it except with DH), I could talk you ear off about every little thing DS does/says. So much more social acceptable to talk about his temper tantrum because I took the cracker out of the container instead of letting him do it himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I made a decision not to have kids, but both been having a change of heart recently. We look at family/friends who are happy parenting, and wonder if we will regret not being parents. We still are not fully on board, and support the reasons we chose to remain childless - better off financially, putting focus on our relationship, being solely responsible for another human life, etc. We have a solid marriage, financially secure, and great family. The biggest drawback that has us unsure is I’m turning 38 soon and he’s 40. We would need to try right away. We have had lengthy conversations about this, and feel if we don’t conceive naturally, we will take it for what it is. We don’t want any medical interventions. The other downside is this will likely be an only child, and feel bad we won’t be able to give that child a sibiling. We don’t have any reasons besides potential regret to have a child, and wonder if that is enough to warrant trying. I know ofher can’t make this decision for us, but we would love to hear positive/negative stories from people in similar situations.

I got pregnant at 42 without consciously "trying". Our child is doing wonderfully! I realize I may be an outlier but it can be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child, and I preferred it that way. I feel like no one ever regrets having a child. Once the kid is here, you are unlikely to look at him or her and wish you hadn't done that

This isn't true. I knew a woman who was married for 20 years and they couldn't conceive. They finally found a doctor who told them that he could get her pregnant, but he didn't think it was a good idea. They were too accustomed to living without kids. Sure enough, she got pregnant with twins and all she did was complain - and they had 2 nannies. She didn't work, but the husband was very successful and all of a sudden, they couldn't live the same lifestyle.

I used to feel sorry for her kids.

Almost every single one of my friends that are parents complain about their kids.

The reason parents complain is that it's easier than talking about the AMAZING (insert stupid thing) they did that to a someone else would be silly. If I didn't keep it in check (as in never talk about it except with DH), I could talk you ear off about every little thing DS does/says. So much more social acceptable to talk about his temper tantrum because I took the cracker out of the container instead of letting him do it himself.

If that is literally the only thing going on in your world, it would be much more acceptable to ask the other person about their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I made a decision not to have kids, but both been having a change of heart recently. We look at family/friends who are happy parenting, and wonder if we will regret not being parents. We still are not fully on board, and support the reasons we chose to remain childless - better off financially, putting focus on our relationship, being solely responsible for another human life, etc. We have a solid marriage, financially secure, and great family. The biggest drawback that has us unsure is I’m turning 38 soon and he’s 40. We would need to try right away. We have had lengthy conversations about this, and feel if we don’t conceive naturally, we will take it for what it is. We don’t want any medical interventions. The other downside is this will likely be an only child, and feel bad we won’t be able to give that child a sibiling. We don’t have any reasons besides potential regret to have a child, and wonder if that is enough to warrant trying. I know ofher can’t make this decision for us, but we would love to hear positive/negative stories from people in similar situations.

I was in a similar situation. I never wanted kids (had a bad childhood) until my nephew was born and I just fell in love. But I didn't even meet my husband until I was 37. Got married at 38, said we'd try for a year. If nothing happened, it didn't happen. So be it. But I was immediately pregnant. Delivered at 39. I only have the one child. But it was just the absolutely best decision I ever made.

It's hard, though. Being a parent, no matter the age, is hard and selfless work. To me it's much easier to do that hard and selfless work because I love my kid so much. For example, vacations won't be true vacations for several years. They will just be "trips to other places" where you still have to do hard work. But then things get easier.

I like having more money than I otherwise would have, if I had had my child in my 20s. I don't feel much of an energy drain, but I do keep myself in good shape.

I would pay attention to finances. And make sure things like emergency savings and retirement are in place. My husband just had a significant injury, and while he has recovered, he could have easily been permanently disabled. So you are sandwiching a bit between kid expenses and expenses associated with your own aging.

I wouldn't change a thing, though.

[Anonymous]

OP, the one thing you can't calculate in the pro/con matrix that you've made is just how much you will love your kid. Yes, it sucks when he has a cold and is up all night. Yes, it sucks that he takes foooorrrreeeevvvveeeeerrrr to do anything (I do it myself!!) Yes, it sucks our vacation revolves around him and his nap schedule.

But it's totally worth it for all the joy he brings. Nothing can prepare you for the swelling love you feel when your child sighs and snuggles deep into your arms and you know you are their safest most bestest place in universe.

[Anonymous]

DH and I never wanted kids but DH changed his mind when he was almost 50 and I was ambivalent at almost 40. I got pregnant naturally and easily. Best idea DH ever had! DS is the joy of our lives and in middle school now. Keeps us on our toes which is a good thing because DH is retired.

Never had one moment of regret about having this amazing human. It really is true that having a child is like having your heart wondering around outside your body

Better late than never, OP. Go for it!

[Anonymous]

If you're worried you won't be good parents, you almost certainly will be average ones or better. The truly bad parents are either oblivious to the fact, or just don't care.

[Anonymous]

Sounds very doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're worried you won't be good parents, you almost certainly will be average ones or better. The truly bad parents are either oblivious to the fact, or just don't care.

Or worse, think they're the BEST parents. Haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will be 60ish when the first is just leaving for college. Ouch.

I have never quite understood this argument. Who cares?? Do you live your life counting down the days until your kids leave? Is 60 ancient?? What does this argument even mean?

[Anonymous]

This is too hard to give you advice. It can go either way. You have to make the decision for yourself.

I was always ambivalent about having kids. DH, too. We got married late, and we decided to give it a try, and if it happens, great, if not, then fine, too. I got pregnant within 3 mo. I was 34.

We thought we would be one and done, but DC was super easy, and I kept thinking about how lonely DC might feel. We both have siblings and even though we don't seem them often, it's nice to know they are there, especially as our parents get older, we can rely on our siblings to share the burden of checking on our parents, visiting, etc...

So we ended up with #2, I was 38.

I won't lie. It's tough in many ways, but I don't regret it. DCs love each other so much, and it's great for them to have a builtin playmate. I don't particular like to "play" with my kids alot, and if you have only one child, you as a parent do become the default playmate. Playdates don't help on vacation, nor can you rely on them solely. Having a sibling has helped them to learn to share more and be more sympathetic. Yes, they fight as all siblings do, but for the most part, they get along and seek each other out. My DC#1 said to me that DC is glad DC has a sibling. DC knows kids who don't have siblings, DC says DC feels badly for them. I'm sure there are "onlies" that don't feel that way.

Then again, having a kid could totally ruin your life. So again, this is a really hard decision, and no one can tell you one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be 60ish when the first is just leaving for college. Ouch.

I have never quite understood this argument. Who cares?? Do you live your life counting down the days until your kids leave? Is 60 ancient?? What does this argument even mean?

We who are in our 50s right now certainly don't think 60 is ancient. I agree with you.