My boyfriend is 26 and lives with his parents, doesn't work, and never pays for things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...why are you short-selling yourself?

The beauty in choosing to be in a relationship with someone is that you don't have to choose between a guy who is sweet and kind OR a guy who is a successful, driven, and self-motivated, independent adult. At 26, a boyfriend can (and should) be BOTH.

And you deserve that.

It doesn't mean this guy isn't just as nice or sweet as you say he is. But he comes up short in too many areas to overlook. Love yourself enough to move on, OP.

All the guys I dated before him treated me like shit, used me for sex, left me, hurt me, made me feel like I'm nothing.

This guy treats me like a goddess. He doesn't have money, but he makes me feel loved, special, and freaking amazing.

But yes, there are all these other issues. I'm hoping things will change. I don't like his parents very much. There is a lot of abuse within their family and I have to be there for my boyfriend a lot and hear about awful things his parents did to him as a kid. But he is still living with them and it drives me crazy. I don't want to let him move in with me yet because I'm afraid I will end up supporting him. I hope he will get his act together, but there is the issue of not having a license. And he drives around unlicensed when I am not there. I feel like screaming at him about this, but his dad says it's okay which makes me feel like it's not my place to say anything.

Things will not change. They will only get worse. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Actions speak louder than words.
I have never heard someone in real life or in the relationships forums say
“I thought my husband’s family was abusive, dysfunctional, etc. but once I got to know them, they weren’t that bad” Never happens. That’s why so many people on here are asking how to keep their kids away from abusive grandparents and there are so many posts in expectant moms about keeping babies away from smoke.

No one has ever said “my husband was a real lazy bum when we were dating, but now he makes $100k, grocery shops and gives the kids a bath every night” Never happens.

Omg. Reading that is so weird because I have had exactly these conversations with my boyfriend -- I've told him I wouldn't want our kids (if we have them) around his parents for these reasons. I already worry what I would do with a baby with grandparents who chain smoke IN THE HOUSE. At one point his dad ashed on the floor in one of the rooms INSIDE their house. It was disgusting.

His parents kind of suck to be honest. And I don't want them as my in laws. But he is sweet and I feel like he deserves happiness. He's told me he will get a job and eventually he will take care of me, but I am starting to doubt it. We've been together three years and in that time he has made HUGE PROMISES that never happen. He says he'll be a millionaire one day and blah blah and sometimes I tell him what an idiot he sounds like. I feel mean for that but it drives me up the wall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...why are you short-selling yourself?

The beauty in choosing to be in a relationship with someone is that you don't have to choose between a guy who is sweet and kind OR a guy who is a successful, driven, and self-motivated, independent adult. At 26, a boyfriend can (and should) be BOTH.

And you deserve that.

It doesn't mean this guy isn't just as nice or sweet as you say he is. But he comes up short in too many areas to overlook. Love yourself enough to move on, OP.

All the guys I dated before him treated me like shit, used me for sex, left me, hurt me, made me feel like I'm nothing.

This guy treats me like a goddess. He doesn't have money, but he makes me feel loved, special, and freaking amazing.

But yes, there are all these other issues. I'm hoping things will change. I don't like his parents very much. There is a lot of abuse within their family and I have to be there for my boyfriend a lot and hear about awful things his parents did to him as a kid. But he is still living with them and it drives me crazy. I don't want to let him move in with me yet because I'm afraid I will end up supporting him. I hope he will get his act together, but there is the issue of not having a license. And he drives around unlicensed when I am not there. I feel like screaming at him about this, but his dad says it's okay which makes me feel like it's not my place to say anything.

Things will not change. They will only get worse. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Actions speak louder than words.
I have never heard someone in real life or in the relationships forums say
“I thought my husband’s family was abusive, dysfunctional, etc. but once I got to know them, they weren’t that bad” Never happens. That’s why so many people on here are asking how to keep their kids away from abusive grandparents and there are so many posts in expectant moms about keeping babies away from smoke.

No one has ever said “my husband was a real lazy bum when we were dating, but now he makes $100k, grocery shops and gives the kids a bath every night” Never happens.

Omg. Reading that is so weird because I have had exactly these conversations with my boyfriend -- I've told him I wouldn't want our kids (if we have them) around his parents for these reasons. I already worry what I would do with a baby with grandparents who chain smoke IN THE HOUSE. At one point his dad ashed on the floor in one of the rooms INSIDE their house. It was disgusting.

