Moody and negative husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that may help is to record his meltdowns and replay it at a calmer time. He may be able to see the problem with his behavior if he sees it after the heat of the moment.

I used to start recording when the rages were in full swing. I did it without him noticing. He was embarrassed by his behavior in the videos later, but in the moment he would be a run away train unable to control his rage. It's like he has no ability to see himself as others do.

On time a stranger recorded him in a public meltdown and then posted it on the internet. He was embarrassed but it helped to change his behavior.

So very weird.

I think it's genius.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has to be related to the misery of his job.

Or the misery of his life.

OP paints a happy picture of every decision made in joint unity with equal satisfaction. While at the same is saying her husband is a selfish prick and has been for at least 7 years.

So which is it? He's either a miser who didn't want a child and SAHM or he's an equal partner who isn't as glum as you make it out to be.

What thread are you reading?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is so moody and emotional it is exhausting. The hardest part is that it affects his relationship with our five year old son, who he loves dearly but can’t seem to really connect with. When left alone, whether for an outing together, playing, or bedtime, there is always the possibility of the interaction ending badly with my husband over reacting and yelling, stomping away, slamming the door, etc. Tonight bedtime went badly and he has been moping around all night saying how frustrated he is with our son. Yet he does absolutely no reflection on how to improve the relationship. I have tried to offer gentle advice, but I don’t want to lecture him and he rarely seems to want to hear it, so I tread lightly.

I feel bad for our son that he has a father who is so reactive and emotional over normal five year old behavior. I’m also just tired of living with someone who is so negative and helpless. He had seeds of this when we got married, but over the last few years he has gotten angrier, grumpier and less happy. I want a happy life and more than anything I want my son to live in a happy household. I try so hard to give him house full of light and love, but I can’t control my husband’s negative vibe. Just looking for commiseration, advice or thoughts.

He may be on drugs?!?!

[Anonymous]

Does he drink?

[Anonymous]

I don't have a lot to offer but we have some elements of this in our household. I wouldn't characterize my DH as negative but he does get frustrated with our oldest, just turned 6, from time to time because she is an intense and occasionally difficult child. He also gets stressed about work and sometimes lets it bleed into family life. In your shoes, I would try treading less lightly. You can't control his negative vibe, no, but you can point out to him that he is the parent and should step up here. Every single thing he does is modeling for his son. If he throws a tantrum, why wouldn't his son throw a tantrum? Kids need parents to show them the right way to behave in the face of frustration and upset. You can let him vent to you, but he should try to do better in the moment with DS. And I don't see anything wrong with telling him that in a matter of fact way.

I'm normally not a big fan of Janet Lansbury, but this article I saw recently resonated with me. Maybe too corny for the average dad, I don't know. But the concept seems helpful in your DH's shoes. http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/11/tantrums-and-meltdowns-my-secret-for-staying-calm-when-my-kids-arent/

[Anonymous]

How is his physical health? Has he had an annual exam recently? He could have a physical health problem that he is worried about or hiding from you. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

It could be a combination of many things. Is DH fatigued when he comes home? Dealing with an over-energetic 5 year old can be trying after a long day. Also, is your husband strict? I.e. he may high expectations of a 5 y.o. This can be cultural as well. In some cultures, 5yos are already doing chores, and in some ways more responsible than American counterparts.

If DH's behavior is not effective, then DW needs to step in and give counsel to help their dynamic. They may need more outdoor activities like throwing a ball, taking a walk, or planting a tree.

[Anonymous]

My DH is the same. I haven't been able to crack the code. I think that parenting and other adulting just really isn't all that fun for many men. He'd rather back in undergrad . . .

