Moody and negative husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, suggest he see GP for anti=depressants and a therapist.

I also suggest he take a parenting class. He is contributing to the frustrating behavior of his child by modeling poor coping skills. and, yes, btdt, we all get our buttons pushed by our kids, but watching DS and DH has been so hard for me-such obvious power struggles that could be so easily avoided if DH could chill out. But he constantly rides our son, is negative, critical and controlling/overbearing. I do what I can, and he's taken some parenting classes, but he has his own issues with impulse and anger control. Its gotten much better, but it was bad when DS was 3 and 4 at already at a naturally challenging age.

This is OP. Thanks for this. I can definitely relate to your situation. The problems arise when my son's behavior isn't great, but what my husband doesn't understand is that HE has to have the more evolved conflict resolution skills, not our five year old. And all things considered, he is a pretty good/average kid behavior-wise. He complains that our son is not like that with me, but it's because I don't react emotionally when he is difficult. I have tried explaining to him that he is modeling terrible behavior, and also that he is showing our son that he can get a big reaction, but he feels "attacked" and "lectured." Maybe a parenting class would get through to him. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

I give you points for self awareness but let's subtract points for lack of awareness of your wife's feelings and the effects of your problem - how do your temper explosions affect her stress level?? I guarantee you are like child #2 that she is dealing with. My DH has the same issue with rage and temper, maybe more extreme. He is a ticking time bomb that I have to continuously cater to, does that sound like your wife? It's draining. Making sure he eats, feels happy, rests.

I am the one who always got up in the night with the kids, stayed up all night when they were sick, dealt with homework, feeding, bathing, cleaning - I did it all AND had to deal with an explosive husband. I got tired of using sex as a tranquilizer. It has worn me out emotionally. I also get tired of fetching food and asking him to eat so he wouldn't be hangry. I grew weary of being a cheerleader to offset his dark moods and tired of being his psychotherapist who talks him off the ledge when he loses his temp and starts breaking things.

If you don't get a grip on yourself and your anger and stop being a burden to your wife it will ruin your sex life and then marriage eventually. There is no way to undo the damage you are doing to your family.

This is OP. I can deeply relate to everything you are saying, and you put it so well. My husband definitely feels like my second child, and is a ticking time bomb. You never know which mood you'll get, and it is exhausting having to try to assess his mood before approaching him. He is the type of person that if you don't hear him twice, you better just pretend you heard, because if you ask him to repeat himself a third time you will get your head bitten off. I too am tired of using "sex as a tranquilizer" and it is hard for me to feel emotionally (and therefore physically) close to someone who has been moping around all night and snapping at me. I am emotionally exhausted by the sheer work of him. I wish I had been more clear-eyed when I met him when I was 22, but I grew up in an abusive household and unfortunately his bouts of rigidity and moodiness didn't raise red flags for me.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. My DH is the same way, right down to "you better just pretend you heard", which makes things challenging since I have really bad hearing and DH mumbles. Only difference is that DH is really good with our DC, I'm his punching bag instead.

I'm not a fan of using sex as a tranquilizer because nowhere else am I expected to have sex in order to be treated like a human being. I've also found that it doesn't really work. He'll hop out of bed and immediately start criticizing me for some perceived injustice.

I really don't know what the answer is. Every day I inch more and more towards divorce, especially since I want another child and I don't think I could have another one with him.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any advice OP, but I completely understand. My DH is the same way. Much of it stems from a job he absolutely hates and then he comes home to 2 kids who adore him, but don’t give him any alone time. There are days I just ignore him because everything I say leads to a rude comment. The other half of the time I get ridiculed because my job, although flexible unlike his, does not make a “liveable wage.” It’s a delicate balance. I have suggested therapy for him to deal with his stress and feeling of failure that he has, but hasn’t done anything about it. I hope your DH comes around to the effort you are putting into the relationship and how well you are raising your child.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for your situation and I think you sound very good mom for being concerned about this.

I think that you need to be aware of the potential negative impacts on your child. I grew up with a similar father. Unlike other posters here, he often took out his frustrations on myself and my sibling out of sight of our mother. I'm not if this was intentional or not, perhaps he felt overwhelmed at caring for two children solo. His behavior usually just verbally aggressive and screaming although it did become physical at one point. I remember feeling relief when my parents eventually divorced and my mother was granted primary custody. Today my relationship my father is 'fine'. I observe that he now attempts to be a good father, and appreciate his efforts at this late stage of the game, but I will never forget his behavior towards me as a young child.

Today my parents are each remarried and my sibling and I are both have good marriages. Subconsciously I looked for a signs of traits and characteristics of this behavior in boyfriends and avoided these guys.