His parents kind of suck to be honest. And I don't want them as my in laws. But he is sweet and I feel like he deserves happiness. He's told me he will get a job and eventually he will take care of me, but I am starting to doubt it. We've been together three years and in that time he has made HUGE PROMISES that never happen. He says he'll be a millionaire one day and blah blah and sometimes I tell him what an idiot he sounds like. I feel mean for that but it drives me up the wall.

Listen to yourself. You "feel like he deserves happiness." He doesn't deserve a damn thing. He deserves what he works for, and right now he is not working for anything. What do YOU deserve? Have you asked yourself that?

[Anonymous]

Troll score = 3. Try harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has no savings. I travel out of state to see him and have to drive us everywhere and pay for things if we want to do stuff. I stay at his parent's house. They smoke and I do not like smoke, but I try to put up wiith it or stay away from it. It makes them mad when I try and avoid the smoke because they see it as me being rude. He cannot travel to me because he has no money and isn't working or in school. He's been unemployed for a little over a year now and says he's looking for work, but he plays computer games all the time.

The thing is, he is the sweetest boyfriend I have ever been with. I'm a few years older than him. In the beginning he spent almost all the money he made on me. But then he got fed up with his job and quit it. He doesn't have any education post high school. He can work in a few skilled trades at an entry-level status, but he s not able to earn much. His parents don't push him to go out and get a job. He also doesn't have a license. They don't push him to get this either. His mom said they used to try to help him with his driving skills but he ran right through a four way stop or something and that was the end of that. His dad yelled at him that he put in his resignation like three times.

I know all this doesn't sound good, but he is very good to me, kind, gentle, loving, sweet. I have talked to him many times about getting a job and he will say stuff like "No one is hiring" or he has tried, blah blah.

Also, he told me a few months ago he would be starting a course to get his CNC license or something and then it never panned out. I don't know what to do anymore. We get in arguments over money sometimes. It makes me feel awful. I don't feel like he's using me at all. He never asks me to buy him anything. He never takes money from me. And once I offered to pay for his course he wanted to do and he said he would never take my money. His parents don't have money to send him to school and don't encourage him to take on student loans either.

I've encouraged him to get his license, but his dad lets him drive without a license sometimes and I've told him how bad this is. He sometimes does it when I'm not in the state. He talks about wanting to get married and have a baby. And I truly would love to marry him, but I can't until he is working.

How is he “good” to you?

Specifically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has no savings. I travel out of state to see him and have to drive us everywhere and pay for things if we want to do stuff. I stay at his parent's house. They smoke and I do not like smoke, but I try to put up wiith it or stay away from it. It makes them mad when I try and avoid the smoke because they see it as me being rude. He cannot travel to me because he has no money and isn't working or in school. He's been unemployed for a little over a year now and says he's looking for work, but he plays computer games all the time.

The thing is, he is the sweetest boyfriend I have ever been with. I'm a few years older than him. In the beginning he spent almost all the money he made on me. But then he got fed up with his job and quit it. He doesn't have any education post high school. He can work in a few skilled trades at an entry-level status, but he s not able to earn much. His parents don't push him to go out and get a job. He also doesn't have a license. They don't push him to get this either. His mom said they used to try to help him with his driving skills but he ran right through a four way stop or something and that was the end of that. His dad yelled at him that he put in his resignation like three times.

I know all this doesn't sound good, but he is very good to me, kind, gentle, loving, sweet. I have talked to him many times about getting a job and he will say stuff like "No one is hiring" or he has tried, blah blah.

Also, he told me a few months ago he would be starting a course to get his CNC license or something and then it never panned out. I don't know what to do anymore. We get in arguments over money sometimes. It makes me feel awful. I don't feel like he's using me at all. He never asks me to buy him anything. He never takes money from me. And once I offered to pay for his course he wanted to do and he said he would never take my money. His parents don't have money to send him to school and don't encourage him to take on student loans either.

I've encouraged him to get his license, but his dad lets him drive without a license sometimes and I've told him how bad this is. He sometimes does it when I'm not in the state. He talks about wanting to get married and have a baby. And I truly would love to marry him, but I can't until he is working.