[Anonymous]

As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

I forgot to add that my wife and I keep an eye out on each other and when one of us is reaching that point where the popping point comes more frequently, we try to address one or more of the above to try and ease some of the stress. Right now, we are planning visits to see the grandparents. We've decided that the best way for us to get what we need and not completely deplete our vacations is that my wife will take the kids with her and go to visit her mother and brother on the West Coast. I'll get that week home alone to be a bachelor again. And some other point this summer, I'll take the kids with me to Florida to see my parents (and do a day at one of the parks, which they want) and she'll have a week to have the house to herself and not have to worry about the three of us. We both need this and the kids want to see the grandparents and the grandparents want to see the kids. Although it would be nice to go on both trips as a family, it's not realistic and this will give us the side benefit of stress relief for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

I forgot to add that my wife and I keep an eye out on each other and when one of us is reaching that point where the popping point comes more frequently, we try to address one or more of the above to try and ease some of the stress. Right now, we are planning visits to see the grandparents. We've decided that the best way for us to get what we need and not completely deplete our vacations is that my wife will take the kids with her and go to visit her mother and brother on the West Coast. I'll get that week home alone to be a bachelor again. And some other point this summer, I'll take the kids with me to Florida to see my parents (and do a day at one of the parks, which they want) and she'll have a week to have the house to herself and not have to worry about the three of us. We both need this and the kids want to see the grandparents and the grandparents want to see the kids. Although it would be nice to go on both trips as a family, it's not realistic and this will give us the side benefit of stress relief for both of us.

I wish my husband had the same attitude that you do. I have traveled with our two children by myself with no issues. When I suggest that he take them to see his family, he claims it's too much for him. It's frustrating.

[Anonymous]

OP, suggest he see GP for anti=depressants and a therapist.

I also suggest he take a parenting class. He is contributing to the frustrating behavior of his child by modeling poor coping skills. and, yes, btdt, we all get our buttons pushed by our kids, but watching DS and DH has been so hard for me-such obvious power struggles that could be so easily avoided if DH could chill out. But he constantly rides our son, is negative, critical and controlling/overbearing. I do what I can, and he's taken some parenting classes, but he has his own issues with impulse and anger control. Its gotten much better, but it was bad when DS was 3 and 4 at already at a naturally challenging age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

I give you points for self awareness but let's subtract points for lack of awareness of your wife's feelings and the effects of your problem - how do your temper explosions affect her stress level?? I guarantee you are like child #2 that she is dealing with. My DH has the same issue with rage and temper, maybe more extreme. He is a ticking time bomb that I have to continuously cater to, does that sound like your wife? It's draining. Making sure he eats, feels happy, rests.

I am the one who always got up in the night with the kids, stayed up all night when they were sick, dealt with homework, feeding, bathing, cleaning - I did it all AND had to deal with an explosive husband. I got tired of using sex as a tranquilizer. It has worn me out emotionally. I also get tired of fetching food and asking him to eat so he wouldn't be hangry. I grew weary of being a cheerleader to offset his dark moods and tired of being his psychotherapist who talks him off the ledge when he loses his temp and starts breaking things.

If you don't get a grip on yourself and your anger and stop being a burden to your wife it will ruin your sex life and then marriage eventually. There is no way to undo the damage you are doing to your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

I give you points for self awareness but let's subtract points for lack of awareness of your wife's feelings and the effects of your problem - how do your temper explosions affect her stress level?? I guarantee you are like child #2 that she is dealing with. My DH has the same issue with rage and temper, maybe more extreme. He is a ticking time bomb that I have to continuously cater to, does that sound like your wife? It's draining. Making sure he eats, feels happy, rests.

I am the one who always got up in the night with the kids, stayed up all night when they were sick, dealt with homework, feeding, bathing, cleaning - I did it all AND had to deal with an explosive husband. I got tired of using sex as a tranquilizer. It has worn me out emotionally. I also get tired of fetching food and asking him to eat so he wouldn't be hangry. I grew weary of being a cheerleader to offset his dark moods and tired of being his psychotherapist who talks him off the ledge when he loses his temp and starts breaking things.

If you don't get a grip on yourself and your anger and stop being a burden to your wife it will ruin your sex life and then marriage eventually. There is no way to undo the damage you are doing to your family.