I do not mean to gloat but when I read these comments from so many women with DHs who are mean moody jerks, I feel very fortunate to have my DH who is emotionally stable and rarely raises his voice. Again, I do not mean to brag but simply tell you that not all men are like this, and there men out there who do not behave this way to their wives and children.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough position to be in. As you said, we can love a person and yet be so disappointed by their flaws. Do you think he is aware of the negative impact that his actions/reactions will have over time? If you ask him what kind of a dad he wants to be, would he be completely unaware that he is missing the mark or would he recognize and admit that he is not the dad he hoped to be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough position to be in. As you said, we can love a person and yet be so disappointed by their flaws. Do you think he is aware of the negative impact that his actions/reactions will have over time? If you ask him what kind of a dad he wants to be, would he be completely unaware that he is missing the mark or would he recognize and admit that he is not the dad he hoped to be?

This is OP. When I have discussed it with him he turns it into a shame/pity spiral. “Maybe I’m just not cut out for parenting” etc. He would rather feel bad for himself that he’s “doing a bad job” than think critically about how to fix it. He will also blame it on our son. “I just wish he weren’t so difficult.” There was a particularly bad time last year when my son tried to make up with him and he was still red hot mad and my son came down and sadly said “forget it. Everything I do dad is mad at me.” He was 4 I told my husband about that and it straightened him out a bit, but he seems to always revert to his baseline of loose cannon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry for your situation and I think you sound very good mom for being concerned about this.

I think that you need to be aware of the potential negative impacts on your child. I grew up with a similar father. Unlike other posters here, he often took out his frustrations on myself and my sibling out of sight of our mother. I'm not if this was intentional or not, perhaps he felt overwhelmed at caring for two children solo. His behavior usually just verbally aggressive and screaming although it did become physical at one point. I remember feeling relief when my parents eventually divorced and my mother was granted primary custody. Today my relationship my father is 'fine'. I observe that he now attempts to be a good father, and appreciate his efforts at this late stage of the game, but I will never forget his behavior towards me as a young child.

Today my parents are each remarried and my sibling and I are both have good marriages. Subconsciously I looked for a signs of traits and characteristics of this behavior in boyfriends and avoided these guys.

I do not mean to gloat but when I read these comments from so many women with DHs who are mean moody jerks, I feel very fortunate to have my DH who is emotionally stable and rarely raises his voice. Again, I do not mean to brag but simply tell you that not all men are like this, and there men out there who do not behave this way to their wives and children.

I appreciate your thoughtful response. I’m glad to hear you found someone like your husband. I really worry about my son in all of this, but also feel powerless over it. We have a difficult dynamic of me stepping in when my husband gets too angry, which makes him feel undermined, and admittedly is not a good dynamic for our son to see, but I also will not stand by and let my son think I think it’s ok. My husband wants a “united front” but in my opinion that only works if both parents are reasonable. I’m not going to let him be out of control with our child and put on the “united front” face.



Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have any advice OP, but I completely understand. My DH is the same way. Much of it stems from a job he absolutely hates and then he comes home to 2 kids who adore him, but don’t give him any alone time. There are days I just ignore him because everything I say leads to a rude comment. The other half of the time I get ridiculed because my job, although flexible unlike his, does not make a “liveable wage.” It’s a delicate balance. I have suggested therapy for him to deal with his stress and feeling of failure that he has, but hasn’t done anything about it. I hope your DH comes around to the effort you are putting into the relationship and how well you are raising your child.

OP here. It’s nice to hear others have the same experience (although I’m sorry you do.) I grew up on eggshells in an abusive house and unfortunately I seem to have recreated my childhood, albeit watered down. My husband isn’t abusive, but he’s rigid, moody, controlling and I’m definitely on eggshells. The hardest thing for me is to see that my son is now learning to read his moods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. My DH is the same way, right down to "you better just pretend you heard", which makes things challenging since I have really bad hearing and DH mumbles. Only difference is that DH is really good with our DC, I'm his punching bag instead.

I'm not a fan of using sex as a tranquilizer because nowhere else am I expected to have sex in order to be treated like a human being. I've also found that it doesn't really work. He'll hop out of bed and immediately start criticizing me for some perceived injustice.

I really don't know what the answer is. Every day I inch more and more towards divorce, especially since I want another child and I don't think I could have another one with him.

Thanks for the response. I’m sorry you have to deal with this too. You are so right that we shouldn’t be expected to use sex in order to be treated nicely. Someone up thread mentioned sex, which yes, can be an issue for us, but it’s complicated. It is very hard to have sex with someone you resent and also that feels like your child. If I wasn’t breaking up fights between him and my FIVE YEAR OLD all day, maybe I would feel more in the mood. But then when we don’t have sex, he’s even moodier. It’s a difficult cycle. I’m not withholding to punish him, but I just don’t feel attracted to someone who I feel so criticized by. Thanks for chiming in, it helped.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone here considered showing this thread to their DH? What would happen?