How is he “good” to you?

Specifically.

He is always there for me. He cares about me, he listens to everything I have to say intently. He tells me he loves me and makes me feel beautiful. He says it every day. He is very attentive. He's very affectionate, kind, caring. He is sensitive. If he had money, he would spend it all on me. In the beginning he did work and he spent pretty much every dime on me. I didn't ask him to, but he did. He is very compassionate and would do anything to help me.

[Anonymous]

You're dating him why? Come on man, grow up & find an actual man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 25 years old I decided to stop dating. I was stuck in a cycle of dating men who were not good for me. It was pretty liberating to not be attached to someone. I spent a month traveling in Asia. The next boyfriend I had was the man I am now married to.

Do this.

[Anonymous]

You sound really silly OP. You know this is going nowhere. You would do better with no one than losers. Get used to be with yourself for awhile. Not everyone is going to be a big success in life, but people worth having are people who give it a "college try".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has no savings. I travel out of state to see him and have to drive us everywhere and pay for things if we want to do stuff. I stay at his parent's house. They smoke and I do not like smoke, but I try to put up wiith it or stay away from it. It makes them mad when I try and avoid the smoke because they see it as me being rude. He cannot travel to me because he has no money and isn't working or in school. He's been unemployed for a little over a year now and says he's looking for work, but he plays computer games all the time.

The thing is, he is the sweetest boyfriend I have ever been with. I'm a few years older than him. In the beginning he spent almost all the money he made on me. But then he got fed up with his job and quit it. He doesn't have any education post high school. He can work in a few skilled trades at an entry-level status, but he s not able to earn much. His parents don't push him to go out and get a job. He also doesn't have a license. They don't push him to get this either. His mom said they used to try to help him with his driving skills but he ran right through a four way stop or something and that was the end of that. His dad yelled at him that he put in his resignation like three times.

I know all this doesn't sound good, but he is very good to me, kind, gentle, loving, sweet. I have talked to him many times about getting a job and he will say stuff like "No one is hiring" or he has tried, blah blah.

Also, he told me a few months ago he would be starting a course to get his CNC license or something and then it never panned out. I don't know what to do anymore. We get in arguments over money sometimes. It makes me feel awful. I don't feel like he's using me at all. He never asks me to buy him anything. He never takes money from me. And once I offered to pay for his course he wanted to do and he said he would never take my money. His parents don't have money to send him to school and don't encourage him to take on student loans either.

I've encouraged him to get his license, but his dad lets him drive without a license sometimes and I've told him how bad this is. He sometimes does it when I'm not in the state. He talks about wanting to get married and have a baby. And I truly would love to marry him, but I can't until he is working.

How is he “good” to you?

Specifically.

He is always there for me. He cares about me, he listens to everything I have to say intently. He tells me he loves me and makes me feel beautiful. He says it every day. He is very attentive. He's very affectionate, kind, caring. He is sensitive. If he had money, he would spend it all on me. In the beginning he did work and he spent pretty much every dime on me. I didn't ask him to, but he did. He is very compassionate and would do anything to help me.

This is all wonderful, but these qualities don't pay the bills. He can be the nicest guy in the world but if he is incapable of supporting himself, he has has no driver's license, and his mom still waits on him hand and foot, he is still a child. You don't want to be in a long term relationship or a marriage with a child, and you certainly don't want to have children with a child. Do you?

[Anonymous]

OP get a positive affirmation app for your phone. It will provide the same service your boyfriend is providing, without the travel costs and second-hand smoke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How is he “good” to you?

Specifically.

He is always there for me. He cares about me, he listens to everything I have to say intently. He tells me he loves me and makes me feel beautiful. He says it every day. He is very attentive. He's very affectionate, kind, caring. He is sensitive. If he had money, he would spend it all on me. In the beginning he did work and he spent pretty much every dime on me. I didn't ask him to, but he did. He is very compassionate and would do anything to help me.

Get a dog.

[Anonymous]

This, and you, are so pathetic. Stop wasting everyones time replying to all of these messages and move on from him already.

[Anonymous]

Just NO Op! You can do so much better. You just have to believe it.

[Anonymous]

Two words.

Hot mess.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of other me. Who will treat you well AND who will be more self sufficient.