You make a lot of assumptions out of thin air. For the first 11 years of our marriage, until our twins were 2, I did 90% of the housework, cooking and errands. My wife is visually impaired and has had 19 surgeries in the 16 years we've been married, 16 of those have been eye surgeries that require travel out of town. She has a number of other physical limitations that we also work around. I am the family caretaker. We go to her surgeries and I get to take care of her, and the kids while she has surgery and recuperates. It's only been the last 4 years since they turned 2 when I was getting overwhelmed taking care of a family of 4 mostly by myself, that my wife has slowly started taking over more of the household chores that she can handle, but we have to adapt our house and lives to accommodate her helping out with those things. And my wife gets upset too. We both keep an eye on each other and work to relieve stress on each other wherever we can. It's part of being a caring partner that we watch out for each other and help each other out. I'm not an extra burden on my wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy who occasionally has the same issues, here are some thoughts. First, it is most likely stress related. The fact that it comes and goes, and is more likely the longer he spends with your child, suggests that he has a certain tolerance level and when he passes that, he lashes out. When a child arrives into a household, it increases the stress. First the sleepless nights. Then the fact that children are relentless and need full-time attention for several years. You don't get a break from parenting and the stress builds. You need to find a way to vent that stress or it will burn you out. He may be in a burn-out and just trying to get by. He may need some way to recharge. First, you need to find some time when he is not stressed and calm, probably early in the day, like on a weekend, when you can get his buy-in. If he doesn't agree he has a problem and wants to change, you won't be able to get him to do it.

Some of the things that are issues can solutions:
- Probably most important, is he getting enough sleep? I find that when I am short on sleep, I am the most likely to have problems.
- Does he have a blood sugar issue? I have this problem, that when my blood sugar drops, I get cranky fast. So, making sure that I have snacks that are small, but with sugar or carbs available between meals that I can take and increase the blood sugar until the next meal works. Alternatively, a couple ounces of juice can do it for me too.
- Sex. Once you have a child, most couples need to make time to have sex. The child demands all the time you can give to it and too often the parents sacrifice themselves or the things that they need to provide for the child or to address the child's neediness. Make time to have sex regularly.
- Child-free time. When was the last time you each had child-free time? You need to plan child-free time regularly for each of you. Take some time regularly to give each other an evening or a weekend morning to have some stress outlet that does not involve the children. I usually get one night out for an activity I have been doing for 30 years. I try to take the kids shopping with me on Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give my wife a few hours of child-free time.
- Vacation. When was the last time he had a vacation? How about you? And when on vacation, did you plan things that were relaxing for the parents, or did you only focus on activities and interests for the kids? Do you have family that can watch your son for a weekend so you can have a getaway for just the two of you? If not, can you plan two weekends, one for him to get away and one for you to get away?

Stress is like steam building up in a bottle. It may be fine until it reaches its popping point and then will blow. This is happening to your husband. You (plural) need to help him find what is the stressor that is most likely to address his needs and provide that outlet for the stress.

I forgot to add that my wife and I keep an eye out on each other and when one of us is reaching that point where the popping point comes more frequently, we try to address one or more of the above to try and ease some of the stress. Right now, we are planning visits to see the grandparents. We've decided that the best way for us to get what we need and not completely deplete our vacations is that my wife will take the kids with her and go to visit her mother and brother on the West Coast. I'll get that week home alone to be a bachelor again. And some other point this summer, I'll take the kids with me to Florida to see my parents (and do a day at one of the parks, which they want) and she'll have a week to have the house to herself and not have to worry about the three of us. We both need this and the kids want to see the grandparents and the grandparents want to see the kids. Although it would be nice to go on both trips as a family, it's not realistic and this will give us the side benefit of stress relief for both of us.

This is OP. Thanks a lot for the constructive response. I will give this some thought. I really do want him to be happy, and I also want a peaceful household. I know his job stresses him out, but I feel like that is out of my control. He is the type that doesn't feel he can change anything. I know a job change would be scary, but I would support him and I can go back to work if necessary. We are not struggling financially, have savings, and could make a job switch with little disruption if that is what would help. The not even trying to make things better is what is hard for me to swallow. He is tough to approach, but I will try to see if I can make any headway with some of your bullet points.

As for traveling alone, that is a great idea. I actually do take my son to visit my mom without him, and he complains that he is lonely without us. I try to encourage him to meet up with friends, take the time to workout, which he says he never has time for etc., but he usually just zones out and watches TV while we are away. Sometimes I feel like his mom/cheerleader and that get's tiresome, especially when it falls on deaf ears.

Thanks again!