Having Kids at 38?

[Anonymous]

^^Oh, and don't forget how wrecked your body will be after.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks. As a teen and twenty something, I always envisioned my life with kids, but realizing how hard raising children can be solidified not having kids. I am the middle of 7 children, and while growing up was a blast, my parents struggled financially. I’m also generally indecisive and inpantent, both qualities that will make for a not so good parent. The biggest driving factor was being unsure if I would be a good mother, and not wanting to bring a child that will be messed up ( mental health and drug issues run in my family) into this world.

For the one who said “ get a dog”, that’s a no go. We are not pet people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both sound so insufferable and self-centered, I think you should stick with your initial plans.

Lol, I can't quite figure out what prompted this reaction, but in any case, this is a skewed "parenting" board so of course everyone is going to talk about how wonderful it is to have kids and why you should do it.

There are downsides of course: not enough time for your relationship, less disposable income, possibly having to leave a neighborhood and house you love for schools, career taking a backburner, and worst of all, having a SN kid.

OP here. I think we focused on the downsides more than the upsides when we initially made the decision not to have kids. We make a good living ( $150k HHI) but no where near rich. We would want to provide a comfortable lifestyle, have disposable income for any activities child wants to participate in, and fully fund college. Having massive amount of SL debt is not something we want a child to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

OP, when my husband and I decided to try we were about your age. We got married being ambivalent about kids. I got pregnant and sadly, I had to terminate that pregnancy. By that point we wanted to be parents so we did 9 rounds of IVF and gave up. Last year at ages 48 and 51 we adopted our baby boy, who is an absolute joy. I have zero regrets. Our little guy will be an only, too. I'm not saying there won't be things you miss, there will be. For me, I gained so much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m also generally indecisive and inpantent, both qualities that will make for a not so good parent. The biggest driving factor was being unsure if I would be a good mother, and not wanting to bring a child that will be messed up ( mental health and drug issues run in my family) into this world.

with rare exceptions, IMO you truly cannot judge whether you will be a "good parent" until you have a kid. The fact that you are earnestly worrying about whether you will be a good parent probably means you will be one, with your issues running more toward overdoing attention and worry than actively screwing it up.

As a parent you have limited control over whether your kid will be "messed up". You can give them a good environment but a lot is about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child, and I preferred it that way. I feel like no one ever regrets having a child. Once the kid is here, you are unlikely to look at him or her and wish you hadn't done that

This isn't true. I knew a woman who was married for 20 years and they couldn't conceive. They finally found a doctor who told them that he could get her pregnant, but he didn't think it was a good idea. They were too accustomed to living without kids. Sure enough, she got pregnant with twins and all she did was complain - and they had 2 nannies. She didn't work, but the husband was very successful and all of a sudden, they couldn't live the same lifestyle.

I used to feel sorry for her kids.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that I'm an only child and was never sad to not have a sibling at all. As an adult I'm perfectly fine being an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both sound so insufferable and self-centered, I think you should stick with your initial plans.

Lol, I can't quite figure out what prompted this reaction, but in any case, this is a skewed "parenting" board so of course everyone is going to talk about how wonderful it is to have kids and why you should do it.

There are downsides of course: not enough time for your relationship, less disposable income, possibly having to leave a neighborhood and house you love for schools, career taking a backburner, and worst of all, having a SN kid.

OP here. I think we focused on the downsides more than the upsides when we initially made the decision not to have kids. We make a good living ( $150k HHI) but no where near rich. We would want to provide a comfortable lifestyle, have disposable income for any activities child wants to participate in, and fully fund college. Having massive amount of SL debt is not something we want a child to deal with it.

then maybe this should be in the money & finances board (not being snarky, it just sounds like a lot of your concerns are the financial aspect). how does your DH feel? I find a lot of men would be fine either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got married at 38, and had kids at 41 and 44, both conceived on our own. It's not too late for you guys.

This is me, exactly.

[Anonymous]

Go for it. I had kids at 37 and 40. Don't rule out a naturally conceived second child (but you'll want to start trying immediately after #1 is born).

[Anonymous]

There are five families (that I know of) at my kids school where the kids are 18-20 months apart (siblings all one year apart in school) and the parents are mid-40's - so we all had two babies in our late 30's/ early 40's. Good luck however you decide/where fate takes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I made a decision not to have kids, but both been having a change of heart recently. We look at family/friends who are happy parenting, and wonder if we will regret not being parents. We still are not fully on board, and support the reasons we chose to remain childless - better off financially, putting focus on our relationship, being solely responsible for another human life, etc. We have a solid marriage, financially secure, and great family. The biggest drawback that has us unsure is I’m turning 38 soon and he’s 40. We would need to try right away. We have had lengthy conversations about this, and feel if we don’t conceive naturally, we will take it for what it is. We don’t want any medical interventions. The other downside is this will likely be an only child, and feel bad we won’t be able to give that child a sibiling. We don’t have any reasons besides potential regret to have a child, and wonder if that is enough to warrant trying. I know ofher can’t make this decision for us, but we would love to hear positive/negative stories from people in similar situations.

This is the only part that concerns me. I had my kids at 40 and 41 with no medical intervention. I absolutely love being their mom. However, it is exhausting, trying, and overwhelming at times. If you don't REALLY want kids, you may resent losing yourself and all of the energy it takes to be a parent.

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 38. I’m 39 weeks pregnant with my third at 43. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child, and I preferred it that way. I feel like no one ever regrets having a child. Once the kid is here, you are unlikely to look at him or her and wish you hadn't done that

This isn't true. I knew a woman who was married for 20 years and they couldn't conceive. They finally found a doctor who told them that he could get her pregnant, but he didn't think it was a good idea. They were too accustomed to living without kids. Sure enough, she got pregnant with twins and all she did was complain - and they had 2 nannies. She didn't work, but the husband was very successful and all of a sudden, they couldn't live the same lifestyle.

I used to feel sorry for her kids.

Almost every single one of my friends that are parents complain about their kids.

[Anonymous]

You will be 60ish when the first is just leaving for college. Ouch.