My boyfriend is 26 and lives with his parents, doesn't work, and never pays for things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP...why are you short-selling yourself?

The beauty in choosing to be in a relationship with someone is that you don't have to choose between a guy who is sweet and kind OR a guy who is a successful, driven, and self-motivated, independent adult. At 26, a boyfriend can (and should) be BOTH.

And you deserve that.

It doesn't mean this guy isn't just as nice or sweet as you say he is. But he comes up short in too many areas to overlook. Love yourself enough to move on, OP.

All the guys I dated before him treated me like shit, used me for sex, left me, hurt me, made me feel like I'm nothing.

This guy treats me like a goddess. He doesn't have money, but he makes me feel loved, special, and freaking amazing.

But yes, there are all these other issues. I'm hoping things will change. I don't like his parents very much. There is a lot of abuse within their family and I have to be there for my boyfriend a lot and hear about awful things his parents did to him as a kid. But he is still living with them and it drives me crazy. I don't want to let him move in with me yet because I'm afraid I will end up supporting him. I hope he will get his act together, but there is the issue of not having a license. And he drives around unlicensed when I am not there. I feel like screaming at him about this, but his dad says it's okay which makes me feel like it's not my place to say anything.

[Anonymous]

I dumped my trust friend boyfriend after 1 year. I loved him, but it got annoying getting up going to work everyday and he was still in bed. Parents paying everything, etc

Work ethic is extremely sexy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How you can be attracted to someone like this is beyond me

He's HOT, sweet, and intelligent. He can be hardworking when he wants to be. He just hasn't been working for the past year. Yes, it gets on my nerves and drives me crazy.

[Anonymous]

Run, run away. He is lazy and he will never do anything. If you have a baby with him, you will have 3 people to support instead of just you. You have time to meet someone else and get married / have children. Don’t let him steal any more of your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dumped my trust friend boyfriend after 1 year. I loved him, but it got annoying getting up going to work everyday and he was still in bed. Parents paying everything, etc

Work ethic is extremely sexy

His mom also makes him dinner every night. This bothers me. It's just that after being treated horribly by a long list of other guys in my past (I didn't sleep with all of them though...), it makes me feel like I can't let go of this one. He respects me and treats me well. There are so many jerks out there. I've been treated horribly, I mean really, really horribly. I have felt so used and discarded by other guys. Sometimes I get into arguments over money with my boyfriend. I even threatened to leave him more than a couple times and he gets really upset.

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend is a child in a man's body. For whatever reason, he has failed to launch. It doesn't matter how sweet he is or how nice he is to you. He is simply not marriage material and he is certainly not parent material. Run away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...why are you short-selling yourself?

The beauty in choosing to be in a relationship with someone is that you don't have to choose between a guy who is sweet and kind OR a guy who is a successful, driven, and self-motivated, independent adult. At 26, a boyfriend can (and should) be BOTH.

And you deserve that.

It doesn't mean this guy isn't just as nice or sweet as you say he is. But he comes up short in too many areas to overlook. Love yourself enough to move on, OP.

All the guys I dated before him treated me like shit, used me for sex, left me, hurt me, made me feel like I'm nothing.

This guy treats me like a goddess. He doesn't have money, but he makes me feel loved, special, and freaking amazing.

But yes, there are all these other issues. I'm hoping things will change. I don't like his parents very much. There is a lot of abuse within their family and I have to be there for my boyfriend a lot and hear about awful things his parents did to him as a kid. But he is still living with them and it drives me crazy. I don't want to let him move in with me yet because I'm afraid I will end up supporting him. I hope he will get his act together, but there is the issue of not having a license. And he drives around unlicensed when I am not there. I feel like screaming at him about this, but his dad says it's okay which makes me feel like it's not my place to say anything.

You sat you’re not a troll? Then I’m with the PP who said you’re an idiot. A big one

[Anonymous]

No. Just No. This person is lazy. You will go to work. You will come home and make dinner, take care of the kids, and the house. He will play video games. You will eventually resent your life.

Do not marry this person.

You say everyone else treated you like shit and used you. He is doing the same. Off to the therapist you go. Build up your self esteem. You are worth a true partner in life.

[Anonymous]

Run, run, run!!! Do you have low self esteem, OP? You can do way better than this. Stop trying to fix him. He doesn't want to be fixed. Look for someone who is a man, not a man-child.

Whatever you do, do not get pregnant!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...why are you short-selling yourself?

The beauty in choosing to be in a relationship with someone is that you don't have to choose between a guy who is sweet and kind OR a guy who is a successful, driven, and self-motivated, independent adult. At 26, a boyfriend can (and should) be BOTH.

And you deserve that.

It doesn't mean this guy isn't just as nice or sweet as you say he is. But he comes up short in too many areas to overlook. Love yourself enough to move on, OP.

All the guys I dated before him treated me like shit, used me for sex, left me, hurt me, made me feel like I'm nothing.

This guy treats me like a goddess. He doesn't have money, but he makes me feel loved, special, and freaking amazing.

But yes, there are all these other issues. I'm hoping things will change. I don't like his parents very much. There is a lot of abuse within their family and I have to be there for my boyfriend a lot and hear about awful things his parents did to him as a kid. But he is still living with them and it drives me crazy. I don't want to let him move in with me yet because I'm afraid I will end up supporting him. I hope he will get his act together, but there is the issue of not having a license. And he drives around unlicensed when I am not there. I feel like screaming at him about this, but his dad says it's okay which makes me feel like it's not my place to say anything.

You're already supporting him. You pay for the travel to see him, you pay for all the things you do together, you provide the emotional support of listening to him talk about his dysfunctional family.