[Anonymous]

The thing is that whatever you want to call it, and as much as everyone seems to be attempting to be supportive of the guy in question, this IS abuse. It's psychological abuse!

The question to ask yourself (and your DH) is: Are you able to control this behavior in other settings? Are you able to rein it in and not scream at your boss? At your mother? Then if you CHOOSE to not rein it in and scream at your wife, then you are choosing to abuse another human being.

I am just so sick of this shit, this 'oh the poor men, they work so hard, it's so unfair that they have to be parents too'. Why exactly is it unfair? Many of us women also work fulltime and have children and we generally don't choose to be narcissistic raging assholes who take it out on others.

That said, I have the same child husband who tantrums and demands and rages. My children know when to stay out of his way. We leave the house a lot together. THis morning they were woken up by yet another one of his rages. We have tried medications like Zoloft, classes, therapy. At this point, I usually vacation without him, taking just the children somewhere. We have a very full life which usually doesn't include him because he can't seem to get it together and act normal. But that's his choice, not my burden.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not alone. I think I counted at least ten other PPs who agreed they are in a similar situation, with a raging man- child. I too know someone like this.

It is extremely difficult to live with, and it is definitely abusive. Men like this rage to get their way (manipulation), and do not consider anyone's else's feelings (narcissistic).

I like the idea of recording his behavior. The guy I know who does this would never, ever rage in public, he is too aware of being "perfect", as a public persona. He is from a military family, and "image" is everything, even if he has to make his wife the "bad guy". Of course it affects the children! Children have to learn how to communicate in a functional household; not turn into another wo/man-child, like their father.

It is not about sex, or working out, or jobs, in the case I mention. It is about how the man-child grew up (or didn't grow), and what their birth family is like, how they functioned (or failed to function) growing up.

There are a lot of issues that factor into this: was there a parent that was not usually home (other than normal 8-10 hour work days, of course)? How did the parents act when they were together (did they talk at all)? Was one parent constantly and very easily overwhelmed/anxiety ridden? Were the children left to fend for themselves, with disastrous results? If one parent was checked out almost completely, and one parent was literally always traveling (by choice), there is no way that the children properly learned communication, they really only learned ganging up and being ganged up on. The only way for them to get the checked out parent's attention (the only parent they had, for months and sometimes years at a time) was to rage; which was learned from the other siblings. Possibly also learned from the easily overwhelmed parent. Rage, in their household, was communication. If it seems extremely unhealthy and backward, it is.

Anyway, thought I would share an experience I am close to. You are not alone, OP. It is impossible to live with, because it is not caused by you - it is literally an internal war that the rager has inside their own head, and it is how they were conditioned. You can see the same dynamics when the birth family gets together for holidays, whatever. It is bad.

It is easy for outsiders to point fingers, because they can not imagine a grown man acting so juvenile, hair trigger and violent. It is almost impossible to know what the triggers are, it could be anything. You would be shocked to know that the most "perfect" looking man I know (on the outside) is impossible to live with, rages often, and he has the most patient, kind, warm, loving, self sufficient spouse. She tries to remove the children and talk them through it, but it is as challenging as you would expect.

[Anonymous]

Your husband's depression is emotionally hurting you. Either attend marriage therapy, or it will destroy your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is that whatever you want to call it, and as much as everyone seems to be attempting to be supportive of the guy in question, this IS abuse. It's psychological abuse!

The question to ask yourself (and your DH) is: Are you able to control this behavior in other settings? Are you able to rein it in and not scream at your boss? At your mother? Then if you CHOOSE to not rein it in and scream at your wife, then you are choosing to abuse another human being.

I am just so sick of this shit, this 'oh the poor men, they work so hard, it's so unfair that they have to be parents too'. Why exactly is it unfair? Many of us women also work fulltime and have children and we generally don't choose to be narcissistic raging assholes who take it out on others.

That said, I have the same child husband who tantrums and demands and rages. My children know when to stay out of his way. We leave the house a lot together. THis morning they were woken up by yet another one of his rages. We have tried medications like Zoloft, classes, therapy. At this point, I usually vacation without him, taking just the children somewhere. We have a very full life which usually doesn't include him because he can't seem to get it together and act normal. But that's his choice, not my burden.

I'm a PP and this is what kills me. To the rest of the world, he's a fantastic guy. People are always commenting how nice he is. Nobody believes that he's a raging a-hole at home and they blame me for our problems, which just gives DH more fuel. "See, everyone agrees YOU'RE the problem!"