Listen, I'm sorry you've dated mean people in the past. But this is exactly why people should take some time to be single after getting out of a bad relationship. You're so used to guys treating you badly that you've made "doesn't do that one thing" the only metric for whether you should be in a relationship with a guy. Yes you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, but you also deserve someone who respects himself enough to pull his own weight financially, plan for a future he can support be it through education, job training, or at least effort, and get a freaking driver's license. C'mon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...why are you short-selling yourself?

The beauty in choosing to be in a relationship with someone is that you don't have to choose between a guy who is sweet and kind OR a guy who is a successful, driven, and self-motivated, independent adult. At 26, a boyfriend can (and should) be BOTH.

And you deserve that.

It doesn't mean this guy isn't just as nice or sweet as you say he is. But he comes up short in too many areas to overlook. Love yourself enough to move on, OP.

All the guys I dated before him treated me like shit, used me for sex, left me, hurt me, made me feel like I'm nothing.

This guy treats me like a goddess. He doesn't have money, but he makes me feel loved, special, and freaking amazing.

But yes, there are all these other issues. I'm hoping things will change. I don't like his parents very much. There is a lot of abuse within their family and I have to be there for my boyfriend a lot and hear about awful things his parents did to him as a kid. But he is still living with them and it drives me crazy. I don't want to let him move in with me yet because I'm afraid I will end up supporting him. I hope he will get his act together, but there is the issue of not having a license. And he drives around unlicensed when I am not there. I feel like screaming at him about this, but his dad says it's okay which makes me feel like it's not my place to say anything.

Things will not change. They will only get worse. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Actions speak louder than words.
I have never heard someone in real life or in the relationships forums say
“I thought my husband’s family was abusive, dysfunctional, etc. but once I got to know them, they weren’t that bad” Never happens. That’s why so many people on here are asking how to keep their kids away from abusive grandparents and there are so many posts in expectant moms about keeping babies away from smoke.

No one has ever said “my husband was a real lazy bum when we were dating, but now he makes $100k, grocery shops and gives the kids a bath every night” Never happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...why are you short-selling yourself?

The beauty in choosing to be in a relationship with someone is that you don't have to choose between a guy who is sweet and kind OR a guy who is a successful, driven, and self-motivated, independent adult. At 26, a boyfriend can (and should) be BOTH.

And you deserve that.

It doesn't mean this guy isn't just as nice or sweet as you say he is. But he comes up short in too many areas to overlook. Love yourself enough to move on, OP.

All the guys I dated before him treated me like shit, used me for sex, left me, hurt me, made me feel like I'm nothing.

This guy treats me like a goddess. He doesn't have money, but he makes me feel loved, special, and freaking amazing.

But yes, there are all these other issues. I'm hoping things will change. I don't like his parents very much. There is a lot of abuse within their family and I have to be there for my boyfriend a lot and hear about awful things his parents did to him as a kid. But he is still living with them and it drives me crazy. I don't want to let him move in with me yet because I'm afraid I will end up supporting him. I hope he will get his act together, but there is the issue of not having a license. And he drives around unlicensed when I am not there. I feel like screaming at him about this, but his dad says it's okay which makes me feel like it's not my place to say anything.

He's also using you, whether you believe it or not. He's also using his parents. None of this is healthy. If you have spoken MANY times about him finding an entry level job and he is NOT trying (which you know because he's spending all day gaming), then what you think and your future and your needs and goals do not mean ANYTHING to him.

Trust me, BTDT, RUN far and fast. Just wait for a sweet and hot guy who WORKS and supports himself (and you) to come along, he will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...why are you short-selling yourself?

The beauty in choosing to be in a relationship with someone is that you don't have to choose between a guy who is sweet and kind OR a guy who is a successful, driven, and self-motivated, independent adult. At 26, a boyfriend can (and should) be BOTH.

And you deserve that.

It doesn't mean this guy isn't just as nice or sweet as you say he is. But he comes up short in too many areas to overlook. Love yourself enough to move on, OP.

All the guys I dated before him treated me like shit, used me for sex, left me, hurt me, made me feel like I'm nothing.

This guy treats me like a goddess. He doesn't have money, but he makes me feel loved, special, and freaking amazing.

But yes, there are all these other issues. I'm hoping things will change. I don't like his parents very much. There is a lot of abuse within their family and I have to be there for my boyfriend a lot and hear about awful things his parents did to him as a kid. But he is still living with them and it drives me crazy. I don't want to let him move in with me yet because I'm afraid I will end up supporting him. I hope he will get his act together, but there is the issue of not having a license. And he drives around unlicensed when I am not there. I feel like screaming at him about this, but his dad says it's okay which makes me feel like it's not my place to say anything.

This is exactly the PP's point, OP. You have previously been in relationships where you dated guys from Column A (jerk, treated you like crap but possibly self-sufficient and independent) and now you have a guy from Column B (sweetest guy in the world who is so kind to you but an absolute loser who will drain you and do nothing for himself)...and we are telling you that you don't have to choose A or B.

Choose C-- guys who are sweet and kind AND hard-working, driven, independent.

He will NOT change. Not for you and not for anyone. You can't change him.

[Anonymous]

PS - normal 26 year old men don't NOT have a drivers license unless they live in NYC or downtown DC or other urban setting where no one does. If that were the case, you'd take public transportation when you visit and there would be plenty of menial jobs willing to hire him.

[Anonymous]

When I was 25 years old I decided to stop dating. I was stuck in a cycle of dating men who were not good for me. It was pretty liberating to not be attached to someone. I spent a month traveling in Asia. The next boyfriend I had was the man I am now married to.